Regaining my life

2 weeks so far. My name?s fastfreddy and I?m a PA.  And I?m comfortable knowing that I will always be a PA who cannot look at porn.

In terms of background, I?m 55 years old, married since college. We have 5 kids and grandkids but have been empty nesters for the last year and a half. I do go to the gym most weekday mornings (even though I?m still a lively 330 pounds).

I?m amazed that so many guys remember an event or when they started masturbating. I can?t remember not masturbating or even the first time, from the time I was in middle school. Magazines upon magazines, my dad?s old-timey stag films, heck even lingerie Sunday newspaper ads back in the day.

I?ve been caught at home and work. My wife has repeatedly caught me, which was followed by lots of tears, yelling, slamming, and my begging, apologizing, and promising to change/stop. One of my kids even caught me once. So much shame. But I never stopped and just tried to come up with better ways to hide it and not get caught.

I realize that I?ve reached rock bottom. How?d I get here?

For decades, I PMO?d every day, sometimes 2 or 3x?s. I had my own financial business for 20 years that provided flexibility and opportunity, but it went under in early 2019. I felt overwhelmed by emotions ? frustration, anger, embarrassment, depression, and then really deep shame. I?ve been in a job search for almost a year, but it?s been pretty self-defeating?by spending so much alone time with PMO. So my shame deepened, which made me crave the feelings from PMO.

My wife had to return to work in a job she doesn?t like since I was unemployed. More shame, more PMO.

Sex has always been an issue in our marriage - I?m HL and she?s LL. But about 15 years ago after another confrontation in the bedroom, I decided that?s it. I told her that I would stop pestering and bothering her for sex. So we went from about once/week to once/month or so.

For the past couple of years, I?ve experienced worsening DE and now ED (which I now realize may be PIED). How sad is it that you can?t get hard but still edge so long you can orgasm while soft, then blame your wife for not understanding that. More shame, which lead me to more PMO. My wife has also gone through menopause (with all the joys of peri-menopause before that) and what libido she did have evaporated. Sex means only PIV to her and it?s quickly uncomfortable even with lube. And we?ve tried many products - and don?t even bring up any form of HRT, which she equates to legal suicide. I?ve also tried more thoughtful techniques (daylong foreplay, subtle indirect hints, etc.) but we?re down to doing something in the bedroom about every 3 months or so. I?ve held to my promise ?not to bother her for sex.?

A few weeks ago, my wife announced that we have to start marriage counseling as soon as I get a job. She won?t go until I?m employed, because everything has been put into a holding pattern so we can get by on her salary alone. If I were to honestly confess everything to her, I believe that our marriage would be over, and I still love her and don?t want to cause her so much pain and sorrow in a divorce. So I've got to do this on my own because the "or else" is too awful.

I?ve damaged so much ? my income, my career, my marriage, my self-worth. But I know I?m not alone and I have to make a stand. It feels different this time, less desperate and more determined that I can?t continue my self-destructive habits. I have to end my addiction before it ends me.

And so, here I am. Thank you to so many for writing in this and other sites. I?ve learned so much and gained comfort and inspiration from your comments and advice. I hope someone else can read this and also realize that PA is not hopeless and it?s not too late.

Glad to see you decided to get going in this battle-looks like you have a lot going on right now from many areas of life.  The way you put it, more determined than desperate, seems very appropriate.  You have a lot to fight for-you can do it.  Glad to see you are keeping up with working out-that is often the best part of my day!  Stay committed, and keep the big picture in mind. 

Hey Freddie  hows things going  are ya still with us

    cheers

    Post often it helps me it helps you

18 days. I've been going through flatline, but Saturday night was a disappointment. My and wife and I were in the mood, I rose to the occasion (granted with a little pharma help), but then I had to finally admit defeat due to DE. Wife didn't have that problem for herself and was down that "I was getting so old." Ouch! I know it's only been 18 days, but...it's still difficult to acknowledge the damage I've done.

Still clean but yesterday was a really challenge. Felt the PMO desire as soon as I woke up, and my mind went from there. Working on my job search, alone at home, feeling anxiety/frustration, w-a-a-a-y too easy to fall back. So I took some good advice and got up to do something. Anything. Cleaned a bathroom. Organized a closet shelf. I got myself out of the environment and away from bad habits. And then I spent more time reading posts.

Your posts... So many, so much hard-earned wisdom, so many great ideas. The journeys of Joepanic and CurlyBill among others have been really helpful. I'm very grateful that I've found this community and realize that others are so similar and were and are open to sharing their successes and setbacks (not defeats).

The tip I'm focusing on today: When you're first getting PMO sober, that the number of days can be used like a prop to keep you going. While months later, tracking the exact number of days may decrease in importance. But right now, thinking about growing that little number (go baby, go!) gives me a very specific focus, something to grab onto to celebrate. It might be small, but it's all mine.

Hey Freddie

      I like like your outlook  its a bit similar to mine.  Some say counting days is not all that important.  I find it is  especially early on.  I looked for little benchmarks  like for you being at 18 days, its now less than 3 days till you hit 3 weeks.  That little benchmark or goal of lasting another 3 days  gives you a nice sized victoy of 3 weeks  and than a  reachable goal of a month in not far off.  I also like your use of the term "setback" rather than "defeat"  I setback means your still in the race  a defeat is the race ended without you finishing.    The  finding of things to do  when you feel triggered or the urge is really important.  To me that is breaking a familiar pattern  and building a new one  with a different outcome.  Stay the course  and keep your eye on the ball  thats how players win  or take it one step further and envision where the ball will be so you can be the 1st one to get it.  Basically a quote from the Great hockey player Wayne Gretzky     
 
      Dont skate to where the puck is  Skate to where its going to be  for no one will be there to meet you

    cheers

    Post often it helps me it helps you

25 days. I?m really rebooting for the first time in decade. And reading others? accounts gives me food for thought.

It?s bugged me that I struggle to recall when I started PMO. When I was 11 or 12, I remember seeing my dad?s magazines when he?d throw them out. Naked Women! I?d cut out specific pages (to save space) and keep them in my room to use as I wanted. I was a fat, only child in a dysfunctional family and had really immature and poor social skills. PMO, music, and 1 brief girlfriend were my emotional outlets. I loved school but it was really socially painful for me. I know?that?s true for almost everybody.

So my path was set ? it was way too easy and often to just retreat and PMO. Ignore negative or critical emotions and get a bonus of the emotional release from dopamine. But that?s also why I?m at peace with now admitting that I am an addict, a PA. I know myself - I cannot stop once I start. Never have. So, my path is all about P sobriety because I just can?t handle it.

I?ve been getting urges less often and a little less strong. Inadvertently (and frankly, unwantedly), I?ve been going hard mode. And that?s lead me to think about the interplay between my PA urges and what?s going on in my life.

We had a rough weekend. My continuing unemployment is a fog over our life, but she?s getting to her breaking point. We both acknowledge that we need counseling and our communication is poor and getting worse. I broke down and cried/sobbed about our marriage Sunday night but this seemed to enrage her, that I was so weak. One good thing-I didn?t get angry back at her, which I?ve done in the past, but I just felt crushed and sad.

Come Monday morning, I was depressed and now exhausted, really in a dark mood. She was anxious/borderline angry ?about everything.? Seeing her like that compounds my guilt and shame about our circumstances-financial, marital, everything. Here's the reason for this long sob story - I again found myself alone at home, needing to go back into the office to search for jobs. My addiction was screaming ?RETREAT! COME BACK!? I was so close to giving in that I had to keep the computer off and read posts here on my phone to fight the urges off. Not to be overly dramatic, but reading NoFap and RB Nation were the only things that kept me sober. Thanks so much for posting!

25 days. They?re not many but they?re all mine. And having shared this, I feel better now.

Hi FastFreddy, I am so sorry you're going through such a painful time.  Don't be too hard on yourself for breaking down and crying this weekend,  I think it's a natural and appropriate response given all the challenges you're facing.  And at a really low point you didn't give into cravings and urges for porn. That is a huge success. Hang in there and take things one day at a time.

We all agree that it's really important to monitor/manage your emotional state. And that completely got away from me last night into this morning.

I tried to have a serious conversation with my wife after dinner about issues in our relationship, and it completely blew up in my face. I wanted us to be comfortable, safe, non-confrontational, to discuss our feelings in a calm manner. 3 hours and many mutual tears later, it was neither comfortable nor non-confrontational. In fact, things seem worse than before. We finally both were not saying anything and were falling asleep after retreating to opposite ends of the couch, so we silently got up and went to bed. I didn't sleep well - I know my wife didn't either. Morning came and feelings were still very raw. Little was said. I went to the gym and lifted. Really hard, to exhaustion. Got home, grabbed some breakfast, and went to my office to start my day job searching. Oh...but all the feelings, all mixed up. Angry 1 moment, sad the next, then tired, then desperate, then melancholy, then...

You know what happened next - the slip down the slippery slope. The weakness, the lack of focus, the jumbled up emotions. Damn it.

And so I reset. I'm actually not all that upset - because I stopped it after 1 time and I identified a sense of anger that lead me to doing it. Granted, I wish I hadn't PMO'd. But I'm an addict trying to regain my life. I have a better idea of my triggers - and now I have to figure out what to do with that info.

That seems to be a good way of sizing up the situation, in that you are not "all that upset."  Disappointed, yes; disillusioned, no.  If you don't binge and get back going immediately, it is a non-event, a one-off item.  Keep going, start back up today, and keep posting. You are not back at square one-you have gotten far down the road.

Why???  The question that so many of us wrestle with.

Why do we want to stop? That's easier and in most cases, pretty obvious for each of our circumstances. Mine? It came down to time and control. Well, that and my increasingly broken dick. I was self-employed for years, working alone at home...and my business went under. Before and since, I was giving up hours to my PA and using that to control my emotions. Really awful choices made by an addict.

But why did I allow my addiction to go on and on so long? Sure, I've tried to stop from time to time over the years - we all have. The embarrassments from being discovered, the painful moments caused with my wife, the feelings of despair and desperation to stop. Thinking back, my feelings and emotions related to PMO clearly changed over time from when I was an awkward teenager, to college, to married life, to raising a family, to becoming empty-nesters. Getting some time and space from PMO (and it's only been 28 days since I've acknowledged that I'm a PA and 2 days since my reset) seems to allow me more clarity to examine myself and kind of do an emotional inventory.

I'm still pretty flatline and the urges continue to get more manageable. Unexpectedly, my wife hasn't been a fan of the changes I'm trying to make in our relationship. I'll call them clumsy attempts to increase our communication and intimacy. A little more background...About a year ago, I discovered No More Mr Nice Guy, which was like a light being turned on for me. I recognized and realized a lot about myself from that. My wife also wasn't a fan of my changes after working through that book.  :-\  I'm realizing that I have more than I thought to overcome and get back into my wife's heart, which is a slap in my face to know.

I'm also realizing that anger drove my PMO in recent years - anger at myself that I also projected onto my wife. Combined with an incredibly toxic internal dialogue produced an emotional jumble that I was trying to manage through PMO. I felt like I didn't deserve anything better. But after the dopamine bath, my feelings about my PMO amped up my anger. A viscous, self-fulfilling cycle.

Reading here and at NoFap has made me realize that I'm not alone and that I can end my PA. I feel a little like I'm emerging from a cave into sunlight. A little uncomfortable, a little disorienting, but a good change. And I'm realizing that I want and deserve better. I need to continue to work through and let go of my anger along with quieting that damn internal dialogue. I'm more motivated in my job search (which still sucks) and to make improvements in my relationship with my wife. I know that I will always be a PA, but I'm trying to be a motivated, recovering PA.

And like milk (or is it oatmeal?), posting does a body good.

An interesting weekend. My wife left to attend her cousin's funeral and I found myself completely alone, Thursday thru Saturday. Good news: Successfully handled any urges. Bad news: Living the flatline. Just no excitement or interest, which seems very odd to me. I kept myself busy cooking and cleaning on Saturday (as a recovering Nice Guy). We just hung out on the couch once she got home from the airport, listening to her decompress from catching up with close and distant family members. And I made chili and grilled cheese for dinner, which I thought would be fine. It was not. But we managed to have a quiet and enjoyable Super Bowl, both kind of working while the game was on.

I'm continuing to explore my emotions and working on getting my internal dialogue to not be so self-hateful. I found some posts (and links) that really explained the cause/effect between my fetish of choice with the underlying feelings. WOW, another lightbulb moment. And it's really reassuring to read how other guys can be just as screwed up as me and still work to get better. I'm now taking the time to think back about how I've gotten this way - which is time that I used to spend on PMO. I've never engaged in such deep self-reflection, as I was too busy working, raising a large family, and satisfying my addiction. I'm realizing that my anger seems to come from feelings of inadequacy and not being good enough. Wait, this so means that I AM good enough, which is just a completely contrary thought about myself.

So...5 days sober, 31 days since I acknowledged that I am a PA. And things seem to be getting a little better.

Checking back in....

45 days since admitting that I'm a porn addict, with 1 reset 19 days ago.

"Things" are improving with my wife, but the chaser effect is really killing me 2-3 days after. And I'm in a day 3 now. I'm still having mood swings, which really throw me. I'm still struggling with my feelings almost feel crazy sometimes.

Still feeling tons of pressure from the job search, and I broke down this AM and looked up one of my old stand-by's. I guess I should be concerned that I still remember the exact site and address, but it makes sense considering I watched it (and others) every weekday for years. They're still burned into my memory...  Anyhow, I let myself enjoy a 30 second clip, but the feeling was...odd. Not sexual at all, no desire to MO. It felt like I was just looking at and admiring a fine theatrical performance (which I guess is exactly what it was). Then I closed the browser and went back to work. I know I should be outraged and agonizing over it, but I'm really not. I'm still comfortable and committed to not PMO-ing. My environment is still not good - working alone in my house, on the computer, stressing over finding a job opportunity, realizing that I utterly suck at networking.

I've read posts about how differently we carry ourselves and how we act after we stop PMO and had dismissed them. But I'm now starting to believe there actually may be something to it. My wife has started accepting my offers and is maxing out her libido at once/week. Believe me - no complaints as we had gotten down to once/3 months over the last couple of years. I have been really pleasantly surprised at the positive reactions from my overtures these past few weeks.

And on a related note, I actually got chatted up by an attractive woman this past weekend at a band gig! That hasn't happened since I can't remember when. Initially, I was shocked, really surprised. Then I thoroughly enjoyed the moment, knowing it was safe and innocent since we were in public - but still a lot of fun! I think I'm still blushing...

I have never had insomnia in my life, but I think I suffered from it last night. Awake but just too tired to get up from 3-5 AM. My mind was racing with thoughts and worries - a couple times I checked my pulse rate (thanks, fitbit) which was up in the 90's (usually in the mid-60's). Anxiety I'm guessing?

This job search is grinding me down, and I lost the battle with my negative inner dialogue. Heck, I was agreeing with it and doubling down - just overwhelming feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. I could logically understand what was going on, but I just couldn't redirect it at all. Which in turn makes my feelings spiral lower.

My wife had a terrible day at work Wednesday, so I insisted and gave her a back and leg massage that evening - heated oil, the whole 9 yards. I really, truly just wanted to do something nice for her and for it to be non-erotic, maybe so I could be physically intimate without being sexual. I (well, we) failed. I was very apologetic and my wife was fine with what happened. For some reason, that really bothers me - like I wanted to prove something to myself but couldn't. I also feel like I'm starting to lose her respect from my inability to get a job - any job. Perhaps that's related - like I can't control my life right now, which hurts me to admit and makes me feel terrible about myself.

I'm still sober, 49 days since I acknowledged that I'm a PA and 23 days since my 1 reset. I'm feeling good about my reboot. It's just these mood swings that are killing me. So I'm asking for any advice on what you've done, if you've been kept awake by worries. And how you disarm your inner dialogue that keeps telling you what a loser you are and gives specific examples. Thanks guys!

fastfreddy said:

I have never had insomnia in my life, but I think I suffered from it last night. Awake but just too tired to get up from 3-5 AM. My mind was racing with thoughts and worries - a couple times I checked my pulse rate (thanks, fitbit) which was up in the 90's (usually in the mid-60's). Anxiety I'm guessing?

So I'm asking for any advice on what you've done, if you've been kept awake by worries. And how you disarm your inner dialogue that keeps telling you what a loser you are and gives specific examples. Thanks guys!

Click to expand...

You are doing fine on the reboot front, so be proud of that!  But now that you covered some ground, something must be telling you that you need new challenges, especially the kind that are important to you, like finding a job, feeling appreciated and respected by your wife.  It may be one reason anxiety is keeping you from sleeping...

Nobody knows what circumstances need changing in your life.  So it is up to you to determine what equation you need to work out.  If it is something along the lines of:
low self-worth + no job = anxiety + poor sleep quality
then you can start by changing one little thing, like doing something that will improve your self-worth.  As an example, I feel good after an exercise session, or after having read for a solid hour.

By implementing small changes, one step at a time, you make it possible to bring the greater changes.  So finding a job is no longer a mountain in front of you, it's a series of hiking trails that slowly improve endurance and confidence over the whole stretch.

Leonidas said:

fastfreddy said:

I have never had insomnia in my life, but I think I suffered from it last night. Awake but just too tired to get up from 3-5 AM. My mind was racing with thoughts and worries - a couple times I checked my pulse rate (thanks, fitbit) which was up in the 90's (usually in the mid-60's). Anxiety I'm guessing?

So I'm asking for any advice on what you've done, if you've been kept awake by worries. And how you disarm your inner dialogue that keeps telling you what a loser you are and gives specific examples. Thanks guys!

Click to expand...

You are doing fine on the reboot front, so be proud of that!  But now that you covered some ground, something must be telling you that you need new challenges, especially the kind that are important to you, like finding a job, feeling appreciated and respected by your wife.  It may be one reason anxiety is keeping you from sleeping...

Nobody knows what circumstances need changing in your life.  So it is up to you to determine what equation you need to work out.  If it is something along the lines of:
low self-worth + no job = anxiety + poor sleep quality
then you can start by changing one little thing, like doing something that will improve your self-worth.  As an example, I feel good after an exercise session, or after having read for a solid hour.

By implementing small changes, one step at a time, you make it possible to bring the greater changes.  So finding a job is no longer a mountain in front of you, it's a series of hiking trails that slowly improve endurance and confidence over the whole stretch.

Click to expand...

Great advice from Leonidas. I enjoyed reading your journal fastfreddy. If self worth is an issue for you, then take pride in your being here and the streak that you've put together - it's an inspiration.
What you said about arguments/conflict with your wife being a trigger is really insightful. Although I don't tend to argue a lot with my wife, I do find that anything that I internalise as rejection becomes a strong trigger for me.
I too am also unemployed at the moment, so feel your pain. I guess in the current environment things may be challenging for a while - all the more reason why its important not to equate self worth to things that are outside of our control. All you can do is take responsibility for the things under your influence (your thoughts, actions, staying porn free, being communicative with your wife etc), and not to focus on the things that aren't DIRECTLY within your control (whether your actions translate into job success immediately or not). Ref your insomnia, I find daily meditation to be a great help. In addition, my favourite book is 'stop thinking, start living' by Richard Carlson. Just opening up and re-reading random sections this book reminds me just how much what I think has a direct influence on my actions and quality of life. Good luck my friend and best wishes.