Life starts at 40!

Hello all!

I?m 39 years old but I only have about two months until I turn 40 so I figure it?s just as fine to start over here, right away, in the "40 and up" section. 
I live in a small country in Europe and English is not my language so people reading this should be warned about grammatical and spelling errors

I also want to mention that I was over at YBR journaling since I was 36 under the namne "MarstonS". So yeah, that means I have been battling this PMO addiction for more then 3 years now. I have been addicted for longer than that ofcourse, probably since I got internet 2004, but only been avare of this whole PIED concept since late 2012.

My main issues right now, in life are:

Anxiety.                (Panic attacks, in general but perhaps the biggest beeing social anxiety. Comes and goes in strenght)
Depression.        (not to severe at times but it comes and goes)
OCD and ADD.    (theese are not THAT big of an issue any more)
Low self esteam. (getting better as the years adds up and I work with my self)
Low libido.          ( I do not suffer from ED anymore but my libido is not where I want it to be. Could, ofcourse be the issues above that drives it down)

I?m starting the journaling here because I need to start a new one anyway, when I turn 40 since I can no longer post in the 30-39 section but maybe more than that because I feel I need to start fresh and perhaps help jumpstart my motivation.

As for starting, or continuing, rebooting here I will, at this moment have only one black and white rule: NO artificial stimulation (porn, sexting and so on). Because of my OCD tendensies I have, with experience, learned that all or nothing thinking when it comes to masturbating is destructive for my reboots. I have tried hard mode now for 3 years and now I want to take a different approach. This black or white thinking makes me relapse and fall HARD when I do relapse. That said, ofcourse I want to keep my MO sessions short and far in between. But as for counting days and resetting, it is the staying clean from porn and such stimulus I?will track.

Porn  Day 1
Limited alcohol  Day 1

Morningwood 0%
Libido 20%
Mood    40%
Confidence 30%
Anxiety  30%
Shyness/introvertness  50%
Bodyweight  83 kg

I feel motivated by this new journal. I will try to make an update every day to assist me in keeping my motivation high. 
Binging on alcohol gives me the same symptoms as PMO and it messes with the rewardsystem in my brain that?s why I also want a counter for that. My upper limit for alcohol is 8 units within a week.

Hello Dominator76,

Welcome to the forum. It's a great place for support and recovery.

Regarding your libido, you may want to check with your doctor about getting a testosterone blood test.

Stay strong and post often.

Dominator76 said:

I have tried hard mode now for 3 years and now I want to take a different approach. This black or white thinking makes me relapse and fall HARD when I do relapse. That said, ofcourse I want to keep my MO sessions short and far in between. But as for counting days and resetting, it is the staying clean from porn and such stimulus I?will track.

Click to expand...

Hi Dominator76,

I'm new here too, (though not to reboots) and a little of the lingo I haven't got hold of... ie. Hard mode (think I know, but will check), but anyways... Maybe as something to think over, one thing that seemed to work well for me on one reboot was to M only to physical sensation, no fantasy, and only on occasions when I was feeling horny. I will probably use that method this time.

Food for thought, I hope. And, All the best

PS. I like the %'s thing

Hey D76.

Welcome to this forum. I have and still do struggle with PMO. I noticed the high rating you gave yourself on shyness/introvert As someone who struggles with getting out of myself I believe strongly that this is a huge factor in this malady.  Us introverts lack the skill set to get our needs met in intimacy. I long to be closer and more intimate with my wife. I also long for greater intimacy with those I love in a non-sexual way. Basically I'm lonely and I bet you and every other guy on this forum is too. We have this warped idea that intimacy has to do with sex when really sex is just an element of intimacy. It is not the end but a means to a end.

I just want to say one more thing. I don't think that the answer for us introverts is to try to be more extroverted because that would be violating our nature. I think the answer is self-acceptance. Us introverts experience the world in a completely different way than extroverts. I am well into middle age and have spent a good deal of my life trying to be more outgoing. It is like beating my head on cement because that is not who I am. We see that extroverts get a lot of the rewards of this world including the ladies and that can be discouraging.

I don't have the answers but I suspect that a lot has to do with self acceptance. I wish you the best in your battle with this thing.

Peace!

AST

No Porn  Day 2
Limited alcohol  Day 0

Day without orgasm 2
Morningwood 0%
Libido 00%
Mood    40%
Confidence 30%
Anxiety  10%
Shyness/introvertness  20%
Bodyweight  83 kg

One of my most stressfull weekends are over and now I?m breaking my alcohol limit because of that. People who will follow this journal are probably going to notice that alcohol, not just PMO, is something I struggle with also. I would not say I?m relly addicted to it but I missuse it and as with porn it is an escapism where it is the key to another world far away from reality. I?m working on it. It will get better.

Playing trumpet is difficoult. Playing trumpet on a funeral is more difficoult and playing trumpet at a friends funeral is the hardest thing I sometimes have to do. Yesterday was one such gig. And now I?m coming home from another easter gig that was brodcasted live on national TV. 
Thinking about this I feel a scense of pride that I?m actually able to do this despit of social anxiety, depression and all the other nasty issues. I do however use betablockers and sometimes alco a small amount of benzos.

What do i want to clean up most?  Well the two first counters. PMO and alcohol.  Those numbers I would like to grow as big as possible. Orgasms ar natural and nothing I will focus on too much, however I still want to track when I?m having them as to se if there are any consecvenses of some sort in mood, anxiety or what not.


Here ia a good article on dopamine that I will note down so I can go back and rerad it later: http://www.collective-evolution.com/2016/03/19/a-complete-guide-to-dopamine-imbalance-symptoms-reactions/

harry, Thank you so much for the welcome. I did take my testosterone about 10 months ago and it came back in the very high end and the really surpriced me. I guess I could try to look at estrogene levels also to make sure they are not to high.

fyg, That is the way I intend to do it. A funny thing to note is: I actually get better erection when doing that then if I watch porn at the same time (when relapsing). So I get better erections with just my own touch then when using porn and whanking. I wonder why that is. Maybe because I know porn is bad so I can?t fully relax when relapsing because I know I?m doing sometimg that can damage me. ...Who knows.

aslowturning, I 100% agree with you. Self-acceptance is powerfull. Thanks for your input.

I grew up in a household where we would celebrate weight loss by having an ice cream sundae.  No joke.

Why not celebrate one month of freedom from PMO by engaging in PMO?  That's my sick mind for you.  I've actually been on hard mode this past week because my spouse has been in Florida this week visiting relatives.  It goes back to the old Airplane! movie joke: "I guess I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue!"

I'll be OK today.  One day, one hour, sometimes one minute at a time. 

Gabriel

Gabriel1960,  why did you write that EXACT same thing in 8 different journals?

No Porn  Day 3
Limited alcohol  Day 1
Total, bad ass points 4

Day without orgasm 0
Morningwood 50%
Libido 00%
Mood    50%
Confidence 30%
Anxiety  10%
Shyness/introvertness  20%
Life cake *  50%
Bodyweight  82,5 kg
HRV  76
Limited alcohol=max 7 units/week

When writing in this journal I shall try to remeber to do so with brutal honesty. Even if I feel shame about things I write I should still write it down. This is about processing emotions, getting to know my self and, in a therapeutic way find pieces that can be put in better places then where they currently are. It is not about seeking validation, approval or anything like that.

For example one shamefull thing: I was over at my parents house yesterday and while I was there I sat at the computer for some hours and was having a very personal argue with my EX girlfriend.  This morning when visiting my parents my mother told me I had forgot to log out from my FB account. I don?t think she did any snooping in my mailbox but if she did she would have seen all the stuff mothers should not be reading about their sons

Today I will try to gain momentum with my gymtraining again. I have been lazy and my selfeastem has come down a bit because of that.

I really want to get out of this slump I`m in right now. I have gotten here by letting me slip of my exercise rutines and instead using short time dopamine boosts such as junk food, porn, alcohol. It is no wonder the mood and self esteam suffers. We reap what we sow.

****************************************************************************************************************************************************
*Life cake: consists of 4 pieces that should be tapped into every day (there is no quick fix) : 1) music  2) exercicing 3) personal growth, pushing comfort zones  4) sozialising/nature/play

Triggers: If you feel  feelings of loneliness, beeing an outsider, a victum of lifes unfairness, jealousy, boredom, to confident, horny.

If you are having urges and are close to a relapse ALWAYS think about how bad you will feel after it?s done, WHY you are rebooting.

Things to do to handle cravings/negative feelings, do it RIGHT AWAY! :
-Jump on the crosstrainer and exercise  (my main strategy, 20 minutes no mather what time a day )
-Go banging your drum and process the emotions by saying them out loud at the same time you are drumming. Do it for at least 15 minutes.
-Lift weights
-Go for a walk, in the woods. Bring coffe and enjoy.
-Meditate

No Porn  Day 4
Limited alcohol  Day 2
Total, bad ass points 6

Day since orgasm 1
Morningwood ?%
Libido 00%
Mood    50%
Confidence 40%
Anxiety  20%
Shyness/introvertness  30%
Life cake *  70%
Bodyweight  82,5 kg
HRV  82
Limited alcohol=max 7 units/week


I want to get better at having free time. Very often my weekends are wasted by ecapism. Numbing my emotions with something just to avoid spending time with my self.  I have not found many effective ways of getting over this...I think my most effective so far is a walk in the nature but, that too, pales in comparsion tp todays high speed internet porn. My brain is still desensitized.


****************************************************************************************************************************************************
*Life cake: consists of 4 pieces that should be tapped into every day (there is no quick fix) : 1) music  2) exercicing 3) personal growth, pushing comfort zones  4) sozialising/nature/play

Triggers: If you feel  feelings of loneliness, beeing an outsider, a victum of lifes unfairness, jealousy, boredom, to confident, horny.

If you are having urges and are close to a relapse ALWAYS think about how bad you will feel after it?s done, WHY you are rebooting.

Things to do to handle cravings/negative feelings, do it RIGHT AWAY! :
-Jump on the crosstrainer and exercise  (my main strategy, 20 minutes no mather what time a day )
-Go banging your drum and process the emotions by saying them out loud at the same time you are drumming. Do it for at least 15 minutes.
-Lift weights
-Go for a walk, in the woods. Bring coffe and enjoy.
-Meditate

No Porn  Day 5
Limited alcohol  Day 3
Self esteem, bad ass points 8

Day since orgasm 2
Morningwood ?%
Libido 10%
Mood    60%
Confidence 50%
Anxiety  30%
Shyness/introvertness  30%
Life cake *  70%
Bodyweight  83,3 kg
HRV  71
Limited alcohol=max 7 units/week


Damn my hands are shaky even though I?m not nervous. Don?t know if it?s just withdrawals or something else. I?m going to experiment with high doses of magnesium, starting today.



****************************************************************************************************************************************************
*Life cake: consists of 4 pieces that should be tapped into every day (there is no quick fix) : 1) music  2) exercicing 3) personal growth, pushing comfort zones  4) sozialising/nature/play

Triggers: If you feel  feelings of loneliness, beeing an outsider, a victum of lifes unfairness, jealousy, boredom, to confident, horny.

If you are having urges and are close to a relapse ALWAYS think about how bad you will feel after it?s done, WHY you are rebooting.

Things to do to handle cravings/negative feelings, do it RIGHT AWAY! :
-Jump on the crosstrainer and exercise  (my main strategy, 20 minutes no mather what time a day )
-Go banging your drum and process the emotions by saying them out loud at the same time you are drumming. Do it for at least 15 minutes.
-Lift weights
-Go for a walk, in the woods. Bring coffe and enjoy.
-Meditate

No Porn  Day 6
Limited alcohol  Day 4
Self esteem, bad ass points 10

Day since orgasm 1
Morningwood ?%
Libido 10%
Mood    60%
Confidence 50%
Anxiety  30%
Shyness/introvertness  30%
Life cake *  40%
Bodyweight  83,3 kg
HRV  77
Limited alcohol=max 7 units/week


Still a lot of tremors in my body and hands. Do i really hafe to give up coffee or what?s going on?


****************************************************************************************************************************************************
*Life cake: consists of 4 pieces that should be tapped into every day (there is no quick fix) : 1) music  2) exercicing 3) personal growth, pushing comfort zones  4) sozialising/nature/play

Triggers: If you feel  feelings of loneliness, beeing an outsider, a victum of lifes unfairness, jealousy, boredom, to confident, horny.

If you are having urges and are close to a relapse ALWAYS think about how bad you will feel after it?s done, WHY you are rebooting.

Things to do to handle cravings/negative feelings, do it RIGHT AWAY! :
-Jump on the crosstrainer and exercise  (my main strategy, 20 minutes no mather what time a day )
-Go banging your drum and process the emotions by saying them out loud at the same time you are drumming. Do it for at least 15 minutes.
-Lift weights
-Go for a walk, in the woods. Bring coffe and enjoy.
-Meditate
Modify message

Hey Dom,
Just to say welcome to RBN. I am impressed with your zeal and commitment to overcome this addiction. Well done. Keep going. Day at a time.FF

No Porn  Day 7
Limited alcohol  Day 5
Self esteem, bad ass points 12

Day since orgasm 0
Morningwood 70%
Libido 30%
Mood    60%
Confidence 50%
Anxiety  25%
Shyness/introvertness  25%
Life cake *  30%
Bodyweight  83,3 kg
HRV  ?
Limited alcohol=max 7 units/week


This day was a bit better in regards to dopamine levels in my brain. Better mood and better focus and I also noticed less tremor in my body. Limiting alcohole and staying away from PMO is very important for me. The as a bonus if I?m able to limit coffee that would be great as well.

Feetfirst,  Thank you for your kind words  I will come visit your journal!


Edit late at night: I am ashamed to confess a big pmo relapse. Just as I was starting to feel a bit better I fell down again. The weekends are so difficoult for me an this time I thought I would make it since I did not drink alcohol.
The triggers today was borderline surfing on youtube at work and when I got home the loneliness got the better of me. The scary thing is I knew I was about to relapse and I let it happen because of my mood beeing low. Thoughts like: "what's the point? I don't have any family/girlfriend anyway so  I might as well enjoy porn". I should not listen to them. It's lies because I CAN get a girlfriend and I have the power to improve my life.


****************************************************************************************************************************************************
*Life cake: consists of 4 pieces that should be tapped into every day (there is no quick fix) : 1) music  2) exercicing 3) personal growth, pushing comfort zones  4) sozialising/nature/play

Triggers: If you feel  feelings of loneliness, beeing an outsider, a victum of lifes unfairness, jealousy, boredom, to confident, horny.

If you are having urges and are close to a relapse ALWAYS think about how bad you will feel after it?s done, WHY you are rebooting.

Things to do to handle cravings/negative feelings, do it RIGHT AWAY! :
-Jump on the crosstrainer and exercise  (my main strategy, 20 minutes no mather what time a day )
-Go banging your drum and process the emotions by saying them out loud at the same time you are drumming. Do it for at least 15 minutes.
-Lift weights
-Go for a walk, in the woods. Bring coffe and enjoy.
-Meditate
Modify message

No Porn  Day 1
Limited alcohol  Day 6
Self esteem, bad ass points 7

Day since orgasm 1
Morningwood 70%
Libido 30%
Mood    60%
Confidence 50%
Anxiety  15%
Shyness/introvertness  25%
Life cake *  30%
Bodyweight  82,4 kg
HRV  ?
Limited alcohol=max 7 units/week


I feel cravings already. Not not necessarily for porn but for ANY escapism. Just want to escape.  Coffee....I will a allow myself another cup.


****************************************************************************************************************************************************
*Life cake: consists of 4 pieces that should be tapped into every day (there is no quick fix) : 1) music  2) exercicing 3) personal growth, pushing comfort zones  4) sozialising/nature/play

Triggers: If you feel  feelings of loneliness, beeing an outsider, a victum of lifes unfairness, jealousy, boredom, to confident, horny.

If you are having urges and are close to a relapse ALWAYS think about how bad you will feel after it?s done, WHY you are rebooting.

Things to do to handle cravings/negative feelings, do it RIGHT AWAY! :
-Jump on the crosstrainer and exercise  (my main strategy, 20 minutes no mather what time a day )
-Go banging your drum and process the emotions by saying them out loud at the same time you are drumming. Do it for at least 15 minutes.
-Lift weights
-Go for a walk, in the woods. Bring coffe and enjoy.
-Meditate

Hi Dom,

I noticed somebody else called you Dom, so hope you don't mind?

Thanks for posting on my journal again. I noticed you saying about walking in nature paling in comparison a few posts back, and I can sympathise with you saying your brain is desensitised, I've felt that in the past, though whether it was because of P, I don't know... I know I was disconnected from nature... and my appreciation has returned now. I'd also spent near 15 to 20 years away from it (nature) for one reason or another.

Coffee, I drink one good cup per day max now, with the odd indiscretion that takes me to two now-and-again. I sometimes buy some real good shit from the supermarket, some sumatran organic and cook it on the hob... man... it's the best! Anymore, and it just makes me too anxious!!

And re: Girlfriend... Yes, you can get a girlfriend dude... I don't mind saying that I had my first, what I would call, committed, relatively wholesome relationship with a girlfriend four years ago. We're finished now, but it was a thing!

I hope none of that sounds preachy, Dom. Just sharing with a fellow dude and self-improver


Peace, fyg

PS. I noticed your stats and content were for the large part damn positive - so most of what I posted was referring to previous posts!

Keep going Dom you are doing great. Good commitment to the cause. Day at a time. FF