I woke up this morning with a headache.......
- Thread starter RichardUK
- Start date
I am sorry if I do not write much at any one time - in fact, I was not going to write anything as I may not be as eloquent as others on here - but then I suppose it is not about that is it?
Maybe than write long posts I will keep it short? A little about me. I will be 49 in a few week's time. I have been married to a wonderful woman for this year 27 years and we have two teenage children. I am from England but for the past 13 years have lived overseas.
As I write it is nearly 11.30pm and have managed another day without PM....I still have a slight headache but a price worth paying. More tomorrow.
Maybe than write long posts I will keep it short? A little about me. I will be 49 in a few week's time. I have been married to a wonderful woman for this year 27 years and we have two teenage children. I am from England but for the past 13 years have lived overseas.
As I write it is nearly 11.30pm and have managed another day without PM....I still have a slight headache but a price worth paying. More tomorrow.
Into the morning of Day 3 and I feel desperate to M. In the night I found my mind fantasising about people I know and I think some images from porn I have watched also appeared out of nowhere.
My family are out of the house and usually, by now I would on the bed and watching porn or just lately chatting to people on the search for files to be sent to me of extreme stuff. It is seeing and experiencing just what now it takes to 'get me off' that has made me determined to stop - I am not that person - I am not like them. I am good, I am kind, I have a beautiful wife and family. I will not do this to them.
My family are out of the house and usually, by now I would on the bed and watching porn or just lately chatting to people on the search for files to be sent to me of extreme stuff. It is seeing and experiencing just what now it takes to 'get me off' that has made me determined to stop - I am not that person - I am not like them. I am good, I am kind, I have a beautiful wife and family. I will not do this to them.
The end then of another day without giving in to MP. My headache has still not gone away. I have had a few attempts before of giving it up but this is the first time that I have experienced physical side effects or withdrawal symptoms - I would be interested to know if anyone else has had this too? I think I am feeling this way as I have been on holiday from work from the past two weeks and have been spending practically all the daylight hours (while my wife has been at work) with MP and now I have suddenly stopped.
I have been enjoying the extra time that not being shackled to MP has given me. I have taken the dog out, read, listened to podcasts, caught up with sporting events I wanted to watch, been to the dentist and opticians - all things that I wouldn't have done if I was doing the MP. It is also a great relief not to worry when my wife wants to borrow my phone to play Candy Crush that she will find anything I have forgotten to properly close down or delete.
Off now to take some more paracetamol!
I have been enjoying the extra time that not being shackled to MP has given me. I have taken the dog out, read, listened to podcasts, caught up with sporting events I wanted to watch, been to the dentist and opticians - all things that I wouldn't have done if I was doing the MP. It is also a great relief not to worry when my wife wants to borrow my phone to play Candy Crush that she will find anything I have forgotten to properly close down or delete.
Off now to take some more paracetamol!
Sunday morning and I just had to jump on here and write something. I am so frustrated! Please forgive my ramblings and any triggers below.
It's difficult to write these things but if I am to get anything sexual with my wife it tends to be on a Saturday night - except on most occasions I end up disappointed and very frustrated!
Sadly my wife has had blood cancer twice, as you can you imagine it was a very difficult time for her, our two children -who were very young at the time - and myself. She would not be here today without the generosity of a then-unknown donor who provided his stell cells for a transplant 8 years ago. The intense chemo and radiotherapy took its toll and one of the consequences was the onset of an early menopause. Our sex lives had never been brilliant before then but now they are practically non-existent. She says she has no interest in it and will not let me do anything to 'please' her. Penetrative sex is too painful for her, so if a get anything it is either a quick handjob or if I am lucky I will get oral. However, it is all, sadly done as chore to keep me happy
My wife is such a kind, generous and caring person and a fantastic mother to our children. She teaches full time and is held in high regard by her students, parents and colleagues alike. She has total dedication to her job and this often leads to many late nights and much tiredness.
I do not like saying this but quite a lot of the reasons for my PA was due to lack of sex with my wife. Believe me, I would rather be having her sex with her rather than sex with my hand and pixels on my phone screen. I have never had problems with ED or PE.
There is one thing that I know makes things worse and that is I used to enjoy 'edging' to porn. I would watch porn for hours and hours and would M but would never O. I would save the 'O' until that magical day when my wife might 'give me' something. This constant building up but never releasing would of course have its consequences and I would feel very irritated and often angry around my wife and family.
I sometimes think it would have simply been better just to PMO and get it over with each day rather than waiting for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow each Saturday night.
Some men may have left my wife due to the lack of sex but I will not do this as I love her and my children too much. I suppose I am hoping for some sort of miracle that her sex drive might increase but in reality that is not going to happen. Should I therefore just go back to PMO - maybe it's easier than constantly feeling dejected and rejected each Sunday morning?
It's difficult to write these things but if I am to get anything sexual with my wife it tends to be on a Saturday night - except on most occasions I end up disappointed and very frustrated!
Sadly my wife has had blood cancer twice, as you can you imagine it was a very difficult time for her, our two children -who were very young at the time - and myself. She would not be here today without the generosity of a then-unknown donor who provided his stell cells for a transplant 8 years ago. The intense chemo and radiotherapy took its toll and one of the consequences was the onset of an early menopause. Our sex lives had never been brilliant before then but now they are practically non-existent. She says she has no interest in it and will not let me do anything to 'please' her. Penetrative sex is too painful for her, so if a get anything it is either a quick handjob or if I am lucky I will get oral. However, it is all, sadly done as chore to keep me happy
My wife is such a kind, generous and caring person and a fantastic mother to our children. She teaches full time and is held in high regard by her students, parents and colleagues alike. She has total dedication to her job and this often leads to many late nights and much tiredness.
I do not like saying this but quite a lot of the reasons for my PA was due to lack of sex with my wife. Believe me, I would rather be having her sex with her rather than sex with my hand and pixels on my phone screen. I have never had problems with ED or PE.
There is one thing that I know makes things worse and that is I used to enjoy 'edging' to porn. I would watch porn for hours and hours and would M but would never O. I would save the 'O' until that magical day when my wife might 'give me' something. This constant building up but never releasing would of course have its consequences and I would feel very irritated and often angry around my wife and family.
I sometimes think it would have simply been better just to PMO and get it over with each day rather than waiting for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow each Saturday night.
Some men may have left my wife due to the lack of sex but I will not do this as I love her and my children too much. I suppose I am hoping for some sort of miracle that her sex drive might increase but in reality that is not going to happen. Should I therefore just go back to PMO - maybe it's easier than constantly feeling dejected and rejected each Sunday morning?
J
J01
Guest
It wouldn't make sense to go back to PMO at this stage. Keep doing what you are doing for awhile and then make another determination after you have given it a fair shot. You are doing pretty decently already and you have a lot to fight for, including a jewel of a wife; you are blessed my friend. Keep going!
Thanks Jixu....yep I will try and keep going. Yes, you are right I am blessed with my wife and family and have a lot to fight for. The funny thing is my wife knows I watch porn - she has even talked about me watching it to my 18 year old daughter - much to my embarrassment. She says it is just something 'men need'! What a husband needs though is to have sex or with his wife, if that happened IMO I wouldn't need the p! If my porn tastes hadn't become so extreme maybe I wouldn't be here -it is that that has frightened me about myself.
joepanic
Respected Member
I agree with Jixu
Much is discussed on the topic of if ones wife is too blame for a man's porn use . It might be hard to explain but your porn use may be a symptom of an ailment of your wife.... Her inability to have sexy with you..... This is in no way blaming her but it is what it is. Like you say many men may have left her by now.. I have gone through periods in my marraige where my wife couldnt or rather wouldnt make time for us to hop in the sack. And yes indeed it was very frustrating. When we were 1st married she was into sex all the time as the years went by the frequency started to drop and I found myself frustrated over having to initiate and eventually feeling like I was pushing her into it even though she said I wasnt. I could never get an explanation why I always had to initiate. It almost felt like a power struggle or a control issue(funny how she has admitted to haveing control issues as well as many members of her family) It was during this time my porn use would escalate some. I will say things are better these days as I have spoken to her about other issues in our marraige/homelife ie our inability to be organized which would cause inefficiencies in time energy finances exc. It ws through these discussions that things began to change(basically told her I can do wiothout the sex but if we dont get things organized around here things would someday fall apart. For some reason things started to slowely change. As she changed I used it as an incentive to really push myself hard and things have never been better I know this was a bit of a rant. Perhaps but its just a bit of insight on my story and what had helped me greatly as well as our relationship
I suggest you continue moving forward Porn may have caused you to lose some of yourelf that your wife loved you for and you may regain those things and your wife may see that and things may change Tell yourself for the next several months that anything is possible in the future. You have nothing to lose.
cheers
Post often it helps me it helps you
Much is discussed on the topic of if ones wife is too blame for a man's porn use . It might be hard to explain but your porn use may be a symptom of an ailment of your wife.... Her inability to have sexy with you..... This is in no way blaming her but it is what it is. Like you say many men may have left her by now.. I have gone through periods in my marraige where my wife couldnt or rather wouldnt make time for us to hop in the sack. And yes indeed it was very frustrating. When we were 1st married she was into sex all the time as the years went by the frequency started to drop and I found myself frustrated over having to initiate and eventually feeling like I was pushing her into it even though she said I wasnt. I could never get an explanation why I always had to initiate. It almost felt like a power struggle or a control issue(funny how she has admitted to haveing control issues as well as many members of her family) It was during this time my porn use would escalate some. I will say things are better these days as I have spoken to her about other issues in our marraige/homelife ie our inability to be organized which would cause inefficiencies in time energy finances exc. It ws through these discussions that things began to change(basically told her I can do wiothout the sex but if we dont get things organized around here things would someday fall apart. For some reason things started to slowely change. As she changed I used it as an incentive to really push myself hard and things have never been better I know this was a bit of a rant. Perhaps but its just a bit of insight on my story and what had helped me greatly as well as our relationship
I suggest you continue moving forward Porn may have caused you to lose some of yourelf that your wife loved you for and you may regain those things and your wife may see that and things may change Tell yourself for the next several months that anything is possible in the future. You have nothing to lose.
cheers
Post often it helps me it helps you
Thanks Joe. Yes, I do not blame my wife she obviously couldn't help getting cancer! But I do think she could at least make a little more effort and prioritize some 'us' time more. As I have mentioned she is a teacher and because of COVID19 she is forced to do online teaching, as a result she is marking sent in work until 1-2 in the morning! Again perhaps not her fault but she seems to always choose that over spending time with me. Still I would normally use that time waiting for her to come to bed watching porn and edging but now I am replacing that with reading or looking at other stuff online.
Yes , I get the being more organised idea as with our jobs and family it is very difficult - yet even when we have time off or go on holiday with no pressures she still would rather not have sex
Ah well Day 6 PM free has begun.........
Yes , I get the being more organised idea as with our jobs and family it is very difficult - yet even when we have time off or go on holiday with no pressures she still would rather not have sex
Ah well Day 6 PM free has begun.........
At the end of Day 6 with no PM. Being back at work, of course, took temptation out of my way for most of the day. However, by now I would have normally got some edging in. My wife is out taking the dog for a walk and in the past I would now be in the bedroom doing you know what! Another little success to chalk up. Looking forward to completing my first porn free week tomorrow -it's not easy however but you know that.
J
J01
Guest
Awesome-well done! Hit that first week and keep moving on !
Hi Richard,
I sympathise with your situation entirely, and understand your predicament.
Whilst the cause of the situation I have been struggling with is different, the impact it had on me, and the way I was feeling is exactly the same.
During the last 5 years my wife has been struggling with bereavement following the passing of her mother, and more recently she has also started the menopause.
The bereavement kick started a period of depression and the menopause then caused a whole mixed bag of physical and mental struggles for both of us that still sporadically continue. I have recorded a recent example in my journal. Sex was out of the question.
My wife did end up going for counselling, which has helped enormously. Initially she went on her own, we then attended a couple of sessions together, and then I ended up going to some sessions on my own.
At a the time when I was feeling low, frustrated, and the Counsellor went through the options that were available to me. In hindsight I realise that the Counsellor's approach was very frank and stark, with the aim of encouraging me to work through the options, and to make the "sensible" choice.
I have included all the options below which might help find a solution?
Option 1 - Give Up on the Relationship
Unfortunately, as you mentioned, a lot of men would walk away from a similar situation, but this option is a lose / lose outcome. There would be no winners. To emphasise now, I do not advocate this option. It was only suggested to me for completeness, and you have already eliminated it
Option 2 - Do Nothing Different
This option is to simply to do nothing, wait, and hope that the situation improves.
I was frantically PMO'ing in response to the stress and the lack of intimacy, which led to a feeling of resentment towards my wife. I interpreted that her attitude was ?if she couldn't / didn't want sex, then why should I?"
Waiting and hoping for her to miraculously change was causing more stress ? more resentment ? more PMO'ing ? and so the vicious circle continued.
Option 3 - Look After My Own Wellbeing / Be Positive / Make a Change
Whilst waiting for a change, this options was all about me taking responsibility for my own wellbeing. It is also the option that stood the best chance of resulting in a change. Giving up porn, and feeling better for it, is helping me tremendously.
Whilst it was also humiliating when my wife preferred to do other things, instead of spending time with me, I had to accept that it was her prerogative.
Instead, the Counsellor suggested that I shared my feelings with my wife, so as to keep her in the loop, but to channel my energy and emotions into doing something that I wanted to do ? perhaps rekindle a previous interest, or start a new hobby?
The Counsellor emphasised that it wasn't about revenge, or being selfish. It was about me being assertive, and looking after my needs, whilst continuing to support my wife.
I had a "mid-life crisis" and started motorcycling again after a break of 20 years.
By looking after my own wellbeing, and getting on with my life, it became easier to cope with the situation I was in, and that in turn indirectly encouraged my wife to start facing upto her difficulties. She started to feel "left out" as life around her was moving on, whilst her life remained stationary. Surprisingly, my wife asked me if she ride pillion. It was a major turning point to improving our relationship. We started spending time together, initially not sexually ? but when intimacy did find it's way back into the relationship it didn't meet my expectations, and my porn addiction relapsed.
The intimacy wasn't like it was in the films I'd been watching ? it wasn't even like the sex we used to enjoy ? and I didn't adjust to the changing circumstances. Whilst penetrative sex was to ambitious at that time, the feeling of love, and that my wife wanted to please me as best as she could should have been sufficient for me.
My advice to you is to chose a hobby or interest to hold your focus while continuing your reboot, and that your wife could participate with you at a later date. Your wife won't be able to keep doing online teaching until the early hours of the morning forever, and if you could rekindle the fun you had when you first started dating ? one thing might lead to another?
I messed up my marriage, and I now appreciate that I am lucky that I still have a wife, and sincerely hope that someone else can learn from the mistakes I made.
Good Luck. I hope this helps.
I sympathise with your situation entirely, and understand your predicament.
Whilst the cause of the situation I have been struggling with is different, the impact it had on me, and the way I was feeling is exactly the same.
During the last 5 years my wife has been struggling with bereavement following the passing of her mother, and more recently she has also started the menopause.
The bereavement kick started a period of depression and the menopause then caused a whole mixed bag of physical and mental struggles for both of us that still sporadically continue. I have recorded a recent example in my journal. Sex was out of the question.
My wife did end up going for counselling, which has helped enormously. Initially she went on her own, we then attended a couple of sessions together, and then I ended up going to some sessions on my own.
At a the time when I was feeling low, frustrated, and the Counsellor went through the options that were available to me. In hindsight I realise that the Counsellor's approach was very frank and stark, with the aim of encouraging me to work through the options, and to make the "sensible" choice.
I have included all the options below which might help find a solution?
Option 1 - Give Up on the Relationship
Unfortunately, as you mentioned, a lot of men would walk away from a similar situation, but this option is a lose / lose outcome. There would be no winners. To emphasise now, I do not advocate this option. It was only suggested to me for completeness, and you have already eliminated it
Option 2 - Do Nothing Different
This option is to simply to do nothing, wait, and hope that the situation improves.
I was frantically PMO'ing in response to the stress and the lack of intimacy, which led to a feeling of resentment towards my wife. I interpreted that her attitude was ?if she couldn't / didn't want sex, then why should I?"
Waiting and hoping for her to miraculously change was causing more stress ? more resentment ? more PMO'ing ? and so the vicious circle continued.
Option 3 - Look After My Own Wellbeing / Be Positive / Make a Change
Whilst waiting for a change, this options was all about me taking responsibility for my own wellbeing. It is also the option that stood the best chance of resulting in a change. Giving up porn, and feeling better for it, is helping me tremendously.
Whilst it was also humiliating when my wife preferred to do other things, instead of spending time with me, I had to accept that it was her prerogative.
Instead, the Counsellor suggested that I shared my feelings with my wife, so as to keep her in the loop, but to channel my energy and emotions into doing something that I wanted to do ? perhaps rekindle a previous interest, or start a new hobby?
The Counsellor emphasised that it wasn't about revenge, or being selfish. It was about me being assertive, and looking after my needs, whilst continuing to support my wife.
I had a "mid-life crisis" and started motorcycling again after a break of 20 years.
By looking after my own wellbeing, and getting on with my life, it became easier to cope with the situation I was in, and that in turn indirectly encouraged my wife to start facing upto her difficulties. She started to feel "left out" as life around her was moving on, whilst her life remained stationary. Surprisingly, my wife asked me if she ride pillion. It was a major turning point to improving our relationship. We started spending time together, initially not sexually ? but when intimacy did find it's way back into the relationship it didn't meet my expectations, and my porn addiction relapsed.
The intimacy wasn't like it was in the films I'd been watching ? it wasn't even like the sex we used to enjoy ? and I didn't adjust to the changing circumstances. Whilst penetrative sex was to ambitious at that time, the feeling of love, and that my wife wanted to please me as best as she could should have been sufficient for me.
My advice to you is to chose a hobby or interest to hold your focus while continuing your reboot, and that your wife could participate with you at a later date. Your wife won't be able to keep doing online teaching until the early hours of the morning forever, and if you could rekindle the fun you had when you first started dating ? one thing might lead to another?
I messed up my marriage, and I now appreciate that I am lucky that I still have a wife, and sincerely hope that someone else can learn from the mistakes I made.
Good Luck. I hope this helps.
joepanic
Respected Member
Whooww Simonly excellent post I read your option number 3 a few time and really noticed that its is almost percisely what I had chosen to do (without a councellor telling me to) I just noticed when I took control of my own destiny that my wife seemed to not want to be "left out" also A person with a control issue can only have that control if she has someone to control. After I took that away from her she had to change her way to keep up
Richard this is seriously something you could look at too. it might really apply to you Find a hobby n or an interest get working on it as it will take energies away from porn helping in your fight and next time she takes the dog for a walk go with her (again taking away the ability to go to porn) and this will give you an oppertunity to chat about your new found interest.
as a sidenote how much does your wife know about your porn addiction? Mine has no idea i was addicted to it. She knows I used to surf a little porn and that I am "not bothering with it anymore" I dont plan to ever tell her about it as I was raised by my father to own your own problems and deal with them and fix them its ingrained into me and thats the way it is but depending how much your wife knows will help to steer you towards recovery
cheers
Post often it helps me it helps you
Richard this is seriously something you could look at too. it might really apply to you Find a hobby n or an interest get working on it as it will take energies away from porn helping in your fight and next time she takes the dog for a walk go with her (again taking away the ability to go to porn) and this will give you an oppertunity to chat about your new found interest.
as a sidenote how much does your wife know about your porn addiction? Mine has no idea i was addicted to it. She knows I used to surf a little porn and that I am "not bothering with it anymore" I dont plan to ever tell her about it as I was raised by my father to own your own problems and deal with them and fix them its ingrained into me and thats the way it is but depending how much your wife knows will help to steer you towards recovery
cheers
Post often it helps me it helps you
A few days of not posting anything here and you can probably guess what has happened - yes, that's right I have fallen off the wagon! I know what led to it - once more it was the frustration caused by having hopes once more dashed of anything sexual with my wife over the weekend. So I have been going back to chatting to pretty bad people and them sharing with me pretty bad stuff I have even been doing it while my wife has been sitting in the same room! The fact is however while watching it, at the same time I was thinking I really don't want to be watching this and wasting my time again - what I really want is to be having sex with my wife - why won't she do anything with me!? I don't want to blame her and I not saying that if I had regular sex with her that it would lead to me never wanting to watch porn but on the other hand I think it just might! Sorry everyone - time to start again
I have even been doing it while my wife has been sitting in the same room! The fact is however while watching it, at the same time I was thinking I really don't want to be watching this and wasting my time again - what I really want is to be having sex with my wife - why won't she do anything with me!? I don't want to blame her and I not saying that if I had regular sex with her that it would lead to me never wanting to watch porn but on the other hand I think it just might! Sorry everyone - time to start again Oh Richard ? I'm sorry to read that
Firstly, brush yourself down, jump back onto the wagon, and take some time to reflect.
If the truth be known, I joined this forum a year ago, back in February 2019. However, I only "watched from the sideline" still in denial, before I started to seriously attempt my first reboot, which I thought I could succeed on my own. It took me several "failed" attempts before I started the ongoing reboot "proper".
If you are watching porn while in the same room as your wife, that's not really fair on her? If she knew about it, could you blame her for not wanting to have sex with you?
It might be a good idea to confess to her? Let her know that you love her, and that you are missing the intimancy with her, and explain what the impact of her behaviour is having on you, and what is it making you do.
I had to repeatedly emphasise to my wife that it wasn't about sex, it was about sharing love ? wanting to care for her, and to feel a reciprocating feeling.
Like you I used to egarly await sex, but then frequently ended up feeling let down. Watching porn became a substitute. If I'm really honest, my fetish was to watch intimate and sensual videos. The dophamine rush was a "pick me up". This cycle of behaviour reinforced the addiction.
The more porn I was watching, the more warped my expectation were, and the more resentment I felt ? and the less love I felt towards my wife ? which reduced the chances of having sex ? ? and so I watched more porn? and the merry go around continued!
In order to break the cycle, I had to decouple porn from sex. The first step was to lower my expectations, and making the most of the "good times". In simple terms "making my glass half full, not half empty". This was critical to achieving option 3 previously described.
Unfortunately, there is will be no instant solution. It won't be a 100m dash, more like a marathon, to not only respect yourself again, but also to win back the trust of your wife.
Good Luck. I know it isn't easy, but the rewards will be worth it
Firstly, brush yourself down, jump back onto the wagon, and take some time to reflect.
If the truth be known, I joined this forum a year ago, back in February 2019. However, I only "watched from the sideline" still in denial, before I started to seriously attempt my first reboot, which I thought I could succeed on my own. It took me several "failed" attempts before I started the ongoing reboot "proper".
If you are watching porn while in the same room as your wife, that's not really fair on her? If she knew about it, could you blame her for not wanting to have sex with you?
It might be a good idea to confess to her? Let her know that you love her, and that you are missing the intimancy with her, and explain what the impact of her behaviour is having on you, and what is it making you do.
I had to repeatedly emphasise to my wife that it wasn't about sex, it was about sharing love ? wanting to care for her, and to feel a reciprocating feeling.
Like you I used to egarly await sex, but then frequently ended up feeling let down. Watching porn became a substitute. If I'm really honest, my fetish was to watch intimate and sensual videos. The dophamine rush was a "pick me up". This cycle of behaviour reinforced the addiction.
The more porn I was watching, the more warped my expectation were, and the more resentment I felt ? and the less love I felt towards my wife ? which reduced the chances of having sex ? ? and so I watched more porn? and the merry go around continued!
In order to break the cycle, I had to decouple porn from sex. The first step was to lower my expectations, and making the most of the "good times". In simple terms "making my glass half full, not half empty". This was critical to achieving option 3 previously described.
Unfortunately, there is will be no instant solution. It won't be a 100m dash, more like a marathon, to not only respect yourself again, but also to win back the trust of your wife.
Good Luck. I know it isn't easy, but the rewards will be worth it
Thanks, Simonly but I afraid and embarrassed to say that despite good intentions I have remained off the wagon and on my return from work continued with the PM - even with all the family still in the house - how bad is that
You say maybe I should confess to my wife but as I think I said in an earlier post my wife knows I watch porn - although she would be rightfully horrified if she knew the type of porn that is currently getting me off. In fact, one of her usual responses, when she can see I am frustrated, is 'just go and use your right hand'! So yep I have that conversation with her many times saying I don't want to look at porn, I just want to make love with her - but nothing ever changes.
She likes to cuddle and for me to hold her, stroke her hair and massage her back - all this I gladly do but get nothing back in return. On the times she does do something, as I said before it is usually a big chore for her - often she has fallen asleep when giving me a hand-job - what does that say!!!
So maybe I should just accept it and use the porn as you say as a 'substitute' - I am not sure I can lower my expectations any more than I do at the moment - maybe my marathon running is at an end before it even started?
You say maybe I should confess to my wife but as I think I said in an earlier post my wife knows I watch porn - although she would be rightfully horrified if she knew the type of porn that is currently getting me off. In fact, one of her usual responses, when she can see I am frustrated, is 'just go and use your right hand'! So yep I have that conversation with her many times saying I don't want to look at porn, I just want to make love with her - but nothing ever changes.
She likes to cuddle and for me to hold her, stroke her hair and massage her back - all this I gladly do but get nothing back in return. On the times she does do something, as I said before it is usually a big chore for her - often she has fallen asleep when giving me a hand-job - what does that say!!!
So maybe I should just accept it and use the porn as you say as a 'substitute' - I am not sure I can lower my expectations any more than I do at the moment - maybe my marathon running is at an end before it even started?
joepanic
Respected Member
Hi Richard
sorry to hear about the set back.. I am no professional councillor here but perhaps I can offer some insite to my own story. Please accept this as mainly insite and not advice, Perhaps setting a small goal say 15 days of no porn but also no expectation from your wife for anything. I say small goals as I found them to be a huge help as they were easy victories. Victories I could easily build on and celebrate.
I have read so much here in the partners section about how they are told over and over to "take care their own wellbeing"" and "put themselves 1st" when they have a porn addicted partner. I agree that this is super improtant for they need to heal also. Very rarely is this said to an addict. Its usually you must confess 1st and foremost. Since your wife already knows and is no tall that supportive in your attempts to quit porn and leave it behind, you need to work on wtory ays to build a different support system. Also take stock as to the reasons you want to quit porn. Is it just for the sake of your wife? If so you will be fighting a losing battle all the way.
In my story I had several reasons for quitting(thse are not in any particular order)
1 I find people change over time and the feel my wife may someday not accept the fact that I surfed a little porn. I'm sure this would have some sort of effect on our marraige.
2 I have hobbies that I never persued as much as I could have because of time wasted. Hobbies that would make me a more interesting man, a man others want to be around.
3 I feel that porn has held back my professional life I am 49 and feel that I probably could have retired by 50 comfortably had I been able to think much more clearely.
4 I suffered from a huge lack of confidence. Now this one is tricky I dont know if I started porn because of a lack of confidence or gained my lack of it due to porn use but from what I read giving it up usually helps to build confidence so I figured why not take the chance(I will say it really has made a huge difference)
5 I subscribe to "be the change you want to see" We have all read about what is happening in the porn world all the way from the actresses down to the 10 year old kid who has easy axcess ot it. Less people watching less support for the producers and more the message gets out that this is a huge problem in society, Am i going to be a part of the problem or a part of the solution? I think we all know the answer to that.
6 That empty feeling your left with after the fact of viewing porn and m'ing and o'ing to it. The 1st thing I would think of was how week and lazy I am taking this road. I though about some of my friends and had to ask myself is this what Dan is doing? Is this what Mark is doing? Judging by their success in their hobbies(which are the same as mine) and how far they have taken them I would have to think there is no way they are doing this
There are also other reasons I'm sure that pop in and out of my head and especially since I have quit other thoughts seem to bounce in and out of my head basically more insight on the benefits of quitting(not so much reasons but befefits) Things like the improvement in my health better communication with my wife and others around me exc
As for your wife I had gone through a few of the same things from time to time (not as severe an issue as you face though) But it seems since I quit porn some of those isses seemed to have solved themselves. The big issue I faced was always having to be the initiator. It was abit of an attact on my self esteem and confidence that she didnt come and jump my bones or made me feel desirable. Even after I discussed how I felt she would just downplay it. Eventually it came to the point where I didnt show as much interest and I think that hit her. It seems to have been a control issue in the end. But perhaps it was my improved confidence and renewed interests in hobbies exc. Things I had control over and she didnt I will be very honoust here that my pone hobby is music I play several instruments and when I began to improve my abilities and got into a band setting the confidence I felt was incredable It is a great subsitute for sex When your cheered on by girls when you play totally validates who I am as a person. In the end I cannot change someone else(my wife) to make me feel better so I found another way.
You might want to give both you and your wife a break and concentrate solely on healing yourself of an addiction. Get well than get "good" Be the man everyone else wants to be and to be around. In the end you might find that sex is not as important as you thought. Your wife may also sense the change in you and not want to be left behind. There is also ths chance it may have no effect on her in any way but save that cross that bridge when you get to it.
Take some time to take stock for now and begin the battle again
cheers
Post often it helps me it jelps you
sorry to hear about the set back.. I am no professional councillor here but perhaps I can offer some insite to my own story. Please accept this as mainly insite and not advice, Perhaps setting a small goal say 15 days of no porn but also no expectation from your wife for anything. I say small goals as I found them to be a huge help as they were easy victories. Victories I could easily build on and celebrate.
I have read so much here in the partners section about how they are told over and over to "take care their own wellbeing"" and "put themselves 1st" when they have a porn addicted partner. I agree that this is super improtant for they need to heal also. Very rarely is this said to an addict. Its usually you must confess 1st and foremost. Since your wife already knows and is no tall that supportive in your attempts to quit porn and leave it behind, you need to work on wtory ays to build a different support system. Also take stock as to the reasons you want to quit porn. Is it just for the sake of your wife? If so you will be fighting a losing battle all the way.
In my story I had several reasons for quitting(thse are not in any particular order)
1 I find people change over time and the feel my wife may someday not accept the fact that I surfed a little porn. I'm sure this would have some sort of effect on our marraige.
2 I have hobbies that I never persued as much as I could have because of time wasted. Hobbies that would make me a more interesting man, a man others want to be around.
3 I feel that porn has held back my professional life I am 49 and feel that I probably could have retired by 50 comfortably had I been able to think much more clearely.
4 I suffered from a huge lack of confidence. Now this one is tricky I dont know if I started porn because of a lack of confidence or gained my lack of it due to porn use but from what I read giving it up usually helps to build confidence so I figured why not take the chance(I will say it really has made a huge difference)
5 I subscribe to "be the change you want to see" We have all read about what is happening in the porn world all the way from the actresses down to the 10 year old kid who has easy axcess ot it. Less people watching less support for the producers and more the message gets out that this is a huge problem in society, Am i going to be a part of the problem or a part of the solution? I think we all know the answer to that.
6 That empty feeling your left with after the fact of viewing porn and m'ing and o'ing to it. The 1st thing I would think of was how week and lazy I am taking this road. I though about some of my friends and had to ask myself is this what Dan is doing? Is this what Mark is doing? Judging by their success in their hobbies(which are the same as mine) and how far they have taken them I would have to think there is no way they are doing this
There are also other reasons I'm sure that pop in and out of my head and especially since I have quit other thoughts seem to bounce in and out of my head basically more insight on the benefits of quitting(not so much reasons but befefits) Things like the improvement in my health better communication with my wife and others around me exc
As for your wife I had gone through a few of the same things from time to time (not as severe an issue as you face though) But it seems since I quit porn some of those isses seemed to have solved themselves. The big issue I faced was always having to be the initiator. It was abit of an attact on my self esteem and confidence that she didnt come and jump my bones or made me feel desirable. Even after I discussed how I felt she would just downplay it. Eventually it came to the point where I didnt show as much interest and I think that hit her. It seems to have been a control issue in the end. But perhaps it was my improved confidence and renewed interests in hobbies exc. Things I had control over and she didnt I will be very honoust here that my pone hobby is music I play several instruments and when I began to improve my abilities and got into a band setting the confidence I felt was incredable It is a great subsitute for sex When your cheered on by girls when you play totally validates who I am as a person. In the end I cannot change someone else(my wife) to make me feel better so I found another way.
You might want to give both you and your wife a break and concentrate solely on healing yourself of an addiction. Get well than get "good" Be the man everyone else wants to be and to be around. In the end you might find that sex is not as important as you thought. Your wife may also sense the change in you and not want to be left behind. There is also ths chance it may have no effect on her in any way but save that cross that bridge when you get to it.
Take some time to take stock for now and begin the battle again
cheers
Post often it helps me it jelps you