S
switched_off
Guest
Hello all
Long post alert...
I find myself here, like most have, because I need help to move on from something that has been a steadily increasing part of my life (or at least covert life) over the last 30 or so years. I reached my point when enough was enough almost exactly 3 months ago and I think I have done very well rebooting by myself so far, but a few things started to chip away and undermine the foundations I had built, which led me back to the dark side this weekend. It was painful and I now know I need to change the way I think about some things, change my relationship with that dark side, put it in to context and shine a light on what it really is.
I will write a journal mostly for myself, so I have something to look back on and reflect on 1 month, 2 months, 3 months down the line, when my commitment is waining and I am at risk of slipping in to old habits. I also hope to reflect in a way that might resonate with others, because even though I didn't actively participate in this and other forums during the early days, I certainly learned from reading them, and drew comfort from knowing that others had and are treading the same path.
First the back story. Not sure I'll get it all down tonight, but I'll start and try and pick through some of it... I'll continue on other nights and attempt to put down on paper some of the thoughts I have tussled with and which drag me down... But hopefully with a view to turning them around in to something positive.
I'm a 51 year old married male from Scotland with two grown kids and started using porn (4th paragraph in before I could force myself to use the word and acknowledge that I have an issue) in my teens. The usual way for someone of my age, magazines, some borrowed (from brother's stash), some bought, and yes some stolen...
Then some time around the turn of the century, so I was in my early 30's, the internet came along, and so started the habit of going online after my wife was in bed to see what I could find... First pictures, then videos, tube sites - a steadily growing array of options as the speed of the internet improved. Then at some point, say around 2010, I saw a silly thing on a popular tv programme about web chat sites - needless to say I was in there.... and the rest, as they say, is history...
I'm conscious of the need to avoid triggers, so I don't really want to name it, but one particular site came to dominate my night-time habits. And similar to the progression I described above about porn in general, I started as a guest, then became a member who didn't pay for private, to a member who occasionally paid, to a member with a regular paying habit, then an infatuation with one girl who I lost myself over and did a lot of silly things... (more later in another post when I attempt to analyse this stupid behaviour).
I always knew it wasn't sustainable, I was taking risks and spending money I didn't have - this led me to a nadir point on Sept 20th when I took the decision to change....
My reboot experience was similar to many others described elsewhere - a mix of emotions - high, lows - excitement at morning wood and realising I did indeed have an issue with PIED or at least PI delayed ejaculation. But as I said previously, some things chipped away at the foundations I had built, and I hope to explore and understand these in future posts, as well as consider the utter futility of establishing what you think is a meaningful relationship with someone who is in effect a digital prostitute...
More another night... I have a lot to get off my chest...
Long post alert...
I find myself here, like most have, because I need help to move on from something that has been a steadily increasing part of my life (or at least covert life) over the last 30 or so years. I reached my point when enough was enough almost exactly 3 months ago and I think I have done very well rebooting by myself so far, but a few things started to chip away and undermine the foundations I had built, which led me back to the dark side this weekend. It was painful and I now know I need to change the way I think about some things, change my relationship with that dark side, put it in to context and shine a light on what it really is.
I will write a journal mostly for myself, so I have something to look back on and reflect on 1 month, 2 months, 3 months down the line, when my commitment is waining and I am at risk of slipping in to old habits. I also hope to reflect in a way that might resonate with others, because even though I didn't actively participate in this and other forums during the early days, I certainly learned from reading them, and drew comfort from knowing that others had and are treading the same path.
First the back story. Not sure I'll get it all down tonight, but I'll start and try and pick through some of it... I'll continue on other nights and attempt to put down on paper some of the thoughts I have tussled with and which drag me down... But hopefully with a view to turning them around in to something positive.
I'm a 51 year old married male from Scotland with two grown kids and started using porn (4th paragraph in before I could force myself to use the word and acknowledge that I have an issue) in my teens. The usual way for someone of my age, magazines, some borrowed (from brother's stash), some bought, and yes some stolen...
Then some time around the turn of the century, so I was in my early 30's, the internet came along, and so started the habit of going online after my wife was in bed to see what I could find... First pictures, then videos, tube sites - a steadily growing array of options as the speed of the internet improved. Then at some point, say around 2010, I saw a silly thing on a popular tv programme about web chat sites - needless to say I was in there.... and the rest, as they say, is history...
I'm conscious of the need to avoid triggers, so I don't really want to name it, but one particular site came to dominate my night-time habits. And similar to the progression I described above about porn in general, I started as a guest, then became a member who didn't pay for private, to a member who occasionally paid, to a member with a regular paying habit, then an infatuation with one girl who I lost myself over and did a lot of silly things... (more later in another post when I attempt to analyse this stupid behaviour).
I always knew it wasn't sustainable, I was taking risks and spending money I didn't have - this led me to a nadir point on Sept 20th when I took the decision to change....
My reboot experience was similar to many others described elsewhere - a mix of emotions - high, lows - excitement at morning wood and realising I did indeed have an issue with PIED or at least PI delayed ejaculation. But as I said previously, some things chipped away at the foundations I had built, and I hope to explore and understand these in future posts, as well as consider the utter futility of establishing what you think is a meaningful relationship with someone who is in effect a digital prostitute...
More another night... I have a lot to get off my chest...