Hi all, 42 years old, happily married for 18 years, no kids (by choice).
I would say my infatuation with P started when I was about 4-5 years old. Nothing weird or crazy, I was a later in life child for my parents and I had two much older brothers. Being the snoopy kid brother that I was I discovered their stashes of dirty magazines and was instantly obsessed. I took every opportunity from that moment forward to sneak into their rooms and look at the magazines until I got caught by our mother. Of course they were the ones who got in trouble for having those kind of magazines in the house. The magazines went into the trash, but from that moment forward I was on the look out for P. I can still remember some of the images and layouts in those old magazines, that's how strongly it seared into my young brain. Throughout my childhood I would encounter other P mags here in there with my little friends, but the next big step in my evolution was when I was 12 years old and my best friend came up with a hardcore VHS tape. It was just a compilation of old scenes, but once again my brain lit up like a Christmas Tree. I either wanted to spend the night at his house or have him spend the night at mine every weekend after that so I could watch the tape. I was so obsessed with it that he ended up just giving it to me. This was also right around puberty and when my PMO started. Can't really remember what happened to that old tape, but next big move was discovering an adult bookstore right on the border of a neighboring state that sold hardcore material, the state I lived in prohibited hardcore sales. It was about a three hour drive, but after discovering it I made several trips there by myself to buy tapes and eventually DVDs. Then came the big one, the internet. I lived out in the middle of nowhere, but we could still get online with a dial up connection, which of course opened up a whole new world of online content, mainly just image galleries, but still hardcore and anything you wanted to see. Luckily I also started dating my now wife at about the same time, and started having sex on a regular basis. One thing that does stand out to me now is how the first time she gave me oral I didn't O, which is crazy for a virgin, and really a testament to how I was already experiencing DE. I didn't really think much about it at the time, I think I must have already been conditioned to not view oral as a singular act, it was just part of foreplay leading up to sex as it is often depicted in P. At any rate, receiving oral and then going home to M to achieve O shouldn't be normal for a virgin. We started having sex not too long after that and while I never had trouble with O during sex it did take longer than it should have. I just chalked it up to being a stud, but really it was just DE.
We ultimately get married and have a pretty normal sex life, but I continue to supplement it with PMO. At this point I still had a stash of DVD and we had the dial up internet. Things were pretty normal, but I was Oing virtually everyday. Then it happened, we got high speed internet, and I became a full blown addict. To make things worse my wife was in nursing school which occupied a lot of her time, and I worked a schedule that gave me every other Monday off. So when she was off at school, studying, or really anytime I was home alone it was on. That Monday off could easily be completely wasted sitting in front of the computer PMOing. At some point during this time I also started going dry, which was of course a horribly thing to do. It was at some point after that I experienced my first taste of PIED. Nothing major, just a little less firm in certain positions and my DE got ridiculous. It become the norm for us to have sex, she would O, we would go for a while longer while I tried to get there, there we would often just finish me off with M. It wasn't long after that I had my first run at leaving P behind. I sat my wife down explained to her what was going on and what I needed to do, she was super supportive and I got away from it for a while. This was about five years ago.
Fast forward a couple of years. After that initial break from P and pretty much getting our sex life back to it's old normal we moved to a new house in a different town, with true high speed internet. Previously we had been using a satellite internet, which is much faster than dial up, but had limited data and paled in comparison to true high speed internet. The temptation was just too great, I had to experience true high speed P, and boy did I. I even ended up getting a subscription to a group of websites that allowed you to download all of their videos. I would spend hours downloading videos and PMOing. The PMO sessions got ridiculously long, which only worsened my DE. At some point in this period I realized things were getting out of control and decided it was time to walk away again, which I did for a while, but I didn't ditch all the downloaded content I had on an external hard drive. In my mind that would be crazy, I had spent so much time downloading it, I'll just put it away. That actually worked for a while and things kind of went back to normal.
My next big downfall was better smart phones. I got to where I was never watching P on my computer, but I had started to visit P tubes on my phone every once in a while. It wasn't long before I was PMOing almost every morning before work. My wife would get in the shower and getting ready for work and I would PMO until it was my time to hit the shower. That pretty much leads up until now. However, recently I found myself in the old trap of downloading P to that external hard drive. The pandemic hit I started working from home and those first two weeks I literally spent all damn day downloading P and PMOing of course. Then it happened, went to have sex the wife and PIED showed up. I was able to finish, but she took notice because this was outside of the norm for me. I said right then and there, I'm done with this.
Which leads up to now. About two weeks ago (the day after the PIED experience) I decided no more P, I'm done. I deleted my browser history, deleted any book marks, unfollowed a ton of various social media accounts, and most importantly deleted everything on that damn external hard drive, which btw apparently contained almost 7k scenes! I know it's largely symbolic, because all of that content is just a click of the mouse or tap of the screen away, but there was a time where I would not have had the will power to do it. So far almost two weeks in I've viewed zero P or really had that much of an urge to do so. I also came clean with my wife, AGAIN. Luckily for me she is super supportive and we have a great relationship. I warned her that the next few months were probably going to have a lot of subpar sex and weak erections. She just laughed and said that's fine, we'll figure it out. Sure enough, had sex last night and had a much more difficult time getting and maintaining an erection, and at one point it just flat out died! Luckily we were able to coax it back to life and both finish. Interestingly after we were done, we were laying there just holding each other and it came back up, so she started playing with it and I Oed again, which is super weird and never happens. But overall it was very subpar love making.
A few afterthoughts and other observations after reading many of the articles on here and many of the personal accounts:
I'm fortunate that my P taste never really escalated. Sure there are a few categories that I've always been a bit more drawn to, but luckily never anything too crazy.
Even though my wife and I have always had great marriage and relationship in general, one thing we would fight about a few times a year was the amount of sex we were having. We would always have sex at least once a week often times twice, but I always contended that I needed it every day. I chalked it up to myself having a high sex drive, I now understand that wasn't the case, I was just keeping my system in an overstimulated state with all the P. Now I feel bad for all those fights. One thing she mentioned when we were discussing me getting away from P was that she would be more willing to have more sex if it didn't last so long. So hopefully leaving the P behind will improve my DE.
I've seen others on here mention they almost felt as though their infatuation with P was altering their sexuality. While I never really felt that way, one thing I have taken notice of is how I gravitated to certain male P stars. Probably more so than the females. Sure I had a few favorite females, but I was really a fan of several male stars. I never felt attracted to them, I just enjoyed watching them work. There are a ton of male stars I could easily identify just by looking at their junk. In retrospect that's pretty weird.
In conclusion, I know there will be tough times ahead. Times when I will have the urge to view P and PMO. I know I'm probably going to have some PIED issues in the coming months. This isn't my first time to try to kick the habit, but I'm confident that it will be the last. I'm fully committed and my wife is on board and on the same page. I think this is really going to strengthen our relationship even more and lead to a overall better and more fulfilling sex life. Thanks for taking the time to read!
I would say my infatuation with P started when I was about 4-5 years old. Nothing weird or crazy, I was a later in life child for my parents and I had two much older brothers. Being the snoopy kid brother that I was I discovered their stashes of dirty magazines and was instantly obsessed. I took every opportunity from that moment forward to sneak into their rooms and look at the magazines until I got caught by our mother. Of course they were the ones who got in trouble for having those kind of magazines in the house. The magazines went into the trash, but from that moment forward I was on the look out for P. I can still remember some of the images and layouts in those old magazines, that's how strongly it seared into my young brain. Throughout my childhood I would encounter other P mags here in there with my little friends, but the next big step in my evolution was when I was 12 years old and my best friend came up with a hardcore VHS tape. It was just a compilation of old scenes, but once again my brain lit up like a Christmas Tree. I either wanted to spend the night at his house or have him spend the night at mine every weekend after that so I could watch the tape. I was so obsessed with it that he ended up just giving it to me. This was also right around puberty and when my PMO started. Can't really remember what happened to that old tape, but next big move was discovering an adult bookstore right on the border of a neighboring state that sold hardcore material, the state I lived in prohibited hardcore sales. It was about a three hour drive, but after discovering it I made several trips there by myself to buy tapes and eventually DVDs. Then came the big one, the internet. I lived out in the middle of nowhere, but we could still get online with a dial up connection, which of course opened up a whole new world of online content, mainly just image galleries, but still hardcore and anything you wanted to see. Luckily I also started dating my now wife at about the same time, and started having sex on a regular basis. One thing that does stand out to me now is how the first time she gave me oral I didn't O, which is crazy for a virgin, and really a testament to how I was already experiencing DE. I didn't really think much about it at the time, I think I must have already been conditioned to not view oral as a singular act, it was just part of foreplay leading up to sex as it is often depicted in P. At any rate, receiving oral and then going home to M to achieve O shouldn't be normal for a virgin. We started having sex not too long after that and while I never had trouble with O during sex it did take longer than it should have. I just chalked it up to being a stud, but really it was just DE.
We ultimately get married and have a pretty normal sex life, but I continue to supplement it with PMO. At this point I still had a stash of DVD and we had the dial up internet. Things were pretty normal, but I was Oing virtually everyday. Then it happened, we got high speed internet, and I became a full blown addict. To make things worse my wife was in nursing school which occupied a lot of her time, and I worked a schedule that gave me every other Monday off. So when she was off at school, studying, or really anytime I was home alone it was on. That Monday off could easily be completely wasted sitting in front of the computer PMOing. At some point during this time I also started going dry, which was of course a horribly thing to do. It was at some point after that I experienced my first taste of PIED. Nothing major, just a little less firm in certain positions and my DE got ridiculous. It become the norm for us to have sex, she would O, we would go for a while longer while I tried to get there, there we would often just finish me off with M. It wasn't long after that I had my first run at leaving P behind. I sat my wife down explained to her what was going on and what I needed to do, she was super supportive and I got away from it for a while. This was about five years ago.
Fast forward a couple of years. After that initial break from P and pretty much getting our sex life back to it's old normal we moved to a new house in a different town, with true high speed internet. Previously we had been using a satellite internet, which is much faster than dial up, but had limited data and paled in comparison to true high speed internet. The temptation was just too great, I had to experience true high speed P, and boy did I. I even ended up getting a subscription to a group of websites that allowed you to download all of their videos. I would spend hours downloading videos and PMOing. The PMO sessions got ridiculously long, which only worsened my DE. At some point in this period I realized things were getting out of control and decided it was time to walk away again, which I did for a while, but I didn't ditch all the downloaded content I had on an external hard drive. In my mind that would be crazy, I had spent so much time downloading it, I'll just put it away. That actually worked for a while and things kind of went back to normal.
My next big downfall was better smart phones. I got to where I was never watching P on my computer, but I had started to visit P tubes on my phone every once in a while. It wasn't long before I was PMOing almost every morning before work. My wife would get in the shower and getting ready for work and I would PMO until it was my time to hit the shower. That pretty much leads up until now. However, recently I found myself in the old trap of downloading P to that external hard drive. The pandemic hit I started working from home and those first two weeks I literally spent all damn day downloading P and PMOing of course. Then it happened, went to have sex the wife and PIED showed up. I was able to finish, but she took notice because this was outside of the norm for me. I said right then and there, I'm done with this.
Which leads up to now. About two weeks ago (the day after the PIED experience) I decided no more P, I'm done. I deleted my browser history, deleted any book marks, unfollowed a ton of various social media accounts, and most importantly deleted everything on that damn external hard drive, which btw apparently contained almost 7k scenes! I know it's largely symbolic, because all of that content is just a click of the mouse or tap of the screen away, but there was a time where I would not have had the will power to do it. So far almost two weeks in I've viewed zero P or really had that much of an urge to do so. I also came clean with my wife, AGAIN. Luckily for me she is super supportive and we have a great relationship. I warned her that the next few months were probably going to have a lot of subpar sex and weak erections. She just laughed and said that's fine, we'll figure it out. Sure enough, had sex last night and had a much more difficult time getting and maintaining an erection, and at one point it just flat out died! Luckily we were able to coax it back to life and both finish. Interestingly after we were done, we were laying there just holding each other and it came back up, so she started playing with it and I Oed again, which is super weird and never happens. But overall it was very subpar love making.
A few afterthoughts and other observations after reading many of the articles on here and many of the personal accounts:
I'm fortunate that my P taste never really escalated. Sure there are a few categories that I've always been a bit more drawn to, but luckily never anything too crazy.
Even though my wife and I have always had great marriage and relationship in general, one thing we would fight about a few times a year was the amount of sex we were having. We would always have sex at least once a week often times twice, but I always contended that I needed it every day. I chalked it up to myself having a high sex drive, I now understand that wasn't the case, I was just keeping my system in an overstimulated state with all the P. Now I feel bad for all those fights. One thing she mentioned when we were discussing me getting away from P was that she would be more willing to have more sex if it didn't last so long. So hopefully leaving the P behind will improve my DE.
I've seen others on here mention they almost felt as though their infatuation with P was altering their sexuality. While I never really felt that way, one thing I have taken notice of is how I gravitated to certain male P stars. Probably more so than the females. Sure I had a few favorite females, but I was really a fan of several male stars. I never felt attracted to them, I just enjoyed watching them work. There are a ton of male stars I could easily identify just by looking at their junk. In retrospect that's pretty weird.
In conclusion, I know there will be tough times ahead. Times when I will have the urge to view P and PMO. I know I'm probably going to have some PIED issues in the coming months. This isn't my first time to try to kick the habit, but I'm confident that it will be the last. I'm fully committed and my wife is on board and on the same page. I think this is really going to strengthen our relationship even more and lead to a overall better and more fulfilling sex life. Thanks for taking the time to read!
