My way out of the swamp

Red Bear

Active Member
Hello, everybody.
This is my story. Sorry about my clumsy English, it's not my native language.
I am 40 years old, was married 2 times, lived an active sexual life and never had sexual problems until this year (except for one case of PA several years ago). When I was young, MO was often thing to do, sometimes even during marriage - when I was away from home. I saw P first time only when I was 20, and it was vanilla stuff on video. Encountered high-speed internet-porn when I was around 30, but didn't watch it regularly. For the last 2 years it become more often, and eventually it caused DE, and then ED. I never had an addiction to it - it was just a way to relax, I watched some short videos in Inernet, jerked off, and then returned to casual every day things. It's interesting that I always understood deep in my soul, that PMO is harmful - because I felt that it's getting harder to get O when I did MO without P. When I would stop PMO (switching back to sex with girls) the system recovered quickly and I would forget about it. The last couple of years were not very happy, so I would PMO very often, every day, sometimes 3-4 times a day. I felt first symptoms of DE in this February (hard to get an O.), it frustrated me. In June I started to constrain myself: prohibited to watch videos (only pictures of naked girls), and in the end of July I even disallow myself to watch any naked bodies, just MO every three days. I started to feel a little better, O would come more easy.

The catasrophe occured in the end of August. On a dating site I met a beautiful girl (or I should say a golden-haired blue-eyed angel), brought her to my home and tried sex. Starting relationship before cured was a mistake. When I put a condom, erection disappeared. She made me 4 bj that night, but it was VERY hard to get O. We met the next night again, and I was unable to perform entirely. We broke up though before the sexual part of the drama we had been happy together. I was in despair and made a new mistake: I returned to P trying to restore my libido. It worked badly, only when I watched some hard BDSM stuff. Then I finally went to urologist, and he found a light form of prostatitis and cured it. During the treatment I practiced PMO, because thought it could help, I calmed down and erections were back, though rather weak and it was really hard to get an O. The prostatitis was cured but the problem was still there. I felt terrible.

Only then I understood at last that the root of the problem was in P. The last time I had PMO at 13:00 22 September. It was no pleasure at all. I decided to quit watching P or any erotic pictures at all. I deleted all P from my computer and felt very good. Here is my diary, I have been writing it in an Excel file.
 

Red Bear

Active Member
0 day - 22 of September. I decided not to watch P ever, deleted all that shit and started a new life. In the evening I found an article in the Internet, where it was said, that there are such problems like PIED. It said there was enough not to watch P for 3 or 4 months and the brain would rewire and libido would recover. I felt much better when read this. As I was not P addict and had a long story of sexual life, I hoped I would recover more fast (in a month). It was a light in the end of tunnel.

1 day - 23 of September. I MOed in the evening, the urge was very strong. It was fantastically hard to get an O, it took around 30 minutes, and I used hard fantasies.

2 day - 24 of September. A day of rest from MO. I walked in the street, watched TV and so on. Felt good.

3 day - 25 of September. Another day of rest. Felt some urges, but not MO.

4 day - 26 of September. MO in the evening. Very hard to get an O, around 20 minutes. I could get an erection 70-80%, but then it fainted and was hard to wake the dick up. That day I also found the Reboot Nation site, I read the forum and knew that abstinence from MO could help, so I decided to make a longer pause.

5 day - 27 of September. A flatline started. No libido at all. But I felt good: I knew that all I must do is not watching P and wait. Counting every day, every hour. Even every minute is making you closer to recovery.

6 day - 28 of September. I am in a flatline. Well, I read the forum and new it's OK.

7 day - 29 of September. Flatline. Started to see bad dreams. I slept in the night badly, but during those days I could sleep only 3 or 4 hours even though I took sedative pills. That night I saw a disgusting sexual nightmare, which I would never describe.

8 day - 30 of September. Still in flatline, but there are some first ghostly signs of libido. Slept only for 5 hours with the lights on (like a little boy who is afraid of monsters). I planned MO for this day, but delayed it until my body would demand it. In the evening I was in the bathroom, and touched my dick to explore is it dead entirely, and unexpectedly got 100% hard erection. I thought may be it could be useful to get erections (even without MO), just to help it recover. When I was in my bed before sleep, I imagined a girl next to me, and again got 100% hard (it was 172th hour of the reboot). I must notice that I had morning wood every night. This is something I was not deprived.

9 day - 1 of October. Slept for 7 hours. In the morning again mighty MW. Then in the bathroom I got an erection and this time the urge was so strong, that I had to do MO. It took only 12 minutes, and O. was very very bright. I prohibited myself to imagine anything connected to P, just remembered my ex-girlfriends (it was 221th hour). The main problem is still this: I get a good erection, but then it's fainting and I have to get it up with more strong fantasies.

10 day - 2 of October. A day of the rest. Reading this forum, walking, jogging. Eating good healthy food, for exapmle: pumpkin seeds, nuts with honey, vegetables, seafood.I slept 6 hours in the night, and then 2 hours more after the breakfast. Feels better.
 

Red Bear

Active Member
11 day - 3 of October. Slept for 5 and a half hours. I feel light impulses in my dick. I am not sure I can call it a 'flatline' anymore. To endure and to wait.

12 day - 4 of October. Slept for 10 hours (had some alcohol before with friends). I feel light impulses all the day. I saw a girl in the street and felt a light arousal... unfortunately only light. There are some first feeble signs of libido: may be the desire of sex, or just to get rid of the sperm. The last days I stopped to visit the dating site, and it seems allright for me.

13 day - 5 of October. MO in the morning. Aroused easily to 100%, then in 3 minutes there was a faintness. The whole process took 8 minutes. Imagined only my ex women. Before it I had bad dreams in the night and had to sleep with the lights on. And I felt really sad about my past. It's interesting: I didn't loose libido after morning MO, and in the evening I got a first spontaneous erection for a long time. It happened on 319th hour.

14 day - 6 of October. Slept for 4 hours (after eating 4 sedatives), and then 2 hours more. I believe that flatline is over. My dick starts moving when I think of women. And it's only two weeks without PMO. But I am sure there is a big way ahead: I must cure the DE and have no faintness during the process. I start feeling urges, but restrain myself. I believe that healthy food and healthy way of life must help me. Don't give your brain any hard stimulations, only moderate. I especially whant to sleep well in the night.

15 day - 7 of October. Again MOed, wanted it badly. Again it took 8 minutes, and again there was a 'feeble part' after 3 minutes. It happened on 360th hour, right in the middle of the first month of the reboot. I imagine some vanilla stuff in the beginning and make it harder only towards end (still no P in my mind, only real girls). Slept for 4 hours, and then 2 hours more after the breakfast. I feel like I don't have PIED anymore, just DE.
 

Red Bear

Active Member
16 day - 08 of October. A rest in the country.

17 day - 09 of October. A rest in the country. Feel allright among the woods. No thoughts about sex.

18 day - 10 of October. MO in the afternoon. It took 7 minutes, a 'feeble part' started after 1 minute. The progress is obviuos: O is easier and quicker to get. Libido is back and works. I think I could make sex already, but I would not risk it yet. Let's see what's going to be next. All last nights I slept well, though woke up in the night (not for long).

19 day - 11 of October. I feel active interest towards women in the street. I imagine sex with them and get erections! Slept for 6 hours. I feel myself strong and healthy. I walked a lot, today it was 27 kilometers. I started to visit the dating site again, even gave a 'like' to a girl. I feel some kind of excitement when sitting there. May be it's wrong? When I was going to sleep I imagined a girl next to me, and though I didn't plan MO, I had to do it. I made it in 7 minutes, and never weakened! 100% during all the process! Though it was not very light fantasie, it was about a light domination.

20 day - 12 of October. A day for rest. No MO. I already feel myself excellent. There was a very long and hard erection in the evening when I watched a movie (not erotic). Later I was just imagining a girl and got 100% hard erection without touching penis.
 

Red Bear

Active Member
21 day - 13 of October. Today is a jubilee - 500 hours since the beginning of the reboot. And 70% of the first month. I had a very nasty porno nightmare in the night. Though, the plroblem with nightdreams seem to be the only withdrawal symptom. At 502 hour made a MO. It took only 5 minutes! There was a moment of weakness after 1 minute from the beginning. The progress is more and more visible.

22 day - 14 of October. Good sleep, 6 and a half hours. I am in the good mood, feel healthy, energetic. Libido is back! In the evening drank beer with friends.

23 day - 15 of October. Good long sleep. In the morning MO. The first time I see a regress, it took 8 minutes and there were problems (penis softened). I believe it's because of alcohol drunk the evening before. Alcohol is our enemy!

24 day - 16 of October. Moved to another city by airplane (business trip), slept bad, because was in the air. All the way felt sex drive. When come to my house there, made MO. It was excellent! Only 3 minutes, no problems with erections, no hard fantasies! I feel absolutely cured at the 575 hour of the reboot! I am happy! In the evening I repeated MO - and again it was OK, no feebleness, 100% hard all the time, and lasted 4 munites.

25 day - 17 of October. Slept for 7 hours. And again I had two MOs: 3 minutes in the morning and 3 or 4 in the evening. Those two days in a trip were just like in a happy dream. I felt myself like a young boy again, ready to f-ck in anytime. I started surfing a dating site looking for possible girlfriends, and I spent there 2 or 3 hours every day. And yes, there were a certain excitement, may be a dopamine splashes. I didn't MO during it.
 

Red Bear

Active Member
26 day - 18 of October. Slept for 5 hours, then woke up, and then again fell asleep for 3 hours. I made MO in the morning and felt a regression. It took longer and the erection was not 100% hard anymore. I decided that it was because of beer I drank the evening before in a sportbar... and continued surfing dating sites.

27 day - 19 of October. Again MO in the morning... and again slumps of erection, and it took longer to go to the finish, and I had to use rather hard fantasie about domination. I didn't count the time, but it seemed like 10 minutes. I still did not understand anything and supposed it was just a rebound.

28 day - 20 of October. Slept for 6 hours, ok. MO in the morning. It took 10 munites, and hard to get an O. An obvious regression. Though I had light fantasies about a real girl I met before. Now I understand that there is a big problem! Libido fainted. Still spending a lot of time on the dating site.

29 day - 21 of October. Again slept with a break in the early morning. MO. Again slumps, and took 9 minutes. I racked my brains looking for a reason. I believed that it's because I don't use hard fantasies about domination anymore. Although I had no problems with it several days before. I feel libido working but it somehow weakened. I am chatting with girls on a dating site, and erections come, though they are not as hard as I had on 24-25 days.

30 day - 22 of October. Slept very well, for 7 hours. After jogging in the morning - a MO in bathroom. Now I see, that it's really bad again. It took 13 minutes and there were a lot of slumps and it was hard to get it up at all. Now I have a new version, that the problem arouses from the dating site. I surf them a lot, and get excited with dopamine splashes. I feel high when I do that, though rarely get erected. My 30th day, I believed it will be enough... I registered on rebootnation.org and discussed my thoughts about it, and there's what I was told:

William said:
It's porn addiction recovery 101.  Porn is not just porn, not for an addict, and, in fact, porn addiction is not even porn addiction.  We suffer from dopamine addiction, or, technically, porn induced dopamine addiction.  But, even more specifically, we use porn to generate hypersexual thoughts, and those hypersexual thoughts lead to a prolonged, profound, dopamine reaction.  It is a way to get high.  Porn = hypersexual thoughts = dopamine reaction = high (euphoric feeling).  During the reboot, especially during the reboot, the brain will trigger on just about anything to get a sexual thought, to get the dopamine fix you are denying it.  It is not, so much, that having a sexual thought is bad, it is just that, after years of abusing and consuming porn, you become addicted to it.  So, recognize what is happening.  You are using dating sites in, essentially, the same way you were using porn.  Maybe after you are rebooted, this is something you can do, but during the reboot phase, you are using the dating site like a P sub; surfing them, searching them, and getting a dopamine high in the process.  During the reboot, avoid anything that gives you a dopamine rush.  "All of it" means P, M, O, PMO, sex, sexual thoughts, Porn subs, etc.  If your toaster starts to look good to you in the reboot, through it out, at least until after the reboot. No, actually, if your toaster starts to look good to you, you have bigger issues than P addiction.  Don't play with your triggers until after you are rebooted.  Do the hard 90.  Pain is the price we pay to get free, so, be prepared to pay it. 

Much love.

W.
 

Red Bear

Active Member
31 day - 23 of October. So, I stopped visiting DS. The last time I visited it was at 30th day (708th hour). I hope I will recover quickly, because I met a nice woman on DS and we write each other every day by smartfones. We like each other. I've read here many times that it's good to get a girl during reboot, so I will try it with her. I imagine her around. I feel very bad about what happened - seems like I contrived to relapse without watching P!! Unlucky me. I slept long that night, I met with friends and we drank some beer. No MO.

32 day - 24 of October. A day of no MO. I feel like returned back in the beginning of my process of reboot. Not in the days of flatline, but in the days of 'light impulses'. Again slept 3 hours in the night and then 4 hours in the morning. Again saw a terrible dream (at least with no P), when half-asleep I imagine a girlfriend next to me and I have a good erection. The libido level is low. I have a desire, but erections would appear with a hard efforts. I would suppose that often doing MO was also a cause of the decline. Try to do it rarely (if can't refuse at all), abstinence is what heals us.

33 day - 25 of October. I had a mighty MW, but when tried M, erection fainted. Imagined my girlfriend and had a good erection. Again slept from midnight to 5 in the morning, then a break, and then again a couple of hours of sleep. I feel very sad about my regression. And what is the worst: I don't understand clearly what made it happen - may be a frequent MO, may be surfing the dating sites, may be just chutting with girls by whatsup! It all can cause a dopamine rush. May be even sex could push me back! I don't whant to undertake a hardmode 90 days - I think it is not my way to cure... but if there would not be the other way, I'd agreed. I wonder how will I have sex with my new girlfriend?? So, I bought a pill (like viagra) and ate it (minimum dose). Then I had MO, it lasted 5 minutes, and with no hard stuff. Well, I don't think this is my way. I must return my health back.

34 day - 26 of October. No MO. Spent a day at friend's work. Felt no sex drive at all - though had no reason for it. I thought that there is one more cause for DE and ED for me. I have poor eyesight - and when I don't wear glasses (I don't wear them in bed), I can't see a girl in details, so it weakens the excitement. In previous years it didn't matter for me, and now it really spoils the pleasure.

35 day - 27 of October. No MO. Slept several hours. Had an erotic dream before wakening up. Low libido, no sex drive, in spite of MW. So i decide to make the treatment more hard. Let's see, wether abstinence will help better. No MO until it's unbearable to endure. No dating sites, of course (already 5 days without it), and unfortunately no girls. Nothing that brings dopamine rush. Today I wrote a letter to my girlfriend and broke up under false pretenses like I can't be with her because I don't have much money. She writes me back that she is not really interested in money, she is interested in me. I feel like shit. That's what I get for years of PMO. Very very very frustrated now.
 

Red Bear

Active Member
36 day - 28 of October. No MO. Spent all day with friends. Strange feeling: I am like filled up with sperm, but there is no real sex drive. Queer!
 

Red Bear

Active Member
Day 37 - 29 of October. Again noMO. Let it be a longer abstinence. 7 days since last surfing dating sites.

Yesterday I caught myself grabbing with my eyes any girl on TV, like if I had a special gadget in my head, a 'womenscope' or something. My mind keeps hunting for exciting images of their bodies, pretty faces, their skin and hairs. And you know, there are plenty of such stuff on TV.

Today I had a first spontaneous half-erection. An hour later it repeated when I caught myself fantasing about oral sex with my ex. I stopped it. After the unexpected relapse I try to be as chaste as possible, at least for a while.

Walking on the river bank and thinking about my life, I understood an interesting thing I never really considered before. I am really underestimating myself. I often think about my mistakes in the past (for instance, I know I should not marry the women I was married to) and I blame myself for them. I remember even the mistakes made in my childhood. I understood that I am completely wrong. Everybody makes mistakes. I made no evil to people, I made no crime. So I should better praise myself aloud for good deeds or achivements. I learned English, it helped me to earn money and to buy an apartment and eventually it helped me to get to RN: in former USSR we don't have such internet resources, and nobody speaks seriously about PIED problems. So I started to praise and to cheer myself, encouraging, promising that everything would be ok. Like repeating mantra. And it worked!  I really felt better.
 

Red Bear

Active Member
Day 38 - 30th of October. 8 days off the dating sites.

I slept terrible, saw several bad dreams and nightmares. Could not fall asleep for a long time: each time I closed my eyes, I would see some erotic scenes jumping just out of my imagination. Felt very bad in the morning, really sick until evening.

I made a MO in the middle of the day, thought my balls were going to burst. Nothing hard visions, but I understood that I have to change the fantasies, shifting them, otherwise my brain don't get enough excitement and the dick gets soft. It took only 6 minutes today, so I believe that I am starting to get better again.

I must give this comment to those who read my story: guys, you see that I practice MO and it seems to be good for me, because it helps to set my brain back to the times I f-cked women. Remember, I am a 40 old man with a big sexual experience. And still I keep questioning myself wether I am doing a mistake. It would not fit for everybody, especially for younger men. Better rely on abstinence. And never return to P, of course.
 

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
Hi Red,
Thank you for making great postings!
Why are you dreaming badly?
Are you stressed or worried?
Do you have anxiety or other mental issues?
Please do share.

The truth is mo and pmo are not really important.
Ed or pied are also not that important.

Important is how happy you are with yourself.
When you are happy everything will be better

 

Red Bear

Active Member
Hello, TakeActionNow,
Yes, I feel stressed sometimes about all that situation and problems with ED.
And you are absolutely right, I am not happy. I want my life to change, to improve it. When I got those problems with ED I started to think a lot about my life, looking for the roots of my troubles and mistakes. For example, I figured out, that I have a huge problem with internet addiction, I spend too much time in the web. When I was a child and a young man, I used to read books and watch movies a lot - and now I just surf the forums and facebook for several hours every day. It is hard to read books - because my brain has chainged: it's now more accustomed to receive short pieces of information, like in the blogs. It's hard to read a book, I loose attention very soon! I must rewire this part of it now also, I start reading again.

I know that when we see nightmares, it's our subconscious trying to send some important information to the conscience. There is still a problem with my health that must be cured.
 

Red Bear

Active Member
Day 39 - 31th of October.

Again slept badly, woke up several times - but there was no nightmare. On the contrary - there was some funny dream, and I remember myself laughing in the night. And then was a sad moment: I had no morning wood todays morning. There was a napwood when I was falling asleep in the evening though. I felt sad and tried to imagine a girl next to me, and the erection came 100% hard. I start thinking again, that in my case the fantasies about real sex is a better way than total abstinence. In the evening I repeated the fantasy, touching the dick gently, and the erection was back. Nevertheless I still don't feel any sex drive like it was on 24-25 days after the start of reboot: that was fantastic and I felt like I was a young man again. And that progress was so stupidly wasted by relapsing on dating sites... I am angry at myself, though I understand it was just a mistake. And even the whole story with PMO was just a mistake... affected my life so badly.

I started workouts today again (after a short break), the pshysical activity makes me feel better, and testosteron rush surely helps. Though I feel a little sick today, may be because of bad weather, and short time asleep. No MO today. Tomorrow I will go to the new job, I hope it will help me also.
 

Red Bear

Active Member
Day 40, a jubilee: 1th of November.

Felt all right today. Slept well, had morning wood, worked hard all day, didn't even remember about the problems. In the evening went to cafee, to the shop. All day was among people. Now watching football.
 

Red Bear

Active Member
Day 41: 2th of November.

Slept really bad. Had several nighmares... One of them: a big room where naked men are being raped by some disgusting liquid monster, sucking their lives out from their dicks. That looked like hell. I think that was some metaphoric picture of poor guys, struggling hoplessly against P addiction. Tonight I am going to get some sedatives, I don't want to see more nightmares...

Had a weak MW in the morning. Worked hard all day. In the evening started to feel smth like a dawn of sex drive. May be it's just an illusion, I don't know. If this time my way up from the bottom will take the same as previous time, I will feel allright 15th or 16th November.

Just passed the mark of 1000 hours without P. And almost 300 hours without dating sites.
 

Red Bear

Active Member
Day 42 - 3th of November.

Got some sedatives and slept OK.Spent all day at work and left the office in the evening, when the director said: go home, stop working.

And then, riding home by tram I suddenly understood everything. I can't explain clearly how. May be I felt something... a ghostly excitement when taking the smartphone out of the pocket... and it reminds about hours and hours spent on dating sites. The truth is: I HAVE NEVER BEEN A PORN ADDICT. ALL MY TROUBLES COME FROM SURFING DATING SITES SEVERAL HOURS A DAY FOR MONTHS! It excited me much and troubled my brain with curving new deep dopamine ways so hard that I could not get erected being with a beautiful girl found on that site.

I underdstood that I must just return to my way of life that I lived before this story (excluding pixel excitement, of course), and the reboot will be fast and successful. Got home, MOed before sleep and ended successfully in 5 minutes.

I felt better immediately. I let my libido work, I am not afraid of sexual thoughts anymore. They don't harm me, they help me to recover. When I get to a computer I will describe it thouroughly. My story is now close to a happy ending, I am pretty sure. Thank God!!
 

Red Bear

Active Member
Days 43, 44 - 4th and 5th of November.

I feel allright, everything seems to be in order with my health.
Walked a lot with my friend. Talked with unknown girls in the streets, kidding with them. So damn good feeling...
 

Red Bear

Active Member
Day 45- 6th of November.

I am going better and better. Libido is hot like the days I was young. There are sexual thoughts flashing through my brain many times a day, and there is no fear that they can harm me anymore. I will keep this journal for some time, and end it only when I am will be quite sure I am cured and there is no fallback.

It's interesting that I catch myself with the thoughts and desires that I had before my disease. My brain is becoming back the state it was then.
 

Red Bear

Active Member
Days 46,47,48,49 - 7-10 of November.

Everything's going OK. Feeling good. No sign of problems.
I even visited that dating site for a couple of times, found a girl there and started wastupping with her. But no surfing for hours there anymore. Hardworking and sports help a lot to keep my mind away from the problems.
 

Red Bear

Active Member
Day 50. 11th of November.

I have just found out that I relapsed.
It happened again unintentionally. I have been talking with a new girlfriend by whatsupp for a couple of hours, and felt pretty excited all this time. It made me feel uneasy, because feeling was very known. I said to her goodbye and tried MO. It started allright, but then my dick fainted. I could not do anything to rise it up again. My brain needs some additional stimulation.
Shit, it's so bad! Very much worse then problem with dating sites. Girls like to communicate through mobile messengers. I don't know what to do. I am running in a circle.

Dammit, everything was already ok!
 
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