BKM
Active Member
So I'm 57 days in. It has been intense to say the least, but not from a stopping point of few but from and emotional one. I stopped 57 days ago and sure there have been some triggers, some movies with sexy girls in but that is about it, they were very controllable. The idea popped into my head but then I pushed the idea out. I haven't had PIED or any kind of ED in fact I am probably the opposite, sometimes I find it hard not to get erect and I get blue balls a lot. When me and my wife cuddle I often start to go hard. I had problems throughout my teenage years with constant erections at school and trying to hide them. I suppose that is an advantage of not being that well endowed. Probably the only advantage. I started to MO way back nearly 26 years ago, I guess I would have been around 13. There was a lot going around school whether you could or couldn't. I think I tried a few times till I could. I suppose it was a pretty good feeling at the time so continued doing it. But as with all types of sex you keep them secret, and I had kept it secret, for too long. I got married had kids, moved to New Zealand, all the time with my wife being kept in the dark. I suppose I justified it through a number of factors, my main ones being insecure with my body and with my love making abilities. I suppose watching porn does make you feel inferior, I can't do what those guys do, but I wouldn't want to either so I kind of get off on the fantasy of having the balls(so to speak) to do what they do, not really what they look like.
My wife walked in on me watching porn one morning before work, I was not masturbating. And ironically I was watching it to try to increase my prowess in the bedroom, a tip from Ron Jeremy no less. And even more ironic it turns out I was quite good in bed. I have always suffered with a bit of over excitement during sex, not really premature ejaculation but not really lasting long enough to satisfy my wife. I think PMO definitely increased my lasting time. There may have been one time that I can remember when I couldn't actually perform for my wife but I did used to turn her down for sex. She is beautiful, blonde, skinny, leggy, sexy the woman of my dreams and still I turned her down. It absolutely beggars belief why I would do this, I had a woman who wanted me but I didn't give myself to her. I have a lot of justifications running through my head for this but none of them make sense really when I analyse them. She thinks I have an attachment disorder, which I am inclined to agree with. I need to get to the bottom of it all which I am currently doing with my new counsellor. Yes I.m on my third, I think this one will help me reach deeper into myself.
Anyway the intensity has been in the way I have systematically destroyed my wife life. All of it unintentional yet all of it hurting more and more. First I lied then minimised and justified and all the things they tell you not to do, if only I realised on was an addict before his all came to light then I could have saved my wife from a shitload of distress. Also I am shit at empathy and expressing my own feelings. I'm still not fully convinced I am an addict, because I have stopped so easily, so it is really hard for me to go down this path, I do see a lot of similarities between me and some of your journals on here though. I'm on my third attempt at accepting what I am, I am really giving it my all this time, I have hurt my wife too much. We had a major fight last night and almost split up but I can thank my lucky stars she came back, I thought I had completely lost her.
So this is where I am now, if I fail this time she will surely leave. And she is right I will slip back into PMOing again, but then if your single I suppose you are only hurting yourself. Previously I thought to myself I would stop for her, she tells me I should stop for me but really I should stop for both of us, so we can connect and go forward and try to put this behind us. The intensity isn't over but hopefully I can reduce it. It will never fully go away, I realise that but I love her so neither am I.
My wife walked in on me watching porn one morning before work, I was not masturbating. And ironically I was watching it to try to increase my prowess in the bedroom, a tip from Ron Jeremy no less. And even more ironic it turns out I was quite good in bed. I have always suffered with a bit of over excitement during sex, not really premature ejaculation but not really lasting long enough to satisfy my wife. I think PMO definitely increased my lasting time. There may have been one time that I can remember when I couldn't actually perform for my wife but I did used to turn her down for sex. She is beautiful, blonde, skinny, leggy, sexy the woman of my dreams and still I turned her down. It absolutely beggars belief why I would do this, I had a woman who wanted me but I didn't give myself to her. I have a lot of justifications running through my head for this but none of them make sense really when I analyse them. She thinks I have an attachment disorder, which I am inclined to agree with. I need to get to the bottom of it all which I am currently doing with my new counsellor. Yes I.m on my third, I think this one will help me reach deeper into myself.
Anyway the intensity has been in the way I have systematically destroyed my wife life. All of it unintentional yet all of it hurting more and more. First I lied then minimised and justified and all the things they tell you not to do, if only I realised on was an addict before his all came to light then I could have saved my wife from a shitload of distress. Also I am shit at empathy and expressing my own feelings. I'm still not fully convinced I am an addict, because I have stopped so easily, so it is really hard for me to go down this path, I do see a lot of similarities between me and some of your journals on here though. I'm on my third attempt at accepting what I am, I am really giving it my all this time, I have hurt my wife too much. We had a major fight last night and almost split up but I can thank my lucky stars she came back, I thought I had completely lost her.
So this is where I am now, if I fail this time she will surely leave. And she is right I will slip back into PMOing again, but then if your single I suppose you are only hurting yourself. Previously I thought to myself I would stop for her, she tells me I should stop for me but really I should stop for both of us, so we can connect and go forward and try to put this behind us. The intensity isn't over but hopefully I can reduce it. It will never fully go away, I realise that but I love her so neither am I.