Journal - Day 1 done at 10am CST today 2/7/17

Day 1 started yesterday after sex call for what I hope is the last time.  I have been addicted to this stuff for some 40 years.  HSIP definitely accelerated it but was there first time I saw nude woman.

I am an "issues underlying" guy - tough tough times for my family -
Looking at nude women made it all go away.  These issues haunt for sure - but as William One and Done says - do the hard 90 and then See where you are. First things
First.  So one day in - last night utter hell- couldn't sleep and started having waves of panic fear and
Anxiety.  Thought I was going to black out or die - just tried to breathe slowly and said this isn't real - I can make it thru thus without porn - after 30 minutes relief - cousins sleep but the fear anxiety and doom was gone.  Small step but building block from Day 1.

Fear of job failure has been trigger for long time - not even sure how it all
Connects at this point -  but not going to intellectualize this at that time.
Believe this disease likes us to try to fight it intellectually as it wins every time
Then.  Must be fought with knowledge for sure but just do the time as William
and see where you are.

Couple of questions - fear of job has been trigger for long long time.  Having to get up and start
worrying all the time sends me to porn.  Would like to spend a few days waking and not dealing with work - just rest some at home - with a peaceful mind.  Am I coping out there ?

27 hours without porn - self loathing and fear that I should have
to pay for all the wasted time I have neglected family and wife.  All because so afraid to engage for fear of failing - and now I feel like I truly have.  And deserve bad consequences for this stuff.

Drank 2 Diet Cokes and dipped to get relief - always another crutch - they work for few minutes and then it is worse - once stopped feel bad but not as bad as when I do it.  Seeems there is more acceptance when without caffeine and nicotine - painful but not as intimidating - wow what have I'd done - what have I done.

Must embrace this and fight on - 90 days 90 days 90 days - trust that the landscape will be different.  I don't want to die away at a computer screen for the rest of my life.  There is something better - a peace that passerby all understands I hope.

More thoughts  - the desire to use porn doesn't rally hit me - but these fears that existed before HSID are really overwhelming - I sometimes feel I have fear disorder as opposed to porn need.

I just want the fears to go away - been there for 43 years - don't really know how I made it this far

Depression thick - seems as if I won't make it to help us financially and dread the day tomorrow - no desire to use porn at all -  but these horrible feelings are why I did use it.  Now I just sit in dread and fear.  Very very scary

Hi Parhutch,

This is really tough, but pushing through will be worth it. I'm just at the beginning of the journey like you, but even after a week, I'm feeling quite a bit better, still lots of cravings and still a struggle but life generally has more hope. Remember this is a journey, and there is no point whatsoever in beating yourself up about what has gone on before, we can only deal with today.

I identify with your first day, I'm not sure what happened to me, I'd done a couple of days before, without the craziness this time - maybe my brain had figured out I was actually serious, if that makes any sense. But I woke up on the second day, with a general feeling of extreme anxiety, with no specific cause. I didn't have any big meetings or anything unusual to do. But I felt like I was just about to go and stand infront of 1000 people. I checked my blood pressure and it was way up (158/90), almost went to the doctor and would have done if by the next day it hadn't settled down.

By day 3 all had settled down BP back to normal and the feelings had settled.

Finding ways to relive the stress, would be good - home alone, whilst chilled, might not be such a good plan. Walking is my thing, I live in the country. But also doing a gym class helps me  a lot. Did a "Body Pump" class last night, went feeling very snappy, (bit the head off the receptionist at the gym), but throwing weights around in a friendly atmosphere, to music relived the tension, apologized to the receptionist came home very calm.

I've also started a mindfulness course which is beginning to be pretty helpful. The meditation exercises really help.

I'm no expert but from what you say you may need to seek some professional help to work through your fear and anxiety.

I've been working through the steps suggested by Noah Church in his book "Wack" and found spending a good amount of time writing an autobiography has really helped me get some perspective. I'm working on my goals over the next couple of days.

I hope these ramblings are some help

Remember you are not doing this alone

M

Hi Parhutch.  Thanks for your kind words.  I walked, once, where you are walking now.  I felt, once, what you are feeling now.  Let go of punishing yourself for doing something to yourself that you did not know was even possible.  We only discovered porn addiction was possible, recently, because, only recently, did we invent a way to become addicted:  High Speed Internet Porn.  Like all of our addictions, "our" being humanity, we invented it.  OK, so now you know.  Your eyes are open.  You are doing well.  Keep writing.  It helps.

Yes, every day is an eternity.  You must hit 90.  You have to embrace the impossible thought:  I can, I will, quit, and I will never go back.  Though it feels like you are dying, you must think:  If I feel like dying, every day, for the rest of my life, every single, fucking, day, that is what I AM going to feel, every single day, if that is what I have to feel to quit. 

You will not die, I promise you, but you will feel like you are.  You are going to have to swim out, way out, into the deep water, way out beyond the surf. Then, one day, out in your future, you will wake up, and the thought of using will not even occur to you.  The pain will go away.  You won't even miss it anymore.

Time to take off your chains.

Peace.

William One And Done. 

Be kind to yourself, Parhutch. Jesus - you sound raw and full of pain. You're doing the right thing - trying to take back control. But your brain's so used to the chemicals that slosh around after your HSIP that certain parts of it are feeling pretty pissed with you right now. I;m afraid you have to deal with that discomfort, like we all do. And in your better moments, it sounds like you need to get a grip of this job insecurity. That's a massive trigger for me, and was at the root of my slip a while back. I;m sure you've had a lot of successes, large and small, in your career. Maybe you could take a little time to think about them, remember them, and acknowledge what you're good at, because i get the impression that you're pretty good at being hard on yourself. But stick with it. Painful as it might be, you're doing the right thing.

Thanks Matt, William and WIP,

Yeah I am damn good at being critical of myself - learned that as child of Alcoholic.

So glad to get some feedback - did sleep little better last night.
I am a CPA who got into accounting because already making bad decisions due to fear. Father was dying of alcoholism and we were losing our home.  Thought it would be best thing at that time but never even considered did I like it.  Have not liked it but also started using the light porn at that time
To handle it and lots of alcohol.  Stopped alcohol in 1988 - wasn't even hard but the porn was still there and felt better to be honest.

Now income is precarious and just don't feel like facing that fear every day - right now so damn tired
and shaky.  Head feels light - feel like I am going to just drop. Laying down right now.  Also drinking Diet Coke and dipping - it settles me briefly but not that long.

But 48 hours in now and like Matt said have done this before and never felt this bad  -
but as Matt said never been this serious either.  Almost like the demon knows wow the SOB is really trying to fight - need to really crush him now.

Lot said - but 2 days in and keep the porn away and alll sexual thoughts.
To be honest feel too damn bad to do anything.

Actually engaged with work from home - frustrating day but still felt little clarity after doing so -
take good feeling where you can.  May have actually found another business opportunity as well - but anxiousness sets in thinking something good might happen.  That feels weird -
Fearing something good - but goes with territory it seems.

Still big question for me - hitting Diet Coke and dip heavy - calming but also hypes me also - don't these are good in this recovery - but it helps right now - appreciate all and all thoughts here.

I have this gut feeling I am getting a high from this that is the high we are trying to avoid - but would be nice to have it in these early days.  But if it defeats the Hard 90 - it
Ain't worth the risk.  Right now haven't seen it trigger porn desire.

I understand the hell of withdrawal -  but I am also thinking I have some feelings that are really good.  Would be happy to move thru life with them.  Only 2 and half days in - but I am
very grateful for them.  Just knowing I have faced the beast makes me feel better than when I
rolled over for it - day after day - hour after hour.

DAY 3 COMPLETE

not all bad either - this morning woke up calm - don't have to go to work as office being moved.  That is a relaxe right there as the work thing and failure are a big problem
for me.  Plus don't really like accounting I think.  Actually not big on business at soon-feeling is first motivation is greed not helping the customer - but things I can't change and maybe wrong anyway.

I am a now 3 day newbie who really doesn't know a damn thing about how to live life.
But I am 3 days down the road and have some good moments mixed
with the hellish ones.  Pretty grateful - finishing this life up without any more
Porn Panic.  See where life rolls out from there.

GOD BLESS - A BELIEVER & SINNER

 

No porn desire for 3 days at all - plenty of depression and anxiety - all stemming from fear of not having enough money to live rest of life - had the fear at 18 and every day since - literally scared
Everyday of work going wrong.  Without a doubt using porn just totally erased this fear for years and ate up hours in the day when scared to work.  Most jobs have ended
in failure.  And porn was big part of that so hard mode on that for rest of life
- but this fear issue is what I think about it not porn now.  Haven't really thought about PMO
once in 3 days.  But fear is constant.  I am so stymied by it. 

So now beset with depression - dopamine loss from excessive
porn but also the fear is alive and well besetting anxiety.

I just never have found the answer to it.  Porn has to go as it prevents finding the answer -  but stopping it won't kill the fear.

Just PMOed.  Couldn't face fear of work and just wanted drug to escape.  Reading about brain changes I think my was changing due to emotional hell of my late childhood.  The stress there was already chemically changing my brain.  All the alcohol porn caffeine nicotine just added on.  This is 40!years of that activity - scary to read that long term abuse of brain could be irreversible
- God I hope not - but the porn is only one symptom - so much else needs to change - Diet obviously porn but also nicotine caffeine sugar - all hurting brain recovery - it makes me wonder
if it is too late for someone my agen(65).  Very down - but giving up just not an
option - I feel my story has to be run to its course so it can help
others. 

So the hard 90 starts over while exploring more of the neuronscience behind brain addiction.
Hopefully find some professional help - though money is not good right now.





The

Depression and loathing really picked up with fear of course - so intense feels like dying and
how do I get thru it - after 45 minutes or so - some relenting - just got to believe we are meant to see something better.

Howdy -

A fellow ACOA here. I share some of the consequences of that environment and the resulting fear, self-loathing, fear of abandonment, etc. Makes the "normal" world seem very hard. I can recommend a great book on that topic if you are interested. Also, can relate to ending up in a career I did not really choose, rather was pushed into and now find very stressful and difficult to continue. I do find some relief in seeking to bring some light and joy to the people with whom I work and seeking to be a positive influence. I figure at least that can matter even if the business itself could care less about human beings. It helps to find some way you can contribute that feels good even if the work itself does not. I think of it as feeling good about your work even if you do not love the work.

I also use nicotine (vaping) mostly to help me cope with work and stay focused. I don't think it really has much effect on my ability to avoid acting out though it probably does create some additional edginess at times. So far I have not tried to tackle quitting that too. Not sure I can handle too many stressors at once.


Also just had my first slip (no porn but M to non-porn pictures) after 30+ days. It sucks to make it so far and have to start over but I can say it is and was well worth the effort to get as far as I have. I did not experience any miraculous changes but there was a subtle shift underway. A sense of clarity and slowly emerging strength and self-worth. I know I want that to continue so I feel confident I will learn from this experience and continue on the path to freedom. There is something on the other side. I got a taste and I want more.

I encourage you to keep going.

Thanks, New!  Really appreciate everything said.  I know the stressors that exist beyond porn are pretty awesome.  But they didn't seem as insurmountable for most
of the 72 hours without PMO.  Within couple of hours of PMO -they roared back.

Porn is something I can choose or not choose - other stuff not so much. So fight the battle of
porn for now.  Pray the strength gained can help the other.

Well back to day without porn - terrible night -  but got to my wife's function to support her.

And got hair cut after way too long.  After that felt better then came home to big dose of fear and depression.  Big golfer and love the game - haven't played much at all while coming face to face with this back in December.  Hit some balls around yard - about only thing that truly feels good
for me.  Anyway one day back in and don't feel quite so bad right now.

Still coming to terms with got to work rest of life for these wasted years - try to set things right. First is get rid of this fucking addiction.  Nothing happens until that happens.

2 days in - back to fear of everything - but not as bad as it is if use PMO

Really do believe issues that underly porn use are big - it is one thing to be worried about getting a hard on again - whole another thing when you are talking about surviving life itself.  Porn for me was purely a way to numb negative feelings about life.  Hardly ever used it last 10 yrs just because I was horny.

Addiction runs lot deeper than abusing a substance i.e. dopamine in our case.