Fresh start to a new life at 30

Hey guys, I'm back to this forum after a few years of being away, and this will be my 4th REAL commitment to rebooting. I just turned 30 in December, and I've had a couple of streaks of 30-60 days but I always end up getting pulled back in. Fortunately, the days of PMOing 3+ times per day every day like I did in high school and college are over, and now sometimes I wont give in for 7-10 days, then I'll do it 3-5 times in two days, or I might consistently do it once every 2nd or 3rd day for a month at a time.

I'm not going to share the long version of my story in this first post, I will sprinkle it out as I go, but here's a general overview:
Very lonely childhood, loving but emotionally unavailable parents. had basically no supervision really ever, and got my own computer in my room when I was 13(which was of course a bad idea)

started PMOing at 12, for the next 8 years I was a consistent 3+ times(sometimes up to 6-8x on weekends) a day every. single. day. did a ton of edging at night.

Had PIED with a dozen different women from 16-21, didnt lose my virginity until first 30 day streak at 21.

Developed HOCD due to porn escalation, actually hooked up with 1 male and 3 trans women when I've been at my lowest points. I'm a straight man, who when depressed, porn use increases drastically, and that shift in sexuality starts to occur. I've found there's such a direct correlation between depression, porn use, and how aroused I get by degradation and humiliation, and homosexual behavior.

Got married to an amazing woman at 25, cheated on her with a girl I worked with, and my wife finally divorced me in July of last year and has completely moved on from me, even though I wanted SO BAD to try to fix our marriage.

Actually performed as a cam model, MOing for gay men on webcam for money, which I kept in house and used to interact with other women on the website. I did this during the late stages of my marriage, after the porn use started to become heavy again, but before I cheated on her. After self-reflecting on this, it just goes to show how much I loved the ATTENTION I got.

and here I am today
I'm moving 2 hours away from the city I live in where EVERYTHING reminds me of my ex-wife and the shame from my divorce. I'm starting graduate school in May. I have a girlfriend right now who has dealt with addictions before, but she knows EVERYTHING about my story, and shes willing to help me through this process, and might move with me in a couple of months.

I'm currently on Day 5 of no PMO. I guess you could say I'm doing hard mode right now, but we are planning a vacation trip in three weeks, where we are planning to have sex, then we will again when her birthday comes around a few weeks later, but then nothing else until I move, and even though I would love to make it a one month thing for the next year or so as I continue to focus on my own personal recovery, then LONG TERM I would eventually like to follow the Taoist philosophy of only ejaculating every 7-14 days. Of course, all this depends on how everything goes, but I'm actually EXCITED about this process again.

Hey man, welcome back. Sounds you've had it rough. But good of you to be this open. I commend you. I'm looking forward to seeing your progress.

Good luck

Day 6 no PMO

Urges started to come back a little bit last night, but I was able to refrain myself fairly easily, so I am grateful for that. I am also currently an avid pot smoker. I started in high school, smoked throughout college, stopped after school, started back during the latter stages of my marriage, stopped again during the divorce process, but started back up a few months ago and I'm doing it every day, multiple times a day. Not a ton, but a couple of hits in the morning, a couple during the day, and a few more at night. Still, it's an issue and I know it's keeping me from performing at my best in all aspects of life.

I'm going on vacation where weed is legal in a couple of weeks, and that's going to be my stopping point, so that I'll have time to pass a drug test if I'm tested before I start school this summer.

ShadeTrenicin, thank you for the support!

Day 11 no PM(Day 5 no O)

Mood kind of plummeted on Monday, but I'm back up to around a 6/10 today, and optimistic about the future. I went to my SAA group last night, which always kind of elevates my mood for the following 24 hours. I did have sex with my girlfriend this past weekend, which I definitely do not consider a relapse, but know that I have to stay alert to triggers following those occasions. So far so good. We are going to Denver next weekend so we are kind of "saving it" until then.

I am more committed to this reboot now than I have ever been before, because I know I have to be. I have been wallowing in shame the last few months after seeing that my wife has moved on from me completely, but I am finally out of that dark place, and know I have to stay out of that negative mindset. I used to laugh at the idea of "positive self talk". Now, it's the one thing that I KNOW keeps me going. One of my clients gave me the book "The Obstacle is the Way", which is about seeing life from a stoics point of view. I started rereading it the other day and it has definitely helped me take positive steps forward. I'm excited about the future again.

Wow, today I've felt totally awful. I woke up this morning and felt good, meditated for 10 minutes and journaled, but a couple of minutes later I started to clean out a couple of things in my room since I'm getting ready to move soon, and came across a couple of pictures and a sentimental toy. I immediately broke down, and realized it was finally time to get rid of these things. After my wife found out about the affair and I moved out of the house this time last year, she wrote me a letter about always loving me but needing to move on bc shes been hurt too bad, wishing me luck in the future, etc. For about a month after that, I read the letter every day. Lately it's only been once a month or less, but I've kept it in my wallet this whole time, and I burned it this morning. Holding on to all of these things is just my own refusal to LET HER GO.

I also looked back on my account on here, and saw that I started a reboot journal whenever I was engaged back 6-7 years ago. The journal did not last long at all before I disappeared, and all the shame from all of this is all coming back. I'm fighting hard to stay out of it though and to stay optimistic about the future. What happened, is neither good nor bad. It is, and I control my perception of it. There are no mistakes, only training and life lessons.

Day 12 no PM(Day 6 no O)

I didn't have as much trouble sleeping last night as the night before, but I did wake up with my shorts pulled down a little bit, which was alarming. I don't remember this being a significant issue last time, but I know it was a thing. I'm wondering if this is always going to be an issue after O, or if the longer I go without PM, the less it will be an issue regardless of O. Either way, I'm going to have to continuously monitor my symptoms.

Even though I cried multiple times this morning, I'm STILL hopeful for the future. And I don't think I could say that if I was still PMOing every day.