Ender's Journal: And End of Addiction

Ender

Member
*WARNING!*
May contain triggers!
Read at your own risk.

Hello,

I'm Ender and I am about to turn 29. I have been battling my porn addiction since day one and I have finally decided it ends once and for all. I will never forget the day I was first exposed to hardcore pornography. I was just an innocent little boy of 10 when I found my dad's stash of VHS tapes. I remember rushing to open that file cabinet every time I had the house to myself (which, looking back, was way too often. But my parents' lack of parenting skills is another matter). Not long after that, we got high speed internet and I made the switch to internet porn. By that point, porn had become a daily activity. I would wait up late at night, until everyone else was asleep, and sneak onto the family computer and PMO my brains out. To this day, I don't know how I didn't get caught doing this. I quickly climbed the "shock and surprise" ladder and by the age of 14, my fetishes included things like shemales and bestiality. I was a very depressed and lonely teenager, I started self harming around age 12 or 13. If you haven't guessed, my family life was shit and I used porn to numb that pain. Along with video games and my eating disorder, porn was my primary way of dealing with negative emotions. Looking back, I would relive my childhood pain over and over instead of numbing it because of all the pain the porn ended up causing in my life.


When I was 17, I found my first girlfriend. It was a miserable relationship for many reasons I won't go into. But the important bits were how awful the sex was. I have a feeling that my porn addicted brain wasn't feeling it with a real girl. Plus, she was one of the only people I ever told about looking at porn (I didn't realize it was an addiction at the time, so when I told her, it was along the lines of "yeah, I've looked at porn a couple times in my life" [when the more accurate phrase would have been "yeah, I've looked at porn a couple time today"]). Boy did she drag my ass over the coals from admiting to looking at porn, and I had even lied to her and said it all took place before we met. Did I deserve her treating me like shit for looking at smut? Hell yeah I did. But back then I was still too hooked to realize it. Obviously, that relationship was doomed. I became very guarded and went to great lengths to keep my porn watching from her. I ended up dumping her the day I got to college (over text message, like the asshole I was). Looking back, high school was when porn really started taking a toll on my life. My social group shrank considerably from freshman year until I graduated. My depression rose drastically and my first suicide attempts (coming up with a plan and beginning to act on it but chickened right before) also took place here.

College was really rough for me. As you can guess, I was riddled with anxiety and depression. By this point my self hatred had escalated to putting out my cigarettes on myself. I had trouble making friends and staying motivated in school. My first quarter is when my drug and alcohol addictions both started. My "friends" were actually just a small group who shared my addictions and who enabled each other. This was also the time I had my next serious relationship. Just as before, I prefered porn to the real thing. Because of her major and the fact that she was from another country, about half of our relationship was long distance. I actually preferred our Skype sessions to real sex, probably because it activated my porn desires more strongly. Obviously, this relationship didn't last either. Looking back, I see how emotionally and mentally abusive I was to her and it breaks my heart. I don't deserve the love she offered me (not yet at least). After three years of accumulating addictions and bad habits, my academics suffered greatly and the financial plug was pulled. I was forced to drop out of college. From there, things got really dark...


The first thing I did when I dropped out was withdraw my First Communion money. Way back in 2nd grade, when I received my First Communion, I had been given $10,000 (well, it was placed in some kind of invested account to be put into my name when I turned 18). I was told to save this money so I could buy a house one day. But what addict listens to logic and good reasoning? I immediately withdrew the money and used it to get an apartment. From here, I LITERALLY did nothing but look at porn, play video games, look at porn, do drugs, look at porn, eat junk food, look at porn, and get drunk. During this period, I lost contact with everyone I knew from college. After only 3 months, my money ran out. Since I didn't have a job (that would have cut into my porn time) I had to go to my parents. They each agreed to let me live with them, and for the next few years, I was bounced between their houses. I kept pretending to go back to school or look for work, when in reality, I was sleeping all day and staying up all night with porn, video games, and binge eating (I had a hard time affording drugs and alcohol at this point). This was also when my first full suicide attempt took place, landing me in the emergency room and psych ward immediately after. When I was released from hospital, I knew something needed to change. Sadly, it didn't...

I was hoping my suicide attempt would have been a wake up call to my parents, but looking back, it should have been one to me. When their treatment of me didn't change, I decided I was done with them and looked for a way out. Less than a month from being released from the psych ward, I met a guy on an online dating website for furries (one of my fetishes at the time). I moved in with him on the third date and cut all ties with my family. He was also a porn addict like me, and also shared my addiction to video games, drugs (fuck, his roommate was a dealer), and junk food. It was a match made in Hell. Fortunately, this relationship didn't last long (he found me looking at straight porn one too many times) and he dumped me and kicked me out. From here, I became literally homeless. For legal reasons, I need to be careful what I post about this segment of my journey. But to sum it up, I did A LOT of really awful shit to survive. I am still shaking at the depths to which I sank during this period. I also survived two more suicide attempts during this period...


By some sort of miracle, my mom tracked me down and asked if I would move in with her if I agreed to get help for my depression (to this day, she has only seen the tip of iceberg when it comes to my issues). I went along and the therapy definitely helped. I got my first real job, making minimum wage in fast food at 26 fucking sucks, but was a start. However, this only gave me the money to buy drugs. I literally spent all of my time not at work getting high, looking at porn, and playing video games. But I guess it was some form of progress. Well this didn't even last a year. My mom kicked me out and I had just enough saved up to afford a really cheap apartment. I even found a much better job in the proecess (where I currently still work). I guess, big picture, things were looking up. I made several attempts to be social and even dated a little. But in the end, I preferred to be alone in front of a computer screen than pursue the real thing. My depression was better, I haven't tried to kill myself since I was homeless, but was still always there. As you can bet, porn still absorbed a vast majority of my time and energy. While I could appear to have made drastic improvements, I was really just shifting around bad habits to better support my miserable existance. I can't tell you how many different things I blamed that weren't porn. And the couple times I did realize what was actually causing the problem, I quickly convinced myself that I was wrong and that porn would never hurt me.

My first wake up call should have been last summer. See, I wasn't just masturbating to porn, I was also abusing my back enterance. I won't gross you out on those details, but that summer, I had become so aggressive with that practice I had to go to urgent care and see a surgeon. You would think a kick in the ass like that would have been enough to get me to quit. And I did, I think I went porn free for almost two weeks. But as usual, I relapsed and went back to my old ways. This leads me to my current wake up call, the one that landed me here and gave me the strength and perception needed to quit this awful demon.

My porn demon's ultimate downfall is when it tried to manifest itself in my physical life. Yes, I am still laughing maniacally at the irony. Earlier this year, my obsession with porn drove me to the point of buying a sex doll. I won't go into the details of how this changed my life (way too many triggers) but lets just say my apartment became a permanent porn scene. But like all addictions, I wasn't satisfied and ended up buying two more dolls! It was my third doll, #3 (she didn't last long enough to get a real name) that turned out to be my angel in disguise. I only had sex with her twice and became so horribly depressed afterwards it changed something in me. I was horrified at what I had done. I was disgusted with myself. I couldn't believe how emotionally attached I had become to a literal sex object. I was so incredibly angry at myself for buying her, I was literally shaking. There are several holes and dents in my walls that were also a result of this anger. That rage is what lead to my Great Purge. Last week, I chopped my dolls up into little pieces and dismantled their metal frames. I disposed of them and their accessories in 8 garbage bags. I also deleted my 200 gb porn folder (since then, I've already used recovery software twice to restore it, if I try that shit again, I'm taking a hammer to my hard drive). I've even started the process of throwing away my sex toys (I don't think toys are inherently bad, but if they start to trigger me, they will share the fate of my dolls). It has been a really difficult week, but another miracle took place yesterday. I was looking at some porn substitutes (didn't know that phrase at the time, but I'm glad I learned it) when I found a link to the Your Brain On Porn video. Oh. My. God. It was like looking into a mirror. I felt like someone had shined a light on my life and allowed me to see myself with clarity for the first time. I'm still seeing just how huge of an effect porn has had on my life. That video gave me the strength, knowledge, and determination to quit once and for all. It also lead me here, where I will hopefully find some support as I battle this demon.

Now that you've heard my story (those of you who braved it, I thank you), here is where I am at now. Today is Day 1, I did PMO yesterday after watching Your Brain On Porn. But it was a very different session. Thanks to the video, I was able to see exactly how the porn was effecting me, and it lost a lot of it's power! I wasn't nearly as into it or aroused as I normally was. That simple change in awareness had such a big effect. I'm still doing my research on rebooting and reading through all of your beautiful success stories (hopefully mine will be just as inspirational one day) so I don't have a hard set of rules, but here is what I am thinking:

-No Porn or Subs (this is the only rule I am sure about so far and shouldn't need explaining)
-No masturbation for at least a week, maybe two (still doing research on this one, I know I need to get through the first couple weeks before any form of sex can safely reintroduced)
-No video games (these are a huge trigger for me, not entirely sure why. I think video games share a similar addiction area of the brain or something? If anyone has any information on video game addiction, I would be very grateful)
-No booze or drugs (I've been off the hard shit for years, and the soft stuff for about 3 months. I did have a lot to drink when I cut up my dolls, so only a week sober there).
-No TV or Movies (like video games, these are big triggers for me. I also deleted my TV/Movie folder when I deleted my porn folder).

I have a lot more I want to say, but this post has already become much longer than I anticipated. But I actually think it's best if I leave some thoughts left unsaid. They will be encouragement to come back here and say them tomorrow, and the next, and the next...

And seriously, thank you to anyone who took the time to read my journal. I know my experiences sounds extreme, and possibly even unreal. But I assure you, this is the reality I have lived. And I've even left out some of the worst bits (like being abused as a child). Remember, it's not a competition to see who has suffered the most. Instead, let us make it a cooperation to see how much we can help each other and improve our lives.

Sir Ender
 

Kraken

Well-Known Member
Welcome to the nation Ender, you're in the right place.  That's awesome that you've decided to take a different path and start to recover.  Your story is very intense and you need to patient with yourself.  It is going to take some time for your brain to heal and you have to keep trying even if you relapse.

My suggestion is to avoid all pmo and mo, and video games for at least 90 days, a reboot of your brain.  Video games tied into my pmo habit as well.  I suspect you should remove drugs and alcohol too but I don't have experience there so I'll let others speak on that. 

That's a lot of stuff to remove and you will find you suddenly have a ton of free time. So, I recommend you do some dreaming, some thinking and imagine: if you had a magic wand and could have anything you want, be anything you want, have any level of fitness that you want, be with any type of partner that you want - what would that look like for you?  Dream big my friend.  And then make a plan to reach little goals that will add up to your big dream.  Then you can use that new time on activities you really love and care about and the free time will not be so jarring.

You will have some crazy withdrawals for the first month or two, be prepared and keep learning from your brain on porn, the book demise of guys, noah Church's YouTube talk, Gabe Deem's youtube channel and on this forum.

I'll leave you with this, post on here every day and encourage others on here as well. You'll get to see your progress on the future when you journal regularly.  It's been very helpful to me.
 

BlueHeronFan

Respected Member
Squid's right, this is a great place for support, learning, and personal growth, and regular posting and participation can be a great thing.

More than anything, this community helps me get out of my own head and see my thoughts and feelings from a more objective perspective. The people here have given me a lot of great ideas and support.

It sounds like you're starting off with a strong start. Cut out the substitutes and the triggers and focus on healing from addiction. We're here fighting this thing with you
 

Ender

Member
Thank you both for the words of encouragement. As I begin my second day, I had some thoughts I wanted to share.

First, I'm beginning to realize that all my addictions are connected somehow. My current working theory is this: porn was my first addiction and laid the initial foundation of addiction in my brain. From there, I added additional addictions (like video games and binge eating) to add an extra boost as well as keep the addiction pathways open each time I quit my primary addiction. Doing some reflecting, I realize now that each time I gave up porn, I would just hit one or more of my other addictions harder until I relapsed back to the original. Conclusion: the only way I'm going go beat this thing is by quitting everything.

Last night was a perfect example, I already broke one of my rules and played some video games before bed. While this didn't trigger my porn desires, I did feel it lighting up my addiction pathways in my brain. After a couple hours of video games, I became very frustrated with myself and deleted all my games from my PC.

Food is going to be a fucking a bitch, since you can't completely quit eating (not for very long anyways) but I'm not giving up.

@squid You brought up an amazing point, one I hadn't considered in my entire life. My future. I've spent my whole life numbing myself or running from my past. I've rarely been able to focus on the present and never looked ahead at my future. I think you are absolutely right, I need to come up with a dream, a vision of who I will become once I reclaim my power. That's what I'm going to focus on at work.
 

Kraken

Well-Known Member
Good stuff dude!  Once you do that tomorrow, then you'll have an answer to the question "what do you do when you're bored out of you mind and seeking novelty and progression but can't use any of your old ways of getting it?"  Also, don't forget to be patient with yourself, you been doing these habits for years, it's going to take more than a weekend to switch to new ones.  But when do, it's like finally seeing in full color instead of black and white.

I started my reboot and kept gaming for a few weeks but noticed how I just felt numb and awful afterwards and I had trouble not playing for hours on end.  So I said in my journal I would stop it but I didn't follow through.  It took another week then I uninstalled all my games and gave my gaming desktop to my sister to use for a while (I still have a gaming laptop but it was a powerful moment for me, giving up the custom desktop).

Now I haven't played any games in the week since.  But I started to watching videos of other people playing games so I'm starting to take a look at that habit and thinking of alternatives.  All the while though, I'm getting closer a little bit every day to becoming someone I would be proud to be, that I long to be.  It's a process, you're doing great! 
 

Ender

Member
Mid day update.

I'm on lunch break at the moment and needed to post some stuff. Something big has shifted in me since starting this journal. All that anger and regret I had has started transmuting in courage, strength, and perseverance. I have been so overcome with emotion that I've already cried 5 times since my shift started, and I've only been here 4 hours! I also dug up some music that I find really inspirational and I feel like I'm hearing the lyrics for the first time. Very motivational stuff.

Anyways, Squid I was thinking about video games a lot tonight. For starters, I've already caught myself fantasizing about them a couple times. I know that porn hijacks the sex drive, the primal force the pushes all life to reproduce. I think that video games hijack some other very primal forces, the hunt and gather drive as well as the achievement/advancement drive. I noticed that when I was gaming yesterday, I was obsessed with collecting every little item I could loot, both from enemies and from the environment. Even though 90% of the items were utterly useless to my character, I had to be sure I thoroughly cleared each room. I think this is my hunter/gatherer mindset of maximizing the resources of my surroundings. And then there is the achievement aspect. We are driven to keep improving ourselves and video games super stimulate this drive by giving us a platform to see measurable advancement in a matter of hours or minutes even.

I think this is why video games and porn are so addicting. They hijack and super stimulate some of our most powerful survival drives. Plus, they have no physical limit of consumption like drugs or alcohol.
 

Kraken

Well-Known Member
I think you're on to something there.  And when you take those instincts and put them towards your art there really is no limit to the good things that will happen.  Keep going man!
 

Ender

Member
Day 2

The rest of work went decent, my boss was his usual asshole self, but this is his last week so it's easier to tolerate. I haven't been sleeping much the last couple weeks, 4 hours a day tops, and I am definitely starting to feel the effects today. That's why I'm going to try and make this brief so I can go to bed early today.


Thanks to your responses, I have noticed a big potential pitfall on the horizon. I don't have any activities, hobbies, goals, or ideas of what to fill my time up with that I used to waste on porn (and video games). With the weekend looming, this is about to be a big issue. I have a meeting with my Ipsalu Tantra group this Friday evening (I can't wait to post about Tantra and how beneficial it has been to identifying my addictions and giving me the teeth to fight back, but it's going to be a looonnnngggg post, so I'm saving that one) and I'm really looking forward to it. Other than that, I literally have nothing to do this weekend. I think I'm going to use my free time contemplate what I want to do with my life once I'm free of this demon.

After work today, I was doing some cleaning and I found some clothes, accessories, and "parts" from my dolls that I had missed during the Great Purge. I was pretty shocked at how not triggered I was by them. I think it's because I'm still riding my initial wave of "I'm done with this shit". Plus, if I had found them two or three weeks from now, when the withdrawal is hitting me hard, I may have had a different reaction. So I'm really glad I found them today, because they went straight into a garbage bag and right out to the trash. No second thoughts, no urges.

Another blessing in disguise I noticed was my internet. Over a month ago, my internet provider fucked me over for the third time and I decided to cancel my service with them. Well, my service was officially cut off about a week ago and I've been procrastinating finding a new provider. I think I'm actually going to stay internet free for a while since this will make going back to porn much more difficult as well as aid with my video game addiction. For once, my laziness pays off! I'll still have my cell phone's data plan to get on here though, plus my work has wifi.

One last thing, does anyone have any advice or information about not masturbating during a reboot? I know porn is an absolute no, and right now I have masturbation as a no as well. But I've already had the temptation of "it doesn't count if you're not looking at porn, go ahead and play with yourself" cross my mind. I didn't listen to it and banished the thought from my mind. But for me, information is the most powerful tool in fighting addiction. And I'm having trouble finding information specifically about masturbation, or any sexual pleasure, during a reboot. Everything I have read so far goes on and on about porn (again, totally agree with this aspect), but then just lumps masturbation into the same catergory and never explains it. I mean, at some point sexual pleasure has to be okay. Right now, my temptations are low, so I feel pretty safe. But from what I've read about other people's experiences during a reboot, I'm nowhere near the worst of it. I will continue doing my own research, but any help is much appreciated.

Time for me to catch up on some much needed sleep,

Sir Ender
 

BlueHeronFan

Respected Member
Ender said:
I'm on lunch break at the moment and needed to post some stuff. Something big has shifted in me since starting this journal. All that anger and regret I had has started transmuting in courage, strength, and perseverance. I have been so overcome with emotion that I've already cried 5 times since my shift started, and I've only been here 4 hours! I also dug up some music that I find really inspirational and I feel like I'm hearing the lyrics for the first time. Very motivational stuff.

My attitude toward recovery has changed a lot as I have realized that my addiction was not just some awful thing that I did to myself because I am perverted and out of control. Instead, I have realized that any addictive behavior comes out of some desire to escape from pain. Addictions are coping mechanisms, our body's best (misguided) effort to help us to deal with all the garbage we deal with in life.

The shift for me has been this: whenever urges come, I don't get mad or frustrated with myself. I don't try to punish myself back into good behavior. Instead, when urges come, I recognize them as a sign that I am in pain and my brain is trying to remind me of something that has let me escape pain for a long time. Urges are a sign I need to slow down and take better care of myself.

Definitely continue to let go of that anger and regret and focus on taking care of yourself and living toward a happier, more meaningful future.

Ender said:
Thanks to your responses, I have noticed a big potential pitfall on the horizon. I don't have any activities, hobbies, goals, or ideas of what to fill my time up with that I used to waste on porn (and video games). With the weekend looming, this is about to be a big issue. I have a meeting with my Ipsalu Tantra group this Friday evening (I can't wait to post about Tantra and how beneficial it has been to identifying my addictions and giving me the teeth to fight back, but it's going to be a looonnnngggg post, so I'm saving that one) and I'm really looking forward to it. Other than that, I literally have nothing to do this weekend. I think I'm going to use my free time contemplate what I want to do with my life once I'm free of this demon.

This is also a big thing to be aware of. It can't just be about stopping our addictive behavior. Unless we fill that emptiness in our lives with something better, we just leave room for addiction to come right back in. For me, to-do lists and schedules have been really helpful (even or especially on weekends). You might not know now, but think of the good things that you have always wanted to do but never got around to. I think productive projects and satisfying hobbies are a huge part of recovery.

Ender said:
One last thing, does anyone have any advice or information about not masturbating during a reboot? I know porn is an absolute no, and right now I have masturbation as a no as well. But I've already had the temptation of "it doesn't count if you're not looking at porn, go ahead and play with yourself" cross my mind. I didn't listen to it and banished the thought from my mind. But for me, information is the most powerful tool in fighting addiction. And I'm having trouble finding information specifically about masturbation, or any sexual pleasure, during a reboot. Everything I have read so far goes on and on about porn (again, totally agree with this aspect), but then just lumps masturbation into the same catergory and never explains it. I mean, at some point sexual pleasure has to be okay. Right now, my temptations are low, so I feel pretty safe. But from what I've read about other people's experiences during a reboot, I'm nowhere near the worst of it. I will continue doing my own research, but any help is much appreciated.

Here are my thoughts on masturbation. In my experience, there is no way to masturbate and not have it lead me back to porn eventually. For me, it's all part of the same addictive dopamine pathway, and porn and masturbation, whether separate or together, are all just ways to use sexual stimulation to cope with life (addictive behaviors). I also realize that not everyone has the same goal, but, for me, the goal is to have eventually a real, stable relationship with a real, awesome woman. Porn isn't that. Masturbation isn't that. Anything that is sexual that doesn't actually help me build a relationship is off the table. (Checking out women around town who I would never talk to, for example, is also off-limits.)

I realize that it can sound maybe a little harsh and a little extreme. But here's the thing: if the goal is to really get rid of addiction, that means addiction in all its forms, even the little triggers that we might think are harmless or normal. It's so much easier to avoid porn if I'm not spending the day staring at women or masturbating. Those things always, always get me thinking about porn, and then it's just a matter of time before I relapse again. I also haven't been around this forum too long, but I have been around long enough to see guys try to justify masturbation as a part of their recovery but then decide that it's doing more harm than good. Different things might work for different people, but I haven't seen anyone get masturbation to work for them.

I guess a more concise version of all that (for me, at least) would be: Sexual pleasure for its own sake isn't okay. Sexual pleasure as part of a meaningful relationship is okay (even though I'm lightyears away from that...still a goal though, lol).

Keep on going, man! It's really awesome that you're committing so strong right from the start here.
 

Ender

Member
@BlueHeronFan

Thank you for your beautiful post. Your explanation of masturbation has really helped. It really is just another form of addiction. It is, after all, just another dopamine button. If I want my dopamine system to reboot, I have to stop pressing all of its buttons. That's the missing piece I was looking for. Now I know what to tell myself when I start trying to rationalize it. Masturbating is like an alcoholic saying "one beer won't hurt" Will a single beer hurt? Honestly, no. Does it ever stop at just one though? Also, no lol
 

Ender

Member
Day 3

Having a real shit day. I keep getting headaches and I feel like my brain is pissed off at me. I'm in a foul mood and have no reason to be. I'm questioning if I made the right call of quitting everything at the same time. But I don't want to go back to any of it. I'm going to fight through it.

The good news is that I'm becoming more and more aware of how my addiction has warped me. My constant need for numbness or distraction at any means is bucking like a wild bronco. I'm hoping it will kick itself out soon. I really need to find some activities to keep my mind busy. I can barely sleep still yet I'm exhausted all the time.

I don't want to go see my Tantra group tonight. But I know that's just my addiction talking. Trying to take away the one good thing I have going in my life. I'm going to force myself to go, even if I can't get any more sleep (only got an hour after work).

Fuck this sucks, but I keep reminding myself that's the price of addiction and why I never want to go back.
 
L

Lero

Guest
BlueHeronFan said:
Here are my thoughts on masturbation. In my experience, there is no way to masturbate and not have it lead me back to porn eventually. For me, it's all part of the same addictive dopamine pathway, and porn and masturbation, whether separate or together, are all just ways to use sexual stimulation to cope with life (addictive behaviors). I also realize that not everyone has the same goal, but, for me, the goal is to have eventually a real, stable relationship with a real, awesome woman. Porn isn't that. Masturbation isn't that. Anything that is sexual that doesn't actually help me build a relationship is off the table. (Checking out women around town who I would never talk to, for example, is also off-limits.)

I realize that it can sound maybe a little harsh and a little extreme. But here's the thing: if the goal is to really get rid of addiction, that means addiction in all its forms, even the little triggers that we might think are harmless or normal. It's so much easier to avoid porn if I'm not spending the day staring at women or masturbating. Those things always, always get me thinking about porn, and then it's just a matter of time before I relapse again. I also haven't been around this forum too long, but I have been around long enough to see guys try to justify masturbation as a part of their recovery but then decide that it's doing more harm than good. Different things might work for different people, but I haven't seen anyone get masturbation to work for them.

I guess a more concise version of all that (for me, at least) would be: Sexual pleasure for its own sake isn't okay. Sexual pleasure as part of a meaningful relationship is okay (even though I'm lightyears away from that...still a goal though, lol).

Keep on going, man! It's really awesome that you're committing so strong right from the start here.

I definitely concur. It's the same for me too: I would use MO as a form of soothing/self-medication, because it wouldn't "fulfill" any other purpose anyway. Jerking off lying in bed, feeling alone, isn't my thing. That's why I agree with the "sexual practice as a form of a love relationship". Only for this I would get involved in "anything sexual" again.

Also, when I watch P, I masturbate, so my brain inevitably associates masturbation to P, even if I try to do it without P. It's a part of a behavior that I'm trying to leave behind. I could not get rid of P without getting rid of anything that I brought along. I've tried to MO in the past but it also led me to PMO sooner or later, and there are many people around this forum saying the same thing. I believe hardmode is the best and fastest way to recover.
 

BlueHeronFan

Respected Member
Ender said:
Day 3

Having a real shit day. I keep getting headaches and I feel like my brain is pissed off at me. I'm in a foul mood and have no reason to be. I'm questioning if I made the right call of quitting everything at the same time. But I don't want to go back to any of it. I'm going to fight through it.

The good news is that I'm becoming more and more aware of how my addiction has warped me. My constant need for numbness or distraction at any means is bucking like a wild bronco. I'm hoping it will kick itself out soon. I really need to find some activities to keep my mind busy. I can barely sleep still yet I'm exhausted all the time.

I don't want to go see my Tantra group tonight. But I know that's just my addiction talking. Trying to take away the one good thing I have going in my life. I'm going to force myself to go, even if I can't get any more sleep (only got an hour after work).

Fuck this sucks, but I keep reminding myself that's the price of addiction and why I never want to go back.

Bad days happen. I don't know if this helpful or not, but the last few months (the longest I've gone clean in years) have also been some of the hardest I can remember. At least I know can get through bad days without relying on porn to get through them. Just know that porn addiction messes with our emotions and brains and probably a lot more. Getting back to normal is probably only possible through some turbulence. So stay the course! Healing takes time and having a bad day or two (or more) does not mean you're on the wrong path.

It's true that addictions numb, and we always talk about numbness as an escape from pain. But it also means an escape from all feeling, positive or negative. As you come out of the numbness, your emotions may seems really strong and really upsetting (mine have been) but that's just because you and I have been turning off our emotions for a long time.

And, for what it's worth, I think you're exactly right to decide to quit everything all at once. It might seem hard or like it's too much all at once, but it's like you said: if you're trying to fix your dopamine system, it's easiest when you quit pushing all the buttons. This is not something we can quit by reducing our doses over time because those doses will always keep us coming back for me.

Keep going! It seems like most people agree that the first two weeks or so are usually the hardest. However bad these early days of recovery might feel, that's not how it's going to be forever.
 

Ender

Member
Day 4

The past 24 hours have been phenomenal! I don't know where to begin. My first victory I want to share was this morning when I woke up. I was really aroused and had morning wood that wouldn't go away. My urge to just MO it away was strong. I spent an hour pulling my sexual energy away from my genitals. This is one of the most useful tools I've learned from Tantra, the ability to transmute sexual energy. I pulled my morning horniness up into my brain and redirected that into healing energy. It took a awhile, but I managed and felt so much better for it. I get the feeling i will be leaning on this technique heavily over the next few weeks.

I had another big victory as well. Before I started this reboot, I ordered several sex toys. I tried to cancel the order when I started rebooting, but it was too late, they were already shipped. To make things worse, one of the toys was sent to me by a company who sends me their new toys to test and publish an honest review of them. I've been really dreading their arrival not just because of the potential temptation but with the added obligation to test the one out. But gentlemen, I stayed strong and true to myself. I threw that shit straight in the trash. I even ended my relationship with the company so that they won't be sending me any more toys. Want to know what helped me face those temptations? You. You helped me win that battle. I knew that if I opened the box and played with those toys that I would have to post it right here. I would have to admit my defeat and start all over. I would have let you down and let myself down. Thank you so much for that.

Onto the best news yet. I ended up going to my Tantra group last night and I am beyond ecstatic that I did! For starters, these people are my ONLY social contact. At work, I can count my coworkers on one hand, and even then, we spend the whole night on our individual machines and barely interact. I have little to no contact with my family. And my only friends are very new, and all in my Tantra group. I see now that my reservations about going last night were my demons' attempt at isolating me from the support I needed. Not only is Tantra my sole social outlet, my Tantric practice has given me the weapons I need to fight back against this addiction.

First, I feel I need to educate people a little about Tantra because there are too many misconceptions about what it actually is these days. And that it's exactly what a recovering porn addict like myself needs. The branch of Tantra I practice is called Ipsalu Tantra. Ipsalu means "going beyond desires". My practice is built around transcending my desires so I can reunite with God (or whatever higher power you choose.) We work to understand and redirect our desires towards a better purpose. Many of you have spoken about replacing porn and other addictions with healthier activities. That is so Tantric! So you may already be practicing Tantra and not even know it lol.

One of the most important skills I've learned from Ipsalu Tantra is called Witnessing (I'm sure other spiritual paths use this skill, I've come across it other places. So I'm not trying to claim Tantra owns Witnessing, but this is where I found this magical ability). Witnessing is perceiving an event, thought, emotion, or desire from a non judgemental state. Many of our problems come from our minds' attempt at labeling or categorizing of experiences. We feel pain and we label it as bad. Because it's bad, we try to get rid of it, often times in an unhealthy manner (numbing ourselves, ignoring it, repressing it, etc). But if we learn to Witness our experiences, be fully present in the moment, we see that these experiences aren't us. They only hold power over us when we give them that power. We turn a picture of a beautiful woman into porngraphic smut in our minds, not in the real world. I can go on and on about how powerful Witnessing is (and likely will in later posts) but for now I will leave you with this. By Witnessing my addictions, my urges, my desires, I've been able to regain the power that I gave them. I've also been to trace those desires back to their sources and see where I was injured and how I used addiction to fill those wounds. I'm not perfect at Witnessing, and have much to learn on the subject, but from what little I have learned and instituted in my daily life, I've made huge strides. If you are at all interested in learning this vital skill, let me know. It's not required that you dedicate yourself to the Tantric path in order to learn. That's just where I happen to discover this miracle tool, as well as others who use this skill and who support each other in our path.

The other way that Tantra has changed my life and become a vital tool in my recover is how it is rehumanizing me. When many people see the word Tantra they think "crazy sex positions and wild orgies". I assure you, this is not Tantra. These are wild exaggerations. The practices and activities we do in group have had a huge impact on my recovery. For instance, at my first Tantric event, we did an activity that involved a lot of eye gazing. I stood about a foot from a woman and we simply stared into each others eyes. That's it. For the first time, in my life, I saw a woman not as an object, not as a sexual outlet, not as something I needed to conquer or possess. But I saw a human being. More than that, I saw an expression of God. I saw divinity manifested right before me. It was so humanizing! And then, the reserve hit me. She was seeing me the same way! A complete stranger accepted me, flaws and all, as an equal expression of God. That moment, and the ones that followed, changed me forever. That event was roughly two months ago and directly responsible for leading me here, to recovery.

I really need to wrap this post up, but I still have so much more to share (I keep telling myself I have hundreds of more journals entries to go, pace yourself lol). But I will leave you with my final victory of the day. I took another big step in unplugging myself. I just donated my gaming rig, my projector, and my TV. I know that for me and my recovery, television and video games are massive triggers for me and I just don't want them in my life any more. It feels really good to be rid of them.

Okay, I will shut up now lol. I'm soaring on cloud nine right now and hoping to spread my positivity to you. I know I'm only on day 4, but looking back, I see my recovery has been brewing for months now. And I'm seizing every opportunity to ensure my success.

Stay strong my brothers!

Sir Ender
 

BlueHeronFan

Respected Member
Ender said:
Day 4

The past 24 hours have been phenomenal! I don't know where to begin. My first victory I want to share was this morning when I woke up. I was really aroused and had morning wood that wouldn't go away. My urge to just MO it away was strong. I spent an hour pulling my sexual energy away from my genitals. This is one of the most useful tools I've learned from Tantra, the ability to transmute sexual energy. I pulled my morning horniness up into my brain and redirected that into healing energy. It took a awhile, but I managed and felt so much better for it. I get the feeling i will be leaning on this technique heavily over the next few weeks.

I had another big victory as well. Before I started this reboot, I ordered several sex toys. I tried to cancel the order when I started rebooting, but it was too late, they were already shipped. To make things worse, one of the toys was sent to me by a company who sends me their new toys to test and publish an honest review of them. I've been really dreading their arrival not just because of the potential temptation but with the added obligation to test the one out. But gentlemen, I stayed strong and true to myself. I threw that shit straight in the trash. I even ended my relationship with the company so that they won't be sending me any more toys. Want to know what helped me face those temptations? You. You helped me win that battle. I knew that if I opened the box and played with those toys that I would have to post it right here. I would have to admit my defeat and start all over. I would have let you down and let myself down. Thank you so much for that.

Onto the best news yet. I ended up going to my Tantra group last night and I am beyond ecstatic that I did! For starters, these people are my ONLY social contact. At work, I can count my coworkers on one hand, and even then, we spend the whole night on our individual machines and barely interact. I have little to no contact with my family. And my only friends are very new, and all in my Tantra group. I see now that my reservations about going last night were my demons' attempt at isolating me from the support I needed. Not only is Tantra my sole social outlet, my Tantric practice has given me the weapons I need to fight back against this addiction.

Really encouraging victories! Definitely give yourself some room to enjoy these successes.

I don't know your whole history or path to recovery so far, but I really admire the way you're getting after it and not taking easy-to-justify half measures. Keep drawing those clear lines and refusing to cross them!

For some reason, the fact that you threw out your shipment without a second thought and terminated your relationship with that company is really awesome to me. I know in the past I always used to have a plan for my next relapse. I would have a list in my head of the words I would search for and the things I would look up. For the longest time, there was also a part of me that was afraid of all the "great porn" I would miss if I actually quit. Sometimes I would hear something about porn in the news and be like "I've never heard of that before, I have to check that out!" I'm happy to say that I no longer have a plan for my next relapse (I've made peace with the possibility of "missing out), but it was a long time coming.

I guess what I'm saying is this: I'm really inspired and glad to hear that you stayed true to your commitment and didn't let a fear of missing out trip you up. Stay committed, stay strong, and stay connected to the people who support you! You got this!
 

Kraken

Well-Known Member
Great work dude!  I bet as you reach a week or two into the reboot you'll find new energy to go out and find new social groups!  Try volunteering, it worked for me
 

Ender

Member
BlueHeronFan said:
For some reason, the fact that you threw out your shipment without a second thought and terminated your relationship with that company is really awesome to me. I know in the past I always used to have a plan for my next relapse. I would have a list in my head of the words I would search for and the things I would look up. For the longest time, there was also a part of me that was afraid of all the "great porn" I would miss if I actually quit. Sometimes I would hear something about porn in the news and be like "I've never heard of that before, I have to check that out!" I'm happy to say that I no longer have a plan for my next relapse (I've made peace with the possibility of "missing out), but it was a long time coming.

I guess what I'm saying is this: I'm really inspired and glad to hear that you stayed true to your commitment and didn't let a fear of missing out trip you up. Stay committed, stay strong, and stay connected to the people who support you! You got this!

Thank you. And I get exactly what you mean about "missing out". My addiction has been telling me about all the toys and videos I'm missing out on but I'm trying not to listen. Also, you brought up such an amazing point about "planning for a relapse". I think this is exactly why I've made up every excuse to not throw out the rest of my toy collection. When I threw away my dolls and their stuff, I literally threw away thousands of dollars (I'm still too ashamed to admit how much I wasted on them). But I think it's time for me to part ways with the ones I kept. They are all packed up in my closet, untouched. But I'm seeing now that I left them there as a future relapse. I've already thought to myself multiple times "man, these toys are going to be awesome to play with once the porn addiction wears off". But I'm starting to see that I'm not that into them without the porn. Hell, I probably never was into them if it weren't for the porn induced fetishes. The only sex toy I'm interested in playing with now is the human body, and mine needs some time to rest and reboot before that can happen.
 

Ender

Member
Day 5

Today was okay. I had a dream about one of my dolls. There were several invitations to have sex with her, but I resisted them all. I'm proud of myself for being strong in my dreams. Although, with how disgusted I am at owning them in the first place, it's not really that big of a win. Plus, the rest of my dreams are all video games oriented. Like I'm inside of a video game or something. I even had a meditation that turned into a very vivid fantasy of me inside a game. I guess these things are to be expected as my addicted brains comes undone.

I've definitely noticed a lack in motivation to do anything productive. I caught up on some sleep and did some light chores. I also did my daily Tantra practice, but not much else. Finished reading one of my favorite books this afternoon and balled my eyes out at the end. I'm beginning to notice I have this massive well of pent up emotions stored inside me and it doesn't take much, a good book or just the right song, to bring those emotions to the surface.

I really want to be sexual with myself and with others and it kills me to see how badly damaged that area of myself has become through porn abuse. I know that good times are waiting around the corner and that I have to clear the foundation before I can be sexual again. But I want that now. I'm trying to be patient but I'm just so angry at myself for falling into this trap. One of the important things Tantra has taught me is that everything happens to us in order to teach us something. And right now, porn is helping me to realize just how important and sacred sex is supposed to be. Often, we humans have to learn the wrong way of doing things before we embrace the right way. And I'm so ready for the right way. I know, I'm barely a week in and need to be patient. I've done extensive damage to my body and brain through addiction, and that's not going to clear up over night. I need to remember the promise of a better life, filled with better sex, as a guiding light during these dark times.

Keep at it gentlemen,

Sir Ender
 

BlueHeronFan

Respected Member
Ender said:
I've definitely noticed a lack in motivation to do anything productive. I caught up on some sleep and did some light chores. I also did my daily Tantra practice, but not much else. Finished reading one of my favorite books this afternoon and balled my eyes out at the end. I'm beginning to notice I have this massive well of pent up emotions stored inside me and it doesn't take much, a good book or just the right song, to bring those emotions to the surface.

I know, I'm barely a week in and need to be patient. I've done extensive damage to my body and brain through addiction, and that's not going to clear up over night. I need to remember the promise of a better life, filled with better sex, as a guiding light during these dark times.

Two important insights, for sure. It's okay if you have a less productive day. Sometimes I just don't have it in me to do everything that I plan on doing. One of the unexpected side effects of this recovery process for me (especially recently) has been learning to be more gentle with myself and give myself space to rest and recuperate. I used to just push through anything, sometimes pretending I wasn't in the middle of huge, paralyzing urges, just in order to "get things done." More recently, though, I have started learning that it is much more important to take care of myself than it is to get things done.

And you're exactly right. This is something that takes time. Even if we're doing everything right and staying right on track, healing takes time. I have well over a decade of addictive behavior burned into my brain. Why should I expect it all to switch off because I have made some big changes for a few months. It's all about finding what is sustainable and learning to live life as a recovering addict, not trying to "go back" to some kind of imagined life that we had pre-addiction.

Keep at it, man!
 
L

Lero

Guest
BlueHeronFan said:
Two important insights, for sure. It's okay if you have a less productive day. Sometimes I just don't have it in me to do everything that I plan on doing. One of the unexpected side effects of this recovery process for me (especially recently) has been learning to be more gentle with myself and give myself space to rest and recuperate. I used to just push through anything, sometimes pretending I wasn't in the middle of huge, paralyzing urges, just in order to "get things done." More recently, though, I have started learning that it is much more important to take care of myself than it is to get things done.

That's what William used to say too. Porn recovery is hard enough in itself and maybe, sometimes, it doesn't really leave room for other things to be done. But things should go better once you don't have to fight urges anymore (I wonder which day it will be for me).

 
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