Hi guys,
I thought that I had made it! I went about 4 years without a relapse, but here I am. I believe I have learned a lot, as well as my spouse during these 4 years. I am ashamed to say that I need a lot more growth. I wish I had just admitted to her about my relapse, and then when she suspected I still lied! Ugh! It makes me feel like I'm back to square one again. My addiction has really challenged my family, and almost broke us apart 4 years ago. Through the grace of my SO she stayed with me, even when things looked bleak, and I was a total jerk. I don't know if I can express how disappointed it is to think you have finally made it and then to just fall back in the hole just like before.
I didn't value my marriage during the PMO days. I took things for granted, and basically eroded the marriage. I've been in a daze for the last couple days, not processing my emotions, but today I realized unlike last time, I need to fight for this marriage! We have had our rocky times, but I just can't imagine my life without her. I don't express this enough ( obviously I need to improve here) that she means so much to me. We are like the best of friends, mostly always enjoying the company of each other.
And to be so stupid and throw this away? What the hell is wrong with me?! She deserves better. The amount of damage I did to her before was astronomical, and to put her through this again? She may not want to stay with me over this, but I'm going to fight for this anyway.
This is day 4.
I thought that I had made it! I went about 4 years without a relapse, but here I am. I believe I have learned a lot, as well as my spouse during these 4 years. I am ashamed to say that I need a lot more growth. I wish I had just admitted to her about my relapse, and then when she suspected I still lied! Ugh! It makes me feel like I'm back to square one again. My addiction has really challenged my family, and almost broke us apart 4 years ago. Through the grace of my SO she stayed with me, even when things looked bleak, and I was a total jerk. I don't know if I can express how disappointed it is to think you have finally made it and then to just fall back in the hole just like before.
I didn't value my marriage during the PMO days. I took things for granted, and basically eroded the marriage. I've been in a daze for the last couple days, not processing my emotions, but today I realized unlike last time, I need to fight for this marriage! We have had our rocky times, but I just can't imagine my life without her. I don't express this enough ( obviously I need to improve here) that she means so much to me. We are like the best of friends, mostly always enjoying the company of each other.
And to be so stupid and throw this away? What the hell is wrong with me?! She deserves better. The amount of damage I did to her before was astronomical, and to put her through this again? She may not want to stay with me over this, but I'm going to fight for this anyway.
This is day 4.