HopeReaper
Member
Hello to everyone here, and thank you for participating in this life/soul saving forum. I have been reading through the forum for a few days now and I see all of you in me. I?ve been PMO since the late 90?s. I just registered here this morning and I felt that writing a bit down would help us? So here goes? I haven?t PMO since Tuesday, it?s been 5 days for me.
I was able to give up alcohol 4 years ago with the help of a similar forum called soberrecovery.com, it saved my life at the time and as a result I have come to know the power of honesty through a recovery forum. I am now using many of the tools that I learned in that war to fight this war against PMO. I have no more delusions about it, THIS IS A WAR for my soul and I?ve been collaborating with the enemy. I have hurt myself and my loved ones because of my chronic use of PMO and I want it to end. I do not want to give anymore of myself to these dark forces.
I got REALLY sick on Monday, it came on quickly and it felt something like the norovirus, I was violently ill like I haven?t been in a very long time, if ever. I could literally feel it physically, the evil forces inside me. It felt like a tumor, it hurt so badly. It felt like evil would feel if it was truly something tangible, which I am beginning to realize that it is. I prayed. I prayed like I did when I finally quit alcohol. I asked Jesus to take the evil out of me, I told him that I can?t do it alone and that I needed help. Immediately I felt some relief, but that was just the beginning, I knew in that moment what I must do, I had to give up what was festering inside of me.
I teetered on Monday whether or not I should delete all my P? I thought maybe I?d just take it off my computer and back it up somewhere and that would help. Wrong. On Tuesday, while still violently ill I found myself looking at the P and desperately trying to get some relief or satisfaction from it. I felt like I was being pulled under? physically, mentally, spiritually? it was terrifying. I asked Jesus again, ?Help me please, what must I DO??? I had the answer before I even finished asking the question. My faith can remove evil from me but if I keep adding evil then it?s not effective. I deleted ALL my porn, a massive library that took me many years to assemble. I scoured my computer?s browsers deleting every link or history. It felt good, like I had turned a new leaf as deleting this P was something that I considered in the past but was never able to do. I felt like I was fighting back finally.
While still very sick, the withdrawals from PMO began on Wednesday night. I had some of the worst headaches that I?ve ever had. I could not eat. I could not sleep. I began feeling utter despair, hopelessness, thoughts of self hate. I couldn?t get out of bed but was wracked with pain while lying in bed. My body ached all over (of course the virus contributed to this, but who?s counting?) in a way that I cannot remember. That is what brought me to this site and this community. I wanted to find out what to expect from PMO withdrawal so I began reading your stories. I found myself in you. I found so many of you that went through these same symptoms? and that they passed, something I am familiar with through alcohol recovery. I was no longer alone in my PMO addiction. The more I read, the angrier I got. I was angry of how widespread this problem is and how much pain it has caused all of us. Angry at the lies that I had fallen for. Angry that I had allowed these evil forces to take so much from me. Angry in all the wonderful women that I have hurt and lost in my life because of PMO ?. Angry that it has made me a worse father. Angry of the social isolation and weakness that it has caused?
My anger slowly turned to empathy for myself, rather than self hate. This is one of the hardest things in alcohol recovery and it seems to be the same here. We have to give ourselves a break for our mistakes otherwise we can never heal from them. We are already beat up? beating ourselves up further is one thing that can lead us back to the pit of self-loathing and apathy, the devil?s playground.
Well now I?m ready to fight. I am feeling considerably better today, Sunday. The virus seems to have passed but my brain is in a heavy fog (along with insomnia, seems to be most common with PMO withdrawal). I haven?t had strong cravings to PMO yet but as I?ve read, I understand that it?s not necessarily a linear progression and I am vigilant of such feelings. Right now, when I think of PMO I get angry, not angry at myself, angry at PMO. I want it to stay that way. I should be angry at such a bad thing. Reading all of your posts has really ended any sort of delusions I had about PMO. It has made us very sick people and using it will continue that illness. I have to remove it from my life or suffer. Those are my choices. I?ve suffered enough. I want to go to the light. I want to be free. Thank you all for being here.
I was able to give up alcohol 4 years ago with the help of a similar forum called soberrecovery.com, it saved my life at the time and as a result I have come to know the power of honesty through a recovery forum. I am now using many of the tools that I learned in that war to fight this war against PMO. I have no more delusions about it, THIS IS A WAR for my soul and I?ve been collaborating with the enemy. I have hurt myself and my loved ones because of my chronic use of PMO and I want it to end. I do not want to give anymore of myself to these dark forces.
I got REALLY sick on Monday, it came on quickly and it felt something like the norovirus, I was violently ill like I haven?t been in a very long time, if ever. I could literally feel it physically, the evil forces inside me. It felt like a tumor, it hurt so badly. It felt like evil would feel if it was truly something tangible, which I am beginning to realize that it is. I prayed. I prayed like I did when I finally quit alcohol. I asked Jesus to take the evil out of me, I told him that I can?t do it alone and that I needed help. Immediately I felt some relief, but that was just the beginning, I knew in that moment what I must do, I had to give up what was festering inside of me.
I teetered on Monday whether or not I should delete all my P? I thought maybe I?d just take it off my computer and back it up somewhere and that would help. Wrong. On Tuesday, while still violently ill I found myself looking at the P and desperately trying to get some relief or satisfaction from it. I felt like I was being pulled under? physically, mentally, spiritually? it was terrifying. I asked Jesus again, ?Help me please, what must I DO??? I had the answer before I even finished asking the question. My faith can remove evil from me but if I keep adding evil then it?s not effective. I deleted ALL my porn, a massive library that took me many years to assemble. I scoured my computer?s browsers deleting every link or history. It felt good, like I had turned a new leaf as deleting this P was something that I considered in the past but was never able to do. I felt like I was fighting back finally.
While still very sick, the withdrawals from PMO began on Wednesday night. I had some of the worst headaches that I?ve ever had. I could not eat. I could not sleep. I began feeling utter despair, hopelessness, thoughts of self hate. I couldn?t get out of bed but was wracked with pain while lying in bed. My body ached all over (of course the virus contributed to this, but who?s counting?) in a way that I cannot remember. That is what brought me to this site and this community. I wanted to find out what to expect from PMO withdrawal so I began reading your stories. I found myself in you. I found so many of you that went through these same symptoms? and that they passed, something I am familiar with through alcohol recovery. I was no longer alone in my PMO addiction. The more I read, the angrier I got. I was angry of how widespread this problem is and how much pain it has caused all of us. Angry at the lies that I had fallen for. Angry that I had allowed these evil forces to take so much from me. Angry in all the wonderful women that I have hurt and lost in my life because of PMO ?. Angry that it has made me a worse father. Angry of the social isolation and weakness that it has caused?
My anger slowly turned to empathy for myself, rather than self hate. This is one of the hardest things in alcohol recovery and it seems to be the same here. We have to give ourselves a break for our mistakes otherwise we can never heal from them. We are already beat up? beating ourselves up further is one thing that can lead us back to the pit of self-loathing and apathy, the devil?s playground.
Well now I?m ready to fight. I am feeling considerably better today, Sunday. The virus seems to have passed but my brain is in a heavy fog (along with insomnia, seems to be most common with PMO withdrawal). I haven?t had strong cravings to PMO yet but as I?ve read, I understand that it?s not necessarily a linear progression and I am vigilant of such feelings. Right now, when I think of PMO I get angry, not angry at myself, angry at PMO. I want it to stay that way. I should be angry at such a bad thing. Reading all of your posts has really ended any sort of delusions I had about PMO. It has made us very sick people and using it will continue that illness. I have to remove it from my life or suffer. Those are my choices. I?ve suffered enough. I want to go to the light. I want to be free. Thank you all for being here.
