Just lost my family

I do not want to be anything but blunt.  I hate myself.  Today I looked at porn then lied about it and now I have lost the only thing that really matters in life my partner and my children.  I have no dignity left.  I hate myself yet I still look.  I am sitting in the dark alone.  It hurts.  I need help.  It is probably too late.  What have I done?

I'm not sure my words will help. I'm sorry this has happened, it is terrible. A lot of people on these forums know the empty, dark feeling that self-destructive behaviour brings. Personally I can relate to watching porn even though I know it is doing me no good.
I can't offer advice but you are clearly suffering and I wish you all the best. You are not alone. There are other forums and groups of people like this, many of whom are suffering and have suffered.
Sending you love and kindness.

I know exactly where you are.  I?m there too.  I felt I was doing really well and then I wasn?t.  I got scared and didn?t come clean.  That was my wife?s only bright-line rule.  And I blew it.  So much hard work gone and my wife too. Haven?t told the kids yet. 

i have no partner and no children but im no stranger to feeling bad about using porn. bad is a bad word. suicidal may be more appropriate.

if you know you are porn addict and you wanna change it, it was really bad move to lie about it. it gets on my nerves when people wanna quit and lie their wives about relapses but its because i have no wife and i dont know how it is. i do know that it can be tremendously difficult to admit such a failure to others.

you could focus on your relationship with yourself. i see you have no dignity, you hate yourself. start accepting yourself. do not bullshit yourself with fake positivity or degrade others in order to uplift yourself but accept yourself as you are.

i know this may turn out to be the greatest thing that happened in your life but right now your life seems to be really horrible to be honest with you. i dont remember ever seeing a more depressing post on this forum. god gives you only what you can handle. apparently he thinks you are a bad ass.

as long as you are kicking it, it cant be too late for help or change but it still sucks nonetheless. none whatsoever. start with self esteem.

Lostmyfamily said:

I do not want to be anything but blunt.  I hate myself.  Today I looked at porn then lied about it and now I have lost the only thing that really matters in life my partner and my children.  I have no dignity left.  I hate myself yet I still look.  I am sitting in the dark alone.  It hurts.  I need help.  It is probably too late.  What have I done?

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I'm really sorry to hear this.  I can only imagine the hurt.

Is it too late?  Well, too late for what?  To quit porn and change your life, change how you behave, change all of these habits?  Never.  Never never ever.  Is it too late to get your family back?  I have no idea on that - I have no details about your family, and even if I did, I lack clairvoyance.  But, when you're stuck in a hole, there is one direction to get out, regardless of how deep you are: up.  I will say that to reconcile with your family will mean starting at the beginning and learning to leave porn behind.  It won't be easy, but one day at a time will get you there.  I promise.  Does your partner understand that porn addiction is a real problem?  When people don't understand how gripping porn can be, it can seem like porn defines them.  When we understand it as an addiction, we see that there is an awesome person hiding behind that addiction.

Stick around, read some threads, contribute as you feel you want to.  I highly recommend checking out the other board on here for the partners of rebooters when you're ready.  There are some great, warm hearted people who post there regularly.

I would suggest fighting for your family. Come up with a plan to fight porn. Read "Your Brain on Porn" for sure. I made the mistake of giving up when this happened to me; your family wants you to fight for them.

I am a partner and the wife an a porn addict who lied for a long time. I understand how that feels and it sucks. I don't know your situation and I certainly don't know where your wife is at but one thing I do know is she is hurting too. You have children together so she will always be in your life. Start today. Be the man you want your kids to be. Be an example of what it looks like to crawl out of the darkness and walk with integrity. I am not her so I can't really say if forgiveness is an option or not but I do know that is will not be if you just sit in feeling sorry for yourself self. I am not trying to be harsh but to give you perspective. Set back and think about her perspective and what you would need had she done this to you? Start today. Make goals, small ones to start. Communicate, even if she isn't responding much I guarantee you she is listening. Read the book " Love you, Hate Porn" it is good. It will give you some insight as to a partners perspective. A lot of men don't realize that scary place a partner finds herself in. They love their husband but at the same time he is the one who is causing the hurt. He is lying and it makes their reality feel shaky and uncertain, they feel unsafe. Weather you patch it up or not you need to help her feel safe again and the very first step is honesty and recovery. Encourage her to come on here too and get support from some of the other partners. It is really hard and partners don't always have someone they feel comfortable talking to so having a place where there are other women who have been there is huge. She needs to know she is not alone.

I am truly sorry for you and your family but there is always hope if you are willing to work for it. If she does come on here let her know she can reach out to me if she wants. I am happy to encourage anyone who is hurting because I know how much it can hurt. Both of you should read partners journals and start trying to talk, if not for your relationship at least for your kids.