Prom's Journal

Promise

Well-Known Member
Hi guys, I've not been having immense amounts of luck rebooting lately.  Now I'm back on day 0 (I count day 0 as anything between 0 and 24 hours since last fap; mine was last night) and I want to make a sincere effort to kick the habit for good.  I'm also open to taking on an accountability buddy if anyone is interested.  It would be good to have a friend who knows what I'm going through so we can help each other.

First I'll give you a bit of background information about myself.  I'm 25 years old from the UK, and I started looking at P when I was 16.  The first O I ever had was looking at P, so it's basically been almost a constant in my life since then.  It was my sexual awakening so to speak.  I found YBOP about 2.5 years ago, and have made a more concerted effort to quit since then, with only fairly minor levels of success.  Before then I suspected my P use was becoming slightly problematic, but I never realised the effect it was having on me, and never went more than 3 days without going back to it.  Since I found YBOP the longest I have gone is 28 days no PMO, and my target is 90 (ultimately I never want to look at P again).  By now it feels like I've got stuck in a bit of a cycle, one which I need to break for good.  My P usage is so entrenched it's been a difficult habit to kick, but I'm determined, because I've felt what the other side is when I've been clean for a while.  Happier, less anxious and more motivated.  I've decided that's how I want to live my life.  I've had a handful of sexual partners, but not many successful relationships, and rarely had satisfying sex with a partner.  I consider myself something of a feminist (although my P flavours may indicate otherwise sometimes) and a firm believer in equal rights.  Fortunately there has always been a thick line for me between fantasy and reality, so my P usage hasn't had any influence on my life or how I treat people, besides from my social anxiety.  I don't intend on having children (maybe that will all change in time), but what I do want is a happy, sexually healthy long term relationship with a partner who shares my interests and outlook on life, a closer relationship with my friends where I'm present and not craving isolation, and motivation to work hard in my career and on my creative personal projects.  When I think of what my life could be if I could shake off my anxiety and lack of motivation it makes me happy (I know quitting won't be a wonder cure, but when I've been clean for over 10 days or so, I feel happier, more driven and calmer).

Like many accounts on here, my P usage started fairly innocuously, but gradually escalated.  Every time it did, I'd feel guilty about the things I was looking at, then after a while it would fade and I'd be de-sensitised until I was looking at all sorts of weird and deviant things.  I feel guilty about the things I've seen sometimes, about how I allowed myself to derive 'pleasure' from degrading material.  Sometimes I get paranoid that people will find out what I've done in private and be disgusted with me, which often fuels my anxiety.  I keep reassuring myself that I'm a good man, and it was my addiction that perverted me, now I'm going to put my money where my mouth is and kick this habit once and for all.  I'm using K9 web filter, but I don't know my password, I sent it to a friend to look after, so I have to ask her for it if I want to bypass the filter.  This mostly helps, but if you really want P, somehow you'll find it.  Recently I unblocked Twitter, Imgur, Tumblr, Flickr and Vimeo, because, despite all of them containing lots of P, I think they're useful sites and I want to keep them.  I really don't want to re-block them, but when I've been cheating recently, I've been using those sites.  I'm going to keep them unblocked for now, and try and show I'm capable of using them responsibly and avoiding temptation.

Now for the diary:
Day 0: Today has been a fairly ordinary day.  Went out driving for work.  It was a lovely day for it, and it has been mostly enjoyable, but I've been having pangs of anxiety and paranoia.  The type that make my head go light, and make it feel as though a fist is clenching the inside of my guts.  I recently got a new job offer, which is a massive positive, as it seems like a great job, but I'm paranoid they're going to turn around and say there was a clerical error and they don't want me, which is a bit silly!  Doing so much driving, especially in this weather I always notice pretty women in the street.  Generally I try not to look and focus on my driving.  When I do look I sometimes feel guilty.  I don't really know how to manage my emotions on the issue.  I rarely sexualise women, I just admire how good they look (without trying to sound weird here).

I havn't had any invasive thoughts today.  I forgot to mention that; I sometimes get invasive thoughts.  They can cause a rather large amount of stress sometimes, stress which often builds into a relapse.  When driving for hours at a time, it gives me a lot of thinking time.  Time to overthink things, time to allow my thoughts to stress me out.  I'm often much happier when I have company to talk to, things to do to keep my mind busy.  I'm also perfectly happy being by myself.  At my PC, reading, playing games, whatever.  The invasive thoughts aren't always sexual, they're usually just unpleasant in nature.  Sometimes they are sexual, and I'll mentally say "NO.", but I'll often still feel guilty and stressed out.  Something I want to try out is mindfulness, being able to allow conscious thoughts to rise up naturally, noticing them without judgement and letting them naturally dissipate.  If anyone knows any good guides for mindfulness, please let me know!

Even now as I write this, I feel stressed, like there's a little devil on my shoulder, poking my temple and making me feel anxious for no reason.  Apart from that though, my day has been nice, and I have many things to be grateful for.  It's worth mentioning I'm not always stressed and anxious, sometimes I'm a pretty happy chappy.  I welcome everyone's thoughts, comments, tips, criticisms, everything and anything.  If you've taken the time to read this, bless you, you have my full attention if you have anything to add.


Things I'm grateful for today:
  • A new career on the horizon.
  • The gorgeous weather.
  • Talking to an old friend again.
  • My lovely family.
  • The chance for a fresh start.
 

Promise

Well-Known Member
Day 1: Been fairly similar to yesterday; blazing heat, driving around.  Not a whole lot to report, I had a bit of anxiety earlier, but not as bad as yesterday.  I sometimes feel a bit socially awkward, like I know I can be nice and charming sometimes, but it's almost like I feel people can see me and intuitively know I've recently looked at filth :p it's silly I know.  Anyway, whatever.  I had an invasive thought too.  Made me feel guilty, as did seeing some pretty ladies in the street.  I don't know why it makes me feel guilty, it's not like these are things I can control.  Besides, I know these things fade with time, like they have when I've gone a while without PMO before.

Overall it's been a positive day, and I'm playing games with friends which is nice ^_^ No cravings to speak of yet, although sometimes I get a bonk on for no reason, or even some healthy fantasy.  Sometimes I drift away and catch myself thinking about things, but today they've all been nice natural fantasies.  I try not to fantisize too much though, as one thing can lead to another.


Things I'm grateful for today:
  • The scorching weather again!
  • General improvement in mood over yesterday.
  • My internet friends :)
 

skrodriguez

Member
So my journal thread is http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=1136.0

A bonk on? What is that? An erection? Euphemisms.

Is that counting of blessings thing you put at the end of your posts a reboot strategy? It's interesting, I hadn't thought of that at all.

I speak a bit about cravings in my last post in my journal noticing that you're writing about these and fantasies. Early on is really tough, I don't know how many times you've reset, for me it's been a few but then again I actually didn't have it in my mind to begin a full reboot which was part of the reason why I don't think I really made it past 10 days on like 3-4 separte occasions. Around day three it gets intense for me then at 7-10 days then I found 18-21.
 

Promise

Well-Known Member
Cool, I'll follow your thread!  Is there a way to do it automatically or will I just have to check it manually?

Yeah, you are correct, sir!  I kinda felt uncomfortable writing erection, must be the Englishman in me!

The things I'm grateful for is recommended in the 'Before you post' thread.  It doesn't state it's exact purpose, but it's a nice thing to do and helps you stay positive I guess :)

A few weeks ago I got to 14 days.  I had a few minor cravings earlier on, then on day 13 I had really intense cravings.  On day 14 I MO'd, then the next day I gave in to the chaser effect and PMOd.  I really need to learn how to manage the chaser effect.  About 8 days in I started to find it smooth sailing, easy up until day 13 which caught me by surprised.  If my memory serves me correctly, it might have been because I was noticing all the pretty ladies while driving again D:

I'll go and give your journal a read now :)
 

Promise

Well-Known Member
Day 2:  Today has been quite nice.  I havn't got any work done, although I did do a bit of house work and some exercise.  It felt great to do exercise again, getting those endorphins naturally.  Once again it's been lovely and hot.  Spent some time out in the garden with my brother and his friend and my little nephew.  Had some nice Pimms, enjoyed the sunshine.  Apart from that I've played video games all day!  Probably should cut down on how much time I waste on those things, but it hasn't been all bad.  Had a nice chat with my internet friend while playing.  The last couple of games I played stressed me out a bit, which made me want to fap, but I've had no porn cravings today.  I've also had minimal anxiety.  Apart from on or two small pangs which went away quickly, so that's good!  I was invited out to the pub, but I didn't really feel like it, so I'm just going to stay in, watch something and go to bed I think.  Tomorrow I plan to go for a jog, maybe see my friend at some point and work on some of my personal creative projects.

Overall today has been alright :)

Things I'm grateful for today:
  • Pimms, garden, sunshine and babby! :3
  • My lovely internet friend.
  • Exercise endorphins.
  • My mum's lasagne :D
 

skrodriguez

Member
Promise said:
I really need to learn how to manage the chaser effect.

The BEST way to manage the chaser effect is to not MO in the first place and thus have no chaser effect. No-fiddle is in my experience the best strategy for the long haul.

 

innergothkid

Active Member
Hey! Thanks for mentioning K9. Just installed on top of my browser extension. The combination of the two should be a veritable pain in my ass if I ever get the desire to porn it up.

You mentioned mindfulness and I thought I'd share this (very long) workshop on non-violent communication. Not exactly the same, but they come out of the same tradition, and a lot of it's transferable. And Rosenberg has a way of presenting it that clicks for me.

I actually took a mindfulness/meditation class as an elective at university. One exercise we did was eating raisins. Eat them as slowly as possible while paying close attention to the flavor, the texture, the feel of your chewing, your breathing, and any other little details. The idea is to become hyper focused on the task you're carrying out, to focus on the moment instead of letting your mind wander to the past or future. Maybe you should give it a try.

EDIT: Meant to say future, not present. The present is exactly what you're focusing on.
 

ollie90

Member
Hope it's going well prom! This weather in the UK is quite helpful I feel - can just get outside and forget about the P or M no problem, hate it being a Sunday though with nothing to distract me! The jogging is a great idea though - keep that up! Will have multiple benefits in the long run! We are at a similar stage I think so will keep following your diary updates and wish you all the luck! You've done well getting to 28 days before - what are your tips from before you relapsed? Unsure I'll make it the week at this rate!
 

Promise

Well-Known Member
Thanks for the replies, guys!

@innergothkid: Interesting little experiment there, might try it :)

@ollie90: Just as you say that it's started raining  ;D Also I appreciate the pun in the long RUN!  Havn't been for a jog yet, but might do some leg excercises to compensate!  Been watching this guy's videos: http://scoobysworkshop.com/intermediate-workout-plan/ lots of tips, seems like fitness is one of the best things to keep occupied with.  You seem correct about us both being at a similar stage, I think I'm 1 day behind you :p I'll go have a read of your journal now.

I think when I went for 28 days I just tried not to think about it.  Left my mind and focused on other things.  Not entertaining fantasies, not entertaining thoughts about P whatever.  Keeping busy with friends also helps.  Then when the night came, I was a little stressed and horny I'd just bear in mind what I was doing and why I was doing it.  At some point you'll catch a glimpse of the other side.  You'll feel happy, free and motivated, and when that happens, you have to take a mental picture of the moment and how you feel.  Imagine feeling like that in your day to day life.  That's what you want.  When you get those urges, just remember that feeling, and remember how to obtain that feeling; abstinence based rebooting.  Why on earth would you throw that feeling away for a moment of pleasure?  Why, when you know all it will bring is frustration.  It's not a good response to stress.

Then after that, I'd put all thoughts of M and P out of my mind.  Don't overthink it too much, once you've reminded yourself of why you're rebooting.  The more you think about it, the more time you give those fallacious tendrils of your addiction time to worm their way into your mind and trick you with false logic.  If you allow the seed to take root, it becomes harder to resist and stop thinking about.

If you think you won't make it a week, just remember, the cravings pass, usually in less than 30 minutes they'll have subsided to the point that you can tolerate them (if you're anything like me) then in 2 days they should be gone completely.  You just have to wait, and eventually they'll go away and it becomes much easier.  Sure they come and go, just ride them out and remember they hold no power over you.

In the end my 28 day streak was over after I went out drinking, came back and lost control.  It's important to know your own triggers.  One of my biggest ones is a hangover, when I use P to medicate the pain.  It's a bad habit, but equipped with that knowledge, I know not to go out drinking when I'll be able to come home to privacy.


While I'm at it, I'll mention it's so nice to have you guys to talk to about all of this stuff.  I do have one other friend who knows about my addiction, but she's not around much, and even then I don't think she'd understand it if I went into the nitty gritty details.  I never kept a journal before, so I'm sure this will help.  Well this post ended up much longer than I intended, and I havn't even done my diary yet :p I'll probably pop on later to do a short post and my 'Things I'm grateful for'!  Thanks again guys, and good luck :)
 

Promise

Well-Known Member
Day 3: Not much to say, as I mentioned earlier :)  Nice enough day, barely any anxiety.  I think I spent too much time at the PC.  Only got a little bit of work done, and didn't end up exercising after all.  Got a bit of a headache now, and for some reason my instinct is to fap to soothe the pain, but the craving isn't bad enough to indulge.  I must spend less time at the computer, and do a bit of exercise tomorrow!

Things I'm grateful for today:
  • My friends and family <3
  • My crazy little nephew :D
  • Laaaaaaaazy Sunday afternoon, I've got no mind to worry!  Close my eyes and drift away...


Just a quick update, I did some exercise in the end, some planks, crunches and lunges, and it made me horny as hell o_O I had a cold shower and settled down a bit.  Off to bed now, I'll be back tomorrow with another diary entry I guess :) night all!
 

innergothkid

Active Member
Seems like we're about in the same place, reboot-wise. Riding that initial high. Keep it going. We both know we have to hunker down and work at it at some point.

And you're making me a little afraid to exercise. I remember that before I crashed I was working out a lot (I hit 48 hours one week, though that includes work, which is super physical). Between that and the supplements I was taking, my testosterone was through the roof. I wanted to fight everything. I was walking down the sidewalk one night and the bus driver pulled over yelling for some guy to get off of the bus, and I was pumped and ready to jump on the bus and drag him off if he didn't go peacefully.

Alpha-est male. (Yes, I just superlatived that. And yes, I just verbed that.)

I think my PMO escalated a lot at the time too. I basically wanted to either fight or fuck everything. It was pretty awesome, but would have been better if I'd had the foresight to direct that energy away from P.
 

Promise

Well-Known Member
That's what I felt like last night!  Felt like I could fuck a hole through the wall  ;D

Generally though I think it's helpful for the process, after my cold shower I settled down.  It gives you something to focus on, something to feel positive about.  My muscles are aching today and it feels great!  Never taken any supplements though, so I don't know what that's like :p
 

jnv

Well-Known Member
I've only attempted 2 reboots until now, but I got heavy headaches in the first 4-5 days of both of them + the urge to MO to get rid of them so I think it's not so uncommon.
Concerning working out, I've got the opposite effects. If I'm horny at the beginning and make a big workout session (50+min at least) it calms me down greatly as if I had canalised all that excess of energy. I do feel mega energised in the wake of a workout but in a better and more productive way than before. :)
 

innergothkid

Active Member
Promise said:
That's what I felt like last night!  Felt like I could fuck a hole through the wall  ;D

Generally though I think it's helpful for the process, after my cold shower I settled down.  It gives you something to focus on, something to feel positive about.  My muscles are aching today and it feels great!  Never taken any supplements though, so I don't know what that's like :p

They were for promoting faster fat loss, specifically, not for muscle gain. I was taking the controversial PAGG stack from The 4-Hour Body. It's policosanol, ALA, garlic extract, and green tea extract. Then I added NatureWise's Raspberry Ketones Plus+ which contains the ketones, grapefruit, African mango, acai, etc. Plus some extra resveratrol, some vitamin D3, and a regular multi-vitamin on top of that. I lost about 14 pounds in a month, but ran out of some of the stuff I was taking. I'm guessing that if any of the supplements affected my testosterone levels, it was the garlic, since some small studies have shown a link between high allicin intake and high testosterone. But that's purely speculation. I'm the kind of person who's willing to try anything, but super skeptical about the claims being made.

Policosanol is supposed to increase blood flow, though, and I did start waking up with almost painfully hard morning wood after I started taking it. So, depending on what you're looking for...

Though, I'm pretty haphazard with my supplement use. I can't really recommend that anyone else do the same. But, FYI.
 

Anders

Active Member
Your first post is excellent promise, very inspirational. You seem to be doing well on 4 days and keeping up the journal!
 

Promise

Well-Known Member
Thanks Anders, is nice of you to say :)  I'll read through your thread at some point, but it's quite a bit longer than mine  ;D

Day 4:
OKAY, so this has been one of those trying days we've all been talking about.  Not so much with regards to cravings, those have been fairly minimal, but just my overall mood.  I've been down in the dumps.  Brain fog, headache, ennui, lethargy and my personal favourite; anxiety.  I guess we all get days like these during a reboot, but I need some re-assurance that these are part of the reboot or withdrawals, and not legitimate feelings.  I'll talk more about my feelings, but first I thought I'd just give a quick recount of my day.  Ordinary day, played some games, did a tiny bit more work, went shopping (nice weather for it again :p ) cooked dinner for the family (was okay, but not a terrific success!) and got yelled at by my mother for leaving the kitchen in a state!  Granted it's my fault, but she completely over-reacted.  We're talking borderline hysterics.  It's because she's working too hard, and menopausal and suffering with the heat combined with the other two.  So that stressed me out a bit, but I sat in the garden for a while to cool down and texted a friend.  Felt a bit better after that.

I think the most important thing to talk about today, though, is my feelings.  Like I mentioned earlier, a pretty crummy cocktail of emotions and feelings today.  I had a couple of talks with myself (in my head, I ain't crazy, yo!) about the nature of my addiction.  Like I mentioned in my first post, a fair bit of my paranoia and anxiety are caused by what people would think of me if they saw some of the things I looked at during the height of my addiction.  I won't describe them, lest it acts as a trigger for anyone, but some of it could be quite unpleasant.

This is basically how the conversation with myself went: The things I saw and looked at were part of my quest for endless novelty, things I hadn't seen before.  These are things that when I consider now repulse and do not arouse me.  They are not a part of my natural sexual make up or my sexuality at large.  I know this, as I've seen many many accounts by other addicts about how their quest for novelty took them down paths that made them uncomfortable, things they had no natural propensity toward, and after recovering never thought of again.  This was all part of an addiction, making me act and feel out of character, and although these weren't nice things, and I knew it, I was in the throngs of an addiction.  I needn't feel guilty about them.  The healthiest thing to do is accept my actions for what they were and move on.  Work hard on my recovery to make sure they never happen again.

Do you think this line of thought is accurate and helpful, or am I lying to myself?  Does anyone else feel guilty about the nature of porn they looked at, or upset by the thoughts of what people would think if they knew?

Once again I'd like to thank you guys for reading, and thank you for your words and encouragements.  I'm finding it enormously helpful to actually write all this down and get it off my chest, rather than bottling it up and keeping it to myself.


Things I'm grateful for today:
  • You guys! <3
  • The power and knowledge to do the right thing.
  • A relaxing sit in the garden to put things in perspective, and texting my friend
  • A nice walk in the sun.

Bring on day 5, can't wait to see what ya got.
 

ollie90

Member
I can't be grateful enough that I have moved away from those arguements at home man, probably the only part I don't miss haha - you just cooked them all dinner!! My mum always says she cooked so I've gotta clean - was never reciprocated when I cooked mind, I made the mess so I had better clean it! Menapause should make this reboot seem easy haha. Good on you for taking yourself out the situation though and sitting outside!

I think your reasoning is fine - what you are telling yourself is true! As I beleive you have read in my journal, my P addiction was off putting and really made me anxious and paranoid, I hate the thought of it already as its just not me. I am still paranoid now that someone might find out through here means I was so open, but I needed to do that to get it off my chest and to get the assurance from you guys that I'm not crazy, or even creepy for that matter. You have got to accept what happened as spilt milk (no pun there) and move on. That was the old you, if people find out at least you can be like "yeah I did, but I'm over it now" - this reboot is all about forward looking, not dwelling. It's good you are repulsed by it though - that will come in useful to avoid relapse.

Keep up the good work man, already half way through the first week!
 
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