Back Again After Very, Very Long Relapse - 18 Year Old With PIED (SUCCESS!!!)

I very heavily considered just making a new account so as to not suffer the shame of coming back after so long away, but I figured the shame would probably be a good motivator. I was active on here about 3 months ago, managed to get a streak going of 15 days I think, but relapsed heavily after breaking up with my now ex-girlfriend. I'm in college now and I've been having such a good time but I've turned down opportunities for sex three separate times and now I'm seeing a girl that I'm afraid I won't be able to have sex with for a very long time.

This has to go. I can't live my life with the fear of not being able to perform for sex.

Quick background for those that didn't see my first post - I was an EXTREMELY heavy porn user. Extremely. I'd masturbate usually at least 3 times a day to tabs upon tabs of high speed porn for about 4 years straight, more or less. Due to this when I have sex I go soft as soon as the condom goes on and I need constant stimulation to maintain an erection. If I have an erection while laying down and want to get up, that shit would go limp as soon as my feet hit the floor. It's definitely a problem.

But it stops here. I can't live like this. That's not how it's going to go down. It's my life, it's my body, and it's my relationship and I'm not going to let images dictate me.

I've just deleted all the porn I had on this computer (a lot) and I'm going to purge my computer back home (I'm in the dorms currently) next weekend without even thinking about it.

Everyone is welcome to speak your mind here on my thread. Even if it's some tough love you can trust that I want to hear it. I'll try to post daily updates about what's going on but we'll see how my free time works out.


Porn free, starting now.

You won't regret this decision. If you're afraid of losing your loved one, try and being honest with her about it. You don't have to tell her everything. But tell her that the little version of you sometimes doesn't work and that you're dealing with it. It helps to get some stability between you and her as well. Make sure she knows it's not her fault. She's very attractive, be sure to tell her that!

To quote Winston Churchill:
If you're going through hell, keep going!

Today went fine, nothing crazy to report on. Thanks Mr. BailHope, really appreciate the encouragement dude.

Again, pretty normal stuff today, nothing to report on. Some urges here and there that I suppress by looking at a picture of the girl I'm seeing cuddled up next to me sleeping. I know it's bad to tie your recovery motivation to a girl that might not be around long enough to help you reach your goal, but that's kinda what I've got to work with right now so I'm just gonna do me and let it play out.

Awkward said:

Again, pretty normal stuff today, nothing to report on. Some urges here and there that I suppress by looking at a picture of the girl I'm seeing cuddled up next to me sleeping. I know it's bad to tie your recovery motivation to a girl that might not be around long enough to help you reach your goal, but that's kinda what I've got to work with right now so I'm just gonna do me and let it play out.

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I know how this feels. It's not right as a motivator, but it sure does help. For me, my drive is to experience sex like I should have experienced it all along. I'd like it to be with that one person very much, if she'll have me when I'm recovered. If not though, I'm sure I'll find someone else eventually.

The best thing about getting a bit older is that the dating scene changes immensely though. Dating becomes easier somewhat. We're all adults just talking and having lunch together. Finding those adults among the great amount of adult adolescents (adults, but they never grew up from their teens and still exhibit such behaviour) is a bit more difficult. Some people just never grew up according to their own age, unfortunately. They can be a setback, but there are people out there as well who are really worth it.

Another normal day. Still got urges and still repressed them as good as I could. I'll try not to rely on this girl for my motivation because I've experienced how badly that can go but we'll see what happens.

Sorry for not posting an update yesterday; was doing some fun and stupid stuff with my friends. Still clean and still going strong. I'm able to get like 5/10 erections from laying with my girl at night and spooning and stuff. That's certainly better than nothing but hopefully it improves

Another good day yesterday, no urge to watch P and still no regrets about deleting all my porn which I expected to hit me very soon but still hasn't. Just living life and doing productive things with all of the time that not masturbating frees up  ;D

Deleted all of the porn I had on my home PC too. Feels good. This is for real now

Nicely done man keep up the solid work. Your true toughness about this crap is going to come out when the urges are bad and you STILL fight them off. Keep going and stay in the game man!

-SC

Hey Stretch glad to see you've been doing better than I have man. Congrats on your count  ;D

Anyway I had an O last night. My girl and I were making out and she got on top and started grinding on me and I couldn't handle it. I guess it's not technically PMO but I'm considering resetting the counter anyway just because I'm trying to do a hard mode reboot. We'll see what happens. Other than that, still going strong.

Things are starting to get a tad shaky with this girl though, she's just being a little distant lately, so I don't know what's gonna happen there but hopefully no matter what it is I'll be able to power through it and stay on course with the reboot

Awkward said:

Anyway I had an O last night. My girl and I were making out and she got on top and started grinding on me and I couldn't handle it. I guess it's not technically PMO but I'm considering resetting the counter anyway just because I'm trying to do a hard mode reboot. We'll see what happens. Other than that, still going strong.

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I understand why you would want to reset your counter. But it was not an orgasm due to artificial stimulation, but it was with a real live girl, without any real sexual acts going on. I dare say this is not even remotely a relapse. If anything, your brain has just confirmed that it can have pleasure with a real girl as well (which is what you're trying to accomplish after all).

Two more O's yesterday, which I'm actually quite proud of  ;D

The first one was in the morning, my girl and I started fooling around and then it led up to her giving me a handy which after some intense concentration and a good amount of time, I busted to. And then a couple of hours later, we fooled around again and it ended with her giving me a blowjob and I actually busted after ten or fifteen minutes. I've gotten plenty of blowjobs before but never busted (I actually thought I was physically unable to bust to something like a blowjob because I desensitized myself with all the PMO) so that's quite a milestone for me and it felt really fucking good.

However, things are even shakier with her now and I'm kinda put off by it. Still haven't had too much of an urge to go back to porn and PMO but I know that's gonna hit me if this relationship falls through. I think I'll be able to fight it now, since all of my porn has been deleted and there's girls left and right and parties with even more girls every weekend here anyway 

Thanks for the support BailHope. I suppose I'll only reset to artificial stimuli

Damn awkward, you are doing awesome. You don't need to reset.  You have a warm body next to you, not a screen. 

Thanks Jaystock, the support means a lot to me bro 

So things fell through with that girl. Pretty sad about it. Kinda wanted to turn to PMO at one point but remembered I deleted my stash and that kinda killed the urge for me. Now I'm just sad as opposed to horny and sad like I would be usually after a thing like this. I don't think I'm gonna PMO any time soon

Relapsed after I woke up without her beside me. Won't happen again

Fucking hell it happened again. Alright, I'm going to start going for a run every morning as soon as I wake up. It's the laying in bed and doing nothing that's killing me

I know the feeling. Try putting your alarm clock (and/or cellphone) on a different floor in your house, or way across the room. So that when they go off, you are forced to get out of bed. This helped me through the worst when I was starting my reboot. Now it seems I have the willpower to just get out of bed in the morning without doing anything to myself.

Guys I have to apologize to all of you because it happened again. This time will be the last. On Saturday one of my friends brought her 21 year old cousin back over to the dorms who acted kinda interested in me and even told my friend on the down low that she thinks I'm cute. I'm gonna try to draw on that for inspiration to fight the urges cause she's gonna be coming down here again soon and if something happens I need to at least have two weeks clean under my belt to perform at any level. I can do it. Pray for me guys