The Journey of a Thousand Miles...Begins With One Step

[size=12pt]This is my second attempt to come clean--pun intended--without porn in my life.  To introduce myself, I am a 46-year-old single atheist gay man living in a politically very red state.  I have had two long-term relationships in my life; the first lasted for about five years, and the second lasted for about 20 years.  Before and during both these relationships, porn was a major factor in my life.  At first, it was straight magazines like Playboy and Penthouse when I was young and still in the closet.  Then it progressed to gay magazines like Advocate Men and Inches after I came out to myself, my family, and my friends.  Then it grew to VHS-cassette ("Be Kind, Rewind!") gay porn movies when I was in my first relationship.  From there it blossomed into DVD and then Blu-Ray gay regular porn and gay raunch porn when I was in my second relationship.  With the explosion of the internet and internet porn sites, it snowballed into extreme gay (and straight) raunch porn when I became single again, which I am more than a little embarrassed to admit to, considering that to name exactly what type of porn that is would make Dr. Ruth blush.

Suffice it to say that my interest in porn has grown steadily over the years, and my taste for it has grown considerably...eclectic.  I hesitate to say darker because I do not view porn as immoral, nor gay porn as darker than straight porn.  What I do want to say is that my need for it has infiltrated my relationships, both long- and short-term, and I want to get back to the days when just the thought of a cute guy lying next to me was enough for me to get erect and stay erect.  Alas, now are the days of paying the PIED piper.  Why, just the other night, on Memorial Day, I was with a guy I found to be so attractive, yet when we were intimate, I couldn't stay erect.  My mind kept racing through images of porn I had (I just deleted it yesterday) on my laptop so that I could stay in the moment, maintain my erection, and not disappoint him.  But what do you suppose happened?  Yes, the PIED piper began to play his beguiling tune, and I am penniless to pay him.

My partner began to feel that it was him not being experienced enough, that his technique wasn't good, or that he wasn't attractive enough.  Did I mention that I found him to be the hottest guy on Earth and that I wanted to spend the first part of the night worshipping his body and then after everything was done, to spend the rest of it watching him sleep?  That is how much I really like this guy.  But because I feel that my attraction to porn is stronger than my attraction to him, I ruined it by not keeping up--literally--my end of the bargain.  So here I am.  At a loss for how to move my relationships forward but with a renewed drive to take back control of my love (read: sex) life.  I haven't used porn (or masturbated, for that matter) since last Saturday, so I guess I'm on day 5.

I wish everyone else here the best of fortune and well-being.  I endeavor to work hard--again, pun intended--to get through the Hard 90-day reboot.  Will I relapse?  Probably, but I will try my darnedest not to.  Will I struggle?  I expect to, but I hope I can find the strength to carry on.  As cliched as that sounds, I still mean it.  The going will be tough, but I think as long as I focus on smaller goals, the trek will be manageable and the destination can be reached.
 
10 days FAP-free.  Haven't felt much withdrawal or desire to masturbate.  Spent the weekend out and about with an awesome social group, which kept me busy and out of trouble.  Staying the course!
 
Day 12 and I almost gave in to the temptation to PMO, but I just turned on YouTube instead and listened to some old songs that I find comforting.  I think I'll go out and do some yoga.  The meditation and mindfulness it cultivates help in the battle to give in to my urges.
I hope everyone else is finding the strength to carry on as well.
 

BigMog

Active Member
Good victory today Phil! Getting away from the screen and doing something outside seems like a good idea to me.
 
Thanks, BigMog!  I find that getting out, getting exercise, and doing yoga really help focus and calm the mind.  So does throwing the frisbee around.  I'm am on Day 16 with no PMO.  Now I have a question.  Is looking for underwear online considered porn-watching?  I subscribe to an underwear site that advertises daily deals and I find myself browsing every day.  Not sure if I'm doing it for the visual stimulation, but I feel like I am legitimately shopping for underwear because if I saw something I liked, I'd buy it.  Thoughts, guys?
 
C

cranm329

Guest
To be direct, looking at underwear daily suggests that the mind is finding a plausible reason to get sexual stimulation. My advice is to stop it ASAP. It may well be a prelude to a relapse sooner rather than later. Be strong. You're worth it.
 
Thanks, Cranm329.  I think I suspected that all along.  I probably just needed to hear it from someone else.  I'll try to stay the course.
 
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