WoundedSparrow
Active Member
I just need to vent a little about some things and I figured this would be the place to do it. I'm almost two weeks into another reboot attempt. I'm just taking it one day at a time and dealing with withdrawal effects as they come. Porn has worsened my ability to interact with women and I was always garbage at it to begin with. I'm fairly sure I have Asperger's. It would explain why I'm oblivious to subtleties in conversation and my awkwardness, among other things. On top of that, I'm not an attractive man. I never thought I was ugly, but certain events of the last few years have convinced me otherwise. My self-esteem is at an all-time low. Throw porn into the mix and, well... You get my point.
At some point I realized that porn was making me into a creep. If I found a woman that I was attracted to, even if we only interacted briefly for a few seconds, I'd obsess over her. If I was out somewhere and I saw her again, I'd catch myself staring at her. Sometimes she caught me staring. Sometimes I'd try to interact with her to try and seem less off-putting, but the words never came out right and it ended up making things worse. This has been happening recently as well. I'm not sure if it's just me or the porn or both. It's probably both.
I'll see an attractive woman and my first instinct will be to try and get her to like me. But I won't know how. I'll either alienate her or keep to myself and obsess. As I'm writing this, I feel so guilty. I feel like someone reading this will think I'm a creep or a stalker or even a potential rapist, but I'm not. I'm a guy who's bad with women and addicted to porn. I'm misunderstood. I've always been misunderstood. But porn has made me obsess over lots of things. I get a thought in my head and I fixate on it. It's at its worst with women.
Porn has caused negativity in my interactions with women in general and also in relationships. I realize now that I'm not worthy of a woman in my life and I won't be until I've kicked porn. On the flipside, a woman doesn't deserve to have to deal with me until I'm clean. But that doesn't stop the pathological need I seem to have to be with someone. I desperately wanted a girlfriend in high school but never had one. Since then, I've had several but never a relationship longer than three months. I've never had sex either. In high school, I was upset about my virginity, but now I'm not. I've had plenty of opportunity for sex, but I'm saving myself for the right woman. And I'm currently doubting I'll ever find her.
Even without porn, my interactions with the ladies never really went well. As I've said, I've always been awkward. I'm also only 5ft 9 and I'm not much to look at. I try dating apps like Tinder and I'll swipe on hundreds of women before I get even one match. And half the time it's someone I accidentally swiped on I'm not even interested in. If it is someone I'm into, I'm ghosted after 3 messages for no reason. Why match if you aren't going to talk? I envy others who can get the women they want. Tall, good-looking, and suave guys that can choose a woman they want and get chosen in return. That doesn't happen to me. I'm never a first choice and I'm rarely anyone's choice at all.
If I'm starting to sound like an incel, I don't mean to. Incels typically have horrible personalities and are obsessed with sex. I'm a good person, or at least I try to be, and I'm not looking for sex. I want love. Real, lasting love. I'm not even interested in sex until at the very least I can definitively say I'm in love with someone. But sometimes I feel as though I at least partially understand an incel's frustrations. Genetics is a random lottery and if you aren't born with the right genes, you're at a disadvantage for life. Both physically and mentally. I get depressed thinking about it. I've cried over it. I'm the ugly duckling without the swan part at the end. I'm stuck with the way I look and there's not a damn thing I can ever do about it. I've never considered myself ugly up until these last few years, and I'll explain why.
Back in college a few years ago, I lived in a co-ed dorm. A few girls down the hall had a dry-erase board on their door that they'd write messages on and ask questions and people would write responses anonymously. I was one of those people. I'd have conversations with them and tell jokes and they'd lol and stuff. It was fun. One day one of them posted that they were dying for Chinese food and I said "screw it" and asked what kind they liked. They were like, "OMG r u serious?!?!?" and told me. There was a Chinese place nearby with good takeout for cheap so I went and got a box and left it outside the door and knocked. I was greeted on the board an hour or so later with a thank you and a Snapchat to add, which I did.
There was a computer lab in the basement of the building. I was working on a paper when a girl comes in holding the container of food I got her. She was on the phone with a friend talking about it. I began messaging her on Snapchat because I wanted to see her reaction firsthand. She was telling her phone friend about how sweet I was and how she was nervous and excited I was messaging her. She also said, "If he's ugly I'm going to cry." Well, one of us certainly would feel like doing so in about 5 seconds.
She said, "I can't wait to meet him" and at that point, I said from across the room, "Well, now's your chance." She asked if I was the person she was messaging on Snap. I said yes. The look on her face she gave was one I'd never forget. Her hopeful happy experession faded to reveal a combination of disappointment and disgust that was almost palpable. I may as well have told her I ran over her puppy with my car. She awkwardly thanked me, avoiding eye contact while doing so, and asked if I wanted her to pay me back for the food. I told her no and she awkwardly said "thanks" again and sat back down. And that was it. After that, I left. Within 20 minutes she deleted me on Snapchat and about an hour later, I went out and checked the board. Everything we had written earlier that day was gone. Empty. Like me.
I obviously realize that a woman like that wasn't worth my time and came to find out she was insufferable later on, but that's beside the point. We hit it off until she saw what I looked like. Even if I wanted to be with her knowing what I did about her personality, I couldn't have her. I couldn't have a woman I chose because my looks alone prevented her from choosing me. It was both eye-opening and soul-crushing.
More recently, I was working retail (GameStop) during the holidays and an extremely attractive girl was in the store. I chatted her up and she seemed really cool. A coworker of mine also talked to her about the same sort of things I did, as she was buying a system and was curious about games for it. I remarked to the guys I was working with that she was cute after she left and went to the bathroom. When I came back out, I was informed that while I was gone, the girl had come back in and given her Snapchat to my coworker. I was devastated. We both talked to her for the exact same amount of time about gaming. And he won and I lost. There's only one reason for that. I was the ugly one. It's not like he was flirting either, as he already had a girlfriend and told me he only accepted her Snap to be polite. He had no interest in contacting her and he never did. I'm the type of person who rarely sheds tears. I have to either be incredibly upset or someone I care about has to be dead. That night, I was in agony. I cried because I knew that my fate in this world was for this experience to continue because of something I couldn't change. I'd never be attractive enough to be a woman's first choice. I'd always lose to someone else.
I'm over all of it. I've decided that in addition to all the discipline behind quitting porn, I'm also going to quit attempting to even find someone until I'm clean. Fighting the need to have someone and going out of my way to try and stand out. Maybe it'll help and maybe it won't but I've had enough misery. No more trying to impress girls I find cute. No more obsessing. I see a girl I like, and I just turn her off. Not avoid contact, but avoid trying to chat her up and avoid thinking about her. Only speak to a girl when spoken to. Never try and flirt or even joke around. It doesn't help. Any fleeting hope will spark obsession which will only lead to disappointment and misery. I'm tired of leaving bad impressions. I'm tired of obsessions and the inevitable misery that follows. I'm tired of wondering why I'm not good enough. And even when I'm clean, I'll still be awkward and I'll still be ugly. I don't have a long-term solution and maybe I never will. But right now, I'm just playing with the hand I'm dealt.
At some point I realized that porn was making me into a creep. If I found a woman that I was attracted to, even if we only interacted briefly for a few seconds, I'd obsess over her. If I was out somewhere and I saw her again, I'd catch myself staring at her. Sometimes she caught me staring. Sometimes I'd try to interact with her to try and seem less off-putting, but the words never came out right and it ended up making things worse. This has been happening recently as well. I'm not sure if it's just me or the porn or both. It's probably both.
I'll see an attractive woman and my first instinct will be to try and get her to like me. But I won't know how. I'll either alienate her or keep to myself and obsess. As I'm writing this, I feel so guilty. I feel like someone reading this will think I'm a creep or a stalker or even a potential rapist, but I'm not. I'm a guy who's bad with women and addicted to porn. I'm misunderstood. I've always been misunderstood. But porn has made me obsess over lots of things. I get a thought in my head and I fixate on it. It's at its worst with women.
Porn has caused negativity in my interactions with women in general and also in relationships. I realize now that I'm not worthy of a woman in my life and I won't be until I've kicked porn. On the flipside, a woman doesn't deserve to have to deal with me until I'm clean. But that doesn't stop the pathological need I seem to have to be with someone. I desperately wanted a girlfriend in high school but never had one. Since then, I've had several but never a relationship longer than three months. I've never had sex either. In high school, I was upset about my virginity, but now I'm not. I've had plenty of opportunity for sex, but I'm saving myself for the right woman. And I'm currently doubting I'll ever find her.
Even without porn, my interactions with the ladies never really went well. As I've said, I've always been awkward. I'm also only 5ft 9 and I'm not much to look at. I try dating apps like Tinder and I'll swipe on hundreds of women before I get even one match. And half the time it's someone I accidentally swiped on I'm not even interested in. If it is someone I'm into, I'm ghosted after 3 messages for no reason. Why match if you aren't going to talk? I envy others who can get the women they want. Tall, good-looking, and suave guys that can choose a woman they want and get chosen in return. That doesn't happen to me. I'm never a first choice and I'm rarely anyone's choice at all.
If I'm starting to sound like an incel, I don't mean to. Incels typically have horrible personalities and are obsessed with sex. I'm a good person, or at least I try to be, and I'm not looking for sex. I want love. Real, lasting love. I'm not even interested in sex until at the very least I can definitively say I'm in love with someone. But sometimes I feel as though I at least partially understand an incel's frustrations. Genetics is a random lottery and if you aren't born with the right genes, you're at a disadvantage for life. Both physically and mentally. I get depressed thinking about it. I've cried over it. I'm the ugly duckling without the swan part at the end. I'm stuck with the way I look and there's not a damn thing I can ever do about it. I've never considered myself ugly up until these last few years, and I'll explain why.
Back in college a few years ago, I lived in a co-ed dorm. A few girls down the hall had a dry-erase board on their door that they'd write messages on and ask questions and people would write responses anonymously. I was one of those people. I'd have conversations with them and tell jokes and they'd lol and stuff. It was fun. One day one of them posted that they were dying for Chinese food and I said "screw it" and asked what kind they liked. They were like, "OMG r u serious?!?!?" and told me. There was a Chinese place nearby with good takeout for cheap so I went and got a box and left it outside the door and knocked. I was greeted on the board an hour or so later with a thank you and a Snapchat to add, which I did.
There was a computer lab in the basement of the building. I was working on a paper when a girl comes in holding the container of food I got her. She was on the phone with a friend talking about it. I began messaging her on Snapchat because I wanted to see her reaction firsthand. She was telling her phone friend about how sweet I was and how she was nervous and excited I was messaging her. She also said, "If he's ugly I'm going to cry." Well, one of us certainly would feel like doing so in about 5 seconds.
She said, "I can't wait to meet him" and at that point, I said from across the room, "Well, now's your chance." She asked if I was the person she was messaging on Snap. I said yes. The look on her face she gave was one I'd never forget. Her hopeful happy experession faded to reveal a combination of disappointment and disgust that was almost palpable. I may as well have told her I ran over her puppy with my car. She awkwardly thanked me, avoiding eye contact while doing so, and asked if I wanted her to pay me back for the food. I told her no and she awkwardly said "thanks" again and sat back down. And that was it. After that, I left. Within 20 minutes she deleted me on Snapchat and about an hour later, I went out and checked the board. Everything we had written earlier that day was gone. Empty. Like me.
I obviously realize that a woman like that wasn't worth my time and came to find out she was insufferable later on, but that's beside the point. We hit it off until she saw what I looked like. Even if I wanted to be with her knowing what I did about her personality, I couldn't have her. I couldn't have a woman I chose because my looks alone prevented her from choosing me. It was both eye-opening and soul-crushing.
More recently, I was working retail (GameStop) during the holidays and an extremely attractive girl was in the store. I chatted her up and she seemed really cool. A coworker of mine also talked to her about the same sort of things I did, as she was buying a system and was curious about games for it. I remarked to the guys I was working with that she was cute after she left and went to the bathroom. When I came back out, I was informed that while I was gone, the girl had come back in and given her Snapchat to my coworker. I was devastated. We both talked to her for the exact same amount of time about gaming. And he won and I lost. There's only one reason for that. I was the ugly one. It's not like he was flirting either, as he already had a girlfriend and told me he only accepted her Snap to be polite. He had no interest in contacting her and he never did. I'm the type of person who rarely sheds tears. I have to either be incredibly upset or someone I care about has to be dead. That night, I was in agony. I cried because I knew that my fate in this world was for this experience to continue because of something I couldn't change. I'd never be attractive enough to be a woman's first choice. I'd always lose to someone else.
I'm over all of it. I've decided that in addition to all the discipline behind quitting porn, I'm also going to quit attempting to even find someone until I'm clean. Fighting the need to have someone and going out of my way to try and stand out. Maybe it'll help and maybe it won't but I've had enough misery. No more trying to impress girls I find cute. No more obsessing. I see a girl I like, and I just turn her off. Not avoid contact, but avoid trying to chat her up and avoid thinking about her. Only speak to a girl when spoken to. Never try and flirt or even joke around. It doesn't help. Any fleeting hope will spark obsession which will only lead to disappointment and misery. I'm tired of leaving bad impressions. I'm tired of obsessions and the inevitable misery that follows. I'm tired of wondering why I'm not good enough. And even when I'm clean, I'll still be awkward and I'll still be ugly. I don't have a long-term solution and maybe I never will. But right now, I'm just playing with the hand I'm dealt.