NEW HERE AND JOURNAL

HI All
As my title suggests i'm new here but not new to addiction.
I have been involved in AA/NA/CA...Alanon..you name it....I was advised not to go to SA/SLAA by my sponsor some years ago because to the relapse rate and cruisers...I probably would have become one.

I'm gonna keep this short a the mo but will fill in ....Sex has been my primary addiction since I care to remember ...finally ending up as PMO..i'..m only just finding out what all the abbreviations are. Like all addictions my PMO addiction  escalated from softcore to deviant and the extreme. I still "enjoy" softcore but it seems once on the path or chase all bets are off and danger is only a click away. The long hours, lack of sleep, missed days,  all because of  the insane urge but also to delay the dopamine hit for as long as possible.

Including smartphones...a very small one I have to say I have been on-line 8 years or so but the consequences of an active addiction have been very real...but are only now beginning to really show, now I am trying to give up. 

So this is day 10 since no PMO and its been the worst so far.....exquisite anxiety...stomach pressure, light-headed, nauseous, terrible thought, intrusive thoughts, extreme fears, lack of concentration, slight mania, agitation, pacing.....not good.....I had two weeks b4 that but felt I was going to hurt somebody or explode so watched porn. ..... There are a number of reasons why I felt it was/is time to "reboot"...or stop looking at porn but will journal about that as I go along.
I am 54, single and haven't had a sex life really for years ...so hence the porn....I am feeling like s**T so gonna sign off

Welcome Addicted,

Its important to do this full force no holds barred. Get rid of everything. Purchase the book, Your Brain on Porn. Learn what is happening in your brain, and NO PORN, no porn substitutes, this means everything. And, I wouldn't give up on the idea of SAA (check them out). Its another way to work through this thing.

Peace

Hi Bob

Thanks for your input....yes I am going to try SAA....it was recommended by a helpline I use.
Unfortunately I caved in last night.....I felt overwhelmingly terrified and frightened.....a bit like about 10 years ago when I had some sort of mental health crisis and immediately took to Valium ...which resulted in yet another addiction...which was utter hell coming out of, but by hook or by crook I got over it...took about 5 years ..but still had protracted withdrawals for years.
I just don't know what to do when one feels helpless/terrified/disabled/suicidal...just thought...I don't what I thought ....but I've had so many mixed messages about the why forward/through this....I guess it was a bit like PMO...see what happens...etc I made sure I didn't stay on for long...got it over with and not really sure what next.

I've been on anti-depressants for years but was prescribed olanzapine a few months back after a very difficult time with an ex-partner......I have used them very sparingly...I did  take one last night and after a few hours went to bed...I was out cold for over twelve hours....felt better today if not a woolly head....but I can feel what can only be described as a volcano inside off me that seems to be ready to erupt as soon as the meds wear off.
Thats what it feels like anyway. I don't want to use med's if I can help it....however I'm not sure I can go through a similar experience I had coming of Valium ....I dont want to mask these PMO withdrawal symptoms...but I have to be able to manage them....now time to ring SAA...thanks for reading

Day 3 of my journal....had a better day today....anxiety kicked in later in the day for a couple of hours, but kept busy...no PMO so all good today...I can't help thinking there's hell round the corner...but what can one take each day as it comes and do my best goodnight

Hey buddy,
Just keep remembering that no matter how bad you feel during the withdrawal stages, if you toss-off to porn youre gonna feel a lot worse. Actually, the withdrawals are a good sign that you are beating this addiction!

Thank you Mr Reformed F

Tricky day today, had mild/moderate symptoms of OCD  fortunately riding through them...not there yet...gonna have a hot bath then bed...maybe a cold shower is more appropriate  One has to be very careful even opening one's laptop.  One has to be very strict once opened...go about one's legitimate business and closes up. ...Anyway feeling the strain a bit and generally tired and achey.....so I will say goodnight ...goodnight x

Hven't posted last few days....didn't get much feedback...but thanks to those who did reply.....Great suffering but working through by the Grace of God.....Got in contact with SAA  but didn't get a reply for request to attend meeting, will try again..love and sobriety to all. I have had to put my trust each day as best as I can in Jesus and I can tell it works, incredibly difficult but it certainly works. 

It is a daily battle, and some days are beyond difficult.  The alternative is not what you want and has not been good for any of us.  Try to keep up some daily devotions; if nothing else just spend some time in the Psalms.  Take care, and don't give up.