My Journal (Arkray)

arkray

Member
Hi guys, I'm a rebooter trying to get back on the wagon. My first reboot was before I even found RebootNation or YBOP. I tried to reboot by abstaining from porn and masturbation. I was excited to change at first, but easier said than done. I failed about half a year in, but shame and denial tried to explain it away with some lame excuses. Long story short, I relapsed several times.

First pornographic image was some time in grade school. It got me curious. I'm 30 now. Surfed images in early teens. I lived in Asia for a while in my teens where some local stores weren't too concerned about where they put adult books with comic books and video games. Downloaded and streamed videos in high school and college. Addiction was bad enough that I even shoplifted DVD's and adult comic books a few times. I was a straight-A student in high school, so yeah, pron screwed me up bad. It was my dark secret I guess. Good thing I was almost caught once. That got me real scared and I stopped. Still, denial, shame, excuses.

All my exes were disappointed. They deserved better. I want to have a healthy, normal sex life.

Anyway, here's Day 1.
 

arkray

Member
1 day in, I know there's not going to be any change. I feel the same as yesterday. I know too well that the struggle comes after the first few days.
I didn't keep a journal before because I thought it was a hassle. I will try it this time.
Work was pretty usual. Went to my usual meetup group today. Maybe socialising with people there will help.
I like to keep a routine, but lately not sure if that helps. It lets me know when I should be doing what, but I feel like the monotony will hurt my reboot. Who knows.
 

arkray

Member
It bothers me that I'm writing this at work, but probably just need to unload. Unable to concentrate well. Sleep has been fine so far though. I hope it's just because work has been very busy the last 2 weeks, and things have finally slowed down a little. I'm catching myself with my thoughts floating, and have to recenter and regroup. Thoughts are pretty random, can be general or nsfw.
 

arkray

Member
Went for a run after work today. Have to tell myself not to linger in the shower too long after. Got off the phone with a friend who said I talk too much. Maybe I do. I should stop getting carried away.
 

arkray

Member
I was thinking about what to type in my entry last night but fell asleep. I suppose it's a good thing that my sleep hasn't been affected much.
I find myself in a mental bind sometimes, because I can feel the urge to MO or even PMO, and I have to stop for a moment just to mentally toughen myself against it. It's both a bit sad and funny at the same time that I have to get a hang of myself like this.
 
I would say trying to get out and do stuff you normally wouldn't do can only help you. If you continue to do your "normal" routine but take one thing away (PMO) the likelihood that you'all relapse is higher. Get out of the house, mix it up, person to person interaction as much as possible. Don't just wait and count the days, make the days count! As trite as that sounds, I believe it'll be quite helpful during your reboot.

Journaling is good too. Helps with accountability, processing your thoughts and feelings, and serves as a timeline of how you feel and the progress you've made.

I recommend picking up literature that revolves around understanding addiction. Get immersed in understanding dopamine and how it molds your brain.

Just some small tips that have worked for me thus far in my journey. Keep up the good work, I'll be watching as your journey unfolds! All the best!
 

arkray

Member
Thanks for the replies guys. It's definitely true that just counting the days doesn't help, and I want to try to use my free time better.

I got out to a Starbucks today. Decided to get some studying done and also work on some personal projects. It's good to work outside. Being in public takes of any thought of urges or whatnot out of my mind.

Also got to meet up with some good friends whom I haven't seen in a long time. One of them had a baby too in that time. It certainly is weird to have parenting conversations in my get-togethers now. I'm still trying to get a handle on myself while my friends are responsible for their children now. I need life to slap me in the face sometimes.
 

arkray

Member
I reset my counter today. Not because I fell off the wagon, but because I reached my first goal of 7 days without P or P-subs. I am intentionally making my goals short so that I don't feel pressured that I have a long way to go until my goal. It'll be 7 days, then I'll go another 7, and another 7, etc.

Was out all day again today, which was helpful. I thought about buying a new pair of running shoes, but decided my current pair will still last me a while. Gotta set my priorities right. I also need to go to bed sooner. I keep telling myself that but never do, sigh.
 

arkray

Member
It's been a while since I wrote anything in my journal. Have been quite busy with work and other crap life has been throwing at me lately. I suppose it's a good thing that I've been so busy that I haven't really had much time for anything else. The moments of down time I have I really didn't want to do anything except sleep or zone out.

The only down side is that I'm not sleeping as well, because of the stress of work and everything, which means I'm not waking up as rested as I should.

Funny thing though, I did dream that I watched P, and that scared me for a moment until I woke up in bed.
 

arkray

Member
This morning my girlfriend kept crossing my mind. It seems that there is some libido there, which I'm happy about. At first I was worried this would affect my reboot, but from reading YBOP and Gabe's videos, I gathered that real-life interaction is quite an important step towards recovery. My gf and I hadn't had sex yet. We came close to it once, but didn't end up doing it. I eventually told her that I have had "performance" issues in the past, although I still left out the part about my P-addiction and the possibility of PIED. We haven't been together long so I felt unloading this much personal information on her would be too overwhelming at this stage. Anyway, she took the news alright, and said it's probably performance anxiety. It wasn't an easy conversation, I felt I disappointed her, although I am also glad she has been quite understanding so far. :( I can only ask for so much patience, so all the more reason to reboot.
 

arkray

Member
Reset my counter again since I reached another week and then some.

Been kind of tired recently. Well, not exactly tired, more like I don't seem to have much energy. Had to force myself out of the house last weekend just to get myself to do something. Not sure if I'm feeling a kind of monotony lately. In life and in general. I've followed a pretty distinct weekly routine for a while. I might have to change that.

Besides that I feel like my urge is just sitting in the corner staring at me. It's just being quiet and lurking now. Who knows when it will decide to jump out and wreak havoc. I'll have to keep an eye on it.
 

arkray

Member
Feeling that urge gnawing at me inside. It gets in the way of my thoughts sometimes. Nothing I haven't met with before, but still very much a struggle. I always have to take a deep breath and regroup myself when this happens -_-
I'm also getting the feeling that it's not always the P that I'm looking for, but rather the high of the O. It's definitely like a drug where I have to take a "hit." I've been flooding my brain with this high regularly that it is now kicking at me for depriving it. Well, sorry brain, it's for your own good :p
 

arkray

Member
Okay, yesterday was just ridiculous, I felt I had to bash my head against a wall (I didn't) just so that I don't fail. But I did curl up in bed and told myself to go to sleep early. Here's what happened.

I was at a networking event in the evening last night and I met a Japanese lady who was  just absolutely stunning. She was demure, but definitely classy. Her dress was not revealing in any way, but somehow it just exuded beauty and sexiness. She was like a porcelain princess doll, I almost couldn't look at her was how amazing she was. And I know this is super rude to say about someone, but she reminded me of those manufactured Japanese P stars who are sculpted to look perfect, except she was the real deal (I'd like to give her the benefit of the doubt 8)). I have to stop here before I say anything too dangerous for the people here. But my gosh, it was impossible to stop my imagination from running wild. My heart actually raced when I looked at her the first time, wtf. If this were a cartoon, I'd be putting my balls in a vice while throwing a bucket of ice water over myself. :eek:

Anyway, I couldn't believe the combination of awe, admiration and, yes, lust that filled me. Throw in that ever lingering urge as well and I was just hanging by a thread. I'm glad I got through it. Still pretty tough right now, but I'm at least glad I could be enticed by a real woman.

Orz
 

arkray

Member
Decided to change my counter a bit, I want to see if using the tick marks feels any different. Also even though I wanted to make short goals, I had to reset my counter each time to see it recount the days up to the goal day, but the wording makes me feel as though I had PMO'd a week ago, which doesn't feel great. I took out the goal number and would just let it count.

It's been just a bit over 3 weeks since I officially started this reboot. It hasn't been great to tell the truth. This isn't my first reboot so there's no longer than high from the novelty phase. I walk in knowing it's going to suck from the get-go. Sometimes I can't tell the difference between the urge and just normal sexual frustration. It does worry me a little, but my rule is no pixels and no prints. Fantasies are hard to fight so I just try to ignore them and let it pass.

The thought of that lady I met 2 nights ago is still lingering in my mind. I feel bad too because I do have a girlfriend whom I'm very happy with. :-[ This will pass, but in the mean time, I may have to think about cold showers O_O
 

arkray

Member
It's been almost 2 weeks since my last post. I had been real busy at work so there wasn't any time for PMO thoughts, which is good.
But I am resetting my counter because I was with my gf last weekend, even though we didn't have sex, one thing led to another and I ejaculated. I'm a bit ambivalent about this because: 1) I was with my gf, and NOT using P. 2) But I was the one who finished, not her.
I was able to achieve a full erection at one point, but as usual it didn't last very long. I sort of hovered around 50%~60% for the most part.
I think I tried to justify this as "OK" but I'm not really sure. There's a part of me that feels that I have merely taken advantage of the situation to achieve an O since I hadn't done so in a while. It's late now, I should really be sleeping. I may just be thinking about this too hard.
 
Not going to tell you what to count as a reset and what not to because that's on you and what you're trying to accomplish, but I sure as heck wouldn't beat myself up over having an orgasm with a partner. I will just say that I am on day 38 without P or P Subs and doing well. However, I'm having sex and orgasms regularly with my wife. I don't want to say I can or can't do something, but I just was not willing to go hard mode, and this has worked well for me.

Stay strong. You've got this - no matter what you decide in terms of what's a relapse and what's not.
 

arkray

Member
Thanks serenitynow15, I thought about this later and figured I was being too hard on myself. I'm still putting it down as a reset on my counter since it's already there. I got a bit too carried away associating any kind of O being bad for my reboot.
 

arkray

Member
It's kind of weird to see the number of days on my counter because it always feels like it's been longer. I guess it always will. I've been doing okay lately despite not having written in my journal. I still get the occasional desire to look up some P or think about it, but it's way more manageable now. I don't have to fight as hard, and I feel I can move onto something else a bit quicker.

Last night though I had a highly pornographic dream. It didn't trigger anything, but I can't say what brought it about either. :eek:
 

arkray

Member
I haven't been as diligent about writing in my journal and I think that hurt me. I wasn't even busy or anything, I think I just got lazy.
My rule for myself is absolutely no P and no M, and only O when I'm with my gf. Last week I had the urge to M, but instead of coming here to write in my journal, I began to fantasize. I tried to think only of my gf, but that didn't hold, and I did some light M but no O.
Well darn. The weakness of the male mind :p
I'm definitely not happy about it, but I'm not super upset and I'm not going to kick myself over it either. I realised what I was doing. Stopped myself. And picked myself back up. I should have written this sooner because the delay is like I couldn't own up to myself about what had happened. I need to do better.
 
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