Felt recovered until Flatline hit back harder. Has anyone been through similar??

After being a lurker on these forums for the past 6 months, I was hoping to come here with a massive success story to bring hope and motivation to all of you struggling out there but unfortunately I?m not there yet I?ve suffered a terrifying setback and need answers.

I?m a 24 year old long term 10+ year PMO addict, started when I was 13 and had a massive problem with edging for hours especially in the last 2 years before I quit. I could feel the quality of my erections decreasing over time addicted as I was escalating and getting death grip. I knew I needed to stop after discovering YBOP etc.. but I I just couldn?t I was that addicted. I?ve been trying to quit for about 3 years but only got a serious streak going since August 2019.

I used PMO daily to medicate my severe mental health problems including extremely low self-esteem, anxiety, OCD and horrific depression. I never had sex before my current relationship and had a nightmare ED experience when I was 16 (I think most likely a combination of PA and light PIED), which caused huge mental health problems for me and shattered my confidence for years.

Luckily I finally met an amazing girl last summer that pulled me out of that hell and inspired me to finally kick PMO addiction for good and rewire.

I started my reboot from PMO in August just after meeting my current girlfriend having failed on the first attempt at sex. Was never sure if this was PIED or just performance anxiety but I?ve concluded that it was most likely PA as I always got erections when kissing/touching her and I was able to have successful sex the second time trying after 2 weeks of no O. This second time was successful although I had DE which I eventually overcame in the next few weeks. The quality of it improved overtime also especially as I got over PA. I never watched P and never MO, only O through sex / bj with my gf.

However, although I had sex successfully I was (and still am) suffering with the awful withdrawal symptoms most notably the FLATLINE.

My flatline started on day 1 when I stopped PMO and was as bad as anyone?s, I experienced absolutely DEAD libido, no morning wood, insomnia, anhedonia, depression, major anxiety and torturous OCD thoughts including HOCD. Flatlines were that bad I contemplated suicide many times despite having a brilliant relationship, it made me question whether the whole reboot & rewire process was worth it at all. Thankfully I was able to have sex with O pretty much every week but I fell back into flatline straight after it every time for the entire months of September and October 2019. Then in November I would have sex with no flatline after it, libido back fully for the week, but then have sex the next week, then back to flatline again. This eventually stopped in December, 110 days in to no PMO, I stopped flatlining after sex and felt my libido come back to what I felt was regular levels. I was on top of the world felt like a human being again after years of hell. Insomnia GONE, anxiety GONE, depression and anhedonia GONE, any form of PIED I may have had GONE. My relationship was going great and I had an amazing Christmas. I was having sex around twice a week with maybe 3 or 4 O?s a time. I was ready to come and write a success story, I thought I had beaten this awful addiction and finally got over demonic flatlines but then 6th January happened?

After having great sex with my gf the night before I woke up with no libido, back in the flatline again, absolutely devastated. Now to this day 16th Jan, I?m still in this flatline after no O?s. What terrifies me is that this flatline feels worse than all of the ones I experienced before, my libido is non-existent my dick feels absolutely dead and shrivelled my insomnia is back with a bang and anxiety about it is getting worse every day. Tomorrow will be 150 days no PMO for me and my libido feels shattered. I?m terrified that this will get worse and not improve and I find it strange that I crashed like this after the amazing month in December where I thought I was cured!

Has anyone experienced anything similar or know of any similar cases? I desperately need reassurance that I?ll eventually recover some day. My OCD is going crazy! I?m really hoping that this will eventually right itself and these flatlines will stop, I know this took the likes of Gabe around 9 months.

I still hope to be an inspiration that even if you have a severe long term 10+ years PMO addiction with no prior sexual experience, problems with edging, porn induced fetishes, escalation and erection problems that you can get better and have successful sex like I did.

Please feel free to ask me any questions about my journey.

Peace.

Sorry to say, I think you rushed into it mate. 110 days is not that long for recovery for a 10 year addiction with the habits you described. The transition back to sex has to be slow - O'ing 3 or 4 times every time you had sex probably wears your system out.

Also, I think it's wrong to say, that your libido returned after you had sex with your girlfriend. What I rather think happened was that the dopamine from having sex made you feel like everything was back to normal. Remember, we have conditioned our brain to release excess amounts of dopamine from P and M stimuli which I would think also spills into physical sex. What we do in the recovery is, we dampen the impact of the pathways that release this amount of dopamine. A flatline here, is a sign that we have released all the dopamine in the system and are now running flat.

By having sex with your gf, your overall dopamine levels rose for a time (which can easily last for multiple days, even weeks), but then flatlined because you were running out of dopamine. Sorry to say, but I think that you just need to muscle through it. That is not to say that your progress is lost. But it does mean that you probably have to give your system a rest at some point.

Good luck!

I was kind of forced into it because I just met this girl and I wanted to stay with her. I'm now in a relationship and I believe if I was unable to have sex for that long the relationship would have fell apart.
But I do think you're right that I hadn't fully recovered which is why I experienced another flatline. Do you think I could make better progress if I limit Os to maybe one per session or have a period of time abstaining from O altogether?
I still feel I made significant progress from cutting out the P and M, I have no desire to ever go back to it and feel the strong addiction to it is gone but I still remember once and addict, always an addict so relapsing is never an option. Plenty of mental health benefits too but still a few sexual issues.. Often I feel my arousal drop off completely on 3rd or 4th round of sex which again probably proves there's still some imbalance 

Yeah, It's understandable why you did as you did.

And yes, I think you should do both. Abstain for a period of time, untill you feel like the flatline feeling is gone.
And then definitely be careful with O's. I would agree with limiting it to once a session. And then probably not more than once a week/every second week or something.

I would start out very carefully and then keep it like that for a couple of month to see what happens. It probably wont be easy to be that disciplined with her, but the alternative is much worse.

Good luck mate.