Reboot...

Edit_undo

Active Member
Hello reboot nation
Well I thought I?d make a post, since I?ve been reading for months. My story is similar to many on here. Discovered MO around 13 yrs, and p*rn around late teens /early 20s. HSIP after that (fairly vanilla). And presumably PIED, increasingly worse in the last 3ish years. Incredibly frustrating. I started rebooting February 2018 (no PMO, no MO) after doing some research on the google box. Between Your Brain on Porn and this site I have a pretty good idea of what needs to be done and have made some progress. I am married 10 years and have 2 wonderful kids, so the distractions are plentiful. Today was D-Day 2.0- not purposely hiding anything but definitely nervous about bringing it up with my wife. Anyway, while prepping our basement for renovation earlier today I found some cigarette cartons and adult mags from the previous owners (along with a high school ID and temporary drivers license, all from 1974- and 2 medals from WW1. Pretty cool!) and that started the conversation. She noticed how fit and nice looking the models were.. I just told her I want it gone because it effects me differently (badly!) and I?m convinced p*rn in general has caused my problems and I want to focus on us- real people. She obviously has experienced the PIED with me but wouldn?t have known it is porn related. Conversations continued while making dinner. Bottom line, I tried my best to explain the theory behind PIED in a busy situation with many interruptions from children and gave her the link to YBOP. She is neutral on porn, it doesn?t really bother her much. Of course there were many interruptions and she had to work early tonight so it wasn?t ideal. D-day 1.0 was another episode of PIED I explained that MO to images was off the table for me (suspect of ED), real deal between us only.
Reboot has been going ok. Morning wood is fairly consistent now. Besides that it?s a dead dick scenario. The only blips have been in the past few weeks- my work crew started a new tv series and it definitely has some mature content. We watch together during down time so it is difficult to avoid. I?m relatively new to this workplace (1.25 yrs into my dream career) and want to do things as a team. So this exposure is definitely different than past, as in it is not PMO but some segments are very P like. And even leafing through the adult mag I found today was enough to trigger the lizard brain and get my pulse racing. Before this I was clean of P and trying to change my mindset and how I view women (still am trying obviously). I feel like I have been objectifying women my whole life. Compulsively checking out, and that needs to stop. Also introverted, socially unsure and type B personality in a work field dominated by type As. Not expecting to change every part of me but a normal amount of self confidence couldn?t hurt.

Soooo that was a long post. Ask me anything, I?m not a gifted writer obviously. I?m sure pieces of story are missing. Im grateful for any suggestions and hope to be able to contribute. I?m not planning on journaling everyday but maybe now and then. I wanted to say thanks for this forum, I have learned a lot from everyone.
PE30, we started around the same time in February with a bunch of others who have dropped off. Keep on fighting. You are a huge encouragement to me.

I appreciate you all. We will beat this.
 

Edit_undo

Active Member
Just checking in. I?ve been way more tense than usual the last couple days. Never had anxiety before but I can?t relax lately. It?s disturbing my sleep. Anybody else had this 9 months in? I understand at the beginning of a reboot it?s not uncommon but why now?
 

Edit_undo

Active Member
Another positive day of recovery. Not that everyday is amazing but I?m trying to have a more positive outlook and be grateful for the little things. Like the sunny skies with the frigid cold today. The tension from yesterday seemed to clear up once I got out of the house doing errands so that was good. I even ran into an instructor from a course 7 years ago. I was shocked that I could recognize someone from a two week course that long ago. I?d like to think that this is a sign my brain is healing a bit but who knows.
Still trying to get a handle on checking people out. I find I keep scanning the room (especially when I?m at the gym) so trying not to ogle or feel like I have to see who just walked in. It?s been a struggle for the whole reboot and I?m honestly not sure what?s normal anymore. Be attentive, but not just to check out hot girls. That?s what I?m going for. Any suggestions?
 

Edit_undo

Active Member
Checking in. Had a busy weekend with a family dinner out of town and working a couple times. Some good rewiring with my wife but still cursed with PIED (and pe lately). I?ve had a couple stretches of complete hard mode for 15-30ish days but generally no more than a week or 10 days between rewiring sessions.
Had a couple run-ins with explicit content I was not expecting in movies. Generally I try to move on and not dwell on these. How bad is this for the reboot? It?s still activating the same brain pathways even without fapping right?  These are movies with friends, so it?s not necessarily my pick AND it?s weird to walk out of the room. Yes, ideally I?d avoid anything P-related or similar and I have been. I also realize these kinds of things - stumbling across nudity or sexuality in media- will happen in the future. How do the rest of you handle it?
 

Edit_undo

Active Member
Another day. No problem keeping busy today. Home today taking care of one kid (sick with a cold). I enjoyed the time to do puzzles and things we don?t get to do when they are at school. Had a good outing with the whole family tonight. Nothing major reboot wise. Trying to cut down on screen time. Facebook is down to one short visit every couple days and no other social media besides here. I don?t find FB triggering but it was becoming compulsive when I was bored. I do want to maintain it for keeping contact with my family. We are spread out across 2 countries. I just want to rely less on my phone for entertainment when I have plenty of other things I could(should) be doing. Cheers
 

Edit_undo

Active Member
Thanks for the encouragement Andy!

Not much to report again. It?s been difficult to calm down for meditation the last couple days. I might try to do it first thing in the morning and see if that helps. Lots to do around the house to get ready for the holidays. I even had to skip the gym. Not great but still solid on all other things reboot. I?d like to cut down on screen time but not trying too hard. All of it is here or YBOP or a couple news headlines.

Onward...
 

Edit_undo

Active Member
Checking in. Good weekend, had a nice outing yesterday then caught up on some overdue jobs at home today. Some quality time with my lady too. Although I?m still cursed with pied (erection lost, but hey, not totally dead this time) I made sure it was enjoyable and then we spent some time chatting into the night. Even though sex didn?t work out, I had a great time just catching up with her. Talking about us, talking about home, the kids, work... it was all good. Another side of intimacy and it felt... wholesome.
And a nice debrief. While work has been busy for both of us, a major director for my division was let go last week. My position is secure but there is some uncertainty related to operations and who will take over that job. Transitional stuff. 2nd in less than a year.
Still staying clean of the bad stuff and keeping up with the meditation ( haven?t got to try out the early morning yet) and seeing slight improvements through this reboot. Not ready to throw myself into conversations with new people though. That social awkwardness may never go away.
 
Nice update, keep with it.

I use the Headspace app for meditation and have it set morning reminders for me. I have found that doing my meditation in the morning is the best way for me to make it routine and it also puts me on the right footing to start my day.
 

Edit_undo

Active Member
Thanks, allthelights.
I have had some success with early morning meditations but most of the time my kids wake up as soon as they hear anybody up and about (I swear they have a 6th sense about it!). Best times are around 5:30am right before work or right after I get off work in the morning I?ll find a quiet spot to park and meditate before I go any further into that day. Haven?t really noticed any tangible benefits but it feels healthy haha and I?ll give it a couple months tryout. I just can?t bring myself to consistently wake up that early on my days off, my schedule is all over the place. I did move to an early morning schedule before when I had a steady day job and was training for my current job. It was a lot of work and preparation the night before to make sure I was ready for the day. And looking back, that was an coincidental reboot. I wasn?t consistently using porn but cut way down on it and MO only because I was focused on quality sleep (no idea about pies or anything at the time), was working out like crazy and taking lots of supplements (multivitamin packs, creatine, tribulus, etc.), eating super healthy so I would be a contender for the position. Anyway, a nice side effect was improved libido and responsiveness in bed. At the time I figured it was from eating well and being active. If only I knew then what I know now!
Not much to report from the here and now. Went to the gym today and had to work to keep my brain in check- lots of good-looking distractions. Same as before, be attentive but not ogling all the girls (there were also a lot of jacked guys there but that doesn?t do anything for me).
Cheers
 

Edit_undo

Active Member
Had some odd things happen this week:
First, some portion of a dream I remembered (that is remarkable in itself, I never remember dreams) had a crush from well over 15 years ago. Have not seen or heard from this person at all. Seems random. And yes, there was some fantasizing and MO way back then, this was pre porn for me.
Second, tonight my brain trying to lure me back to PMO with a memory and feeling while I?m super tired. The memory was a ?remember when you were just starting to PMO, the thrill of the hunt beginning for that night? and a bit of excitement through my body. Hard to explain this sensation but I definitely remember it. This would be the first craving out of the blue since the initial resistance when I started this journey nearly 10 months ago. And while neither of these things is astounding, some accounts I have read of successful rebooters show that porn/fantasy flashbacks tend to happen in reverse. Starting with the most recent to the oldest. I?m optimistic that these 2 occurrences are signs my brain is changing back to as it should be. Or, you know, it?s one of those unexplained brain things. People dream things all the time. We?ll see.

 

Edit_undo

Active Member
Checking in. Had a good sleep and decent morning wood today. Good meditation this morning, I was almost relaxed (ha)... I seem to do better with longer sessions approaching 20 minutes, I can unwind a bit more in that time.
That?s about it, staying the course.
Peace
 
I also nearly never remember my dreams but since starting this process have noted in my written journal that I have been remembering them more often. I'm glad that someone else noted the same thing!
 

Edit_undo

Active Member
Today?s the day- 10 months since I started this journey. Many changes made, many more to be made. Notable changes have been quitting daily MO and quitting use of porn/substitutes. My only outlet is with my wife. Also noticed better interactions and more grateful to be with her. She?s amazing. More positive outlook, reminding myself to be grateful, enjoy nature and life in general.
    Still working on:
1) rewiring. ED still here, slight improvements. 
2) not compulsively checking out women, or atleast paying the same inattention as I would if a guy walked by. Not sure how much is built into male brain by nature and how much can be dialed back but I could probably improve.
3) better presence - meaningful social interactions and connecting with people. Never been a strong point for me. I know reboots don?t fix every life problem but since I am examining my self I feel like this is the next thing to tackle.
4) moderating entertainment tech. Trying to cut down on phone usage. Also moderate tv and movies- ideally eliminate explicit content, but at least minimize how I perceive it (remind myself its not realistic in the slightest, shut down the buzz reaction). As I mentioned, have been watching a new series with friends and, without having seen game of thrones, content seems very similar. Violent and sexy at times.
5) subdued emotions. I think there has been some improvement. Not sure how much more vibrant I?ll get. My old man is pretty chill too.


Experienced rebooters/Mods: are there any aspects I?m missing out on? End goal is to be a well-rounded person, regaining sexual well-being was the catalyst. Thanks.
 
I am not that experienced or successful as you yet but I just wanted to say congratulations in hitting 10 months!  That's really impressive and inspiring!
 

Edit_undo

Active Member
allthelights said:
I am not that experienced or successful as you yet but I just wanted to say congratulations in hitting 10 months!  That's really impressive and inspiring!

Thanks. I don?t feel very successful today- Had a night away with my lady for a work party and hotel stay (which was very nice), after the party we went to enjoy each other I was totally dead dick with pe. Big letdown to me anyway, she?s been very understanding and I always make sure it?s enjoyable for her. Not sure if I hyped it up in my head too much or what. May consider hard mode for a month. It shouldn?t be too difficult to manage that with the holidays. I feel impatient about getting this resolved but the reality is I?ve built a daily(+/-) MO habit for nearly 20 years and the last few years mixed in some porn so it?s not going to be fixed too quickly. Plus the social/shyness end of it is a pain. I get frustrated that I am this way...
Ok, rant over.
Tomorrow will be a good day at work, and continuing to build good habits.
 

Edit_undo

Active Member
Checking in. Good day yesterday, meditated and worked out. Will try to do some more of both today. Have a great day everyone.
 

Edit_undo

Active Member
Kind of a ?meh? day today. Moods ranging in the mediocre with scattered good moments. Fairly productive at home today and meditated. Still had a lull in motivation/drive today (and lack of quality sleep) so maybe some changes need to be made. No triggers and no porn/mo, and had some time at home with my family so those are positives deserving gratitude. Onward...
 

Edit_undo

Active Member
Checking in.  Good day so far, early morning meditation when I left work. Usually I just find a quiet spot to park and meditate before I get on with my day but found the scenery distracting this morning. Much easier in a quiet room at home. Might try meditating again tonight. Also had some morning wood (which is happening more often than not these days) and a couple random semis this morning (unusual for me lately but I think good). Either the good sleep or the show we watched last night, not sure what to attribute that to. I know deep down this tv series is probably detrimental to the reboot but we are almost finished, so hopefully that will be it. Had some quality time home with a sick kid today too.
Onward..
 
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