I'm new to the topic of pornography addiction/compulsive masturbation and I'm frankly still a little overwhelmed. I am on day 5 of no P, M, or O and have been reading articles on RN and YBOP. I have been experiencing a growing list of sexual dysfunctions (which may or may not be porn/masturbation related, which I'll discuss below), and since I am a daily consumer of various types of pornographic content a reboot seemed like the best place to start on my path to clarity.
A bit about me: I am 48, soon to be 49, gay and in a monogamous (though sexless) marriage since 2006. I began using porn videos and magazines throughout my teens, 20s, and 30s. I didn't find high-speed streaming porn until my late thirties, and it wasn't until I got a smart phone in my mid-40s that things started to get out of hand because of the ability to access porn during any free moment of the day. I may be a bit unusual in that I don't always masturbate while I watch porn (although I will sometimes). I have used porn to keep myself in an unnatural state of continual arousal throughout the day and then use porn memory/fantasy when I am ready to masturbate before bed.
I came of age in the 80s when constant news reports about AIDS in the gay community created the equation in my mind that sex=death, so for me porn was a way to safely explore my sexuality - we were always told that porn and masturbation was a 100% healthy and safe option. Porn became my sexual liberation, and the thought of giving it up is causing a feeling of profound grief. I have been a "serial monogamist" throughout my adult life, and if I wasn't in a relationship I used porn as what I perceived to be a safe alternative to the more usual approach of gay men to seek out multiple anonymous partners.
My husband and I have not had sex for about 5 years. He has had some health issues that have affected his libido, but I think the issue is deeper than that. I suspect he may actually be asexual (which is another rabbit hole I have fallen into over the last few months), but is not ready to identify as such. Regardless, the mounting sexual frustration has driven me to more porn usage, and thoughts of pursuing sex outside the marriage (whether openly or secretly) have certainly been weighing on my mind. I mention this because I have no data to report on whether I can currently perform with a partner or not.
Over the last year I have also been dealing with a diagnosis of autoimmune disease. I have been working with a really good doctor who has helped me immensely, and I am noticing improvement with each passing month. However, this is a source of confusion since I am left wondering to what extent my autoimmunity is contributing to my sexual dysfunction. So, here are the list of symptoms I have:
1. Inconsistent erection (both in duration and firmness)
2. Occasional loss of erection just before orgasm (as soon as my heart rate increases)
3. Delayed ejaculation (this has been an issue as long as I have been sexually active)
4. Incomplete ejaculation (a feeling that my orgasm fizzles out before it has run its course)
5. Anorgasmia: this is the worst and most confusing one. I ejaculate, but with almost no pleasurable sensations of orgasm
The symptoms are intermittent, but have become more prevalent over the last 6 months or so. Since all of my symptoms from the autoimmune disease have been getting consistently better with treatment but my sexual symptoms have not, I am hopeful that this means they are the result of something else (i.e. porn) and may resolve with a reboot.
So my plan: begin the 90 day no PMO reboot. My partner and I are trying to rekindle a sexual relationship, so I will have sex if the opportunity arises, but otherwise I'll be avoiding porn and masturbation. I have the following positive behaviors in my life to focus on instead:
1. I'm starting a small business which I hope to launch in March
2. I'm starting an exercise program, which is new for me.
3. I'm learning German on Duolingo. Since I can access the program on my phone, it is a good alternative to turn to when I reach for my phone for porn
4. I am also refreshing my wardrobe and updating my personal style which has been a lot of fun
In addition to the other suggested approaches such as installing porn blockers, journaling, etc, I am hoping I am on the right path.
If you have read this far, thank you. I am open to talking to other men (gay or straight) so that we can support each other on the path to change.
A bit about me: I am 48, soon to be 49, gay and in a monogamous (though sexless) marriage since 2006. I began using porn videos and magazines throughout my teens, 20s, and 30s. I didn't find high-speed streaming porn until my late thirties, and it wasn't until I got a smart phone in my mid-40s that things started to get out of hand because of the ability to access porn during any free moment of the day. I may be a bit unusual in that I don't always masturbate while I watch porn (although I will sometimes). I have used porn to keep myself in an unnatural state of continual arousal throughout the day and then use porn memory/fantasy when I am ready to masturbate before bed.
I came of age in the 80s when constant news reports about AIDS in the gay community created the equation in my mind that sex=death, so for me porn was a way to safely explore my sexuality - we were always told that porn and masturbation was a 100% healthy and safe option. Porn became my sexual liberation, and the thought of giving it up is causing a feeling of profound grief. I have been a "serial monogamist" throughout my adult life, and if I wasn't in a relationship I used porn as what I perceived to be a safe alternative to the more usual approach of gay men to seek out multiple anonymous partners.
My husband and I have not had sex for about 5 years. He has had some health issues that have affected his libido, but I think the issue is deeper than that. I suspect he may actually be asexual (which is another rabbit hole I have fallen into over the last few months), but is not ready to identify as such. Regardless, the mounting sexual frustration has driven me to more porn usage, and thoughts of pursuing sex outside the marriage (whether openly or secretly) have certainly been weighing on my mind. I mention this because I have no data to report on whether I can currently perform with a partner or not.
Over the last year I have also been dealing with a diagnosis of autoimmune disease. I have been working with a really good doctor who has helped me immensely, and I am noticing improvement with each passing month. However, this is a source of confusion since I am left wondering to what extent my autoimmunity is contributing to my sexual dysfunction. So, here are the list of symptoms I have:
1. Inconsistent erection (both in duration and firmness)
2. Occasional loss of erection just before orgasm (as soon as my heart rate increases)
3. Delayed ejaculation (this has been an issue as long as I have been sexually active)
4. Incomplete ejaculation (a feeling that my orgasm fizzles out before it has run its course)
5. Anorgasmia: this is the worst and most confusing one. I ejaculate, but with almost no pleasurable sensations of orgasm
The symptoms are intermittent, but have become more prevalent over the last 6 months or so. Since all of my symptoms from the autoimmune disease have been getting consistently better with treatment but my sexual symptoms have not, I am hopeful that this means they are the result of something else (i.e. porn) and may resolve with a reboot.
So my plan: begin the 90 day no PMO reboot. My partner and I are trying to rekindle a sexual relationship, so I will have sex if the opportunity arises, but otherwise I'll be avoiding porn and masturbation. I have the following positive behaviors in my life to focus on instead:
1. I'm starting a small business which I hope to launch in March
2. I'm starting an exercise program, which is new for me.
3. I'm learning German on Duolingo. Since I can access the program on my phone, it is a good alternative to turn to when I reach for my phone for porn
4. I am also refreshing my wardrobe and updating my personal style which has been a lot of fun
In addition to the other suggested approaches such as installing porn blockers, journaling, etc, I am hoping I am on the right path.
If you have read this far, thank you. I am open to talking to other men (gay or straight) so that we can support each other on the path to change.