Its been 2 years, and im still not ok

I was regularly on this forum a couple years ago (couldnt remember my old username so i made a new one) and the support, comraderie and understanding was unbelieveable. I do believe it helped me through a very hard time. Sorry this ended up being so long and ramblely.

However, during the last couple years ive found out some things, but i still cant get back to myself.

I found out that E (bf) wasnt actually "addicted" to porn. We had very emotional and deep convos about his previous relationship, and i found out it was THE most dysfunctional thing ive ever heard. Mainly due to him being very anxious and depressed with no self esteem and her being a diagnosed narcissist. Ill spare the details, but the sex details are important. She would not, ever let him have sex or touch her. He could only touch himself while *looking* at her (with her eyes shut tight, telling him to hurry up.)


Sounds terrible right? Who in their right mind would stay in something like that. Well, he did. For 10+ years. Eventually he turned to porn, instead of his ex. Understandably. By the end of it, he ended up with (intensifying his already present) sex anxiety, and using porn, in a habitual way, not addicting way


Cue me. I come into the situation. We fall in love and he leaves her. However he was very ashamed and embarrassed about his past so he never told me about it. Our sex life was mishap after mishap. He could not keep an erection. He hid his shame of it and his past by blaming me. "Do this" "dont do that" "if you were more aggressive" "go slower" the list goes on. So i started feeling anxious myself, and very insecure.


Then came the porn. Specifically and exclusively Teen porn
Thats all he watched. Hes 44 and im 42. This particular category ATE at me after i found out. I honestly believe if it wasnt this category, i would have handled it better. But i told him porn, especually teen porn, has zero place in my relationship and if he didnt agree, theres the door. We stayed together, but still with his anxieties and not able to have sex


So now its a couple years later. He found it easy to stay away from porn, all porn. Because he wasnt even truly addicted, just used out of habit. He refuses to own any electronics. Will not touch my phone unless im right beside him and the kicker....doesnt masturbate. Refuses to. He did have death grip when we first got together and stopping masturbating was one of our ways of helping him get used to someone else touching him. Years later, he still wont do it.

So everything has been going perfectly. Hes been absolutely amazing and understanding about my anxiety and frustrations and especially my pretty much ptsd symptoms after finding out about his porn. Hes been absoltuley vigilant in being transparent and reassuring me.

So......WTF? What is wrong with me. I STILL cant get over it. I STILL do ridiculous things because im still comparing my aging body to younger one. Ive gone for consultations for the infamous labiaplasty. Daily I use a cream thats banned and controversial because it causes cancer, to lighten a part on me that think should look a ceetain way. But i still do it. I panic when out. Even just by myself. Thinking.....oh god, if he was with me and saw her
..or....nope cant def not go here with him because theres too much to look at. I am STILL so disgusted with myself.

I went for a few therapy sessions. Read a ton of self help books. But its like, my brain refuses to get over the hurt i felt. My logical brain says "he only did it out of habit. If your sex life was ok this probably wouldnt be an issue. Look at him, hes absolutely devoted to you and tells you how beautiful you are EVERYDAY! Stop being so selfish and let him and yourself be happy and finally leave the past in the past." But then what do i do. Still, years later, i pull up the videos hed watch and compare myself. I seek other "teen" images, just to feel bad about myself. I go to sites where i freakin *know* guys are crazy insane about younger girls (reddit) and still assume my bf is too. Why do i do this? Why cant i be normal? Why cant i just let this go?!

I'm so sorry to read all this.
I myself am a 24 year old girlfriend of a rebooting Porn addict (only dating for about 6 months now). My boyfriend was in a relationship for 5 years with a girl who didnt want to have sex with him. She was leading him on and saying stuff like '' yea maybe next time, its too soon its too soon'' .
And he just went back to porn (what he was watching since he is 12/13yo) This makes my bf a porn addict + traumatised by his ex for not letting him touch or see her naked. So I think i kind off know what you are going through.

it's nicce to see that he is doing so much for you. He quit teen porn, any porn, masturbation, he only wants you.
but.... I dont think something is wrong with you for still not feeling okay...

This is a short summary of something I have read about '' women of porn addicts'' :

After the shock of finding out your partner watches porn (or cheats, or any kind of secret that can destroy your sex life together)  the woman's brain gets the same effect as with PTSD. This makes the woman who has been through something like this more alert of little things, causes depression, sleep deprevation, low self-esteem, fear of intimacy and so on!
I suggest you keep going to therapy and try to let the therapist know this has been a traumatic event for you (dont feel like you are overreacting , because you are not)

I am only seeing my bf for 6 months and i already feel traumatised ; skipping meals, obsessed with my boobs/butt, obsessed with pictures of hot women on social media, watching pov porn to see what I am doing differently/wrong.

it is a constant daily struggle and you are allowed to ask for serious/professional help. I hope you will get over it soon <3

Yes it is tough!  We SOs have our healing process as well. 

It takes a long while to recover from this. It really doesn't matter what kind of P your partner ending up viewing! All of it is horrible!

Here is one simple thing that I invented that really helps me and is highly effective:

When dealing with porn flashbacks, ie: anytime images of you partner PMOing get stuck in your head. (mine were the worst during sex with him!) I now simply XXX them in my brain with three HUGE RED X's. I also carry this further and use it when I have bad feelings about myself or anything related to the P addiction! I just XXX those bad thoughts! Those bad thoughts are NOT me! They are the addiction's and I don't OWN them! Feeling inadequate? XXX those thoughts! Feeling old? XXX those bad thoughts! Any negative thought about yourself or him is fair game to be XXX'd. This is the only thing that worked  for me after years of struggling with this crap in my head!

Please let me know if it helps you, too.

Wishing you healing and peace!

foreverbroken, welcome to the forum again. Im sorry to read your bf?s porn and relationship history is continuing to affect you and your shared relationship.

You say your bf is/was not a porn addict but nevertheless his previous porn use is impacting on how you feel about yourself. I suspect the real problem here is one of self esteem and self image which can affect anyone, male or female, single or in a relationship, regardless of whether porn is a presence in their lives now or in the past. You talk in detail about your bf?s relationship and sexual history, but say nothing of your own history. Perhaps there are events in your past feeding into these feelings you have about yourself, whether it?s previous bfs, early trauma or whatever. I?m not saying there definitely is, but these issues rarely just appear out of nowhere.

As for looking at teen porn or whatever category of porn your bf used to watch and going on Reddit to read posts by men who have a thing for young girls ? why? You are only upsetting yourself and it?s probably impacting on your self image in a very unhealthy way. Don?t go there! Why repeat a behaviour that undermines how you feel about yourself and your partner? It?s not doing you any good.

At this stage, if your partner has quit porn and if you are happy in other areas of your relationship, then I suggest you concentrate on activities that give your life meaning. Whatever your interests are, or were before you had these difficulties, I suggest you pursue your own personal interests and projects. If you like painting, or hiking, or gardening, or making things, or whatever else is/was your thing, then perhaps think about doing these things instead of hanging out on those Reddit boards that don?t serve your interests in any way whatsoever.

There is no one-size-fits-all solution for partners of recovering porn addicts, but typically the porn addiction has escalated during the relationship and has had a negative impact on the couple. This appears not to have been your history, but if your bf?s previous porn use is causing problems for you, and you are engaging in activities that make you feel worse about yourself, it?s still something you need to address for the sake of your own emotional health. How do YOU want to live your life? Looking at teen porn and using bleaching creams? Probably not. So think about all the good things that will give your life meaning and you WILL start to feel better about yourself , about life, about your relationship.