43 and want real sex

Humpty

Member
Evenin'

I'm 43, have a lovely wife but have been watching porn since I was about 20. Its caused me issues over the year maintaining an errection but I met my wife 14 years ago and have managed proper sex with her maybe 15 times; the last being about 7 years ago.

She puts up with it, it caused issues at first and I went to the doctor, had tests, creams, scans, viagra (and a selection of other viagra type meds) and nothing really worked... Not really.
I often get an errection in the mornings and so the doc said nothing was physically wrong with me and deep down I think I always knew what the real problem was. I think it must be the insane amount of porn I watch. Fairly extreme stuff off pornhub etc.

Im desperate to get my sex life back. Absolutely desperate. After years of not being fussed and now want to fix it. I dunno if I can at 43 and after so many years.

So, I'm on my reboot. I'm upto week 5 today.
No porn not masturbation, not a single pic.
I've tried hard not to even think about it but that's been tough because as you can imagine, I really want sex by now.

My wife knows I'm on my journey, she's quiet excited by the prospect and having a sexual relationship with me.

I'm so worried that she will eventually build up the courage to instigate something with me and it will be the same and just smash any shred of confidence she has....we have.

It does feel different. I feel like I will be able to get an errection but I'm obviously trying to not test it out myself and due to the years and years of neglect I need to wait until she is ready and then have my fingers crossed.

Worries me that I'll be ridiculously aroused and yet still not manage to perform... Or even get errect. I'm worried I might just have a limp ejaculation... But I do feel better and more confident. I suppose I'm just fearing the worst.

How long should I wait?

Heres to praying and hoping. Week 5!
 
Hey Humpty,

Welcome in this adventure. Being week five is already excellent, I'm not this far. Have you noticed some changes on your behavior ? You should eventually. Anyways, don't worry because I'm a bit like you, same story, and I discovered during these last days a whole new aspect of my sex life. You should eventually feel new things happening in your body. My only advice is to be kind with yourself. You can have a try with your wife, slowly, probably with the help of Viagra. A single victory will give you a lot of faith and confidence for the rest of the jour et. You can also wait the 90 days if you want to be sure. But your libido could bring you to a point that you cant contain yourself , it means you are ready for your wife. But be sure that nothing's broken, we are all scared of this , thinking how much PMO along with PIED we have lived all these years, but no, things are getting better more or less quickly but improvements are here for everybody.

Take care
 

Humpty

Member
Afternoon,

Thanks for the reply.

Some people on here seem to have really bad symptoms and behaviour issues, I don't. In fact, I was quiet happy as I was but then one day, 35 days ago, I just decided I wanted to have proper sex and stumbled across this and another website so decided to stop and see if it made a difference.
I'm not massively hopeful tbh but if I don't try then I'll never know.

Anyway, day 36 now and sometimes I get so aroused that I feel like without getting hard I'll just cum in my trousers. I have to distract myself and think of something else.
And that's a concern, someone shown me a pic of a beautiful women today and I had to switch off and distract myself. I'm concerned that come the big day, when my missus makes a move, I will just simply ejaculate without actually getting hard. I can only hope, pray and abstain.

The prob with viagra is that you have to plan ahead as opposed to let it happen naturally. I'm kinda figuring we'll be sat watching a film at some point and she will let her hand wander and hopefully everything will work.
I'm not sure if there are any tablets or medication I could take on a regular basis 'just in case'. I'm open to suggestions though.

I'm doing the only thing I can do and that's just not go back and stick with it.

I'm trying to stop smoking, eating a little healthier and doing a bit of running in the gym in the hope that it will all help.

Anyway, I'll keep updating and hopefully the years of neglect and self abuse is reversable. Time will tell.

Thanks for reading and help.
 
Well I use Cialis and it is much easier to manage than Viagra. It works in 30 minutes, iBut I also hope to get rid of all this shit, but building confidence is, in my opinion, compulsory.
 

Humpty

Member
Day 37

Getting really aroused really easily at the moment. Everthing I see and do makes me think of sex.
My missus has noticed I'm more attentive (but no sex yet) althou I'm still not convinced I could perform.

I was cuddled up to her last night in bed, she was reading a book and I'm fairly sure she would have responded had I have had the courage to instigate sex but I didn't want to fail and so just went to sleep.
Woke up in the night with a massive stiff. Normally when I get morning wood I really need a pee and it goes shortly after but this time I didn't need the toilet and was just hard.
Instantly thought went to sex and I struggled to put it out of my mind and goto sleep. Thought I would just ejaculate but thankfully fell asleep.

I think I'm going to order some cialis (is tadifil the same as its much cheaper and the website says its the same but unbranded), take it on a Friday night and then it gives me 36 hours to try to see what happens and maybe build up some courage.
What I'd like to happen is to be sat next to her on the Saturday night with a massive sustained boner that she couldn't ignore.
If I can just perform once as a start and know it would be the catalist to move forward in the journey.

I can't ever envision me going back to porn and if I can get even semi regular sex then I'd be happy to stay off the M forever too.
My wife was always quiet sexual but I ruined it and destroyed her confidence at the same time.

If the first time I try it works I just know we will be fine and it will snowball.
I'm praying the PMO is the cause of all these problems and I can eventually return to normal.
It's been so long with me watching porn - almost my whole adult life - that I don't even know what normal is tbh but I'm so so excited to find out.

Thanks again.
 

joepanic

Respected Member
Hey Humpty  welcome to our party

      I am slightly older at 47 and had been pmo'ing since i was a teenager  typical of my dad'd skin mags  than on to old vhs tapes and eventually  high speed internet streaming sights  as well as the topics getting more extreme    I started this fight in Dec 2017  so about 14 months ago  managed  about 5 months clean with the occasional p sub(fitness video  exc)  crashed  started again for a few weeks and  started a 3rd reboot  in Dec 2018 and have been clean since  A couple of major differences with me to other guys is I have never exp pied  but read so much on it I thought i better stop before I do experience it so cant really give an experience of showing that  giving up porn can change that  What i did found changed was my whole mindset  on sex and life in general  I don't feel the need to  try and get my wife to do anything to kinky  based on what i was watching.  I find when we do make love it is far more intense now  orgasms are for more  intense  and I do seem to be more relaxed when we do it  I also just feel more like a man now  I have more confidence in general  for trying new things  talking to people exc  and  my mind is can concentrate so much better  For some this adventure is a bit like been reborn as a teenager  You may need to relearn having sex in so many words  The night/morning wood is a really  good sign  though  It proves that your problems are probably in your head  which over time can  be fixed  for now I would stay the course  monitor your morning wood  see  how long it lasts how often exc  For 20 years  I wanted to give up porn and never could(i think because I really didnt have a reason  and didnt know it was actually hindering my life)  But in the last year I have used some really unorthodox methods  such as  telling myself in the car while I was driving  in my most manly voice "I DONT NEED THIS SHIT I AM BETTER THAN THIS"  sometimes over and over  I felt so much better  after and  now long story short  I went from pmo  usually 20 times a month sometimes for hours on end  to maybe 15 times in all of 2018  down to  0 times in 2019 so far  and I'm feeling so much more like a man now

              Not sure how much my  story can help  but I do believe giving it up changed me for the better  all around

        Post often it helped me it will help you
 

Humpty

Member
Day 38.

Couldnt really focus yesterday. Everything I looked at made me think of PMO and it became really difficult.

Was sat with my wife and she became frisky. Thank the lord she gave me PIM and I O'd.
Hardness wise I felt about a 7 or 8. I'm not sure if she had stopped if I would have instantly become limp again. I'm not sure if during the time it would have taken for me to position myself for PIV if I would have just lost it but, in one way fortunately she was happy just releasing me despite me offering to try.
She was really happy that she was able to do something g as the last attempt maybe 4 or 5 years ago was a total failure.

She was so encouraged and enthused that it was a success that she did it again without prompting an hour later.

This time I really struggled and had to focus. She nearly abandoned it but I managed in the end. I wish I could have seen how hard I was because it was tough to tell but I'm guessing a 6. I absolutely would have failed at PIV at this point which is the ultimate aim and whole purpose of going through this.

She's really optimistic but I'd prefer to let it build for a couple of weeks now, I've ordered some Cialis and then I can maybe try PIV.

On the other hand I'm not sure if I should have continued to abstain longer or if PIM is OK but I honestly don't know how much longer I could have carried on like that.
It was getting to a point where I couldn't work or concentrate on anything as the need for a release was just getting too strong and I was struggling to cope.

This morning she had done her hair for me and smiling at me more. When I think where our relationship was a month ago I'm praying that I can continue to make progress because this journey could have remade me.

I'm no where near being cured whatsoever and I'm still struggling with the thought of what happens next time, can I do it? was it just because after PMO for so so long and then stopping for 37 days the build up was so so much? ... I don't know but what I do know is that a little progress was made and our relationship has improved as a result.

I'll continue to post my journey and hope to god its not a one off. Still feel like I'm searching for a miracle because I've never know a normal sex life.

Thanks all
 

Humpty

Member
Day 41.

No desire to watch porn. Genuinely feel like it's not bothering me.
I really like porn but I'd just like to have a normal sex life, especially considering my wife has shown an interest in fixing it too.

Since the PIM on day 38 I've been fine too. It had gotten difficult to concentrate at work but that really helped.

My cialis arrived today.
Tempted to wait a few weeks of no O to increase the chances of success but on the other hand I don't want to turn my wife away if she instigates it as that would shatter her confidence once again.
I really need it to work first time and take it from there.
I've taken this before with varying degrees of success but hoping the zero porn will have helped my brain/loins expectations return to normal and I will be able to maintain an errection.

I've gotten myself into a right mess of poor confidence, PIED and my wife's confidence and self worth too.

I'm hoping no porn fixes my problem because I'm not convinced tbh but then again I've never known anything except a lot of porn in my life so I've no real experience of what is normal.

I had a good sex life in my youth but even back then it was littered with bouts of ED which steadily got worse.

Anyway, on wards and hopefully upwards!
 

Humpty

Member
So, had my cialis and nothing seemed to happen right until I made physical contact at which point I was about 90% erect for a prolonged period of time. I was fairly happy with myself.
At this point I could have bailed but because everything seemed to be working I continued on.

It was ok but as soon as i started to manouver into position he pretty much died. Was at about 40%.
I struggled on and it picked up a bit to around 70% for about 30 seconds before I O'd.

The wife seemed OK that progress was made and was fairly optimistic but it was a poor show by all accounts and almost catastrophic. She clearly couldn't even feel that there was anything there for the short period of time it lasted.

This is how it has always been. I'm not really sure if I see any progress now than I did 5 years ago but it's only day 41.

Maybe I just don't find her attractive anymore. It happened with previous women but not as bad. Maybe it's age.

I bought the 20mg tadifil. Would proper viagra be any better?
Has anyone tried a variety of products and found some better than others?

I once had some Thai sachet that a friend gave me to try and that produced the best results.

Am I every going to get passed this. Is it even PIED? All questions that are going round my head.

I'm not going back to porn no matter what but after all these years avoiding sex I'm now remembering the reason why. Fortunately it wasn't a total disaster but it has to get better than this.

 

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
Reads like you're making great progress and if you and your wife can both inspire confidence in yourselves and each other, it'll be a really heart-warming story. You spent over 8,000 days practicing your old, p-centric, lifestyle. You're just 40 days into your new one! So go easy on yourself. Be patient and gentle with yourself. Sounds like everything is moving in the right direction. Wishing you continued success and confidence.
 

Humpty

Member
Day 43

My wife instigated sex again last night.
Marginally better than the previous night but it was still very nearly a flop - no pun intended. After some effort I manage to O but for the main part I was prolly about 60% even with Cialis.
As soon as she manually stops stimulating me my errection dies. It took a huge effort and felt like I really had to concentrate to finish the job.

Then at bed time we tried again and I failed. After 6 or 7 years with literally only PMO I was obviously running before I could walk and so that didn't concern me too much.

It's how quickly he goes limp from full errect that bothers me as this is how it has always been hence why I've never really bothered fixing the issue with my wife.

I'm sticking with the no PM though, I'm not going back but it's a real concern. I'm just not convinced that it's because of the porn and there isn't another reason, maybe I'm just not capable.

I'm going to order viagra instead or cialis and see if that makes any difference. I'd happily take viagra before every action if I thought it would make a difference.

Also going to try and wait a few days before we try again. I'd actually wait longer but waiting weeks in between an O seems excessive and doesn't seem normal to me.
 

Humpty

Member
Still no porn.

Saturday night I took the viagra and couldn't get hard. The wife didn't know. I was trying to stiffen him up in the toilet and nearly came whilst limp.
I put it down to not in the mood and managed to avoid the situation.

Tonight my wife tried to give me PIM but I wasn't hard. She tried to help me but in the end had to stop as he was limp.

Really gutted tbh. Thought I was making progress but after 7 weeks without porn it's still the same as it always was, even with viagra and cialis.
Fairly distraught.

I've said we'll give it a couple of weeks to try and work myself into the desperate state I was in a few weeks back and see if that helps but surely, mid PIM I should be able to get errect. Surely I shouldn't have to wait months in between sex and be in such a desperate state. Its just not normal.

Apart from waiting a few weeks to try again I feel like I'm out of options now. I don't even think about porn anymore.
I used to have such regular sex when I was in my early 20's.
At 43 I can't believe for reasons unknown to doctors etc that my sex life has ended.
 

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
Humpty said:
At 43 I can't believe for reasons unknown to doctors etc that my sex life has ended.

I can't believe that to be the case either, Humpty. It looks to me that you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself. I think that's something a lot of us do and I don't think many of us would say that it helps. I don't have answers but I hope you can find your own way to be a little more forgiving with yourself. Good luck. Stay strong. It will happen!
 

Humpty

Member
Cheers,

I just don't know where I go from here at all.

I don't know the cause or the cure.

I will touch my wife's skin and get an instant errection but as soon as i stop or she stops it instantly fails.

Totally lost with it all and remember why I was in the place I am in.
 
I know that for me, performance anxiety was a big factor in my ability to achieve or maintain erections before or during sexual relations with a partner.  When my partner and I take away the expectations from our interactions, and just focus on being together in a loving, present and connected way the pressure is off.  I find that I have an easier time when I'm not focused on "Am I gonna stay hard?".  When I am with my partner, it's not about getting each other to orgasm.  There are a lot of things involved with sex besides intercourse. The emphasis on "I must be rock hard to be able to please my partner." was always my downfall.  Without the expectations, I was able to remember that I have hands and a tongue that work perfectly well whether my penis is hard or not.  When I do get hard, then we can have intercourse, and if it gets soft during penetration, then we continue with other things going back to intercourse if and when I get hard again.

I will put the caveat that my own PMO has driven my current relationship into the realm of not having sex at all with my partner.  We have had sex once in the last two years. (about a month ago)  This is what has brought me to reboot, myself.
 

Humpty

Member
Feel like I've flatlined now.
My sex drive seemed to go mental for two weeks, was making progress and then after several semi successful attempts with my wife I hit a failure.
Like a tortoise retreats into his shell, my errection seems to have retreated and I've flatlined

No MO since mo days disaster and no PMO for around 7.5 weeks.
 

olafthewise

Active Member
ok....
I can only go off what I see in your message here.

it sounds like you're trying too hard. As a man you seem to want sex but erections are difficult. Well, porn and its past stay with us for awhile, just accept it. Get books or movies.
age is a factor, diet is too as well as lack of exercise. alcohol too. relying on a drug may help.

I suggest turning attention to her. Get her off...a lot, in many ways. stop concentrating so much on hardness and just stimulate her. anyway, take my thoughts for suggestion.
 

Humpty

Member
Day 62.

Still no P. Obviously had semi successful sex with my wife a couple of times and then the disaster.

It's effected is both and we've gone back to how we were during the 7 years of no sex. Both kinda avoiding it, making excuses etc.

Day 50 I went out with friends, took drugs, had some alcohol and found myself browsing an escort site.
I've never been to an escort and prolly never will but Reading and finding the odd pic really set me off.
Took me about a week to shake it off and I was really down during this time. I wanted sex with my wife but fear of failure stopped me.
I didn't browse any porn site and didn't M or O and I'm still abstaining but it really effected me.

My wife is wanting to try again, she's not saying it and I can tell she's waiting for me to make an attempt but I don't feel like I could maintain an errection if I tried.
I've got both cialis and viagra but it didn't really help previously and I don't think it would make a huge difference again.
I do feel like I would like sex... A little, not a flatlined per say but I'm fairly sure I would fail and really hurt my wife.
She's desperate for another baby and even if it was really poor semi-limp sex (as was with previous) she would be happy with a tiny bit of progress.

When I was around 5 weeks with no PMO (not even my wife) it got to a point where I couldn't sustain it and that's what really boosted my wife's (and mine) confidence and we had a week of progress with some sex thrown in.

So, I'm kinda torn. I could try and hope I get some degree of success or I could sit tight and wait to see if that desperate state comes back in a few weeks.

I really want to try and I know she does too but fear of failure is really bad.

I'm tempted to tak a cialis when I get home. I'm on a gaming night with some friends which will finish about 11pm.then get into bed and see how i feel.

Do I try to instigate something, do I try to pleasure her and see if I get hard, do I leave it... All these questions I just don't know the answer to.

People on here seem to try to stay away from anything which provokes a strong reaction and yet I'd love to see/do something which would make my cock erect.
But I know if I look at porn my errection would die the instant I turned it off (and even then it would prob only be a marginal errection) and turned my attention to my wife so that's definitely a no go.

She tried to give me oral in our last attempted just Iver two weeks ago and that failed. How can I not get errect given that circumstance!

Im writing a lot of this out of order and its probably more of me rambling tbh but it's just the way my brain is putting the thoughts together. I really though by nearly 60 days I would be making progress but tbh I feel no different to when I started and a million miles from where I was at week 5.

Part of me wishes I hadn't tried to recover because I feel like I may have given her false hope..and myself false hope but I'm more concerned about her feelings than anything else.

But, I can't change what I did and to be honest, having a bit of proper sex and feeling so close to my wife for the first time in 13 years was electrifying and I just wish I could get it back.
 

Humpty

Member
Just to add.

I'm 5?7 and weigh about 12.7 stone so I'm not particularly over weight. I've done muay Thai for 20+ years and so recently it's been fairly infrequent I'm not a hugely unhealthy guy with a poor diet wondering why I'm having problems.
That said, I've taken on board what some people have said about exercise and been training a touch more frequent.
 

Rex

Active Member
Humpty said:
Just to add.

I'm 5?7 and weigh about 12.7 stone so I'm not particularly over weight. I've done muay Thai for 20+ years and so recently it's been fairly infrequent I'm not a hugely unhealthy guy with a poor diet wondering why I'm having problems.
That said, I've taken on board what some people have said about exercise and been training a touch more frequent.

Humpty,

Keep staying away from PMO and your body will heal. It takes time, remember you have been abusing your body with PMO for many years.  Part of the PMO addiction is that an addict releases in an unhealthy way one's precious minerals and vitamins faster than your body can replenish them, it's going to take a while for your body to buildup those vitamins and minerals and get back into balance.  One of the most common deficiencies caused by masturbation is Zinc deficiency.  After 3 months you should notice big differences, after 6 months you should notice even better changes.  You may want to have your doctor give you a NutrEval test by Genova Diagnostics, if you have a vitamin or mineral defiency this test will find it.  I am suffering from long term Lyme disease, my doctor had me take this test and found I was deficient in a few different vitamins which I am now remedying through supplements which is helping in my healing process.  You may find that you have a deficiency which could help in your recovery however if you are taking a good multi-vitamin and eating a healthy diet with plenty of organic vegetables and fruits along with exercising, getting 7-8 hours of sleep every night, you will eventually get your body back into equilibrium.  Also try Dr Weil's 4-7-8 breathing this helps to bring your body back into balance, here's a YouTube video on this breathing technique:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-C_VNM1Vd0

Remember healing takes time, don't be discouraged continue to keep yourself free from PMO and you'll eventually be back to good health.
 
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