Allright, here goes nothing. In hindsight, I have been a porn addict since the age of 16 or so (now 29). Although there have been periods in my life where I did do well (in general), I have always watched porn. Some years ago, as a student still, I suffered a stress related burn-out, which I now also relate to porn use. In the wake of that event I started meditating, I got to know my girlfriend and things were relatively OK for a while. However, the craving never really left me, and I never really gotten to enjoy my life as much (never really stopped P, but living together with my girlfriend now so watch every week or so). Porn use has had a huge negative impact on my relationship. I never really talked about it with my girlfriend, and often times I am suffering from PIED. The only way to get it up for me is when I fantasize during the act. For this I despise myself, as it is unfair to my girlfriend. Moreover, it is probably maintaining a wrong wiring of my brain.
Not surprising, P is also having a negative impact in other areas of my life. Although I managed to obtain a position as PhD candidate, I am not doing too well. As a PhD candidate much of the motivation to do stuff has to come from within yourself (there's no real hard deadline except the end of my contract ...), and here I have massive problems. I tend to avoid things that are hard and resort to porn use to numb the stress that I experience. Furthermore, I am just not able to think clearly oftentimes, and I am easily distracted. As an aspiring scientist, I am deeply troubled with having kept my addiction secret to everyone. Integrity and trustworthiness are the most important virtues for a scientist and it makes me feel bad that - although I try to pursue these in my working life - I do not hold up these virtues in my private life. In that sense, writing this journal/blog post is already somewhat alleviating.
Ok, so my goals are:
1) No P
2) No M
3) No fantasizing whatsoever
4) Meditate ~30 min and/or physical activity
Not surprising, P is also having a negative impact in other areas of my life. Although I managed to obtain a position as PhD candidate, I am not doing too well. As a PhD candidate much of the motivation to do stuff has to come from within yourself (there's no real hard deadline except the end of my contract ...), and here I have massive problems. I tend to avoid things that are hard and resort to porn use to numb the stress that I experience. Furthermore, I am just not able to think clearly oftentimes, and I am easily distracted. As an aspiring scientist, I am deeply troubled with having kept my addiction secret to everyone. Integrity and trustworthiness are the most important virtues for a scientist and it makes me feel bad that - although I try to pursue these in my working life - I do not hold up these virtues in my private life. In that sense, writing this journal/blog post is already somewhat alleviating.
Ok, so my goals are:
1) No P
2) No M
3) No fantasizing whatsoever
4) Meditate ~30 min and/or physical activity