Dangerous territory

Had something interesting happen last night during some intimate time between me and gf. She started whispering something in my ear she thought would turn me on and help me climax. I didn't stop her. I haven't told her I'm trying to break my porn addiction (she knows about it, but doesn't know a fraction of how bad it's gotten), and I didn't want to kill the mood or embarrass her. It became clear to me though, both during the moment and afterwards, that a conversation definitely needs to happen, because storytelling like that may as well be porn to me, and I can't control my porn use IN ANY FORM. Stories activate all the same mental images as porn, and they can easily take me out of the experience of physical intimacy and transport me to fantasyland, and, for this addict, fantasyland is one stop short of pornville -- it's dangerous territory. This is a real bummer, because I used to love that shit. I wonder if one day I'll be able to reincorporate it into my sex life, in a healthy way? I doubt it, though. Love to hear y'alls thoughts on this.

I think you are right to recognize it as a trigger at this, I'm assuming, early stage in the reboot process. However, I think there should be a role for fantasy in a long-term relationship. I have been with the same partner for 28 years and I think you do need to have a bit of fun for sex to stay interesting.

switched_off said:

I think you are right to recognize it as a trigger at this, I'm assuming, early stage in the reboot process. However, I think there should be a role for fantasy in a long-term relationship. I have been with the same partner for 28 years and I think you do need to have a bit of fun for sex to stay interesting.

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Good feedback switched_off. Thank you!

If you can have sex and can have orgasm during sex, then, yes, porn can be a problem, but compared to many here, you don't have much in the way of problems.  The enemy is not dopamine, but use of artificial sexual stimulation to achieve prolonged, powerful dopamine rushes, meaning porn is more efficient than sex, for most here, to achieve that high. Just work on quitting porn, and enjoy your sex life.  It will all be OK. 

Had the conversation with her last night. Told her that I'm a porn addict. She laughed and said, "No, you're not. You use porn just like every other guy. It may be a bit excessive, but you're not an addict." I realized that her response was simply based on what she knew, and I replied, "You don't know how bad it's gotten. I spend multiple hours every day watching porn." She looked disgusted. "Hours?!" she asked. I decided to stop the self-disclosure right there. The only new information that she needed to become convinced and disgusted was that the duration of my porn viewing was greater than what she had suspected. I didn't think it was necessary to share that I had been camming/chatting/sexting with others through most of that, or that I was binge-watching content that I found "objectionable," to put it mildly -- stuff that would utterly humiliate me, if it was discovered. That I've been virtually cheating on her for years. I didn't tell her that I would sneak into the bathroom at times, when she was in the next room, just to PMO. Or that I have been on ED meds for the past 2 years to deal with PIED. In short, I've been a functional addict with a highly skilled ability to lead a double life. I'm saying all of this now so that I can see (and express) how bad it had gotten. From my experience, it NEVER gets better. Even after periods of abstinence, I tend to pick up, not where I left off, but where I would've been if I had never quit at all. This is a progressive illness. I do not have the brain of a normal person, and I doubt I ever will. I have to keep that reality in full view, if I am to rebuild my life.