Quitting Forever Starting Today- A Log

I am here to quit the stuff forever. I am happy to say, that I really decreased the severity of my addiction over the years, but this leads to a big danger, the rationalizations. Rationalizations that lead to slips, that lead to short relapses, ones that the addiction can rationalize can be lived with, until you realize your penis doesn't work and you've lost out on many great relationships because of it. Or you realize that you simply are "off" the next day something is wrong emotionally and you can't perform at your best, it seems slight but add it up over a year or two and you're broke who knows how many opportunities or how much money was lost from being "off" once a week.

This log is about quitting FOREVER. Not that I will write forever. But I quit P, M,O as well as (BIG problems for me) fantasy about the developed fetishes or EVER acting on them with partners. Over the years, I have learned that there is absolutely no other option for me.


A bit of background: I actually started with masturbating, but over did it. I watched porn here and there, but with a very active imagination I could fantasize about it intensely. I had some rough times and I think that worsened the issue and caused me to get into bizarre fetishes and fairly compulsive masturbation. I'd never kissed a girl by the age of 15 or so. I worked hard, going out and talking to women for three years pretty consistently until at 18 I met a girl, got my first kiss  and had sex with her.... sort of. I went limp in seconds, I really liked the girl, what a shit experience.

This stuff kept happening, meanwhile I did not make the connection. A major life goal did not work out, I changed cities and got an iphone for the first time. I started watching WAAYYYY more porn. Not realizing it was making the problem worse. I had maybe half a dozen penis not working experiences, awful awful experiences. With women I really liked, my confidence being really harmed by having never had a relationship.

Finally at around age 23, a friend referred me to YBOP. I immediately was like fuck yeah! I quit everything, my confidence was great and I had enjoyable sex exactly two weeks later. The first time sex fully worked for me, able to feel it etc.

I had slips here and there, but always after around two weeks I could function. More often than not I'd quit for months at a time. I finally had a few girlfriends and had sex!

But, I would sometimes slip and my penis wouldn't work again. I thought, I should take a break from sex and women to go the full 90 days no PMO. Probable mistake, women, after a few weeks of full sobriety (to allow me to not be triggered by them) aided me greatly. I was on the right path, I just needed to commit harder.

I still had a fantasy problem, compulsively fantasizing, I noticed it effected me mentally and my erections. During this time ^I set out to quit that. I was ALMOST there, withdrawal was bad then I made my biggest mistake!!!!!

I joined a 12 step group! What a disaster! I had already essentially quit, what was I thinking!!!! It is a cult and the constantly tell you, you are powerless to the addiction and that if you quit without them it wasn't real. They put that in your head over and over, and of course THAT became a self fulfillling prophecy and I did lapse. This was a few years ago and I have not had the same level of quitting since. What a fucking mess that was. I can't describe how crazy that shit was. It was soooo foolish to join that group, I'd already pretty much quit and was just putting the finishing touches on ending my fantasy habit.


Anyway, the past is the past. Here I am: My cravings are not as strong, the issue is rationalizing it's okay mostly. This problem has fucked up enough of my life, taken away enough incredible relationships and experiences I missed out on. Even, shockingly put me in dangerous situations (I am sad to say I just a few times did try and find sex workers, putting myself in dangerous situations).

Anyway, I busted my ass, I am a confidence charismatic guy (I built that, it can be done) who can date girls, have relationships and be very successful. I'd love to say this is day 90 or so, but this is day 1. I am not too concerned with day counting, just quitting forever in this moment!

Anyway, I will log about it here, I can't promise how often or by what system, except it'll be at least on each Friday.

Hope the journal helps ya'll.

Figured I'd post a little update. Today is day 1. For me, M'ing with fantasies throws my brain for a crazy loop. I felt pretty bad, irritable thinking people were my enemy and that most people didn't like me. I am trying to use language that is not too extreme, but it was very bad. Anyway, I am going to spend the evening reading, reading and reading some more. Surfing the internet in general is best for me to avoid, it eats up time and I do that somewhat compulsively as well.

I had a job interview today that went badly, I felt irritated most of the day and I tried to talk to some girls and most of the conversations went badly. On top of that, I was supposed to see a girl today and she completely flaked on me. It was like almost everything went wrong. I think, perhaps, that is how things work; acting on those shitty cravings just leads to idk things going badly it's bizarre.

Anyway, my brain is fried sorry that this is likely not very cohesive. I am keeping the end in mind, this is the beginning of the journal, I may feel like shit for a day or a few days and then periodically, but once I progress and am further away from this addiction I will feel better and things will go better for me.

I am excited about getting through these first few weeks to start. I LOVE that, because after 2-3 weeks I know my penis actually will most likely work if I end up with a girl. It's just a hell of a lot better as a man, to walk around knowing you have a working penis lol. I am keeping the long game in mind. These next few days, just built the days. I can build on what I am doing bit by bit. After two weeks, I am going to go hard on getting dates and having a dating life again. Tomorrow the plan is to perhaps journal here just a little bit, read some self-help books and aim to write out some goals, to give me a boost and put some good stuff in my head bit by bit, then see a friend for lunch before work.

So, looks like I am writing more often than I had planned to start haha. This is day 2 now I guess. This is a permanent thing but I can't help thinking "13 days to go" just because getting those first two weeks really excites me and I look forward to dating again and being able to have sex, feeling a lot more confident with girls etc.

Anyway, I snoozed my alarm a few times but am still up at a decent time. It's best to get straight out of bed, but it was nice to be able to stay in bed a bit longer without over doing it and staying in for like hours, which often happens if I hit snooze which throws of my day.

As soon as  I woke up I felt pretty good. Reading last night was just what I needed, no internet or anything. I just read for a good 2 hours or so. I read some business books and a bit of inspiring fiction books designed to teach positive lessons.

This is teaching me to keep this in mind: Reading! Not just when I get free moments throughout the day, but by design, after getting everything else done, reading books, for hours straight. It was such a mind clearer for me. Also having this day between acting on the addiction and now I think also was a big help, I feel so much better.

I am having the occasional briefest of flashes of images of P related fantasies, but very brief and I CAN control them. Absolutely. That is the key lesson for me to relearn. In that 12 step program over and over, if you said you CAN control something you were wrong that was the worst thing in the world, until eventually you were convinced you had no control. Well, the key is to remember I have 100% control, it may be hard sometimes but 100% I will control it, be free of this stuff for ever no matter what and thats it...

For the morning I may do a bit of meditation, and will set aside perhaps an hour or two of working through some self help books to start thinking about my goals and what I want, after that lunch with a friend and finally work. I guess I will just post in the journal as much as I want and/or I feel benefits me.

Actually I'll take a minute to acknowledge how awful this addiction/habit was, I think it is important to remember:

I would waste hours a day on it. I lost out on having a wonderful girlfriend at 18, that would have been a big difference for me confidence and life experience versus it happening at 23. I lost out on this very attractive sweet girl who was into yoga. She came home with me, I repeatedly went soft in her, it was so awkward and she told me it was a mistake being with me the next day. There was another cute girl same thing. Basically a stream of sexual experiences my penis not working and girls ignoring me after, sending me texts that were angry. Now maybe, if you told a girl you had a problem it would be better, but in my experience it just sucks all around. I was so upset about my dating life, if I looked back though just cutting this problem out would have resulted in so many girlfriends, the confidence boost, enjoy ability of having those connections etc. would have been life changing.

You can't go back in the past, it's just good to remember, so I don't let the addiction ever rationalize, that "just a little" is okay. This shit is life ruining and has to be completely cut out.

Today was sooo much better. Just having that first day under my belt made such a difference, it's like my brain was back in balance. It's so bizarre, how taking the right actions and feeling good also seem to lead to positive coincidences and good luck. A girl I went on a couple of dates with a few weeks back contacted me out of the blue today, we spoke on the phone which was pretty nice and we will likely see each other early next week.

She is very sexually in experienced and likely would want to move things very slowly which is perfect!! No pressure on me to perform and I can possibly spend some time with her, spending time with nice women is a very positive thing for me for sure.

Last night I did my hours of reading, it was amazing. This morning I posted here, then meditated and did more reading! Last night I tailored my reading toward reading things that are interesting as well as a bit of fiction with a good positive story. This was nice and relaxing and a great way to finish the day and clear my head. Then, in the morning I read some self help books and did some of the written exercises they had. I enjoyed this and feel I am investing by putting good things in my head, I believe doing this periodically will help me to be more motivated and positive, it certainly helped me today.


Work was uneventful, I certainly felt different fairly calm, people seemed mostly normal. I got irritated once a bit quickly, but these things happen and I did not act on this feeling.

I have a few flashes to P here and there, but simply ignore it. I know that stuff is awful. For tonight, I am going to settle down with my nice positive novel again and likely read it for a few hours until I fall asleep. Not that I hope for this, but in the chance I get a craving late in the night or am woken up by one. (those ones are a bit tough). I plan to come on here and make a quick entry about it.

That is something to keep in mind. It's going easy now, I shouldn't worry about it, but be prepared if things are hard. I am willing to pay the price and stay up late go out etc. to distract myself if necessary. The other is continue avoiding the internet for useless purposes, surfing the internet, youtube etc. Mostly not using the internet on my phone at all. This is HUGE for me, it allows me to focus. I noticed my past slips, the most recent. Started with me searching the internet a lot, my brain would turn into mush after a few hours, and rationalizations would begin. So none of that shit.

I want to remember the carrot and the stick. The carrot is that I feel so much better quitting this stuff, I can focus and make what I want to make happen. I can FINALLY get the dating and sex life I have wanted for a long time, plus the realationships with women I have wanted. Which will be so life changing. I really love dating women and having relationships with them. Plus, with this log now I will have a higher sense of meaning by quitting, since I know it can help others guys be inspired to quit as well. A total win-win, more motivation for me and for them.

The stick is: Feeling miserable the next day, my penis not working, orgasms causing no pleasure, having only semi erections even with the porn. Being in bed with a girl who likes me and unable to take my penis out out of embarrassment since it can not get hard. Feeling a lack of control. Behaving oddly with women, since my head ends up in a bad kind of fantasy land .

In conclusion: Quitting Rocks!!! Using is the worst!

Going to keep it up. Feeling good. Going to get the dating life going, step it up in a few weeks when I know my body is ready for more, setting more goals and reading my butt off to start with a nice base of motivation, inspiration and POSITIVE pleasure.

I meant to conclude but a last tangent: I think that is key for more, the positive breaks from life. The last slip I ever did took a bit out of me, so it'll take a few days to have full energy. I can be easy on myself in healthy ways! Reading nice books alone, reading comedy books. For me it's reading, it's a recharger/ break from life but one that is totally healthy and that leaves me refreshed and ready to go unlike say youtube or god forbid P or M.

Last night was another solid night. Did a bunch of reading. Something I am realizing is to keep up healthy habits but learn to be flexible with them. For example, the first night I read in the living room for hours, avoiding my bed which is an area where I would get more cravings out of habit. My roommate had company over, so the living room was unavailable. I ended up simply putting my pillows against the wall, with my bed fully made and sitting up with my back toward the wall perpendicular to the bed. This made the bed feel more like a couch. I read this way until I was quite tired, then switched to reading in bed until I fell asleep. It's a simple little thing, but it was helpful.


This morning I woke up with a moderate erection! Which is a really great sign. That is a huge sign of healing. Now, there is a danger to avoid, rationalization! I think that has been my issue, I already have made great progress with this and heal more quickly, don't have much withdrawal etc. because I have a lot of rewiring under my belt and was in and out of the addiction rather than just constantly PMOing. The dangerous rationalization is to think "a little bit is okay" because it absolutely is not. I am fortunate that upon stopping my progress seems to be very rapid, but that does not mean this is not a HUGE problem. Each time I used, I felt awful afterward, and I still likely need the full two weeks or MORE until I can feel confident my penis is working. Finally, this is maybe tough to admit but I need to remember I NEVER have been at full capacity sexually, I am 26 and NEVER have. Even when I stopped for months, I got cravings after sex, I could have two orgasms with a woman maximum, and the second one was difficult for me. My erections were not always great.

I was functioning and sort of passable, but never reached my full capacity and was fully healed. That is okay, I will get there. It's just critical to remind myself of this, having a not as bad as it was addiction to P and M is totally un acceptable. It must be quit forever. In another 12 days, I have a feeling I will have good sex with a girl, with my dick working. Thats target number one.

There are a few distractions this morning construction outside, an appointment I have to get to. I think scheduling is a good option. I'd rather meditate first thing in the morning, but that is not possible today. I can schedule it in for a later time. In the meantime I will aim to read some positive books, I don't have the time to do as much as yesterday, but it's not all or nothing. Qutting is All in 100% but other healthy habits I'll do my best at, but I don't need to have OCD about it. Yestarday I got to spend an hour and a half reading positive books in the morning, I have other obligations this morning. Ones that are actually fairly healthy themselves so I may just get 30 minutes in of reading. I will plan to do more this evening most likely.


A few other things to improve on:
Yesterday I slept in a bit and was like wow that was not too bad.
Today I spent an extra hour in bed- that is a mistake. Sure it was not the worst, but staying in bed has been a problem for me and I say the pattern. Stay in bed 30 min- feel great, stay in bed an hour- feel pretty good, then soon: stay in bed an hour and a half- feel exhausted all day and miss a ton of shit I had to get done. So tomorrow I am going to JUMP out of bed and do a few calisthenics, I have been doing this on and off the last few weeks and it's GREAT. I was training my body to get up with my alarm, and I have learned OVER SLEEPING is the cause of tiredness usually. If I undersleep but hop out of bed and get going right away I feel really good and start getting tired a bit earlier in the night, if I sleep a  medium amount and do that, I feel good pretty much all day. If I snooze the alarm and sleep in- I feel like a zombie that day.


So, today- Handle some stuff this morning, I have plans to see friends later then set aside time for meditation, positive book reading in the evening. I can KISS, if it's loud put in ear plugs and focus on the books, meditated when it becomes quiet, if it's quiet meditated first books second. I prefer meditating in the morning and find it annoying in the evening, but still it's a beneficial thing and I can go back to doing it in the morning when there is no construction happening and I GET UP EARLIER. Leading to my next point, tomorrow I will jump out of bed with my alarm and do a few calistenics first thing, getting a better start. 

Well, I am really posting more then I planned! Hahaha. Anyway, today is not too active of a day. I had planned to go meet with a friend, but that is not happening. I am kind of deciding between going out a little bit or not. I will have the apartment to myself, which will give me time to meditate and read a lot while it's quiet. I think I am leaning toward that, then I could try and have an activity to do this evening.

The key is just to be disciplined with this time I am going to have free at the apartment.  I feel quite tired at the moment. The key is to do activities that will nourish me. I read an interesting book, it talked about how when stressed or tired, the tendency is to, watch Tv, surf the internet, video games etc. basically to take actions that are mind deadening, after the fact people felt just as tired and not refreshed at all! On the other hand, when people forced themselves to do healthier activities, like going to the park, seeing friends, reading etc, even when they didn't want to.... THAT led to increased energy and feeling renewed. I was out and about a good bit today and I will have to be out most of tomorrow, so perhaps I will mostly stay in but doing these positive activities, meditating, working on writing goals, and finally reading.

It's still early so it probably would make sense to go out for a brief time later this evening. Still.... what I've been missing lately is PLANNING. I need to really outline what I want, why I am doing things. I'd like more friends, but I need to decide what I am really looking for and create a plan to get it. I am just thinking that, there is so much possibility if I just really plan out what it is that I am going to do.


For example, the wanting more friends thing. What action steps should I take? What kind of friends do I want to meet? I need to decide those things and build on that. So I look forward to this time, set aside to plan and learn.

So, did a good bit of reading and what not. It was really good! Reading all of this positive stuff gives me a nice boost. I figure putting an hour in hear and there dedicated to reading and writing positive things is bound to change my habits for the better. Just like bad junk done consistently was bad for my mind, I feel that good stuff will be good.

I am a bit restless now, got a lot of rest. Wish I had something set up with a friend to go out or socialize tonight. I feel  a bit odd about going out alone but am considering it, it could be cool to go and talk to girls and stuff. I may not though. See a bit conflicted hahaha. I do know myself and know that I probably need some form of outing at least for a little bit or else I won't fall asleep. Maybe I could just go for a walk and explore a different part of my neighborhood? I kind of want to find a comedy show to go to..... but feel a bit awkward about going alone. I may well do it though......

So that's the plan, a little outing. Weather a walk, an errand, a comedy show or even talking to a few people around the neighborhood. After that, I will come back home and read again, perhaps I'll try and work a bit, prepare for an upcoming event or do some studying or practice of various skills. I'll either do that or just read, finally I'll read more of my nice novel until I fall asleep zzzz zzzz zzzzz. I'll just post here if I want to, if not will likely do so in the morning. The log is helpful in keeping me grounded, helping me plan my days.


I still would like to improve my attitude a bit, I did some complaining just now, but hey it's progress. All I need to do is keep reading positive things etc. I don't need to be some perfectly positive at all times person nor punish myself. Just investing in myself, reading positive things, putting positive messages in, will aid me greatly over time.

Well the good news is:
This is day 4! So, in another 11 days or so, including today, I will have reached two weeks! It's quite cool how, just by writing that I feel much better! I woke up this morning feeling a bit off, my energy level, my emotions, and physically. I was kind of focused on it, but I realize focusing on the goals, the future stuff definitely helps me to feel better.

I already did my meditation this morning, I may as well do some more reading of positive books. Also, I'd like to plan some things for next week perhaps. I think it will be useful to have things planned, that are on my calendar which I can look forward to.

I am going to see some people today at a small event, one person has an issue with me that I know about. I was a bit stressed about seeing them. I think it is important to change my attitude a bit. I get a long with literally 80% of the group I am about to see today, probably more. I should adjust my focus to those people that I like and get a long with. If an issue arises with the one problem person, I want to aim to trust myself, trust that I can handle it if something did happen. Therefore, for that reason I don't have to ruminate about it and think about it incessantly.

I am also happy to be "internet surfing free", sure I use the internet, but only for something specifically useful, to look up an audio book I want to listen to, to look up a show I wanted to see etc. totally eliminating youtube and the like.

A part of me is a bit frustrated with my writing skills hahaha. I notice there are some type-os and I feel that this log is not particularly cohesive. Oh well, the bottom line is, the log is helpful for me and putting me in the right direction. The number one thing, like it should be for everyone in my opinion, is just making the adjustment to a PMO free life, putting more distance between it and now in terms of time and habits. In that regard I feel, that I am succeeding. I know 100% I quit that stuff. I am noticing my bad mental habits and changing them bit by bit.

For example, I notice when I am reading all of these positive books or when I am meditating, my mind sometimes defaults to worry, rumination and imagining negative or confrontational things. I am looking at those as an opportunity, like "wow, this is good I am putting this positive stuff into my mind, I am replacing the negative with the positive". As I am doing that my mind goes back and forth a bit, the cool thing is, after awhile I am mostly positive!

That is probably what I could use now, a bit of positive reading and stuff to start off my day and get some good stuff going.

So, I am having some cravings for sure. Thats fine, I can have them and replace those feelings with better activities. I think the key is to just be aware of it.

For example, I was just in a store browsing, becoming quite attracted to women, started thinking of their bodies a bit. I personally think this is okay, my goal is to entirely eliminate P,M,O and P inspired fetishes and then just allow my sex life outside of that to be whatever. However I do need to be aware, I know that thinking of women, can lead to thinking of P or to cravings. So it is good to catch that stuff in the bud!

Which I am, just noticing it. I also don't feel too good today. That's okay, I'll do like I said early on, be gentle with myself. I can engage in nourishing, relaxing activities that are also positive. I just got a few more books that I can flip through a bit.


I also remembered something, my issue in the past was allow my addiction to rationalize "well, this isn't so bad I don't look at this stuff so much, besides these fetishes are probably a natural part of me I shouldn't ignore them, I can PMO and it's okay". This awful rationalization. Basically the addiction often does not say " Well this is terrible for me and I am giving up all my dreams, I will do it anyway" it says "Well, I can do it one more time, I didn't REALLY want to quit right? This quitting stuff isn't for me".

That is an important lesson to keep in mind and something I think about, when someone quits something, the mind rationalizes that they don't really want what they are working for, it doesn't tell them they are quitting. It's just a rationalization for when motivation runs out.

For example: I watched this documentary about Navy Seal training, there is this insanely hard week of training called hell week, and for this documentary the training was filmed and the aspiring seals were interviewed at various points. As is usual, more than half of them quit during hell week. To even make it to seal training especially hell week, meant that these men had dedicated their lives to becoming seals they wanted it BAD. But whenever one of them quit the interview was always the same "well, I realized I don't really want to do this for my entire life" "you know I thought I wanted it but I don't really".

I did some research and found out there is a high risk of suicide among men who quit during seal training. So, they go into the training thinking this is their dream, they quit thinking they never wanted it anyway, then as soon as they feel a bit better they realize of course they wanted it, they just quit and it fucks them up pretty bad.

So this is a key to keep in mind, no listening to rationalization, when things are hard part of the mind, in our case the addiction, tries to rationalize that we never wanted it in the first place and there is no harm in P M O in our case or dropping out of seal training in the case of the seals.

Anyway, I want to keep this in mind. I have already decided 100% that I already quit forever. Still I think it can be useful to periodically remind oneself of why we are doing this. This applies to other areas of life in my opinion. Anyway, I'll take a few moments here to list some reasons that quitting is so necessary in my case:


I am ashamed to write it, but I contacted sex workers several times. What if they kept records of me and that came out later in life? That could destroy my life. The idea of doing that totally DISGUSTED me early in the addiction but over a few years the addiction had me doing it, thinking it was a great idea. The addiction really fucks your mind up.

Fetishes: Fetishes I found repulsive became my go to. It feels awful to watch awful things and put that shit in your head.

The old stand by: PENIS DIDN'T WORK FOR YEARS!!!!! That BLOWS. I put so much work into self improvement and learning to date women and this addiction literally fucked it up 100%. I would have had a girlfriend so much sooner and gotten so much more experience with women if my sexual relationships didn't get ended almost from the start due to this.

Less self control: As the addiction got worse, my personality changed. I had less discipline less swagger and more fear. It affects the brain.

I AM SO GLAD TO HAVE QUIT THIS SHIT! The goal of this log is not just to quit, that is a given, it's to make it look easy!

In the future, I will be dating some awesome girls, having a sex life. Having company at night etc. I'll feel amazing at having finally quit this a long time ago. And I'll feel good that other people were able to read my story and use it as extra motivation and inspiration to quit themselves!

Anyway, I feel a lot better having written just now. This is so key, writing, reading. It's the "examined life" the time away from the day to day to remember where I want to go, what I want and what my aims are.

Next up, some reading and perhaps a bit of preparation or vizualization for some things that are coming up today. Any cravings is just the lame ass addiction talking I quit 100% already so it doesn't matter.

What's up guys quick check in. Well today went really well! Going to rest up a bit then do a few more things out and about. The key here is to just stay confident yet humble and vigiliant. I am all pumped up from having a good day and wanted to check the internet! I am avoiding the internet. So even in the happy moment be vigiliant, confidence is good, knowing what I am aiming for. But overconfidence leading to rationalization must be avoided! "Wow I feel so good I'll just go on the internet for a suck it's no biggie!". Instead I have short time and may actually meditate again to regain some energy before I go out. I'll aim to come home earlyish and read my way to sleep. I have a lot of stuff to do early so possibly won't check in here in the am.

I didn't want to nor plan on posting again tonight but just wanted really quick say. GODDAMN that turned into a great day! I did a few activities pushing myself, pushing my confidence and was nervous initially and they all just went great. I read today meditated socialized, pushed myself and did well. Now I am finishing with a delicious healthy meal. It's so cool how great days can be that are just full of healthy positive activities that are both fun and rewarding. I am going to enjoy this awesome meal! Read a bit until I sleep. You know, I feel quite nourished so I'll set my alarm a bit earlier, to give myself time to meditate in the morning.

Well look is back. I just have a quick minute though. Pretty cool I ended up beating my alarm, I was totally tired but figured why not get up?

Now, I am going to get a little graphic it's a weird thing but something to watch out for. I had morning wood and I also woke up itchy I scratched my dick and realized be careful with that! I know 100% I quit and I am good. Just realized be careful with that sort of hand motion.

Anyway I did a bit of reading, my stomach was a bit upset. I just meditated but stopped in the middle as my stomach is quite bothering me and I am itchy. There is very bad pollution in my city the last few days. I think this is it. I used to get mild rashes from hay fever when I was a kid and this seems to be the same sort of thing, I blame the air quality.

Oh well no biggie, I woke up feeling good. One thing I did notice though was "remembering to worry". Has the ever happened to any of you? I've gone through periods where I would consistently wake up feeling a bit sad and worried, nothing too extreme and it'd often fade but a definite pattern. Then I'd have a day where I woke up feeling pretty good and I'd notice that I felt good and it was like I'd suddenly be like "oh yeah I should be worrying or a bit sad right now, this isn't my normal feeling" lol then I would feel sad or worried.

That sort of happened to me in the shower, I noticed it but recognized it "aha! My mind is trying to remember to worry" then I felt fine again. For the most part I feel pretty happy and confident since. Anyway this damn itchyness kind of sucks but I have heard allergy stuff is worst in the morning and evening, and I'll remind myself it's impermanent and be easy on myself. I notice being easy on myself in a healthy way (reading a lot etc) has led me to naturally to being productive since I am already doing healthy positive things, being nice to myself and it's pretty natural to get work done in that positive state.

One last thing that was cool! I didn't want to meditate because I was excited about the day! Nothing in particular but I just was like wow there is stuff I want to do it's great to be awake! It's a cool feeling!

Quick little check in. Today went really well, I felt really good for about 80% of the day. Something useful about keeping this journal is it helps to sort of "remove" me from what is happening. I can say okay that day I felt good 80% of the time or vice versa, which helps to prevent all or nothing thinking. All and all things are pretty good, just have to keep the ball rolling. I did have some cravings flashes of images. It's good to just be aware of it and stay vigilante. I hung out with a few girls today, one went fairly well the other two did not.

It's good to keep in mind and to MAINTAIN my focus even if I am with women or in sexual situations, make sure I keep my mind in check remember I quit pmo forever, and learn how to have a strong sense of control over my sexuality.

For tonight, I'll do a bit of meditating perhaps a bit of reading as well, maybe some brainstorming. I didn't get to do much positive reading today but will do a bit more tomorrow. Thats something for me to learn, not being all or nothing. Some things are all or nothing (quit forever, never ummm idk use drugs or do awful things) but others are not, read good stuff most days but if the day is busy not let that one day throw off the whole schedule. Anyway, keeping the momentum going, going to have a good evening and READY FOR ANYTHING. Things are going well but a craving could happen at anytime, thats just being honest. If it does I'll be ready. I can skip sleep for a night it won't kill me, post here, get other work done etc. until it passes.

Good morning everyone! It's a great day to continue moving forward and working on some goals.

It's interesting that just writing that has me feeling better. I am having some cravings here and there, I already know that I already quit forever, but they key to making it easier is reminding myself of the bigger picture. I am not paying too much attention to the day count or anything like that, since FOREVER is the day count that I am going to reach. Still it is nice for me to remind myself that some bench marks are coming up.

For example in two weeks, I know from past experiences that my PENIS WILL WORK! This is great. It is such a lame feeling to be hanging out with a girl, knowing I really want to have relationships with girls sex etc. and to know basically, if I bring her home my dick won't work. It blows. On the flip side, it's going to be AWESOME to know it DOES WORK! Plus I believe the more time that passes between that old shitty habit and the present, the better my brain will function the more grounded my emotions will be.

I read somewhere that addictions sort of look for excuses to use more and it becomes a cycle. Say-> Get super upset -> Engage in the behavior or use substance etc. It's like those basic experiments from the turn of the last century. Being rewarded for a behavior thus training the behavior. In this case, that behavior is getting really upset and frustrated. NOT something that you want to train yourself to do. The addiction basically trains you to be less resilient and upset or frustrated by more and more things in order to give you a rationalization/ get you to use.

So that totally sucks and is bad. The good thing is QUITTING, does the opposite. Each time we get a craving, or get upset then engage in a healthy behavior instead or just deal with the feeling, knowing it's temporary. We undue this process and will regain and improve our emotional control, and in the case of using healthy behavior's to deal with the feeling (reading, exercise, calling friends, writing etc.) we are also training that new healthy behavior into a habit/ healthy way of coping and grounding ourselves.

I just need to point out again, focusing on the big picture is so helpful. Focusing on the big picture makes things so much easier writing that^ knowing how I am improving and all this is helping me and making me better in the long run, makes the cravings die, gives me energy, motivation and has me feeling better.

I didn't even notice it until I wrote some of that positive stuff up there^ but I have some cool plans for today! I have work, but also get to see some family, will go to do some exercise and will have a free hour in the middle of the day! Perhaps I'll buy some more books.

Yesterday I did minimal reading of self-help books.I think it's a great habit to read them, but I needn't be all or nothing. That was a bad tendency I used to have. "I need to meditate 20 min every day, journal 20 min, and read a self book 30 min every day!" type of stuff, then upon missing one day feeling like it was a disaster or giving up on good habits. The key is to be consistent and do stuff cause it's good for me, not to do it as some sort of compulsion. If I do all the good stuff everyday great! If I am generally living a healthy life style and I do all the good stuff 90% of the time, also great!

On that note, I will do some positive stuff right now. Perhaps writing goals a little bit or working on small projects hmmmmm. I am not 100% sure but it'll be something good.

I believe I am through day 4? So just 10 or 11 days and I'll be at that two week bench mark! Thats just a nice landmark, of course I will continue in perpetuity after that, but eventually it'll likely be less of a focus.

Wow, I guess the emotions do come into play when it comes to this recovery. Got VERY angry just now. Pretty wound up over something that is not a huge huge deal. Writing here has really been helpful for me to ground myself.

I think it's okay to get angry, not the worst thing in the world. No one is perfect all the time and I am clearly making progress. If I keep making progress I'll get to where I want to go. I can also work more specifically on anger and emotions in the future if I like. Although I do not want to set myself up for a self fulfilling prophecy, there may be some bit of withdrawal going on, and that stuff I talked about in the last post, cravings and strong emotions being connected. Anyway, the people I got mad at were assholes anyway lol and it won't really effect my life.

I guess writing in this log is one of my new healthy activities. I am basically writing in a way that is helpful to me, it really is a journal, more than being designed to be read if that makes sense?

Still, I hope that some of my experiences can be helpful, educational or motivating to others. Knowing that other people are seeing this journal is very helpful to me, because it just motivates me and makes my goals and aims VERY real. So thanks for those of you who are reading this log, it is definitely aiding me.

The thing I want to keep in mind is, emotions can change so fast. I was feeling really wound up, and still feel a bit emotionally and literally hot. But, I am going to have a healthy snack and go do a bit of exercise before work. There is a good chance after exercising  I will feel great! Again, the log and writing, really helping me to see the big picture. I feel one way now, but later in the day I know I'll feel different. The day follows a sort of arc and spectrum of different emotions, thats just how it is. Phew, still it's intense right now. Off to go eat and get out of the house!

Hey everyone. Like always, feelings can shift so quickly. I mostly had a fairly decent day, a lot of work and it was pretty tiring but it was good. I read when I had free moments. I think yesterday evening and this morning I had a decent amount of cravings but they have mostly passed.

I have to spend a decent amount of time around a very un positive family member of mine, he shared some bad news with me just now so I am a bit upset. The bad thing really did happen, but it seems like he very often has bad news. It's sort of his habit to talk about what is wrong and bad. It's a real bummer I really dislike being around him. Hopefully by early next year I will be in a position to be around him much much less.

Anyway thats the problem so what am I going to do about it? Listen to positive motivational recordings, I realize that is a great way to kind of reverse the effects, put myself back in a positive mood etc. I really need and WANT to be proactive about this and learn how to control my own emotions and feelings.

Maybe I can look at it differently and think "well if I learn to be positive and calm around him, it will just increase my positivity in general! And allow me to get along with more and different types of people!"

On that note, how about I write about some positive things right here?

First of all, I am in pretty good health! I have both legs, both eyes are good, I am in decent shape. Thats all good stuff.
I ate delicious food today, I had a healthy uncured un processed hot dog with no bun today that was delicous, then I had a peanut butter banana smoothie with spinach and finally I had some chicken and an orange. I really enjoyed a bunch of yummy healthy meals today.

I had ALL good interactions at work today. Literally ALL! That is pretty damn good! In fact, it has been that way for two days in a row! I work with the public and lots of people so that is really cool, a whole day all positive good interactions.

I got a bunch of good exercise in.

For the rest of the evening, the key is to maintain my focus. This other family member is a challenge but if he's upset dramatic whatever who cares? I can be here reading/working put in ear plugs and get to it. Besides it's not that bad.

Hmmmm. Not much else on my mind, I didn't get the chance to get another book. I am going to make a BIG point of that tomorrow. I have all these motivational and logical books, but pure fun books humor books etc. are great too, as a healthy pure break for the mind. I felt pretty bad this afternoon went in a bookshop and read a funny book for 15 min, it was a huge help. That reminds me I may have a book of short stories lying around somewhere........
That could be cool to read a bit of before bed.

Good morning. Not fully awake, but feeling good to be awake. I have some free time today which I am excited about. I want to work on some more projects.

An interesting thing happened last night, I was meditating and was super antsy and figety and even was having some P type images flash into my mind. So I just calmly stopped meditating and listened to an audio book until I fell asleep.....

It was great, I had already listened to a guided relaxation recording earlier in the day also, which is basically similar to meditation. Thats a good lesson to me, being flexible. Laying down being antsy and getting cravings isn't really meditating it's trying to meditate lol. This is a shift for me. Like I said, I'd have this silly challenges "I need to meditate AND visualize EVERY day" sure it may be good to do stuff like that, but maybe one day, my mind just isn't responding to meditating so I do a relaxation recording instead? Or even read? The aim should be for what is helpful to me, what reaches the goal, not just being hard on myself and forcing myself to do something even if it's not useful.

I think it is like working out. For awhile I was going to the gym and my "goal" was to complete a certain workout/ go to the gym a certain number of times a week. For the first time in awhile I set specific strength goals. I worked out and pushed myself pretty much everyday, probably more then if my only goal had been "to push myself". Then I was super tired one day, and I went super light in the gym and didn't do my usual workout. This gave my body the chance to recover and then two workouts later I hit my lifting goals.

Anyway, this is not a recommendation. I have heard of both systems work for people. But for me, this works better. Focusing on the big picture, not on being some perfect robot everyday, big picture, but still doing pretty damn good with habits everyday.

This morning I hung out in bed for about 30 minutes. For about two of those minutes I was thinking of an old ex girlfriend a little bit and her body a bit. This is not something I cut out, but still I want to minimize fantasizing about sex anyway. I feel like it speeds up my brain's rewiring and is good for focus. What I am doing now is working well, not focusing too much on sex except mostly thinking about it is a a goal/motivator. (Me rewiring and quitting pmo, will lead to something even better, having great sex connections with women etc. type of motivation).

On that note, it is indisputably true that quitting PMO, makes women more attracted to you and people like you  more. It's uncanny.

Remember I think it was day one, that it felt like everyone was my enemy? Well now it has become the opposite, the last few days aside from a dramatic family member (which was not even personal to me, just them king of bumming me out a bit with their attitude) everyone for the last few days has liked me and responded well. I am sure I won't have all great interactions for the rest of my life lol, but there is a marked difference.

As far as women, this very cute girl I met at work is clearly into me. We ran into each other and were going to hang out but she had to cancel. Which was fine, we made the plan last minute, I am enjoying a long time in the evening to read and ground myself etc. Still the girl is cute and clearly into me. It was the same when I had other periods of not using this stuff (this time I 100% quit forever). I would meet women, they'd like me. I'd start having girls come home with me within a few weeks. ESPECIALLY if I am totally clear, not even fantasizing about sex seems to be a big aid in the early stages. The brain just becomes more focused and alert. So I am going to keep that up, minimizing thinking about sex.

Anyway. I am going to keep it up. In what 10ish days I reach two weeks? I quit PMO and P fant forever, but the two weeks is just a cool first milestone that I enjoy.

I have a feeling that today is going to be a good day, most of my mornings I don't feel good but the days turn out pretty well. This morning I already feel good, so I bet it'll be a good day haha.

Perhaps I will do a little cleaning and listen to motivational tapes at some point this AM. Tomorrow I am going to get out of bed right with the alarm. I stayed in an extra 30 min today and yesterday, it is ALWAYS better to get right out. I can always move to the couch and read if I want to start the day slowly.

A quick reminded of some of the positives of quitting:
I feel much more confident. Honestly the process of dealing with some of the emotions that come up is rewarding! There is something gratifying about having strong emotions, being able to keep a bigger picture in mind while they occur and then feeling good again later on, it is rewarding.
People are responding great to me, it makes me social and improves my social skills and charisma.
I have extra energy, I was antsy last night soon I believe I can use this energy for side projects to make extra money!
I am getting morning wood some days, which is cool. I remember having 100% erections in the morning sometimes before this addiction was bad, that was awesome! It's a little cool pleasure of life that shows you you're alive and viral. Looking forward to it (right now they are like semi erections when I get it)
The future: Soon I will be a guy who is dating a lot of attractive girls who are also bubbly and positive. That is a great addition to life, having relationships with women. It's a great balance, qutting PMO and replacing it with all good habits is making me really happy when I am alone, I feel enriched, but it will also be cool to be spending time with women and more friends, a nice balance of the two.

The girl I was going to see last night for example, sure she cancelled, but I most likely will see her another time, if not I can surely meet another. She was this cute very bubbly girl, who clearly really likes me. Her "type" is not one I've had much success with, which is no biggie, I WILL have that success. It's just cool to be like "wow, I'll probably be dating that girl and/or girls like her very soon". I personally have nothing against ego within reason, dating hot girls and girls you were unable to date before boosts your confidence and improves your self image, I want my realtions with women to be good for both of us but I have no problem with enjoying the confidence, self image and ego boost as well. I'll feel good about myself to date that girl.

This is me being practical, I know a lot of self help stuff says like "feel good about yourself for no reason" "don't value yourself based on others" but I somewhat disagree, because I am observing reality (hey, if that works for you dis regard what I am saying! Do what works for you) reality: Someone who sits around all day watching porn likely feels like shit. Working hard and achieving things you want and doing things you couldn't do before or that other people can not do, even if it's dating hot girls, generally makes you feel good.

Had a bit of stress today, mostly things happening. Oh well stuff happens, it could of been worse. Mostly happenstance type stuff at work. Gotta continue to stay disciplined, particularly when it comes to internet use. I notice myself looking things up a bit, I don't want to get out of hand with that. It was a practical use, but still I want to make sure my use is REALLY practical. I simply am much better when nearly internet free.

Going to go easy on myself again for tonight, I DID at least get a nice book to read! It's interesting. That's it really I suppose. I could just use a break. Looks like I already have 5 days under my belt! That's a nice solid start. I am looking forward to the weekend after this one, where I'll be past two weeks, thinking I may put some additional effort into meeting girls which'll be cool. Also I want to step up my working life and get to work on some projects.

Anyway, reading time then zzzzss.

Today was a little bit tougher than expected. Just had a few stressful situations at work and felt a bit "off" by the end of it. Oh well, the key is to stay positive and keep my eye on the big picture.

What are the things that I want:
Develop a money making project.
Have an amazing dating life
Excel in my hobbies and passions.

Those are some of my current focuses, I am going to get there eventually, so whats the point in being upset about the little things a long the way?

I think what causes the upsetness is pessimism. I  had an interaction with a girl that didn't go well, some things happened that interfered and I worried those things will ALWAYS interfere no matter what. That is clearly not rational, I have spoken to other women just like her and not had that issue. The issue might have just been luck and might not have been as big of an issue as I thought.

Anyway, just a reminded: I QUIT FOREVER PMO. I had a few cravings, but in a way these are GOOD things. When I get a craving and engage in a healthy activity, I am training my brain to do the right thing under stress, if I can do the right thing under stress it's like altitude training, I'll be a beast under usual conditions.

What's the plan for tonight? Truthfully i didn't get much done today and spent a lot of time over thinking. Sigh..... I do have a book to finish up. Perhaps, I'll meditate before that. Tomorrow morning I will schedule my free time in the morning. That is always a big help.

I have about three things that are super important to me to accomplish. I can make big progress on them in a month or two of consistency, all I have to do is do it.

Anyway, let me relax a bit.....

I still have one cute girl's number in my phone who is probably still interested in me.
I will see family members I love and have fun with on Friday.
I am almost through my work week!
I have been eating perfect and used the internet minimally, pretty much just for useful stuff, although have spent too much time "researching" etc. but still it's progress.
Plus I am beating the shit out of the addiction, replacing cravings with healthy activities and constantly reminding myself of what I want.

I wrote less today, perhaps I'll write more again tomorrow.... it did seem quite helpful and grounded me for sure just now. Maybe my stress and emotions were at 7.5 out of 10 before and now they are down to a 6 or a 6.5  thats pretty good progress. Theres a big gap there between "agitated" and "upset".

Anyway, I guess I'll read a bit, tomorrow is a new day!

Hey everyone, this morning is a good morning! Action really is the key, taking the right action's and keeping the goal in mind. I popped out of bed this morning, super tired of course, but I did some calisthenics and that got my awake right away. This journal is really helpful, it is motivating. For example, I meditated and visualized already. In large part because I wanted to be able to go in this journal and say; "I already meditated and visualized!"lol. Hey, I'll take any positive motivation, that gets me doing positive things, I can get.

So I did meditate and visualize already after already doing some calisthenics, this all has me feeling pretty decent.

Last night, I had a lot of cravings and P images popping in my head quite a lot. The key is, I can not always control whether I get a craving or not or whether images pop into my head, but I can control my actions. I didn't let the images or fantasies stay in my head for more then a few seconds at a time. Which is the aim, if the images pop up, just push them out or redirect my attention as quickly as possible.

One thing I did do, was, not in a excessively horny way that could be triggering, was start thinking about real girls and connecting. So in my mind shitty ass porn and fetish fantasies were popping into my head and I thought about sweet girls eye contact connecting, having good sex and connections with them. That is SOOO much better than the addiction crap. It was nice because I didn't need to even tell myself the message: You quit this PMO crap and now the door is open for all these great connections with real women, being a lone with fantasies and P is a nightmare.

Anyway, so I am going to keep this all up. I still slept decently, I think I woke up with the images popping into my head, but just for a few minutes at a time then I fell back asleep.

Again, I quit PMO forever. I also have full control over my actions, just reminding myself. If I end up awake for a night, it's no biggie. People can go like a week without sleeping. Plus, that my not be necessary.

I am going to remind myself of my motivations AGAIN: (These are some but there are MANY more)

The stick:
PENIS NOT WORKING
Being lonely and without women
Penis not working with girls I really liked and losing them from my life.
Anxiety and lowered confidence.
Performing worse intellectually and physically
Performing worse in my hobbies and passions
Feeling gross afterward
Feeling awful about not having control of myself and my actions
Losing hours and hours of time
NOT SLEEPING- funny the old addiction rationalizations would tell me to use to sleep, in reality it kept me awake FAR longer and 2/3 times gave me insomnia. It wrecked my sleep.

The Carrot:
Regaining control of myself
Feeling damn good about having control over my actions
Able to handle life
My brain chemistry being stable.
Becoming more present
Having more energy
WORKING MOTHER FUCKING PENIS 
PENIS THAT WORKS lol
Feeling calmer and more confident around people
People responding better to me
More resonant voice
Ability to have sex
Dating sweet attractive positive girls
Eventually being rewired to real sex and getting more pleasure from that then I ever did from Addiction garbage, more pleasure but in a healthy way.
Having a great sex life.
Feeling GREAT about myself, since I am dating a lot.
Having more social support, since women I am dating, I will have relationships with as well.
Sleeping in the same bed with women who's company I enjoy. I really enjoy intimacy like this.
Having an area of life "handled"- my dating life.
More time to do any positive thing I want!
Time to learn a language.
Time to take up dancing
Time to go hiking
Time to become a good writer
Time to get massages
Time to travel and swim in a pond
Time to take up jogging.
Also, improved physique. I think the pmo must fuck up hormones or brain chemistry or something. Quitting seems to increase strength and energy in the gym.

There's some annoying  noise outside, but I can't control that. I can STILL make a schedule and get some good stuff done. Anyway see you all later.