tiredofthe struggle
Active Member
My recovery journal
So firstly how did i get here? 45 year old man struggling to recover from secret addiction that i find too shamful to share with those close to me, and also know the pain to them would be unfair and possibly unbearable. I starting looking at porn mags in my teens, but the internet i beleive really kicked this problem in to overdrive in my mid twenties, so i estimate this addiction to be 20+ years in development.
I waste around 15-30 hours a week on this total waste of time resulting in stress, bad moods, tiredness, shame and generally being a less effective human being. Somehow i have managed to sustain my very happy marriage, business (just about), and relationship with my kids, so why does a fortunate guy like me do something like this? 'Addiction'!
I have been caught by my wife on porn sites, and contacting escorts, and somehow managed to come through that with her yet hurt her immensely in so many ways.
I therefore not only have to do this for me, but for my wife, and my children. What more reason should i need.
So 04.12.17 the start of my final recovery which after 20 years wont be easy, wont be quick, and wont be without bumps in the road, so this is my recovery tracker/log.
What do i want to be?
1. A happy, confident, good human.
2. Financially secure.
3. A better husband (i already do much right, this is my only real negative)
4. A better dad
5. Physically and mentally healthy
6. To be genuinely proud of who i am.
How will i do it?
1 small step at a time my first small goals are.
1. A week without any porn.
2. To practice mindfulness daily
3. To focus more attention on my work during office hours
4. To focus more attention on my family out of office hours.
So 11.12.17 i must report back on my first small steps.
Best of luck everyone in your journeys, any advice welcome!!!!!
So firstly how did i get here? 45 year old man struggling to recover from secret addiction that i find too shamful to share with those close to me, and also know the pain to them would be unfair and possibly unbearable. I starting looking at porn mags in my teens, but the internet i beleive really kicked this problem in to overdrive in my mid twenties, so i estimate this addiction to be 20+ years in development.
I waste around 15-30 hours a week on this total waste of time resulting in stress, bad moods, tiredness, shame and generally being a less effective human being. Somehow i have managed to sustain my very happy marriage, business (just about), and relationship with my kids, so why does a fortunate guy like me do something like this? 'Addiction'!
I have been caught by my wife on porn sites, and contacting escorts, and somehow managed to come through that with her yet hurt her immensely in so many ways.
I therefore not only have to do this for me, but for my wife, and my children. What more reason should i need.
So 04.12.17 the start of my final recovery which after 20 years wont be easy, wont be quick, and wont be without bumps in the road, so this is my recovery tracker/log.
What do i want to be?
1. A happy, confident, good human.
2. Financially secure.
3. A better husband (i already do much right, this is my only real negative)
4. A better dad
5. Physically and mentally healthy
6. To be genuinely proud of who i am.
How will i do it?
1 small step at a time my first small goals are.
1. A week without any porn.
2. To practice mindfulness daily
3. To focus more attention on my work during office hours
4. To focus more attention on my family out of office hours.
So 11.12.17 i must report back on my first small steps.
Best of luck everyone in your journeys, any advice welcome!!!!!