My nofap journey (journal)

Blu88

Active Member
Hello to everybody.

This is my first post in this forum and I wanto to use it both for introducing myself and as the beginning of my journal.

I'm a 27-years old boy from Europe. I have recentlly completed all my studies and now I'm looking for job. I don't have a girlfriend (I'm going to deepen this subject) and I have some friends, although I am not satisfied from my social life.

I am addicted to porn!
Why? Because it's since november 2012 that I'm trying to stop the pmo habit, without acheiving the goal of making a full rebooting process. I'll explain better below how and when I started PMOing, how it affected me, how and when I discovered it is harmful and what I did to stop this habit.

1) How and when I started PMOing
My first contact with pornography was more or less 15 years ago, when I was 12 (in 2000). I found by accident a CD in the shelf. My dad must have put it there. I was curious and I played it. There was a 7-8 videos of an italian porn actress. Those videos hooked me immediantly. I masturbated in them several times per day.
After some monthes I found out peer to peer websites, from which I began to download new porn videos. I collected a lot of them and was renaming and storing those files.
I came to the age of 15 masturbating in porn 5 days per weeks, most of them more than once per day. In the weekends, or during holydays, sometimes I used to pmo 5 times in a day (my record, which I don't wanto to break), specially on Sundays.
At the age of 20 my dad gifted me an iPhone. PMOing using it turned out to be by far more confortable than a pc. After some time I found out an application which allowed me to download on it videos from porn tubesite. It became my new passion! I kept collecting porn videos I was downloading. I loved (and I still do, although I ma struggling for avoiding it) to browse the porn tube sites, to look for a porno video which turns me on, to ejaculated watching on a screen showing me those sexual contents.
Yeah, I loved all that process and it would have been great if I didn't find out what it was causing to me, to my brain and to my life.

2) How PMO affected me
I had more sympthoms I couldn't explain.
I had very low success with women, even thought I have always been an athletic and good looking guy. I was shy. I didn't have any motivation in getting one (why should I? I was accustomed to watch hotter girla in a screen and get satisfied by them!). I had a very low energy and women could feel that, so they avoided me.
I lost verginity at the age of 20 (it was in June 2008). And try to guess? I didn't cum. I couldn't ejaculated. I didn't know it at that time, but now I know that it was because a real woman couldn't turn me on since my brain was used to the superstimuli porn videos were giving me! The first time I ejaculated during sex was at the age of 22 (in febbruary 2010). It was with the girl who became my girlfriend for 2 years and half. Ti was the forth girl I had sex with. Before her I had sex several time with others, but I couldn't cum. So until the age of 22 I was unable to ejaculate by having sex with real women.
From the age of 22 on I had delajed ejaculation! Usually I could have sex for 1-2 hours without cumming. And if I masturbated - for example - the day before, sex wasn't neither that satisfying. I remember two episodes that now scares me. One time my ex girlfriend wanted me to do it quicklier, so I asked her to watch porn on my iPhone while having sex; I did it, and I cummed almost immediantly, turned up to it, rather than to her. Another time, with another girl we had sex from 9 to 12 am; I couldn't cum; then she want in the bathroom and I watched a porn video on my iPhone: in less than one minute I orgasmed! I definitly suffered delajed ejaculation!
I had low motivation in doing everything. I was easly giving up whatever I was doing. Even at school I was doing the minimal required, although I've always been good at it.
I had severe social anxiety. I didn't want to be outside alone. I was scared to go in places where people saw me alone. I didn't want people saw me. I feared to talk to some persons. All of these brought me to have a poor social life. I found out later that this was one of pmo habit's outcome.
I couldn't concentrate. When people arte talking to me I tend to think about other businesses. When I read something I was thinking about something else. I discovered later what was brain fog and that I was suffering it.
I was also looking for more weird or extreme porn, such as watching own wife having sex, public pickups, mothers and, finally, violence on women. It scared me that I came to be turned on something like that.
Luckly I've never had ED.
Just to sum up, and in case something else comes up in my mind, PMO caused to me:
- low success with women,
- inability to cum during sex until the age of 22,
- delajed ejaculation since I am 22,
- no motivation in anything and low energy,
- social anxiety,
- brain fog,
- more extreme and curious porno videos searching.

3) How and when I discovered PMO is harmful
In november 2012, my friend told me about nofap reddit. It is a community of people trying to recover from pmo addiction. I began to read topics of people telling about their stories and people who recovered. I cried on what I found out. I cried in getting aware that several problems in my life arise from pmo! I was shocked and I promised myself that I would have done something to help it.

4) What I do to stop PMOing
Since november 2012 I did a lot of things to break that cursed habit.
Firstly I read a lot of posts on nofap reddit. I tried to catch as much as possible from others' esperience, others' stories and others' reports.
I had some good streaks, but not more than 30-35 days without PMOing. Anyway, in most periods I was regularly PMOing.
In march 2014 I deleted all my stored porn videos. I deleted everything I collected in 13 years: something like 180 Gigabyte of porn videos!
Still in march 2014 I absteined from pmo (easy mode, since I had a girl I had sex with) for 113 days! In july I relapsed due to a porn scene in a random (not porno) video I was watching. Since than I was PMOing regularly watching porn tubesites.
Around febbruary-march 2015 I had behaviors and feelings that I didn't like. This time I knew that pmo was the cause, so I took some drastic decisions. I bought a 15 years old mobile phone on internet, a phone that couldn't go on internet and on which I couldn't fap; I was using the iPhone only to check stuff I could have checked only by there and anyway not more than 30 mins per day! Then I bought a book, "your brain on porn"; its author is the creator of the website with the same name. I read this book twice, so I got very educated about pornography addiction and demotivated for PMOing. I had also begun a journal, but I constantly wrote on it only for two monthes and half.
Thank to these precautions I had a 60 days streak in easy mode and 73 days streak in hard mode! The relapse to this last streak was painful, because I was sure I would never pmo again, and I did even though I was out and without a smartphone (in fact I ran back home and fapped on pc after years I was doing it only on the iPhone).
Since then (august 2015) I was fapping regularly again, with the excuse I had an exam that stressed me so much that I couldn't help it and I couldn't do anything because I would have lost too much precious time I needed for studying.
As I passed that exam, in november 2015 I resolved again that I will not fap anymore in my life. So I had a 28 days stral from the 2nd to the 29th of november. A week before relapsing, I got a new iPhone. From the 30th of november to the 6th of december I had another 7 days streak. And my last relapse was on su day, the 6th of december 2015 at 23:59. Monday the 7th of december 2015 is my day 1, and it must be the first of a nofap streak that will go on for the rest of my life!

I came to this website after watching Gabe's interview on the YouTube channel "rebootnation". I hope to find here resources which will help me to stop PMOing forever!

Today is sunday the 13th of december 2015. It's my 7th day without PMOing.

I am clean for 6 days. Today is day 7!
 
Hi Thank you for your post. There are a lot of us out here who have stopped and started this addiction. We learn to realize how it affects our life. I have had some long success with streaks of quitting but nothing ever took for lasting change. I am on the right track now and I am driven to be successful at all costs. If you want to talk just message me or post. Talking to others helps. This forum helps a lot. Keep up the good work.
 

Blu88

Active Member
Day 13

I don't feel good due to a cold. Yet, I didn't have any urge today. I didn't have any urge even when my friend showed me a website of beautiful women offering sex. It usually triggers me so much... Is it possible that I'm already on flatline? I was expecting it will have taken more time, but in case I think it's better beign on flatline in this holydays' period when I don't have much to do.
I had headache. Even now I have it. From next week I'm going to keep track of it, since it's one if the most important achievments I'm aiming for!
 

Blu88

Active Member
Day 14

Also today I didn't have any urge at all!
I had severe headache after lunch, but it passed when I woke up from a two hours long sleep.
I had an avarage mood.
My motivation and energy are not at a high level.

I am glad that this nofap streak is weirdly going so easy, although I am scared to relapse in the future, when strong urges will show up (and I know by experience that they will!)!
 
I

ironman2015

Guest
yeah, they will show up soon after 3rd week.
but don't be scared from them.
Just try to stretch as much as possible.

keep extending the amount of time without PMO.
 

Blu88

Active Member
Day 15

Another avarage day! Just one big new: I had (low) urges, sexual fantasies and porn videos' flashbacks. I know the days might swing between flatlines and urges, so that I'm prepared!
 

Blu88

Active Member
Day 16

Another not easy day. Had urges, porn flashbacks and sexual fantasies. In addiction, I had a sexy dream.
I didn't relapse. I haven't given a chance for it.
I didn't have headache for the whole day. Not at all.
My mood is fine, although I found myself quite irascible. I think it's part of the process, nothing to be worried about.
I'm more worried about those strong urges which suddenly catches me, which makes me find excuses to fap, which allow the instintive part of my brain to prevail the rational one. Those urges will show up soon and I must be ready to face them!
 

Blu88

Active Member
Day 17

This afternoon I had really strong urges. I also began to look for excuses to fap. Good that I didn't fall into that pitfall... At 5pm I went out of home and the urges faded. Now it looks like I'm fine!
I had bad thoughts. I know depression is a withdrawal sympthom, and that it is what I blamed. Anyway I shouldn't ignore the pessimism which overwhelmed me. I felt negative thinking about the future and anxiety spreaded across me. I think it was my brain's try to get me back on my addiction: pmo!
I didn't have headache.
I'm still in this streak and tomorrow will show another challenge
 
C

clearstar

Guest
hey, that's great!! you still going and beat your urges.

good job man you can beat challenge today again
 

Blu88

Active Member
Day 18

Today is the 24th of december. It came up to be a really weird day for nofap. I had everything of that several nofappers call "mood swings".
In the morning I felt motivated, I had a lot of ideas about what to do in the next days. For example, I began to read the russian alphabet with the intention of learning it.
Just before lunch I met a few friends and didn't like the time with them (I meet them once per year, so there's not many common topic to talk about). I got iritated when my friend made a joke about me. I know it was not done with bad intention, but I shall assume that I got iritated and it was probably due to rebooting process.
After dinner I had headache, which now got stronger!
Today I didn't have any urge. Also this is weird: I had two days without urges, then two days with urges and today no urges at all. It's good that I'm keeping track of it and never and ever must I put down my guard!

Tomorrow it's Christmast! I wish you a merry Christmast to all of you!
 

Blu88

Active Member
clearstar said:
hey, that's great!! you still going and beat your urges.

good job man you can beat challenge today again

Thank you. Comments like these help to raise up the motivation!
 
I

ironman2015

Guest
no urges, that's great.
get well soon for your headaches.
best of luck.
 

Blu88

Active Member
Day 19

It's Christmast! It was another urgeless day! Another easy day.
I had mild headache for almost the whole time.
I can't say I feel good or super motivated... Nothing special in my mood. Nothing interesting to report you! That's all! Let's see how it goes tomorrow
 

Blu88

Active Member
Day 20

It's not the end of the day, but there's already too many things to report.
First of all, last night I had a wet dream. At least I decided it was a wet dream rather than a relapse. I had a sexual dream and, on prone position on my bed, I began to pressure my penis up and down the matress. I was half asleeped. I remember I also thought "I'm not going to cum"... One second later I kept doing it and I cummed! It was 7 am. I spent 2 hours thinking if I relapsed or if it was a wet dream. I came up with the convintion it was a wet dream, mainly because I was not conscious. I began to be conscious when I woke up after cumming. Also, I didn't have any chaser effect. Experience taught me that when I relapse one day, after few hours I have a compelling urge to fap again: it didn't happen today. It didn't happen because I didn't masturbate, I didn't chooose couscionsly to cum. It happened in the dream and, as after every wet dream happens, I didn't have urges today. Therefore I an not going to reset my counter!

Today I'm irascible. It makes me upset everything others tell me. Happened twice today that I had to face a situation in which I should not get upset and reply, instead of not saying anything. Never mind, I know for the future! It's also good I didn't have bad reactions, since it would not positivly affect anything!

This afternoon I tried to say to some friends that porn is harmful. Only that and only how it's developing awarness about this topic. They reacted like if I was saying bullshit, impossible and unbelieveble bullshit. One of them made fun of it, although he admitted he pmos at least once per day and he needs viagra for having a boner. I think how porn is harmful is a topic I should not talk about to random people. It's the second time I talk about it and my interlocutor doesn't understand or doesn't get the point. And probably if I came up to find out about how porn affects our brain by someone else who briefly told me that, then I wouldn't believe it too. I read a lot about this topic, more than these people read in their whole life. That's why there is no point in blaming it for something like that. If I wanted someone's approvation for this journey, it would have ment I didn't understand nofap' said from the beginning.

I had some mild headaches in only few moments of the day. But I'm fine! If every days I felt like now with my headache, I would be happy.
 
M

mtaha2015

Guest
YEAH Don't talk this to average stupid random people.
people usually take it very negatively also.

if you tell someone that you are porn addict, he will see you as if you are a son of Lucifer.
for them getting as# fuc##d is nothing, but being porn addict is too bad.

random people are like that.

only few individual take actions against compulsive disorders of porn and sex.
 

Blu88

Active Member
mtaha2015 said:
YEAH Don't talk this to average stupid random people.
people usually take it very negatively also.

if you tell someone that you are porn addict, he will see you as if you are a son of Lucifer.
for them getting as# fuc##d is nothing, but being porn addict is too bad.

random people are like that.

only few individual take actions against compulsive disorders of porn and sex.

I didn't tell them I'm porn addict. I just told I stopped watching porn because reading internet forums and websites I found out about the science behind porn addiction.
Claiming "I'm porn addicted" would have been worse for sure and by now I decided I'm not going to talk about this to anybody who I suspect cannot understand!
 

Blu88

Active Member
Day 21

This morning I woke up late!
In the afternoon I went out with some friends. I had a really good time.
I still feel irascible. On a Facebook chat in which I am part of, some friends made a fun joke on me and I feel grudge about it. I know they are doing it by joke; I know them and they are not arrogant or bully persons; they also respect me, but still it bothers me. I just didn't reply and I want to assume that it's a mood swing, a withdrawal sympthom.
I didn't have headache and urges for the whole day until one hour ago.
One hour ago I started to think "it's sunday, I can fap last time in 2015! I will fap last time at 23:59 and monday the 28th of december at 0:00 will be my day one! In any case I've already fapped in december, so I would not anyway be full month clean, so I can just do it and start again in january! Also, yesterday I had that wet dream that could have been a relapse, so why don't eliminate the doubt by just resetting the day counting?". This is what I am still thinking. Writing it helps me to get aware that it's ridiculous! Relapsing today doesn't only mean restarting to count days; it would mean be still inside the addiction; it would mean give up at the first difficulty; it would mean that my reboot still has to start; it would mean that I'll recover later. That's why I'm not relapsing. Not today and never ever in my life.
Along with this urge, it came a strong headache. This must be another withdrawal sympthom!

I know myself: after this kind of urges I usually relapse after a few days. That's why I'm going to higher up my guard and be more careful, at least tomorrow and the day after tomorrow!
 
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