I
IAdmitItIHaveAProblem
Guest
Day 1: Here we go!
Hello! I'm 23; I come from a divided household. My mother cheated on my father and left the family (ruining the other cheaters' family in the process) in response to his emotional infidelity. This is relevant because my first exposure to hardcore pornography was when I was roughly eight years old. It was on our old computer because my father has homosexual tendencies and he had been downloading extremely explicit, gay material. I deleted the porn because, at the time, I thought I somehow accidentally got a virus on our computer from downloading an online game. Consequently, I went years believing that I was the one who corrupted our PC.
I didn't actively seek out or watch pornography until a couple years after that, though. I was probably somewhere around 14 when it started to rear its ugly head. It started out with graphically explicit games on my laptop and moved up from there. Some of my earliest memories are of my grandfather touching me inappropriately, but I'm not sure how much this has contributed to my current situation. It doesn't consciously affect me, anyway. But who knows? People say I'm eccentric; maybe this addiction is partially a byproduct of my upbringing, not that I'm using it as an excuse or as a deflection tool. I still hold myself accountable because at the end of the day, it has ultimately been my choice to use.
Regardless of all that, I've felt myself slipping recently. I typically go six months at a time without viewing explicit material (written, pictures or otherwise). Recently, though, I've been very depressed because of my desire for companionship. I've never believed in sex before marriage because that's what the Bible teaches, so my mind has betrayed me in a sort of oxymoronic paradox. This is a problem because anytime I see romantic relationships, I explode into a violent rage on the inside - not necessarily because of envy or on reflection of my immediate family situation - I think it's important that I emphasize that I hate the concept of marriage and everything associated with it. I don't like feeling abandoned by my friends once they're married (who does?) etc. etc.
But! I try to conform myself as closely as I possibly can to what's right, not what I personally think is right.
I generally fill my time productively! I'm learning Japanese and how to play piano. I learned some flamenco guitar. I pray, study, write (a lot of personal writing, poetry, stories, everything) and exercise. Other than these, I fill my time with the usual quasi-useful common activities such as browsing Youtube, playing video games, and learning generally useless things. These are also how I ease my anxiety/quell my stresses.
I have a lot of little triggers, again the usual things, so I try not to stay on the computer for too long. My most pronounced trigger probably has to do with my perceived lack of intimacy. Some of my peers have already found a marriage partner - but I've just been static for what feels like my whole life. I'm a fast learner, but slow to progress.
And I know it's all common issue for someone my age--this feeling of being frozen in place. I have a job so that I can pay rent to my single father, I volunteer, and as stated before, I endeavor to better myself as an individual, but it's never enough.
So, this is me trying to jump a hurdle that has been a thorn in my side, burrowing under my flesh for many years. I've tried to quit before, but you know the story.
As of today, I'm mostly clean, though, I had a bit of a slip-up because I read part of a romance novel - which is what prompted me to officially post on Reboot Nation. Didn't M or O to it.
Final thing to note: I don't have any known physical problems from my past usage. I'm preventing that from ever happening.
I'm extremely thankful for this website, for knowing there are many other people going through something similar, and for all of the help and support I've received - and am going to receive - from everyone who has extended an olive branch to me, whether out of obligation, or a willing spirit.
Hello! I'm 23; I come from a divided household. My mother cheated on my father and left the family (ruining the other cheaters' family in the process) in response to his emotional infidelity. This is relevant because my first exposure to hardcore pornography was when I was roughly eight years old. It was on our old computer because my father has homosexual tendencies and he had been downloading extremely explicit, gay material. I deleted the porn because, at the time, I thought I somehow accidentally got a virus on our computer from downloading an online game. Consequently, I went years believing that I was the one who corrupted our PC.
I didn't actively seek out or watch pornography until a couple years after that, though. I was probably somewhere around 14 when it started to rear its ugly head. It started out with graphically explicit games on my laptop and moved up from there. Some of my earliest memories are of my grandfather touching me inappropriately, but I'm not sure how much this has contributed to my current situation. It doesn't consciously affect me, anyway. But who knows? People say I'm eccentric; maybe this addiction is partially a byproduct of my upbringing, not that I'm using it as an excuse or as a deflection tool. I still hold myself accountable because at the end of the day, it has ultimately been my choice to use.
Regardless of all that, I've felt myself slipping recently. I typically go six months at a time without viewing explicit material (written, pictures or otherwise). Recently, though, I've been very depressed because of my desire for companionship. I've never believed in sex before marriage because that's what the Bible teaches, so my mind has betrayed me in a sort of oxymoronic paradox. This is a problem because anytime I see romantic relationships, I explode into a violent rage on the inside - not necessarily because of envy or on reflection of my immediate family situation - I think it's important that I emphasize that I hate the concept of marriage and everything associated with it. I don't like feeling abandoned by my friends once they're married (who does?) etc. etc.
But! I try to conform myself as closely as I possibly can to what's right, not what I personally think is right.
I generally fill my time productively! I'm learning Japanese and how to play piano. I learned some flamenco guitar. I pray, study, write (a lot of personal writing, poetry, stories, everything) and exercise. Other than these, I fill my time with the usual quasi-useful common activities such as browsing Youtube, playing video games, and learning generally useless things. These are also how I ease my anxiety/quell my stresses.
I have a lot of little triggers, again the usual things, so I try not to stay on the computer for too long. My most pronounced trigger probably has to do with my perceived lack of intimacy. Some of my peers have already found a marriage partner - but I've just been static for what feels like my whole life. I'm a fast learner, but slow to progress.
And I know it's all common issue for someone my age--this feeling of being frozen in place. I have a job so that I can pay rent to my single father, I volunteer, and as stated before, I endeavor to better myself as an individual, but it's never enough.
So, this is me trying to jump a hurdle that has been a thorn in my side, burrowing under my flesh for many years. I've tried to quit before, but you know the story.
As of today, I'm mostly clean, though, I had a bit of a slip-up because I read part of a romance novel - which is what prompted me to officially post on Reboot Nation. Didn't M or O to it.
Final thing to note: I don't have any known physical problems from my past usage. I'm preventing that from ever happening.
I'm extremely thankful for this website, for knowing there are many other people going through something similar, and for all of the help and support I've received - and am going to receive - from everyone who has extended an olive branch to me, whether out of obligation, or a willing spirit.