I feel unattractive and in competetion with the actressess

I know this sounds stupid. But I have been and still am the girl all the boys chase. I used to just snap a finger and make a boy falling head over heels for me. But with my boyfriend its just not the same. He has a porn addiction and he's trying to reboot. Sometimes I feel he's not being honest to me about his attraction to me. He says that I look way better than those actresses and that he feels that im out of his league. I dont understand that he would still have PIED when having sex with someone he finds attractive or as he claims '' more attractive than porn actresses''.

In the beginning of our relationship (when he and i didnt know yet that he is an porn addict) he used to really point his finger at my performance in bed, about why his D wouldnt stay hard during sex and I just cant get these things out of my head.
Everyday im starting to feel more unattractive to the point that i dont really dare to eat, I'm Avoiding mirrors and i'm analysing things that arent perfect about my appearance and try to make a logic understanding as to why he wouldnt keep his erection during sex.

I feel so worthless and I have talked to him about it, but he doesnt fully understand why i feel this way as he does find me attractive and he tells me this everyday.

How do I stop using sex and his erection as a confirmation  for that i am beautiful?

You can't compete with porn. A woman who can replace the constantly changing novelty and shock aspects of porn doesn't exist. You shouldn't have to compete with porn stars in order to feel attractive.

If you value yourself only on the basis of what other people tell you then this can cause real psychological problems. In reality, it's one of the reasons why so many people are depressed in modern society. We are so bombarded with unrealistic images of celebrities, porn stars, luxury lifestyles portrayed in TV dramas that 'normality' has become unsatisfying. Reality, and by reality I mean reflecting on the beauty of a tree or a flower or simply enjoying good company or a good meal, has become 'boring' for most people nowadays. When did life become boring? It's one of the reasons people spend so much time with their noses pressed up against the screen of a smart phone when there are real people in front of them. We compare ourselves to other people all the time. My nose isn't perfect. I'm too fat/I'm too thin. My breasts aren't like the porn star's. My penis isn't lie the porn star's. This kind of thinking will eventually drive us all mad. You are who you are and someone will love you for it. Just relax and be yourself.

As a recovering porn addict I can tell you that there is no overnight recovery from this compulsion. I love my girlfriend. She is the most beautiful women I've ever seen, but I can't get aroused enough with her in order to have sex. This is because my brain has become wired to and accustomed to the seemingly infinite novelty and shock or internet porn. I will recover, but it's going to take time. I'm currently on day 125 of my run without porn and I've only masturbated once (without porn) during that period. I'm showing no signs of recovery and I'm faced with the prospect of another 125 days or more before I heal.

It must be difficult to start a relationship with a porn addict. Those first few months when you feel the most passion are thwarted by your partners PIED. If you value your partner beyond the sexual attraction then be patient, support him and he will recover. Unfortunately, relapsing is often a common part of the process. He doesn't relapse to spite you. He's an addict. This isn't going to be easy for you nor for him.

Try to relax and don't compare yourself to the unrealistic women in porn. I wish you both luck with his reboot and recovery. 

If you value yourself only on the basis of what other people tell you then this can cause real psychological problems.

Click to expand...

I couldn?t agree more.
In this image-saturated culture, women and girls learn that their value is tied up with their appearance and sexual desirability above all else. Images of what is ?hot? and ?sexy? bombard us every day unless we make a conscious decision to unplug and tune out. A healthy self esteem is built upon what we do as opposed to what we look like ? our skills, our education, our work, our hobbies, our talents, our creativity and so on. Ask yourself, what else do you do that gives your life value and meaning?

It?s also not healthy to build a relationship on sex and certainly not on being overly concerned about porn addiction. If he wants to quit and work his recovery, that?s a good sign and you can build your sexual relationship too. Sex doesn?t have to be centred on erection-penetration-ejaculation. There are other ways to make love and if anything, it?s fun to explore and experiment. Taking the pressure off erectile function and being more imaginative will probably help him recover his erection more than anything else. The only thing I would say is that don?t allow any experimentation to imitate porn and porn cliches. It?s about building something unique for the both of you.

With regard to body image and your relationship with food, this is often a complex psychosocial issue. There?s usually an element of seeking control in one?s life and controlling food intake is a manifestation of a need for control. It may well have absolutely nothing to do with your boyfriend, but rather the sense of ?rejection? or whatever has activated and/or accelerated some pre existing anxiety. For example, if you grew up in a diet culture, if your mother was went on weight loss diets, then that will instill the belief that slimmer is always better, or whatever. Even if you weren?t raised that way, media aimed at women is constantly pushing ideas about ?beach bodies? etc. If your friends at school talked about ?feeling fat? and losing weight etc, you?re being exposed to diet culture even if you are just a bystander. And of course, it?s all about getting that ?hot? body, and that ?hot body? is ultimately about getting admiration based on our appearance, and pleasing the male gaze.

If you genuinely felt good about your body you wouldn?t be avoiding mirrors and not eating. In fact, these are symptoms of an eating disorder. I?m not saying you definitely have an eating disorder, but you don?t want to carry on this way.

I hope this helps. I suggest you think about your own wellbeing too. It doesn?t mean you don?t care about your boyfriend, but a good relationship is one where both of you can be your best selves. Good luck.

I would echo what Emerald Blue said. Take care of yourself. Maybe consider seeing a counselor too?  Depression is really hard and talking to someone can really make a big difference.

thank you all for replying.. I have cried during reading your replies but thats all a good sign.
I think I have made sex (so penetration-ejaculation) a way too big of a deal during our relationship. I have had an eating disorder before when i was a teenager so it might have always been a 'thing' in my mind.
I think the problem now is that I totally feel out of control about this situation and started projecting it on my own shortcomings.
Me and my boyfriend took a little '' intimitacy'' break where we just go back to going on dates in stead of being together 24/7 and having a lot of sex attempts (as it wont always lead to ejaculation or keeping his D hard)

your replies have encouraged me to seek professional help for my self esteem and the depression I find myself in now thanks

When I was younger I measured my 'attractiveness' by counting how many different women I'd had sex with. Not surprisingly many of those experiences were 'hollow' and unfulfilling. Don't get me wrong, sex is an important component in any relationship but it's not the only one and it's not the most important one either. Ultimately, as we get older our sex drive diminishes. Under these conditions we need to find something more meaningful in our relationship.

Youth is beauty. At least from a physical aspect. I appreciate that now. However, that beauty doesn't last very long. Then our inner beauty has an opportunity to outshine the physical aspect. Be good to yourself. Be kind to yourself. There is nothing we have to become. This is it. In every situation we can choose how we perceive ourselves and the world. Who knows what's real? Every person is living their own discreet reality and there is no way you can change how that person perceives you. They can decide to change themselves.

Counselling is a good idea but ultimately you have the power to change how you perceive yourself. Stay strong and I look forward to reading about your success story with your partner. 

In almost every case of porn addiction, the female partner feels rejected, not in the sense of a rebuffal but at the core of her womanhood and her sexuality. We are told over and over its not about us (the female partners), its not about how physically attractive we are, that it?s the addict brain seeking a fix and its all dopamine driven, etc etc. None of that addresses OUR hurt. If I had spent years rejecting my partner in favour of sex toys and couldn't orgasm with him, i feel certain he would feel far more undermined and diminished than i did with his porn addiction. But because we?re women, because we?re fed all this shit about how we look being so important ? and all you have to do is look around our culture to find evidence of that ? and that ?all men watch porn?, that we should be giving our men the ?porn star experience? as if what goes on in porn is the ultimate sexual experience, and so on, we are set up to fail.That is, if you don?t build up a resistance to all this garbage.

We?re also living in a culture that tells women that our sexuality exists to please men. If our men are getting off to porn all the time and can?t function at all with us, then that?s a failure on our part. Or so we?ve been set up to believe. So of course we internalise it.

As part of my recovery process ? because partners do have a recovery process entirely separate from porn addicts ? I had to own my sexuality and heal my body shame. Until my partner got hooked on internet porn, I felt absolutely fine about myself in these respects. In fact, I?m actually a bit angry that his porn behaviours dragged me down and resulted in me having these negative feelings towards myself that I shouldn?t have felt in the first place. I had a very healthy sexuality, I had complete body confidence, in fact we had a pretty amazing sexual relationship. And his porn addiction took all that away from me. He opted out of a good thing. Of course I know it?s never that simple, that porn addiction is quite a complicated and contradictory process.

The point I?m trying to make is that, as women, we owe it to ourselves to be the custodians of our own sexuality and not let it be defined by others. Our sexuality does not need anyone?s permission to exist. Likewise, we don?t need anyone?s approval to tell us we are beautiful. I don?t agree that ?youth is beauty? at all. That?s only one kind of beauty. It?s our visual culture that dictates the idealised images of of female beauty and use theses images to sell us stuff that we don?t really need. Even if you are close to this ideal, it doesn?t inoculate you against being in a relationship with a porn addict.

Being in a relationship with a porn addict is hard. The relationship itself becomes very complex. It disrupts your ability to trust, it impacts on your sexual relationship and there?s always the dark cloud of relapse looming overhead. If your relationship is recent, you still have the option of choosing whether to commit yourself any further. If your guy is honest and working at his recovery that?s an entirely different situation to one where there are no genuine attempts at recovery and all the lies and deception that go along with it. Ask yourself what you are prepared to tolerate and draw your boundaries accordingly. Remember, your boundaries exist to protect YOU, not as a set rules for your guy.

Hey

Your boyfriend's addiction is in no way a reflection on you. If he's going through reboot, then he has a lot to do to get back in control of his own libido, and to regain his confidence to perform sexually. Different men experience different levels of PIED - for me, it went away within maybe two days of my reboot and has stayed away since then - but I've heard stories on here of PIED / flatline lasting many weeks.

May I ask how long have you been going out? Have you got children together?

I don't want this to sound like an advance or anything but I'm sure this has absolutely nothing to do with your physical appearance. Do you have any close female friends you can talk this through with? I'm sure people who know you in real life would help you see yourself the way others see you.

I dont really know how to reply exactly on specific replies to my post, so I'll just answer it in parts for evert reply.

@mousemat
Thankyou for the positive words/advice.  I know I have more to offer than just my beauty and will try to stay positive about myself.
I will keep you updates with the succes stories.

@Emerald Blue
Thankyou for replying. And yes, society has made it hard for a woman to not only feel secure about herself, but also for men to see value in a woman. Which is really just a downwards spiral..
During his recovery I am coping with the same feelings. My self-confidence is completely gone, I dont enjoy doing things I liked to do, even MY libido dissapeared after only 2 months in the relationship because of all this PA related stuff. (In the beginning he didnt look at me during sex or didnt really look at me at all )

''If your guy is honest and working at his recovery that?s an entirely different situation to one where there are no genuine attempts at recovery and all the lies and deception that go along with it. Ask yourself what you are prepared to tolerate and draw your boundaries accordingly. Remember, your boundaries exist to protect YOU, not as a set rules for your guy. ''

- Yes, he is honest about everything and he would even tell me or drive to my house as soon as he'd get the urge of masturbating or anything. Even though he is honest to me, i still feel like he's lying to me about some things. This is because he had lied to me before about the one time that he did masturbated, (i had to ask him for 4 days long if he had masturbated, as i could rlly feel he was hiding something) . So these days if i feel like i'm on a constant watch for signs he might be lying to me again and its tiring. Even if he's honest with me, i most of the times just dont believe anything he says. We are together for only 5-6 months now.
And believe me I consider bailing out to find my peace, but because he quitted watching Porn and now quits masturbating in order to having a healthy relationship with me , its really hard not to give it a chance


@ PE30
we are together for about 5-6 months, no children, but i am his first girlfriend/and sexual partner.

''I don't want this to sound like an advance or anything but I'm sure this has absolutely nothing to do with your physical appearance. Do you have any close female friends you can talk this through with? I'm sure people who know you in real life would help you see yourself the way others see you.''

I don't have any close female friends actually. I have talked to my mom together with my boyfriend about it, but as i was raised very strictly and christian her views on sex early in a relationship is a bit old-fashioned.
My boyfriend signed up for a treatment for porn addicts or rebooting PA's that help them enjoy the things in life, and get their mind of orgasm related dopamine boosts. but rather finding other things in life just as interesting/rewarding

After a certain point hardcore porn addicts cannot care less about how pretty the actresses are, rather than how new and extreme the material they are viewing is.

If he has not yet reached that point, having PIED symptoms doesn't mean that you are less hot than the actresses, but that he has been conditioned to pixels and voyeurism rather than intimacy, touch and feelings.

If he says to you that he likes you, that you are attractive and yet you put yourself under so much pressure then it is nothing more than your own insecurities.

After all why should you feel so bad about yourself, are you dating a 6'6" shredded and you want to look like a model too?

@UsualMood

As its hard for us women to understand the porn addiction, its probably hard for you to understand why I feel insecure because of his PIED.

I feel bad about myself because i am used to a certain amount of attention that fits my appearance. I have always thought/seen that my appearence is the least negative thing about me. And havent really had the need to focus on my '' inside'' . Although i do everything for him, i feel that i am not enough because at a point... sex with me is not enough. That's why ppl get PIED. The thought that I am not able to trigger the amount of dopamine in my bf's body that porn gives him, makes me feel like a failure.
It it even possible for girlfriends/wives of someone struggling with PA to get PTSS on subjects like this.
For example, it has gotten to this point im obsessed with erotic pictures and pov's trying to figure out what I should be doing differently or how I am supposed to look to please my bf the way the P has done for him.
(sorry for my english at times, im dutch)

Anyway as an update @mousemat.
I would keep you updated about the succes story so here I go:
My boyfriend still hasn't masturbated and we are on day 11 of the 90's days no O reboot. (this means we chose to start the 90 days no O reboot again after we have failed this one time when I got home drunk and did it in a way too porny like behaviour, causing him to flatline only 4 days after)

My bf is now retrieving counseling on rebooting and rewiring his 'reward system' and we will start couples therapy next week (yes couples' therapy after only a few months dating... bizar but we really want to make this thing work and dont allow something stupid as internet P to ruin what we can have in the future)

Problem is.. today I broke up with him because I was having a hard time handling the pressure of insecurity and distrust towards him for little reasons (but he is coming over tonight to talk so we probably will just get back together)
I think things are getting more and more hard for us as I have been obsessively been trying to figure out whats wrong with me (see my reply above this one) and have even exposed myself on live cam just to assure myself that I am attractive and a woman that CAN be seen as a lust-object.

its only day 11 and things are starting to get so difficult, i hope we can see some difference anytime soon but in my head I know we still got a long road to go (even after the 90 days reboot)

Me personally I dont even know if and when I am going to have successful sex and after so much abuse and lack of experience its guaranteed I wont perform the first times. There is no possibility there will ever be a woman who will give me as much stimulation as escalated porn did in my teens thats a fact. You cant its like a drug. You think previous cocaine addicts get the same amount of dopamine through healthy experiences in life as they got from their dose? You learn how to live with less dopamine its not your fault thats how it was supposed to be in the first place.

Its so upsetting to see the hurt that porn in relationships can do and even to those who are single excluding them from society.

It put's in a barrier between you and your man, de-sensitising him from the real woman you are to the addictive qualities of internet porn.

My wife is on the brink of leaving me over this, my actions repulse her to the point my merest touch makes her flinch and squirm away.

You know whats funny ....  I am about 1/2 way through rebooting and I have never found my wife more sexy and never wanted her more ... ironic isn't it .... or just the universes sick karma!

I can't imagine what harm has been done to my wife or you finding out that we have "preferred"  cyber fantasy land to get our rocks off to the women we love ... it makes me feel ill to be honest.

You have heard it may times before and you will hear it many times again, it's not you never has been ... us men "justify" our actions often cruelly blaming those we love ... not out of malice, spite or even reality ... think of it as "smack heads" doing anything, saying anything to get their next fix.

I hope your man gets clean and realises what he has to loose and then spends some quality time making things up to you. I only hope I shall be as lucky.

All the best,

67

@UsualMood,

THinking you wont perform on the first time sex is part of the addicts' brain. As for the cocaine example. Let me explain something about myself, I am a recovering cocaine and yes... *SEX* addict. I have been using cocaine from the year of 17 untill 21 and I am now 3 years (almost 4 years clean <3 ) . I have been an sex addic to the point that I was a  webcam girl and sexual worker, feeling sexy because of a lot of sex AND getting money from it while on drugs, were the best high kicks -I THOUGHT- i could ever get.
But IT IS NOT. After doing cocaine or having sex with someone after only 5 minutes meeting them , I felt ashamed, down, worthless, tired, depressed and repulsed by myself. I cant even count how many people I have slept with, because 80% of them I cant even remember their name or what they look like... I know this sounds bad BUT:..

I dont think I have learned to live on less dopamine high kicks as I never seeked help for these addictions, I just got tired of the aftermath  and feeling down and needing something to feel good,  in stead just waking up and feel fine..

I quit the sex addiction just a few weeks before I met my boyfriend and
I find having sex with my partner (so the same person and not like how i was living) the best thing to do. I feel good during sex with him, I feel good after. Having sex while actually having feelings for the other person has changed and I feel rewired my mind within 4 months dating him . ( the first 2 months i would get very pissed if we could not have sex all the time because of his PIED or his mood swings (lower libido))  After 3 months I didnt feel the need to have crazy/wild porn like sex anymore and thoughts of cheating/ having random sex have gone away. I just only wanted to have sex with someone I love.
Us having almost the same kind of addiction (but still different as I went out to seek sex in RL as virtual/porn would bore me) has caused a lot  of problems and it still does at times.  I am having troubles why his love for me didnt do the same as My love for him did for me.  and I keep trying to search online as to why It takes him much longer to recover. As he is saying that he finds me more attractive than in the beginning, now he gets hard by looking at me or by foreplay and stuff even tho this might be because we quit to O for 90 days for his unwiring.
(sorry for the long story)

@67Reboot

I hope your wife doesn't leave you over this and sees that you are also struggling with it and trying to quit PMO.
How long had your P addiction been going on and what kind of P was it? Because it's actually sad to see that your rebooting didn't help for finding your wife more attractive, but dont give up. As I've seen in the research I've done, finding RL women more attractive might also just happen at the end of the reboot so you two still  have hope!

May I ask how you two are going through the reboot? Me and my boyfriend quit having sex for 90 days and hope his dopamine levels would get normal so that he wont feel down or ''like he is missing something'' because he adjusts to having -normal- dopamine levels on a daily basis. (he quit watching porn now for about 5 a 6 months ago with relapsing one time on pictures of me that I send before knowing about his addiction) Having sex directly after quitting has slowed down his reboot.

So he is clean, but ofcourse I here and there question his loyalt because his moodswings are all over the place. Like last tuesday he came home from work and did not even looked me in the eye for more dan 1 milisecond the entire night. This makes me feel anxious and as If he is hiding something. Besides that , it makes me feel unwanted and unattractive for a man to sit next to me/talk to me and even kisses me without looking at me (his eyes pointed out the other direction while closing up on me for the kiss that went by rlly fast)
We got in a fight about this because he was also home late from work. we talked it out but I still didnt trust the situation,so I broke up on thursday and got back together on friday. This in and out relationship is really tiring me and lowering my self-esteem.

Are you and your wife communicating a lot? It might help her to stick around during your process

It does sound like your bf is hiding something to be honest. But it can be impossible to get the truth out of an addict. I know from experience: I'd lie til I was blue in the face, and used to explain away suspicious activity even if the excuse was massively implausible.

Tons of respect im literally out of words sorry I didnt realise the gravity of your problem at first, there are tons of women today having crazy insecurities about tiny things I didnt think...

I know many people who are regulars and some other not so much with sexual workers some are even proud, you know the type better than I do. Before I knew about my PIED one co worker offered me to go after work for paid sex or to have some drinks in the strip clubs and I literally had a hard time convincing him not to because I didnt want to. He said it was strange and that I was missing out much. Its insane the way some people approach it.

Which brings me to my next point that people tend to relate very much to the people they surround themselves with... Being in such an enviroment where your friends ( I suppose ) did the same thing, and yet requiring no help to leave all this behind... I mean I found it hard to quit smoking when other people around me smoked... You have one strong resolve right there.

@ PE03 '' It does sound like your bf is hiding something to be honest. But it can be impossible to get the truth out of an addict. I know from experience: I'd lie til I was blue in the face, and used to explain away suspicious activity even if the excuse was massively implausible. ''

-yes, I doubt every word he says ofcourse . Because he has lied about being PA to me at the beginning. I litterally asked him this the 3rd week of the relationship because thats where his PIED/flatline started.
About that tuesday that he didnt dare to look at me for some reason he says that its because he was working late and was afraid that I would feel suspicious and because he didnt texted me induring his break.  (this is weird because I never say something about him coming home late from work and I even dont like stopping what I'm doing to text him in his half hour break so i mostly dont even reply the texts and wait untill I see him at home)

All by All, everything he says sounds weird vague, he doesnt remember the beginning of the relationship clearly when I ask him about stuff he said in the beginning (and yes this is only 6 months ago or sum)

I'll just wait untill wednesday when we are going to see the therapist again.

@ UsualMood

Thank you ! its okay.
'' Being in such an enviroment where your friends ( I suppose ) did the same thing, and yet requiring no help to leave all this behind...''

It wasnt too hard, I was the only one doing it and I dont really have a lot of friends. (also the sex work here is legal, so its a different and less dangerous world in my country)
It was easy to quit because I am studying and I couldn't keep making up excuses for my double life.  quitting cocaine was the hardest thing to do, as I started using it when i was 17 y/o (and already 6 years in counseling for major depression). so ofcourse after quitting cocaine i hit the depression again, but it took mejust a few months to feel better.

but ok haha this is a forum for PA -things and not other addictions

Some great comments here, really helps to hear both sides male/female ! I just wonder how this will all end, you?ll get better blockers on ur phones computers then more secret software will come out etc, but ultimately it?s really about people connecting with each other and turning ur back on technology to a degree what more can u want then snuggling on the couch with someone who wants to share their life with you, we are not meant to be alone,  good luck everyone xo

That's a really good point. Tbh I'm not using any blockers: the reason is that there are so many opportunities to access porn and chat rooms that it's pretty much impossible to cover all of them. (Not saying that they're not ineffective for others but I always just found a way round them).

Snuggles are more effective than blockers!