varunsharma
Member
I relapsed on day 44 last day.I have had streaks of more than 20 days from the previous 4 months.
i have noticed that usually whenever i relapse after these days , it is because of some bad thoughts .
for example i feel sleepy throughout the days for 4-5 days. bad thoughts about myself being less from my peers, exams not going well , not able to concentrate and so on. thoughts that i would never be able to have a normal life which everyone have , i.e life consisting of energy , life consisting of some concentration , not making too much fantasies and all. the symptoms of porn addiction , like sleepiness , loss of energy . loss of concentration will never go and i will have to lead a poor life.
all this leads to very depressing thoughts ., i keep on having urges about watching porn and sometimes i end up opening utube for sexual videos , sometimes i even end up opening a porn page , but k9 always stops me.
right now i have k9 for my laptop , and i will install k9 in any laptop that i get , but i also have a smartphone which has google chrome or other browsers using which i can easily access porn, specially in a bad moment . right now i have uninstalled every browser and even google play store from my due to which i cant access porn from my phone.
but the fact that in a year or two i am going to have a smartphone with browsers and google play store makes me fear that i will end up watching porn at that time as well and hence i will have to live my life with unfulfilled desires, low energy etc. All these thoughts coupled with old porn memories , or fantasies of having sex with a girl ,and just the ringing of the bell in mind constantly saying go watch porn finally make me do it.
can someone please help about this topic.
maybe i should just wait for 90 days , expect no improvement in 90 days, keep myself away from any and absolutely any sorts of stress or bad thoughts and then once i am rebooted successfully , i will not watch porn again.
in these 44 days or i should say since august i have seen lots of improvements in my self. I have at least come to the point where i can concentrate in a 2 hr class without much difficulty. 1-2 year earlier i was not able to concentrate even for a single moment in any of my classes , (i am currently pursuing btech).Now i at least have mixed days , some days i have normal amount of energy , i can concentrate easily even when i am doing self study , i do not feel sleepy throughout the day after sleeping 7-8 hrs .But other days even 10-12 hrs sleep is not enough and i feel sleepy throughout the day or i for the majority of the day ,i am absolutely not able to concentrate no matter what (recently i had my exams , i was able to study for 3 exams , although this studying was also very inefficient , but in the other 2 exams i just couldn't study for a single minute).
these things give me hope that at least i will be able to live my life with some efficiency , unlike 2 years ago when i just couldn't do anything .But also this makes me feel that i will never be able to give my best in life ever , and i would have to deal with these good and bad days .
these thoughts coupled with porn urges make me relapse finally.
also just to mention , i have masturbated once a week during these 44 days.but always without porn or fantasies.
also i sometimes just keep thinking about past or the future , make fantasies in which i am just acting cool with my friends, interacting with girls and so on. perhaps to make myself feel good in my fantasies and as a medium of escape from the real world.
sorry for poor English and unorganized way of presenting my problems , if you feel you could not understand something , please write and i will try to make my point more clear.
please help.
i have noticed that usually whenever i relapse after these days , it is because of some bad thoughts .
for example i feel sleepy throughout the days for 4-5 days. bad thoughts about myself being less from my peers, exams not going well , not able to concentrate and so on. thoughts that i would never be able to have a normal life which everyone have , i.e life consisting of energy , life consisting of some concentration , not making too much fantasies and all. the symptoms of porn addiction , like sleepiness , loss of energy . loss of concentration will never go and i will have to lead a poor life.
all this leads to very depressing thoughts ., i keep on having urges about watching porn and sometimes i end up opening utube for sexual videos , sometimes i even end up opening a porn page , but k9 always stops me.
right now i have k9 for my laptop , and i will install k9 in any laptop that i get , but i also have a smartphone which has google chrome or other browsers using which i can easily access porn, specially in a bad moment . right now i have uninstalled every browser and even google play store from my due to which i cant access porn from my phone.
but the fact that in a year or two i am going to have a smartphone with browsers and google play store makes me fear that i will end up watching porn at that time as well and hence i will have to live my life with unfulfilled desires, low energy etc. All these thoughts coupled with old porn memories , or fantasies of having sex with a girl ,and just the ringing of the bell in mind constantly saying go watch porn finally make me do it.
can someone please help about this topic.
maybe i should just wait for 90 days , expect no improvement in 90 days, keep myself away from any and absolutely any sorts of stress or bad thoughts and then once i am rebooted successfully , i will not watch porn again.
in these 44 days or i should say since august i have seen lots of improvements in my self. I have at least come to the point where i can concentrate in a 2 hr class without much difficulty. 1-2 year earlier i was not able to concentrate even for a single moment in any of my classes , (i am currently pursuing btech).Now i at least have mixed days , some days i have normal amount of energy , i can concentrate easily even when i am doing self study , i do not feel sleepy throughout the day after sleeping 7-8 hrs .But other days even 10-12 hrs sleep is not enough and i feel sleepy throughout the day or i for the majority of the day ,i am absolutely not able to concentrate no matter what (recently i had my exams , i was able to study for 3 exams , although this studying was also very inefficient , but in the other 2 exams i just couldn't study for a single minute).
these things give me hope that at least i will be able to live my life with some efficiency , unlike 2 years ago when i just couldn't do anything .But also this makes me feel that i will never be able to give my best in life ever , and i would have to deal with these good and bad days .
these thoughts coupled with porn urges make me relapse finally.
also just to mention , i have masturbated once a week during these 44 days.but always without porn or fantasies.
also i sometimes just keep thinking about past or the future , make fantasies in which i am just acting cool with my friends, interacting with girls and so on. perhaps to make myself feel good in my fantasies and as a medium of escape from the real world.
sorry for poor English and unorganized way of presenting my problems , if you feel you could not understand something , please write and i will try to make my point more clear.
please help.