Innocence
Active Member
Hello everyone
First off I would like to thank you for taking the time to read this journal.
When I was young I had been diagnosed with ADD and anxiety disorder which always has been a challenge for me.
When I was on elementary school, teachers just said I couldn't do anything. None of them had hope in me and being an introvert made it only worse.
My first time watching was when I was in elementary school. It first began as an innocent yet exciting thing to watch after school.
At that time I was 11, I never saw a bad thing in it, not even aware it could become such an addiction.
The thing is, when I had my first relationship, around the age of 15. I had those mad butterflies, that warm feeling rushing through my body by just holding hands or receiving a hug.
After the relation went dead after ?5 months, I became desperate, I missed someone to hold and to love.
I began watching porn more frequently again and I began to feel less emotional. But as long as I had my games and porn, it was going alright.
Of course, I still felt lonely, but I'm really the kind of guy who prefers to chat with girls, not for perverted reasons but because I always thought I could have better chats with them.
To my luck, I found another girl online after months, she was really sweet and beautiful.
After we had met an insecurity in me began to grow. I was totally attracted to her, yet that warm fuzzy feeling never came up.
Everything that I did with her sexually always turned me on, but on a quick notice, it all went away quickly too.
I always tried to do something new to keep myself in the mood, yet that didn't always work out and I felt ashamed.
That girl, I loved so much, was all I wanted, yet I felt something was blocking my true feelings.
After that relation had fallen apart, I used to date again. Yet every girl I met had failed to give me a warm feeling or any sign of arousal.
Even when I had another relation, she failed to always get me turned on, I always blamed it on my insecurity or anxiety disorder for being nervous.
After that, I realized something had to be wrong, I began googling on and on until I stumbled across an article about ED. I began to read it and arrived at yourbainonporn.
When I had read a lot of information, watched videos and read some blogs. It began to become clear to me, I was addicted to porn and it was making my brain numb.
Sometimes I just quit for a week, but I couldn't stand the urge under stress to watch some anyway, or something had really turned me on.
The thing was, once I had masturbated, a second time came, a third time came and I found myself even after 1 day to be addicted again.
I gave up, I thought it probably wasn't the porn after all.
As I continued, everything pretty much staid the same, but as I began growing more confident I thought these issues would go away.
They did not. After months, I came back to yourbrainonporn, I read a blog, that completely inspired me and I could find myself in it.
Since that moment, I've stopped watching porn and stopped masturbating.
This was on the first of October.
Now I'm on my 11th day of no-fap and not watching porn.
Sometimes it can be pretty difficult, just wanting to relieve some stress, but I know I'm working towards a better future.
In general, I haven't noticed a lot of big difference, but I don't think that's weird as I just have started.
Peace!
First off I would like to thank you for taking the time to read this journal.
When I was young I had been diagnosed with ADD and anxiety disorder which always has been a challenge for me.
When I was on elementary school, teachers just said I couldn't do anything. None of them had hope in me and being an introvert made it only worse.
My first time watching was when I was in elementary school. It first began as an innocent yet exciting thing to watch after school.
At that time I was 11, I never saw a bad thing in it, not even aware it could become such an addiction.
The thing is, when I had my first relationship, around the age of 15. I had those mad butterflies, that warm feeling rushing through my body by just holding hands or receiving a hug.
After the relation went dead after ?5 months, I became desperate, I missed someone to hold and to love.
I began watching porn more frequently again and I began to feel less emotional. But as long as I had my games and porn, it was going alright.
Of course, I still felt lonely, but I'm really the kind of guy who prefers to chat with girls, not for perverted reasons but because I always thought I could have better chats with them.
To my luck, I found another girl online after months, she was really sweet and beautiful.
After we had met an insecurity in me began to grow. I was totally attracted to her, yet that warm fuzzy feeling never came up.
Everything that I did with her sexually always turned me on, but on a quick notice, it all went away quickly too.
I always tried to do something new to keep myself in the mood, yet that didn't always work out and I felt ashamed.
That girl, I loved so much, was all I wanted, yet I felt something was blocking my true feelings.
After that relation had fallen apart, I used to date again. Yet every girl I met had failed to give me a warm feeling or any sign of arousal.
Even when I had another relation, she failed to always get me turned on, I always blamed it on my insecurity or anxiety disorder for being nervous.
After that, I realized something had to be wrong, I began googling on and on until I stumbled across an article about ED. I began to read it and arrived at yourbainonporn.
When I had read a lot of information, watched videos and read some blogs. It began to become clear to me, I was addicted to porn and it was making my brain numb.
Sometimes I just quit for a week, but I couldn't stand the urge under stress to watch some anyway, or something had really turned me on.
The thing was, once I had masturbated, a second time came, a third time came and I found myself even after 1 day to be addicted again.
I gave up, I thought it probably wasn't the porn after all.
As I continued, everything pretty much staid the same, but as I began growing more confident I thought these issues would go away.
They did not. After months, I came back to yourbrainonporn, I read a blog, that completely inspired me and I could find myself in it.
Since that moment, I've stopped watching porn and stopped masturbating.
This was on the first of October.
Now I'm on my 11th day of no-fap and not watching porn.
Sometimes it can be pretty difficult, just wanting to relieve some stress, but I know I'm working towards a better future.
In general, I haven't noticed a lot of big difference, but I don't think that's weird as I just have started.
Peace!