Objectified1
Active Member
I decided it would be good for me to start a journal myself to document my recovery after my husbands porn use.
I am constantly surprised at a few things. One being the constant ups and downs and two being the things I am learning about men, women, people and relationships.
I was raised in a christian home and so I Was taught (as a lot of people are not), the significance that sex plays in a relationship, about keeping ourselves pure, abstaining from lust etc. While I didn't exactly adhere when I was younger, as I got older I aligned my life more to the beliefs I was brought up in. My beliefs aligned with the beliefs I was taught as I trusted The Lord Jesus Christ with my salvation and wanted to please him with my life.
At no point in my life have I ever been perfect and never will be. I constantly strayed and was stunted in my life as a christian (still am and suspect always will be to a point) because I did not surrender my will and therefore my life to my Lord and Savior the Lord Jesus Christ.
This event (my husband being into porn and various forms of lust) I feel has been instrumental in drawing me closer to God. Not only am I learning more to turn to him, but I have learned that he is the only one who can and will love me the way I am seeking. He is the only one who can fill the void within me. My husband can be my companion and my partner and can love me to a degree, but I cannot be completed in him like I can be in The Lord Jesus Christ. I am learning that God loves us to much to give us a life of ease. This hurts. This addiction/compulsion that my husband developed drives pain to my core. It hurts in such a way, I can't even describe. When your husband is looking at other women as desirable and (more or less) has replaced you with pixels on a screen and random women walking down the street, it does major damage to your self esteem and self image.
I am learning that the problem is NOT me. I am learning, through many tears and doubts, long hours, days and weeks of wrestling within myself, contemplation, anger etc that I am more then a body. I am more then a perky pair of breasts and a firm backside. My value DOES NOT decrease when my physical body changes and is no longer top notch. I was sitting in church this morning and it hit me. I do NOT need to worry about his thoughts or what he is seeing when he is looking at women. First of all, If he is not filling his mind with filth and porn then his views should change. We see what we think (more or less). When you look at that women walking down the street, even if she is attractive, if you see and take note (notice) that she is attractive, there is nothing wrong with that. However, there is a big difference in attraction and arousal. If you see that women and notice she is attractive and it arouses you and you start to think lustful thoughts about her, it is because your mind is not seeing a WOMEN, but an OBJECT. A Sex object for your viewing. Not a physically attractive PERSON on her way to work, with worries on her mind and kids to raise. Or maybe shes going to the grocery store to get supplies because she is having a party to celebrate her graduation.A PERSON. She is a PERSON.
I am learning that God loves me and ascribes value to me, he sent his one and only son to die on the cross for me, and that no matter what anyone does, says or how they act that I am valuable and I am loved. My value is not tied to my body. I am so much more then a body. I never realized how much I was devaluing myself by feeling disgusted with my body after I found out what he was doing. By hating myself. I am a child of God.
Men are visual, sure...so are women. We all subscribe value to beauty and that's fine. We should (if we are not filling our minds with filth, garbage in garbage out, and are somewhat mature individuals) get aroused by a combination of our spouses appearance AND the emotions that connect us to them...Women are more emotional them men, yes, but men are not idiots that do not have emotions and in this regard men's arousal's should work the same. Sure we all CAN be aroused without emotion and purely by the physical....hence the porn problem, but if we are not teaching ourselves to do that it should be happening less and less.
And one more thing I think I realized that is so important, God will take care of me and my husband. I cannot and will not try to "fix" him. I need to pray and leave things with God. It's how I found out what the problem was in the first place. God cares what happens in my life. He will not only help my husband recover, but he will help me have a complete restoration. When I find myself worrying and fretting about what is going on with hubby, if hes getting better, if he looked at her, does he find me fat and unattractive, does he love me, will he do this to me again, is he STILL doing it now, can I trust him etc....I try to leave it with God knowing that he loves me and will work all things for my good. Not only can God help me but he loves my husband as well, even more then I do and will bring him to restoration as well. It is a work in progress and I do and will fail at it continually, but then I just get before God in prayer, confess my lack of faith, pain, doubt and fear to him and start again.
I am constantly surprised at a few things. One being the constant ups and downs and two being the things I am learning about men, women, people and relationships.
I was raised in a christian home and so I Was taught (as a lot of people are not), the significance that sex plays in a relationship, about keeping ourselves pure, abstaining from lust etc. While I didn't exactly adhere when I was younger, as I got older I aligned my life more to the beliefs I was brought up in. My beliefs aligned with the beliefs I was taught as I trusted The Lord Jesus Christ with my salvation and wanted to please him with my life.
At no point in my life have I ever been perfect and never will be. I constantly strayed and was stunted in my life as a christian (still am and suspect always will be to a point) because I did not surrender my will and therefore my life to my Lord and Savior the Lord Jesus Christ.
This event (my husband being into porn and various forms of lust) I feel has been instrumental in drawing me closer to God. Not only am I learning more to turn to him, but I have learned that he is the only one who can and will love me the way I am seeking. He is the only one who can fill the void within me. My husband can be my companion and my partner and can love me to a degree, but I cannot be completed in him like I can be in The Lord Jesus Christ. I am learning that God loves us to much to give us a life of ease. This hurts. This addiction/compulsion that my husband developed drives pain to my core. It hurts in such a way, I can't even describe. When your husband is looking at other women as desirable and (more or less) has replaced you with pixels on a screen and random women walking down the street, it does major damage to your self esteem and self image.
I am learning that the problem is NOT me. I am learning, through many tears and doubts, long hours, days and weeks of wrestling within myself, contemplation, anger etc that I am more then a body. I am more then a perky pair of breasts and a firm backside. My value DOES NOT decrease when my physical body changes and is no longer top notch. I was sitting in church this morning and it hit me. I do NOT need to worry about his thoughts or what he is seeing when he is looking at women. First of all, If he is not filling his mind with filth and porn then his views should change. We see what we think (more or less). When you look at that women walking down the street, even if she is attractive, if you see and take note (notice) that she is attractive, there is nothing wrong with that. However, there is a big difference in attraction and arousal. If you see that women and notice she is attractive and it arouses you and you start to think lustful thoughts about her, it is because your mind is not seeing a WOMEN, but an OBJECT. A Sex object for your viewing. Not a physically attractive PERSON on her way to work, with worries on her mind and kids to raise. Or maybe shes going to the grocery store to get supplies because she is having a party to celebrate her graduation.A PERSON. She is a PERSON.
I am learning that God loves me and ascribes value to me, he sent his one and only son to die on the cross for me, and that no matter what anyone does, says or how they act that I am valuable and I am loved. My value is not tied to my body. I am so much more then a body. I never realized how much I was devaluing myself by feeling disgusted with my body after I found out what he was doing. By hating myself. I am a child of God.
Men are visual, sure...so are women. We all subscribe value to beauty and that's fine. We should (if we are not filling our minds with filth, garbage in garbage out, and are somewhat mature individuals) get aroused by a combination of our spouses appearance AND the emotions that connect us to them...Women are more emotional them men, yes, but men are not idiots that do not have emotions and in this regard men's arousal's should work the same. Sure we all CAN be aroused without emotion and purely by the physical....hence the porn problem, but if we are not teaching ourselves to do that it should be happening less and less.
And one more thing I think I realized that is so important, God will take care of me and my husband. I cannot and will not try to "fix" him. I need to pray and leave things with God. It's how I found out what the problem was in the first place. God cares what happens in my life. He will not only help my husband recover, but he will help me have a complete restoration. When I find myself worrying and fretting about what is going on with hubby, if hes getting better, if he looked at her, does he find me fat and unattractive, does he love me, will he do this to me again, is he STILL doing it now, can I trust him etc....I try to leave it with God knowing that he loves me and will work all things for my good. Not only can God help me but he loves my husband as well, even more then I do and will bring him to restoration as well. It is a work in progress and I do and will fail at it continually, but then I just get before God in prayer, confess my lack of faith, pain, doubt and fear to him and start again.