How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb

KeepUpTheGoodWork

Active Member
Hey everyone. I wrote a really long rough draft of this, and hopefully I can get it down to a readable length. I'm 34, originally from New Jersey, now living in California. I was laid off from my job of 12 years in January. I am currently studying for my PMP (Project Management Professional) Certification in hopes that it lands me a super sweet job that pays twice as much as my last one (one can hope, right?).

I'm one of the generation that is on the digital cusp. I had a computer in the house because my Dad worked in computers since I was young, but I didn't need to have one of my own until after college. My first cell phone spent most of its time dead in my truck's glove box.

I started seeking out porn when I was about 11 or 12 and discovered my Dad's mail-order VHS catalogs. At first the images (regular ol' sex) turned my stomach, but I still liked going back to look at them. Eventually I found some hidden tapes and I can still remember parts of them. At this point though, I didn't really know what I was doing and I didn't actually PMO for a few months into this whole discovery phase.

It was maybe a year later that I started getting more into the computer and I was doing simple game mods and writing my own MIDI songs to put into them. The music part stuck and I still write and play music to this day. Unfortunately, the other thing that stuck was internet porn - although I don't know if it exactly counts as high speed when you're waiting for an image to load....one.... pixel.....at......a.....time.

At this point, it almost wasn't worth it to find images online, and I think I had a fairly normal adolescence of just thinking about sexy things in my imagination. But soon the tech got better and I could find video clips (30 second clips were like a gift from God!) and I think you can guess what happened from there.

I lost my virginity at 15 years old but I also kept up my habit and it just escalated as the tech got better and better.

By the time I was in college, I would sometimes sneak a peek on my roommate's computer or I would use my Dad's when I was home.  Eventually I had my first regularly sexual relationship with a girl who had a boyfriend, and man was that exciting.  Not long after that stopped (read as: we got found out), I had my own girl and we had sex all of the time.

This is when I first started noticing some ED issues. I'm chalking that up to having some sort of sexual encounter, either sex or PMO, every single day.

Fast forwarding a little here - After college I had a rough patch - that girl dumped me and I started drinking more. I was living on my own and that's when I can confirm for a fact my daily habit became ingrained - morning and night, in bed. The truth is, it was probably already a daily habit, although I specifically remember being excited about having my privacy when I got my place.

I had two or three sexual encounters during that time, but each one was plagued with a little ED, really delayed ejaculation and all the accompanying anxiety about it.

Now, it's been about 10 years since that time. I've been dating a new girl for the last 2.5 years and I'm sure she's the one. It didn't take too long into our relationship to discover that we both masturbated daily. So we decided "hey, let's stop that and save it for when we get together". And that's when it hit me. I couldn't stop.

My longest abstinence streak in the last 2.5 years has been 21 days. I would tell my girl occasionally when I slipped, but not often enough. I actually stopped having my ED symptoms and otherwise, I function just fine down there, so it really hasn't been a physical issue. Emotionally however, it's taking its tool. I am showing all of the distance, objectification and other anti-social behaviors that go along with prolonged porn use. It's messing up my relationship.

In recent months, I've started trying filters and website blockers, but then I started using P-subs, and other work arounds.

Finally, two days ago, I was frustrated that I just couldn?t stop and I started reading yourbrainonporn and watching the reboot videos. It hit me like a bolt of lighting - I am out of control. And again, I confessed to my girlfriend as if it was all new to me. She reminded me of the other times I already figured it out, and I was shocked that I hadn?t actually remembered how badly I had hurt her in the past. I allowed myself to completely forget in my day-to-day and it slipped away. Using porn became more important all over again.

Despite that, she?s still supporting me and my decision to reach out for help.

Back in 2011, I ended up in AA as a part of a court order for a DUI. I sat and listened and thought, "I?m nothing like these guys." And honestly, I truly believe I don?t have a drinking problem. I can drink or not drink, I can have one, I can be social, and it doesn?t become an obsession. Not like porn does. I can?t dip my toe in these waters.

So with that...

My first goal is 7 days and then 30. I've never seen 30.


Oh and in case you were wondering, yeah my draft was longer...  :eek: :-[ :-X


Edit: eh, I had my real name in there and decided to take it out.
 

KeepUpTheGoodWork

Active Member
So far I'm really enjoying the stories on the forum and I'm feeling great about my decision to join up. The last few days haven't been that bad. I'm pretty into mindful meditation already (coming up on 100 days on headspace.com this week) and it always helps early in my reboot attempts. I don't know if I was clear in my last post but basically I've been trying a reboot for the last two and a half years, only once made it to 21 days, and have pretty much set myself back every 7 days or so. For now, my first week should be a breeze.

My habit usually entails abstaining until I see my girlfriend and then letting in to bingeing for a few days after. I'm hoping to cut all PMO from the equation.

I'm at my girlfriend's this weekend. I'll have to give a better update once I'm back home on Monday. Monday is usually my big failure day.

 

KeepUpTheGoodWork

Active Member
Well, I have a second to post, so I will while this is still fresh in my mind. This may contain triggers since it describes my sex this weekend. I'll try to keep it clean-ish.

Yesterday my gf and I had an oral-only day, which is something I asked her about doing sometime last month. It's one of two ways I know I can make her orgasm, so I pretty much always go down on her (like 99% of the time). I had asked if she would be willing to help me out more often. Which she was fine with.

So yesterday, that's what we did and it was fun. However, I did experience DE (maybe it was an hour, maybe 45 mins?!) and a little ED as well. [Edit: I ended up recalling a scene with a pornstar I like and eventually I came. I don't know why I left this out. Embarrassed? Lying to myself?] That has always been a problem with me and receiving. I'm hoping this reboot will help because it's something we both enjoy. Unfortunately, with how things are working down there, we pretty much have to block out our calendars to make it happen.

These issues while receiving have been around for quite a while (maybe over 10 years) and I think as I write in the journal I remember more about my issues than I did when I first posted. That's fine.

After we finished yesterday, I did feel very out of it (like a hangover) which I don't know if I've felt before or if I'm putting all new labels on things since I've been reading so much lately. I guess time will tell.

Well that's all I've got for now. Until next time...
 

KeepUpTheGoodWork

Active Member
Well, I've been counting the minutes and I've just hit my first 7 days. There is something different about this time so far. I feel good, educated and empowered to do all the right things.

I think the forum has a lot to do with it. Maybe on my own, I felt... well, alone. But I like trying to help and discuss things in the forum.

I've felt almost no cravings this entire week. It's bizarre. Maybe I've also successfully avoided triggers as well. It's very early to tell what is going on.

The only thing left to do is increase my goal to 30 days and go for it.

Edit: I needed to save this image!
hp8q4Wc.png
 

KeepUpTheGoodWork

Active Member
Well as of today, I've done 100 meditation sessions with headspace. I'm pretty happy with that. Unfortunately, it's not a 100 day streak (that would be awesome) but it's still progress and streaking isn't a requirement.

The daily meditations have been great and I've learned a lot about myself. I have one more session to go in my Patience pack and from there I might try the acceptance pack. The patience pack is interesting because it happened to coincide with a lesson on patience that I read on Purity is Possible. I had to make the connection for myself, but it's not tough.

Really the idea is to find patience, generosity and kindness within ourselves first and then simply apply that feeling to those around us.

It's amazing and it changes you. It's changed me. I've learned to be more generous with myself. Now that I am almost done with patience, I'm learning that it's very similar and having patience with myself is going to be very huge in my reboot.

Have a thought (craving) and label it, oh that's a craving, and let it be. Don't act on it, or try to push it away. Notice it, and carry on. Be generous with my patience. Have repeated cravings all day? It's okay, don't be frustrated. Feel the cravings and label them. "Oh! There's that craving again." And move on.

So far my reboot hasn't been all that bad. Last night before bed I felt the cravings and an aching that I usually associate with my craving, but I just lived with them. I noticed that they became more pronounced when I decided to play some video games. So, now I'm wary of how video games may be a trigger for me (oh please god, no!). I'll just have to be mindful of it.

Then last night I had a sex dream with my girlfriend and it was so intensely good. I didn't have a wet dream but it was the first sex dream I  have had in a long time.

I was trying to figure out why I seem to be having these feelings so early in my reboot and I've decided that it's not really early in it. Technically, I already went 7 days prior to my last PMO and before that, it was like 10 days. So for some, that would be near 30 days progress with two relapses.

Actually, that's been my life for the last 2.5 years. So, I don't know. I'll just keep reporting what's going on.
 

KeepUpTheGoodWork

Active Member
Something was bugging me about my counter. How did I hit 7 days clean on the 22nd when I PMO'd on the 16th?  Turns out I miscalculated my streak and added a free day. So, today is the real 7 day-streak, but since I've already updated it to a new 30 day goal. I'm just gonna roll with it.

If anyone notices the change - I didn't relapse - just a regular lapse in math skills ;-)
 

KeepUpTheGoodWork

Active Member
I've been reading a bit about identifying triggers and I think this might be a good place to jot them down in case anyone else also experiences these. I'll make a separate post that will become my list, and I'll modify it as I experience more.

In the last two days, I've noticed that I have been triggered although I did a good job of recognizing it in the moment (or after a minute or two) and moved on.

The first was when another member on the forums was posting about Olympics triggers. I thought, "oh heck yeah, there were plenty of great looking bodies on there." I did actually remark to my girlfriend over the weekend that the TV cameras did a pretty good job of keeping things waist-up, but I noticed because I was actively trying to get a peek!

Anyway, a member here mentioned "a certain Swiss beach volleyball player" in his post and I didn't know who he was talking about. TRIGGERED. I had to find out. So I started google image searching to see for myself. I don't know if I actually found the individual he was talking about, but I realized within a minute or so that I was pretty much just looking at ALL the bikinis and butts in front of me. I shut it down and thought - Wow, this is a real thing.

The other trigger occurred yesterday, but to a lesser extent I think. I didn't get too worked up by it. I was at the gym and a TMZ segment came on about a certain reality celeb at the beach. The segment was actually about the fact that she hired a look-alike to run around the beach in the exact same bathing suit she was wearing and have a great bod. Meanwhile, later in the day, a much flabbier version of herself appeared sunning on the deck. I watched it, enjoying the bikini babe, when I realized that the woman next to me was also watching the show. I felt instantly embarrassed and judged, even though she was also watching and I just turned away and kept watching the NFL network.

Oh, I just remembered another one! Probably the biggest one. I had blocked Facebook about a year ago because it was interfering with my work. Every time I opened a browser at work (which was a lot, part of my job included internet research) I automatically typed "face" and it came right up.  Before I knew it, I would be 30 mins into reading political articles and arguing with people with whom I didn't agree. I told my gf about it and she told me that she actually unfollowed everyone. I tried this and it worked! If I ever wanted to see what someone was doing, I would have to look them up, instead of being force-fed what everyone was posting. Great! But, I still clicked endlessly on the trending news. It was when I received a "like" on a particularly politically heated comment by one of my coworkers that I realized my privacy was being compromised and I didn't want that sort of thing out there - especially not to be "liked" by a coworker. So I blocked it altogether at work and at home. I kept it active on my phone, but I didn't find myself using as often. I would accept new friends and that was about it.

That is, until yesterday! I hopped on to accept a friend request from a new contact (in the music business) and it started recommending some new people to me. Some of those people happened to be very attractive female singers. I'm even friends with some of them. And before I knew it, I was creeping on Facebook, for about 10 mins. I caught myself again and said whoa, I haven't creeped on Facebook in AGES. It's been forever, literally years and years, since I did that.

Now, I didn't M or even get an erection from any of this, but I could see how it's a slippery slope. My brain was looking, searching for a fix. Maybe in a way, it wasn't enough to get me really excited, but I was trying.

It makes me sad to think about this. I guess that's really why I'm here and how I know I truly have an issue. Subconsciously, I continuously undermine my own efforts. Okay we're avoiding porn now, so how about a little extra cleavage in some girl's promo shots?

It's a shame what porn has done to me. It's horrific to think that I can look at someone I consider a friend in that way. Seriously, fuck this disease. Fuck it so hard.

 

KeepUpTheGoodWork

Active Member
Identifying My Triggers

For this post I want to keep a running list of: a) The trigger, b) Any thoughts I have that make it okay to view P, c) A description of how my Reaction Sequence* feels, physically and emotionally

1. Any semi-sexual image of a woman. This can be on Facebook, TV, movies, Imgur, news articles, Youtube. Anywhere. If I see any extra skin, I'm hooked and I'm likely to keep looking.
  • The thoughts that make it okay to view P in this case are typically from escalation. It might start with just feeling good by having an erection. Then, maybe some stimulation. Then edging. Then oops, I'll do better next time.
  • The reaction sequence includes some tightening in my chest and elevated heart rate. I feel the need to find another image and another. Emotionally, I'm a battleground. My little angel says no, no, no and my devil says we just want to feel good for a minute and then we'll stop.

2. It seems that I get a craving when I struggle to understand something. I typically understand things on sight (I've been a member of MENSA practically my whole life), but when I struggle with a concept, be it school work or a difficult pattern in music, I start to get foggy.
  • The thoughts that make it okay to view P include the rationalization that it will clear my head so I can get back to work and regain my focus
  • The reaction sequence includes fogginess, total loss of concentration and inclination to distraction. I feel the frustration in my groin physically. I may eat, get fidgety, surf the web, talk with coworkers or view porn - it's a total loss of concentration and all my vices kick in at the same time. If I smoked, I would probably do that. Emotionally, I get agitated and frustrated.

3. When I am tired. This one is interesting because I pretty much want sex when I wake up and when I go to bed. It could be years of conditioning myself to PMO in bed. I'll revise this one as I figure it out.
  • The thoughts that make it okay to view P in this case typically involve me being horny, but unable to have an erection without P. So I need the P to get it up in these cases. It could be that I am tired, or it could be ED. Time will tell, I think. I tell myself that I'll PMO to be able to go to sleep faster. In the morning, I would basically edge until I said, okay, fuck it, you've come this far, just finish. Now that I am having better morning wood, I don't need the porn to get very hard, but I am still waking up horny as hell.
  • The reaction sequence includes some sleeplessness and tossing and turning, then pillow grinding, fogginess, tunnel vision (big time), and a dreamy quality, as if I'm half-awake when this occurs. The tipping point is when the pants come off.

*Triggers are called such because they induce permissive thoughts and cravings. When cravings occur a person experiences a cognitive effect in which his attention constricts onto the object of his cravings, a physiological effect in which his muscles may tense, palms become sweaty, eyes dilate, heart rate increases, etc., and a behavioral effect in which he acts to satisfy the cravings. This cognitive-physiological-behavioral state is called a reaction sequence.
 

KeepUpTheGoodWork

Active Member
Last night I was really fighting some urges. I ended up M for a few minutes, but wasn't really into it. It was like a half-flatline. I didn't use any outside stimuli, but then I started thinking about my gf and our last time together, and then I started remembering some images from P and I stopped myself all together. I know I'm not supposed to fantasize and think about that stuff when I M. So, I put it away for another day. I also reminded myself that my gf was staying with me this weekend and that really, what am I waiting, like another day? Yeah, it was time to get some self control.

I was also really excited to get some sleep and start today because I only have a few things to do and then my day is wide open. I just finished the third class in my certification and I'm schoolwork-free for a few weeks. My plan today is gym, library, haircut. Super simple!

This morning I woke up pretty refreshed and other than having MW, I pretty much got right out of bed. I started a Headspace pack on Acceptance. The idea behind this one is to not be more accepting of people and situations, but to figure out how to know if I am resisting something. Since it's the first day, the meditation was on the phrase "Who or What am I resisting?". From there, we don't seek an answer, only a feeling. You drop the question in the well, and see how it makes you feel.

I felt sad. I don't know why, and I'm not really supposed to figure out why yet. I have some suspicions - the 3rd anniversary of Mom's passing is on Saturday, so it could be that I'm resisting feeling that emotion. Or since I dedicated my meditation to my gf, I felt sad about how upset she was during our last fight.

I may not know what I am resisting right away, but after 15 minutes, I could tell that this is hitting a sore spot already. I look forward to figuring it out. I can see how this will help in my struggle against PMO in that I need to know when I am resisting urges and cravings. Setting them aside will only make them worse, so I need to learn how to let them flow and then let that river slide right by me.
 

KeepUpTheGoodWork

Active Member
This morning I woke up extremely distracted. It may have something to do with the somewhat prolonged video game session I allowed myself to have yesterday. I don't do this too often (maybe twice a month) but I had nothing to do and at around 3 PM or so, I started playing with the intent to play for a few hours. I took an hour break to talk to my gf, but ultimately played until about 8 PM.  So like around 4-5 hours in total.

I was able to sleep just fine but I had really bizarre and busy dreams. Some were about the game. One was about a sexual experience with an old gf. We didn't have sex in the dream, but an exaggerated version of that specific unique situation was happening again. It wasn't exciting, it was gross.

I woke up earlier than usual - around 5:30 as opposed to 6:30 - and I just could not keep my hands off my junk. I kept playing with myself, getting semi-hard, and thinking about my gf. However, the whole time I was experiencing extreme tunnel vision to the point that I feel like I was still asleep. I would stop and roll over and start dreaming again for a while. Like 45 minute naps. Then half awake/ half asleep, I would start playing with myself again.  This happened until I finally got a jolt of reality and really woke up at around 8.

I went through my morning routine and tried meditating. No meditation session is a bad one, but I still could not focus. This time I was feeling anxiety about a job I am going to apply to. It would require a move to another town, and I don't know if I want that. I still need to apply to the job though. It's pretty perfect for me on paper. So anyway, I just bumbled through my meditation, never achieving good focus for the exercise.

Now, I'm feeling very tired and anxious about getting a bunch of stuff done. My brain is in hyperdrive, coming up with new things constantly. People to call, work to be done around the house, writing a cover letter, etc.

It's enough craziness that I am making caffeinated coffee, which I quit drinking more than a year ago and only drink every once in a while now.

Are these withdrawal symptoms? Or was it the video games? I was very agitated and irritable yesterday. I couldn't shake the thoughts of conversations that never happened. Getting in fights with people in my mind. It makes me nervous because when I'm like this, I tend to be rude to my gf, and I don't want that. We had such a great weekend last weekend, I don't want to backslide. [Edit: in hindsight, I was rude to her on Saturday morning and it caused a fight. If I knew it would happen, why didn't I try to stop it?]

It makes me wonder if, in times of anxiety or uncertainty, I put extra pressure on myself to get busy because then I might not get around to the thing that's bothering me. In those instances I might also PMO because it's just another way to procrastinate (I love the word procrasturbate).

I don't know. I just don't know. It's an extreme urge to just go, go, go and get things done. But it doesn't feel good. It feels like I want to scream.
 

KeepUpTheGoodWork

Active Member
So Friday ended up being very productive after my initial freak out. I was definitely in panic mode, but I was able to enter really deep focus at one point and applied to a job. I also got the house all cleaned and ready for my cousin, his wife and my gf to visit.

Anyway, I don't want to ramble too long, like my other posts. We had a good weekend and I experienced no cravings. We had sex on Friday night and I think I had what I would call premature E and a separate O immediately afterward. It was almost like a double, but more like the ejaculation didn't quite line up with the O itself. I can only hope it will get better.

Today, we were going to have sex, but then she wasn't too into it and we stopped. I'm feeling disappointed, but I know it's a good test because my first instinct is to fire up some P and finish the job. However, I think she is going to come again next week, so it's a matter of me waiting it out.

This might be my first true test!  Also, I'm close to 12 days, which isn't a record yet, but definitely so far the easiest 12 ever. I don't know how this is going so well, but it would seem that it's almost easy. After failing for the last two years, I know it's not, so I dunno wtf is up, but I'll take it.
 

KeepUpTheGoodWork

Active Member
This morning, I was back to my same old routine. Lying in bed and feeling pressure in my groin. When I want to M, I feel it in my groin like an ache. I sort of just let it be, but occasionally played with myself. Before I knew it though, I was looking through pics on Facebook (consider that blocked for the time being) and really playing with myself. After a while, I put the phone away and started just using my hand, trying to stay in the moment. And it worked! But I kept thinking that this isn't what I want to do. Not yet.

I battled with myself, edging, but saying stop. And I eventually did stop. No P, no O. I'm trying to come up with my trigger, but I am not sure what it was in this case. It could just be my bed and the old habits associated with it.

I will need to start trying to get up instantly instead of lounging around. Even though I wake up on my own around 6:30, I tend to lounge for an hour or more. The roomies are asleep and I don't feel like getting out of bed. I'll need to figure something out. Maybe some tea and reading, or job searching.
 

KeepUpTheGoodWork

Active Member
Yesterday ended up being a long one, and a test of my newly found patience. I was a little scattered after that edging episode, but it wasn't too bad. I read about making a plan, which I will start work on today. From there I hit the gym for a short workout before heading home.

I met with an old friend for lunch, which was nice, but truth be told, I didn't know him all that well before this. We played in a band together, but only saw each other at rehearsals and shows. So anyway, on his way over to the place, his engine light came on and we ended up spending the afternoon together at the mechanic's. Once we got his car checked in, I went to see his new place and hang out for a while. He got high (I don't partake) and we played video games. It was alright and he is likable, we just never hung out in length before and after about 5 hours I really needed to get going.

As I said, it was a good exercise in reframing and patience. I think I did very well - I didn't feel too anxious or restless and I was able to just go with the flow.

This morning I woke up early again and played with myself again. I got really hard fairly quickly and almost M'd to O before I put the brakes on and got out of bed. I was surprised about how quickly I was ready to finish. I thought a little bit about my gf, no porn imagery, but I don't like that. I think it objectifies my gf, so I'm working away from that habit. So, I was up at 6:30, made tea and oatmeal and read the forums. Now I need to meditate, shower and work on my plan.

I know one thing is for sure. At least during my reboot, I want to save an O for sex only. I don't want to M with or without porn. This is my version of hardmode I guess. I won't reset my counter unless I view porn, but I'm thinking that maybe I should reword it to include MO. I don't know. It sounds very difficult.

Maybe that's why I need to do it.
 

KeepUpTheGoodWork

Active Member
This morning I woke up earlier still - probably 4:30 AM or so. I really struggled with sleepiness and M and edging a little too. When I did, I tried to stay in the moment, but I kept fantasizing about my gf. Eventually I mustered up enough willpower to stop and take a cold shower, somewhere a little before 6AM.

Now, I've just had my breakfast and tea, and I'm doing my morning read through the forums. My meditation wasn't all that great because I kept having bizarre dream-like thoughts and distractions. Maybe I was too tired or still half asleep.

I need to fly home last minute it seems, perhaps tomorrow, and I am a little wary of doing that. Being at my parents' empty house usually causes me to relapse. I've not been able to get through a visit without doing it.

I presume it's from anxiety and grief. Also, the house is pretty creepy and I would use PMO to fall asleep faster. I don't think I'll actually have to stay there, but I know that all these emotions will come flooding in.

I just need to look at it like a new challenge - face my grief and distress head on, get the house ready for the estate sale and closing, and then wrap it up nicely.

Dealing with Dad is going to be rough too, so hopefully I can keep my cool while we let him go through the house. It's going to be tough telling him that he has to give so much away.

Anyway, my plan to go to the gym is foiled today by a sore back. If I am going to be doing stuff at home, I need to let it relax. Funny how I always seem to get a flare up right as I am going home. This started before I found out I had to go, but I think the last three times, I was almost unable to walk because of the pain. It only happens once or twice a year and lately, any time I have to go to NJ. WTF?
 

KeepUpTheGoodWork

Active Member
I woke up at a pretty normal time for me today at about 6 AM. No alarms set, that's just when I get up. I struggled again with this morning wood/ masturbating thing but maybe for not as long this time - about 10 mins. I seem to have very sexual feelings when I wake up that are hard to ignore. I'm secretly (not so secretly) hoping I'll have a wet dream to alleviate some of this restlessness.

Today, as I was waking up, I was thinking of an actress from about 10 years ago who also did Playboy. I saw those pics when it came out and they were just running through my head. Before I knew it, I was playing with myself and thinking of her and my gf. I realized that I was edging and I stopped. No P, no O, although I was closer than yesterday. I'm struggling to keep to my promise of no O without a partner, although the porn part really hasn't been an issue.

So anyway, I spent my day yesterday reading the entire Your Brain On Porn book. It was so interesting and I learned some things about my own addiction that I guess I knew, but needed to be brought into the light. I see myself re-reading it a few times.

I remember back to feelings of HOCD at some point, using tranny porn, gay porn a few times, but also rejecting those things more often than not. I used cams for a while, but never paid for them. Kinda got over that. The thing for me was the novelty of new. So I backed off my extreme porn use and instead just ramped up the quantity.

I also started seeing correlations to my overeating habits (and despair about my weight about 10 years ago) and my drinking habits (abstinence followed by the occasional binge) and realized that I have a highly addicted mind in general. If all addictions are basically equal, I need to concentrate on not using my other addictions as a crutch for getting through porn. Instead I should maybe try to make them all a part of the same package deal.

One good thing I've noticed is that my memory (and perhaps general positive regard) of porn is somewhat fading. I've spent a lot of time reading about porn lately (maybe too much exposure to it, so I'll be dialing it back) and every time something new is mentioned, I know I should have a reference for that in my head. I've been noticing that my recall of specific porn-things is a little cloudy. It's not as sharp of a memory for me. So, even in the morning when I've been playing with myself, my porn-stuff recall hasn't been that strong and I've been able to stay away. The thoughts of my gf are much more vivid.

Well now that I am awake, I don't really feel all the horniness and desire I was feeling this morning. I have lots to do today and my back is still sore, so I'll skip the gym in hopes that I'm good for the weekend. I'm heading home to NJ to help with the estate sale and there is going to be some lifting. It's also going to be very emotional and there are triggers everywhere.

It's going to be a nice, long 15 day test to get to my 30 days. If I can make it through the withdrawals and extra triggers, I can make it through anything. So far, I've been a trooper. I can keep this momentum going. I know it.

 

fapfreezone

Active Member
15 days is good, you should be pleased with that in itself. It's easy to see those hundred day counters and think that 15 days is nothing, but it isn't nothing, it's significant progress.

As for the alcohol, I very rarely drink so I haven't tested this in many social scenarios, but I have tested it in some. What I do is every third drink is non-alcoholic. This comes from a strategy I was recommended at school as a teenager to avoid getting wasted and getting alcohol poisoning, which was to have every other drink water. When I do the school version, I just don't get drunk so there's no point in drinking really, hence the adaption. If you did do it, though and it became a habit, it might ease the binges so you don't have so much and you don't have such a bad hangover either. As long as I don't start drinking until after my evening meal, I won't get wasted on the third drink non-alcoholic plan, which is why I do it. It still allows me to drink, but without the embarrassment, cost, weight gain and so on of getting wasted. I also have a common sense rule of no "silly" drinks, like those from my student days, such as quadruple vodka and coke or yard of ale.

N.B. I hope the atomic bomb is PMO and not your penis!
 

KeepUpTheGoodWork

Active Member
@FapFreeZone - Thanks for the kind words and insight. I've definitely tried adding a few non-alcoholic drinks between alcoholic ones before and it certainly works. I'm generally very comfortable with my drinking habits and will occasionally just keep knocking them back. The occasions are few and far in-between (I don't usually keep alcohol in the house, for example) but every once in a while - maybe once every two months - I'll feel like having a beer with dinner and will proceed to finish the entire six pack. I think my general mindfulness is allowing me to see these bad habits more than I had before.

I'm considering taking what I've learned of my porn habits - triggers, escalation patterns, reaction sequence, etc - and applying it to my drinking and eating habits.

For example, I think I might be triggered to drink or eat more when I am alone. I can have a single beer when with friends, but if the place is empty and I have a beer, I might have two, then three, etc. I am also more apt to allow myself to grab a fast food meal than if they are around. Interestingly, I don't think being alone is my porn trigger. Certainly I've done it while they were gone, but I don't get the same gooseflesh when the house is empty for porn as I do a hamburger.

This is all very good self reflection. As I mentioned in another post, I'm typically on my way to better fitness, hitting the gym regularly for 7 months now - down 15 lbs, off my blood pressure meds - eating mostly protein and veggies.

This feels like I'm recognizing additional bad habits from focusing on my porn habit. I'm making connections every day like "Hey, I should stop eating Taco Bell for dinner when my friends leave." I hope I find that I am not addicted to these other substances.

Edit: I think I'm the atom bomb. I started calling my personal journal this around when the U2 album came out because at the time, I felt like a bomb ready to go off. As I go through my life, I realize that I still am.
 

KeepUpTheGoodWork

Active Member
Well I only have a few minutes to write because I am heading to the airport. Today, for the first time in a while, I got right up with my alarm with very little craving to M. I didn't really feel like snoozing. So I got up, did my meditation, which was better but still a little distracted (maybe I'm still too tired in the morning, so I'm falling into daydreaming), then I hopped in the shower and got ready.

I'm a little anxious about the flight, but it isn't causing any urges to PMO. So, I feel good, and I'm starting to feel more "manly" if that makes sense. Well, I need to leave in a bout 10 minutes so I'm going to go.

I'll journal when I can while I'm in NJ.
 
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