Quitforeverthenwin
Active Member
I am here to quit the stuff forever. I am happy to say, that I really decreased the severity of my addiction over the years, but this leads to a big danger, the rationalizations. Rationalizations that lead to slips, that lead to short relapses, ones that the addiction can rationalize can be lived with, until you realize your penis doesn't work and you've lost out on many great relationships because of it. Or you realize that you simply are "off" the next day something is wrong emotionally and you can't perform at your best, it seems slight but add it up over a year or two and you're broke who knows how many opportunities or how much money was lost from being "off" once a week.
This log is about quitting FOREVER. Not that I will write forever. But I quit P, M,O as well as (BIG problems for me) fantasy about the developed fetishes or EVER acting on them with partners. Over the years, I have learned that there is absolutely no other option for me.
A bit of background: I actually started with masturbating, but over did it. I watched porn here and there, but with a very active imagination I could fantasize about it intensely. I had some rough times and I think that worsened the issue and caused me to get into bizarre fetishes and fairly compulsive masturbation. I'd never kissed a girl by the age of 15 or so. I worked hard, going out and talking to women for three years pretty consistently until at 18 I met a girl, got my first kiss and had sex with her.... sort of. I went limp in seconds, I really liked the girl, what a shit experience.
This stuff kept happening, meanwhile I did not make the connection. A major life goal did not work out, I changed cities and got an iphone for the first time. I started watching WAAYYYY more porn. Not realizing it was making the problem worse. I had maybe half a dozen penis not working experiences, awful awful experiences. With women I really liked, my confidence being really harmed by having never had a relationship.
Finally at around age 23, a friend referred me to YBOP. I immediately was like fuck yeah! I quit everything, my confidence was great and I had enjoyable sex exactly two weeks later. The first time sex fully worked for me, able to feel it etc.
I had slips here and there, but always after around two weeks I could function. More often than not I'd quit for months at a time. I finally had a few girlfriends and had sex!
But, I would sometimes slip and my penis wouldn't work again. I thought, I should take a break from sex and women to go the full 90 days no PMO. Probable mistake, women, after a few weeks of full sobriety (to allow me to not be triggered by them) aided me greatly. I was on the right path, I just needed to commit harder.
I still had a fantasy problem, compulsively fantasizing, I noticed it effected me mentally and my erections. During this time ^I set out to quit that. I was ALMOST there, withdrawal was bad then I made my biggest mistake!!!!!
I joined a 12 step group! What a disaster! I had already essentially quit, what was I thinking!!!! It is a cult and the constantly tell you, you are powerless to the addiction and that if you quit without them it wasn't real. They put that in your head over and over, and of course THAT became a self fulfillling prophecy and I did lapse. This was a few years ago and I have not had the same level of quitting since. What a fucking mess that was. I can't describe how crazy that shit was. It was soooo foolish to join that group, I'd already pretty much quit and was just putting the finishing touches on ending my fantasy habit.
Anyway, the past is the past. Here I am: My cravings are not as strong, the issue is rationalizing it's okay mostly. This problem has fucked up enough of my life, taken away enough incredible relationships and experiences I missed out on. Even, shockingly put me in dangerous situations (I am sad to say I just a few times did try and find sex workers, putting myself in dangerous situations).
Anyway, I busted my ass, I am a confidence charismatic guy (I built that, it can be done) who can date girls, have relationships and be very successful. I'd love to say this is day 90 or so, but this is day 1. I am not too concerned with day counting, just quitting forever in this moment!
Anyway, I will log about it here, I can't promise how often or by what system, except it'll be at least on each Friday.
Hope the journal helps ya'll.
This log is about quitting FOREVER. Not that I will write forever. But I quit P, M,O as well as (BIG problems for me) fantasy about the developed fetishes or EVER acting on them with partners. Over the years, I have learned that there is absolutely no other option for me.
A bit of background: I actually started with masturbating, but over did it. I watched porn here and there, but with a very active imagination I could fantasize about it intensely. I had some rough times and I think that worsened the issue and caused me to get into bizarre fetishes and fairly compulsive masturbation. I'd never kissed a girl by the age of 15 or so. I worked hard, going out and talking to women for three years pretty consistently until at 18 I met a girl, got my first kiss and had sex with her.... sort of. I went limp in seconds, I really liked the girl, what a shit experience.
This stuff kept happening, meanwhile I did not make the connection. A major life goal did not work out, I changed cities and got an iphone for the first time. I started watching WAAYYYY more porn. Not realizing it was making the problem worse. I had maybe half a dozen penis not working experiences, awful awful experiences. With women I really liked, my confidence being really harmed by having never had a relationship.
Finally at around age 23, a friend referred me to YBOP. I immediately was like fuck yeah! I quit everything, my confidence was great and I had enjoyable sex exactly two weeks later. The first time sex fully worked for me, able to feel it etc.
I had slips here and there, but always after around two weeks I could function. More often than not I'd quit for months at a time. I finally had a few girlfriends and had sex!
But, I would sometimes slip and my penis wouldn't work again. I thought, I should take a break from sex and women to go the full 90 days no PMO. Probable mistake, women, after a few weeks of full sobriety (to allow me to not be triggered by them) aided me greatly. I was on the right path, I just needed to commit harder.
I still had a fantasy problem, compulsively fantasizing, I noticed it effected me mentally and my erections. During this time ^I set out to quit that. I was ALMOST there, withdrawal was bad then I made my biggest mistake!!!!!
I joined a 12 step group! What a disaster! I had already essentially quit, what was I thinking!!!! It is a cult and the constantly tell you, you are powerless to the addiction and that if you quit without them it wasn't real. They put that in your head over and over, and of course THAT became a self fulfillling prophecy and I did lapse. This was a few years ago and I have not had the same level of quitting since. What a fucking mess that was. I can't describe how crazy that shit was. It was soooo foolish to join that group, I'd already pretty much quit and was just putting the finishing touches on ending my fantasy habit.
Anyway, the past is the past. Here I am: My cravings are not as strong, the issue is rationalizing it's okay mostly. This problem has fucked up enough of my life, taken away enough incredible relationships and experiences I missed out on. Even, shockingly put me in dangerous situations (I am sad to say I just a few times did try and find sex workers, putting myself in dangerous situations).
Anyway, I busted my ass, I am a confidence charismatic guy (I built that, it can be done) who can date girls, have relationships and be very successful. I'd love to say this is day 90 or so, but this is day 1. I am not too concerned with day counting, just quitting forever in this moment!
Anyway, I will log about it here, I can't promise how often or by what system, except it'll be at least on each Friday.
Hope the journal helps ya'll.