Rebooting Day 66 (still not interested in sex with my gf)

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eljoeyjojo

Member
Hey Fellas, My name is Joey and I'm 35. Just finished reading Your Brain on Porn about 2 weeks ago and at first I was very excited but now I'm beginning to question myself. In the last 66 days I only relapsed twice and a few days later I had sex with my girlfriend but something really weird happened. I had stayed strong and about 40 days in I wanked it twice pretty much, one day at night and then the next morning which I felt terrible after doing. My gf and I haven't been dating for a long time so we we're "waiting" for the right time which in theory sounded like a really good idea. Prior to that I would make out with her and get massive erections but she would stop me 'cause she wasn't ready so I thought nothing of it except wait till we have it.

About 3 weeks ago things were getting hot and heavy and we decided to do it but surely after I started I immediately lost interest and started losing my erection though I did finish within about 5 minutes 'cause it had been a while without wanking it I guess. My gf noticed and mentioned that I wasn't even hard so I played it off with some poor excuse and she kinda let it go. About 4 days after that again we were making out and decided we move to the bedroom and then immediately lost the very little erection I had. She felt (feels) terrible I felt (feel) less of a man and then I had to come clean and tell her I was doing NoFap for about 35 days before I met her and that I might have a problem. It was possibly the most embarrassing thing I've ever done, I felt so ashamed and useless but it needed to be said. My gf got very upset at first and then eventually supported me in on this journey.

I am now on day 66 without any relapses since that day but ever since that horrible night in my bedroom I can't seem to get an erection from her. Which is very strange considering I could get erections making out with her all the time just weeks before that happened. I could possibly have sex with her but I know I'd have to go into my own head and fantasize about all the messed up things just to get an erection. My gf is very pretty and she has some really nice tits and I know that but why can't I get aroused by her? Now I feel I have to make up for that night so I'm thinking about fantasizing, getting hard and then having sex with her but I feel that would be counter productive. I read about guys my age saying that their girlfriends wouldn't do it anymore but eventually it changed and I'm getting worried there might be something really messed up with me. To make things worse there is this girl I met in the same building I work at who I would occasionally talk to and eventually got her number. Needless to say we started saying some messed up stuff and she might also be into the same sick shit I am so now just thinking about meeting this girl and performing my fantasies with her arouses me immediately while if I think of just vanilla sex with my gf it just doesn't do it for me. Another thing that worries is me that if I do go and practically cheat on my gf by role playing my fantasies with this other girl, wouldn't that also be counter productive? I mean just having vanilla sex with this girl doesn't get me that excited, a little bit but it's probably because she's new girl and as guys we tend to be sexually attracted to what we never had before. If I picture my gf in that fantasy scenario it doesn't play out the same, I find it demeaning and I wouldn't ask her to do it. All I really wanna do is get to that level of having vanilla sex with my gf, get consistent erections and forget about my fantasies but at the moment all that seems so far away.

Any other men out there going through or gone through the same thing I'm going through? I know this is suppose to be a process of up to 1 year but any kind of feedback, opinions would be greatly appreciated.
 
ShadeTrenicin

ShadeTrenicin

Well-Known Member
Hey Joey, first of all welcome.

As for the loss of interest; you are not the only one. This is one of the many withdrawal symptoms you can get. But, it will go away.

For now good of you to come and join us. I suggest you start reading other peoples journals so you can see what we are all strugling with.

All the best to you!
 
ShadeTrenicin

ShadeTrenicin

Well-Known Member
The fact that you are on here shows that you are taking ownership of your problem. And that is the most important thing here.

 
Wolfman

Wolfman

Active Member
Hey eljoeyjojo,

good of you to start this journal - that is a super important step and it's to be commended! Now, I don't think you mention your porn history (not that you have to), but have you thought about your usage of porn before you started your nofap? If you have, like many on here (myself included), been glued to porn for many years to over a decade, it may take a very long time for your brain to "reset" and then develop organic lust-patterns. And the fact YOU WANT vanilla sex, and not the more kinkier stuff (even that seems to be what gets your blood boiling for the moment), tells me that it's sexuality that's got a hold of you, and not you of it. I can recommend UniversalMans video series titled Sexual Self-Mastery Series: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J55TZ0JaJXY&list=PL38uJEf-kRcaI0d2I9M_IjGWMFkHk8qCC

I think you may need to take a break from all things sex, give your brain a good deep reset and allow it to find its own creativity (ask yourself, how many of the fantasies you are having are from you alone, or between you and a partner, and how many are from things you've seen on-line?). I learned from Mark (the UniversalMan guy) that we don't _need_ sex, orgasm, etc. You _can_ manage without it. Well, if you can manage without it, you're not bound to it, and so, when you do pursue, you do it freely and on your terms.

But I know this stuff is incredibly hard, but hold on to your striving. You've already started educating yourself about the mess porn can make, and so going back becomes near impossible knowing what you know now. I wish you plenty of strength and hope! Keep coming back to this journal and write whatever you feel necessary.
 
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eljoeyjojo

Member
Thanks Wolfman! I'll definitely check out the video.

As for an update on my porno addiction it will be 90 days of reboot on Saturday and I've had 2 relapses which was a back to back wanking (once to online porno and the other to fantasizing). I'm very happy that I have made it 90 days without watching porno but I will not sugar coat it and say that my results are "amazing" like other rebooters often say. I was already eating healthy and exercising pretty regularly so the "extra energy" is not one of the things I've noticed. In fact I could say that it has had the opposite effect. Often when I would wank it at least once or twice a week I had more energy to exercise. The overall happiness feeling is true, I do wake up happier and with more enthusiasm than before and my my sleeping has improved a bit but not like incredibly better. The first 2 months were very hard when it came to sleeping as my brain would often think that it needed to wank before going to sleep. To be quite honest I don't miss watching porno and never really enjoyed the after math feeling so I have gone almost 90 days with watching porno once and I don't miss it. But I do have a very STRONG WILL POWER that most people don't posses so I have found it to be really easy not watching porno.
What hasn't been easy is the idea of fantasizing to get hard! This is the most annoying part of this whole reboot, I often go into my head and start fantasizing (not really about a porno scene but I do try to play out my fetish with my gf) and according to the book Your Brain on Porn, your brain doesn't know the difference between a screen and what your brain is perceiving so in theory, have I really stopped watching porno?

As for issues with my girlfriend, we got into a lot of fights because of this and much more so we're taking a break. Being the horrible person that I am the first thing I did was invite one of those women to my place and just like that I was harder than I had ever been in months. Luckily for me this girl was not very experienced so we couldn't have sex but she did give me hand job and I had no issues. Does that count against the rebooting? I know what I did was very wrong on so many levels but I'm trying to reboot successfully and not sure if this is helping or doing the complete opposite. In the book Your Brain on Porn Dr. Gary mentions an experiment that included a female rat and a male rate where the male rat would constantly mate with the female rat until it became "boring". The male rat became less and less interested so they added a new rat and again he peaked in mating. They repeated this experiment over and over again with the same results. I'm no rat, (I think) so I know that type of behavior is very destructive. I want to be able to make love (not just sex) with my future wife without falling into the rat trap but no matter what I did I could not get a natural erection with my gf compared to this other girl who came over. My gf and I are taking a break and maybe you're right Wolfman, I need a bigger break from any sexual related activities. I guess my addiction is a bit different where I don't miss porno to be quite honest, I barely even think about it and I can probably say that I will NEVER watch it again. I just want to get erections normally without having to go into my head and create an unrealistic fetish scenario just to have sex with my future girlfriend.

I truly hope that by 6 months I am in a different place but I will say that porno has been a big waste of time and the results can be devastating. Thank you fellow Rebooters!!

 
C

CB

Active Member
Congratulations on your streak! Kkeep it up! I?m 200+ days of rebooting/sobering and I have been noticing that my libido comes and goes, in the beginning my dick was totally dead for very long. It is scary, and it is scary to get all these ?what if? thoughts about your gf. I have been going through the same thing. I?m lucky my gf is very understanding about it all. I?m sorry to hear you two had difficulties. What you have to know this addiction is not going to go away in a while, it is imoprtant not to get stressed about sex, there?s other aspects of relationships and our lives we have to enjoy too. We tend to get stuck on sex while rebooting, of course we are, it?s been something that?s occupied lots of time through out our lives while using PMO. I?m 200+ days and I still get weeks of flatlining. When we have had sex me and my gf it?s been great and my erection has been the best it?s ever been. Performance anxiety has been a huge deal throughout my life when I?ve had sex with girls I?ve met.
They say sex/porn addiction is taking about 2-4 years to get sober from. When most addicts feel symptom free, but like any addiction it will always be with us now for the rest of our lives. I hope you can relate, and that you?ll feel better.

Keep fighting it?s worth it!
 
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akpal2

Well-Known Member
eljoeyjojo said:
Thanks Wolfman! I'll definitely check out the video.

As for an update on my porno addiction it will be 90 days of reboot on Saturday and I've had 2 relapses which was a back to back wanking (once to online porno and the other to fantasizing). I'm very happy that I have made it 90 days without watching porno but I will not sugar coat it and say that my results are "amazing" like other rebooters often say. I was already eating healthy and exercising pretty regularly so the "extra energy" is not one of the things I've noticed. In fact I could say that it has had the opposite effect. Often when I would wank it at least once or twice a week I had more energy to exercise. The overall happiness feeling is true, I do wake up happier and with more enthusiasm than before and my my sleeping has improved a bit but not like incredibly better. The first 2 months were very hard when it came to sleeping as my brain would often think that it needed to wank before going to sleep. To be quite honest I don't miss watching porno and never really enjoyed the after math feeling so I have gone almost 90 days with watching porno once and I don't miss it. But I do have a very STRONG WILL POWER that most people don't posses so I have found it to be really easy not watching porno.
What hasn't been easy is the idea of fantasizing to get hard! This is the most annoying part of this whole reboot, I often go into my head and start fantasizing (not really about a porno scene but I do try to play out my fetish with my gf) and according to the book Your Brain on Porn, your brain doesn't know the difference between a screen and what your brain is perceiving so in theory, have I really stopped watching porno?

As for issues with my girlfriend, we got into a lot of fights because of this and much more so we're taking a break. Being the horrible person that I am the first thing I did was invite one of those women to my place and just like that I was harder than I had ever been in months. Luckily for me this girl was not very experienced so we couldn't have sex but she did give me hand job and I had no issues. Does that count against the rebooting? I know what I did was very wrong on so many levels but I'm trying to reboot successfully and not sure if this is helping or doing the complete opposite. In the book Your Brain on Porn Dr. Gary mentions an experiment that included a female rat and a male rate where the male rat would constantly mate with the female rat until it became "boring". The male rat became less and less interested so they added a new rat and again he peaked in mating. They repeated this experiment over and over again with the same results. I'm no rat, (I think) so I know that type of behavior is very destructive. I want to be able to make love (not just sex) with my future wife without falling into the rat trap but no matter what I did I could not get a natural erection with my gf compared to this other girl who came over. My gf and I are taking a break and maybe you're right Wolfman, I need a bigger break from any sexual related activities. I guess my addiction is a bit different where I don't miss porno to be quite honest, I barely even think about it and I can probably say that I will NEVER watch it again. I just want to get erections normally without having to go into my head and create an unrealistic fetish scenario just to have sex with my future girlfriend.

I truly hope that by 6 months I am in a different place but I will say that porno has been a big waste of time and the results can be devastating. Thank you fellow Rebooters!!
Click to expand...

Hi eljoey, i am what you would call a serial relapse case. Although I have been cured of this but then I relapse. I know about fantasizing because I have suffered a lot at its hands. There is something else I realized after I was cured.

For the sex to happen properly the sensation has to come from the penis and then go to the brain. With our fantasizing we end up wiring it the opposite way. This is just my insight and no science behind it. We fantasize and get hard and think this is how sex will work. Unfortunately that is not how it works.

Secondly, for your reboot, it can take a very long time (1.5 years is not uncommon). That means all pics, all edging, all jacking, and all fantasies are to be done away with. If its not "real" (think of plain vanilla sex with your partner) then it is not something we should be indulging in.

I am here to encourage since I need encouragement myself. I am restarting my counter today. I had edged yesterday and had PMOd on Saturday. So, the beginning of a new journey.
 
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eljoeyjojo

Member
Hey Akpal2

Thank you so much for reaching out. I totally understand what you mean by "real" and not indulging on fantasies to get an erection. I appreciate your words and I hope you can get through your addiction soon brother.

Update:

I broke up with my gf indefinitely and there were other issues a lot more than just sex that led to this decision and it was probably her way of trying to control me and her negative/toxic vibe that just didn't suit well with me. I remember when her and I first had sex and when I just wasn't into the whole thing all that much she said, "you were barely hard" and it's true but that was very early in the stages of my reboot. A few days after that we were both feeling it and we tried to have sex but it just wasn't arousing at all so I told her about my condition and we had a very long fight that night. The next day she said some pretty hurtful things (things that needed to be said and things I NEEDED to hear) and she pretty much demasculated me and said, "you're the weakest man I've ever met" and other things. From then on our relationship went from happy/laughter to serious/anger (mostly on her part as she has a very defensive personality). We pretty much ended over 1-2 weeks ago and I feel less stressed, happier and more in peace because I know I gave her everything I had.
Last week this girl I had not heard from in months messaged me that she wanted to come over and just have sex. When I saw this I was quite surprised because women do not tend to message me in this way at all but who am I to say no right? I thought about my ex-gf at that moment and thought that if I wasn't able to have sex with my own ex-gf without fantasizing then why would this woman be any different but I was curious to see. I had sex with this girl a few months ago and at that time I was not rebooting and still watching porn so I wasn't able to keep an erection for long as it was not arousing enough for me.

She came within 30 minutes knocking on my door so I invited her in. She said, "let's do this right now" and I tried to be civil and asked her if she wanted to have a chat first but she declined. I wanted to chat a bit to get the feeling of getting aroused but she was very desperate and pulled me into my room and then at that exact moment I started getting an erection. She gave me a nice much needed bj and the feeling was amazing. I put on a condom and had sex with this girl but it was DIFFERENT. Sex was so AMAZINGGGGG and the best part is I was there and my brain NEVER needed to go anywhere to get an erection. I had no fantasies and stayed pretty hard the whole 10 minutes (yes I know very short) and I fought very hard not to cum too soon so as to not disappoint her but it had been a while since I had sex and the feeling was AMAZING! I'm very happy with this short progress because for the first time in a while I was present, I was focused on being in that moment and it was totally vanilla sex.

She was not too pleased with the short 10 minutes but I was smiling the whole time telling her how grateful I was. She wanted to go again and I could've probably gone again but I didn't wanna binge on that so I told her I was done for the day. After that we watched a movie and I asked her how the sex was compared to last time and she said that it was a lot shorter (in terms of time) but that she felt I was a lot harder this time and it even hurt her a little. That's probably the best compliment I've received in a long time.

I will not turn down sex next time the opportunity comes along but I will not chase it I think. I feel that Wolfman is right, I need a break from all sexual activities including sex but I needed to find out just how bad I was. Having sex with that girl proves that I'm doing much better and although I still got far to go I am staying strong. I do think I was able to have sex without fantasizing because I had not seen this girl in over 5 months so the "new" girl aroused me quite quickly.

One thing I learned about this whole rebooting while DATING with a girl or even probably MARRIED is that you really do NEED someone who will support you. CB talks that his girlfriend was very understanding and I cannot stress how important that is. My ex-gf demasculated me with harmful words and now that I think about it, I don't think the problem was not being able to get hard with her. I think the issue was that somewhere along the line I lost any feelings I had for her and her negative attitude was so unattractive that my body wanted no part of it. Because she does have a fucking sexy body but goes to show you that it's not always about the physical connection but the emotional connection you have with someone. I wasn't perfect but she would constantly say, "you need to fix yourself" over and over again that the pressure was there and I didn't wanna disappoint her. I know I could've done a lot more and had she been a little more positive then I would've maybe been able to have vanilla sex with her without an issue.

I will continue my reboot here and update anyone who cares to listen on new things I discover. I have a reminder for my first year without porn or wanking it and I hope to reach there without ever falling again. Thank you and I hope everyone is doing better each day!
 
C

CB

Active Member
Good to hear you feel more at ease with yourself now! I?m glad to hear you are keeping up the rebooting process, I can imagine it could have easily gone the other way around instead after a break from your ex gf.

It sounds like she was very much toxic to you and not doing you any good in to becoming a better person, sounds like she wasn?t helping you at all. Defensive people are often very insecure with themselves, my ex gf was like that, she would lash out at me and tell me, it was my fault the sex wasn?t as fired up anymore then before. Things like that hurts a ton to hear, when we try the hardest we can to become a better person. And most of all, a person who can build a healthy relationship. I think most of us on here think so, of course we want to have sex again and not worry about wether our penis is going to be on our side the next time we jump to bed with a partner. It sounds like you did the right choice and I can relate to being in such a relationship. I can asure you there is plenty of girls out there who will be understanding and comforting through these tough times when rebooting.
I hope you feel better and keep on fighting, we are here for each other. And what I have learned the last year while I?ve been off pmo is that there is many more things than I thought, that made me turn to pmo, it?s the easy way out.

I wouldn?t say you are a weak man, you are strong because you are on here trying to give up your bad habits that make your life less enjoyful.

 
A

akpal2

Well-Known Member
eljoeyjojo said:
Hey Akpal2

Thank you so much for reaching out. I totally understand what you mean by "real" and not indulging on fantasies to get an erection. I appreciate your words and I hope you can get through your addiction soon brother.

Update:

I broke up with my gf indefinitely and there were other issues a lot more than just sex that led to this decision and it was probably her way of trying to control me and her negative/toxic vibe that just didn't suit well with me. I remember when her and I first had sex and when I just wasn't into the whole thing all that much she said, "you were barely hard" and it's true but that was very early in the stages of my reboot. A few days after that we were both feeling it and we tried to have sex but it just wasn't arousing at all so I told her about my condition and we had a very long fight that night. The next day she said some pretty hurtful things (things that needed to be said and things I NEEDED to hear) and she pretty much demasculated me and said, "you're the weakest man I've ever met" and other things. From then on our relationship went from happy/laughter to serious/anger (mostly on her part as she has a very defensive personality). We pretty much ended over 1-2 weeks ago and I feel less stressed, happier and more in peace because I know I gave her everything I had.
Last week this girl I had not heard from in months messaged me that she wanted to come over and just have sex. When I saw this I was quite surprised because women do not tend to message me in this way at all but who am I to say no right? I thought about my ex-gf at that moment and thought that if I wasn't able to have sex with my own ex-gf without fantasizing then why would this woman be any different but I was curious to see. I had sex with this girl a few months ago and at that time I was not rebooting and still watching porn so I wasn't able to keep an erection for long as it was not arousing enough for me.

She came within 30 minutes knocking on my door so I invited her in. She said, "let's do this right now" and I tried to be civil and asked her if she wanted to have a chat first but she declined. I wanted to chat a bit to get the feeling of getting aroused but she was very desperate and pulled me into my room and then at that exact moment I started getting an erection. She gave me a nice much needed bj and the feeling was amazing. I put on a condom and had sex with this girl but it was DIFFERENT. Sex was so AMAZINGGGGG and the best part is I was there and my brain NEVER needed to go anywhere to get an erection. I had no fantasies and stayed pretty hard the whole 10 minutes (yes I know very short) and I fought very hard not to cum too soon so as to not disappoint her but it had been a while since I had sex and the feeling was AMAZING! I'm very happy with this short progress because for the first time in a while I was present, I was focused on being in that moment and it was totally vanilla sex.

She was not too pleased with the short 10 minutes but I was smiling the whole time telling her how grateful I was. She wanted to go again and I could've probably gone again but I didn't wanna binge on that so I told her I was done for the day. After that we watched a movie and I asked her how the sex was compared to last time and she said that it was a lot shorter (in terms of time) but that she felt I was a lot harder this time and it even hurt her a little. That's probably the best compliment I've received in a long time.

I will not turn down sex next time the opportunity comes along but I will not chase it I think. I feel that Wolfman is right, I need a break from all sexual activities including sex but I needed to find out just how bad I was. Having sex with that girl proves that I'm doing much better and although I still got far to go I am staying strong. I do think I was able to have sex without fantasizing because I had not seen this girl in over 5 months so the "new" girl aroused me quite quickly.

One thing I learned about this whole rebooting while DATING with a girl or even probably MARRIED is that you really do NEED someone who will support you. CB talks that his girlfriend was very understanding and I cannot stress how important that is. My ex-gf demasculated me with harmful words and now that I think about it, I don't think the problem was not being able to get hard with her. I think the issue was that somewhere along the line I lost any feelings I had for her and her negative attitude was so unattractive that my body wanted no part of it. Because she does have a fucking sexy body but goes to show you that it's not always about the physical connection but the emotional connection you have with someone. I wasn't perfect but she would constantly say, "you need to fix yourself" over and over again that the pressure was there and I didn't wanna disappoint her. I know I could've done a lot more and had she been a little more positive then I would've maybe been able to have vanilla sex with her without an issue.

I will continue my reboot here and update anyone who cares to listen on new things I discover. I have a reminder for my first year without porn or wanking it and I hope to reach there without ever falling again. Thank you and I hope everyone is doing better each day!
Click to expand...

Great to hear from you eljoey and I am really happy that things are moving in the right direction. Keep up the good work. Stay positive. I am also trying to stay positive and steering away from the PMO.
 
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Georgos

Well-Known Member
I am in love with my girlfriend truly, she's perfect for me, but physically I'm scared, I'm strictly no sex before marriage.
 
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eljoeyjojo

Member
Georgos, why are you scared? How long have you been rebooting now? Also have you stopped all porn, masturbation all together? Like I said before and CB can back me up, having a person who can understand your addiction and issues is very important. However if you are strictly no sex before marriage and you are not gonna get married any time soon then you have plenty of time to reboot and you won't have issues later.
 
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Georgos

Well-Known Member
I had long thought that the climate change porn that I came across was the idea of some white man, who was effectively creating more ghettos for the youth, I wasn't scared, but now I know he is only the director, not the owner, I'm having second thoughts. My wife and I are in love, but the law has yet to be finalized, in my opinion, Co-operative movie making in terms of workers rights and independent prostitution (i.e. working for oneself) should be legalized, but corporate ownership should not. I am not interested in the war, those that make it are challenging a higher power. Thank you.
 
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Georgos

Well-Known Member
I suppose that's the way the law is already, so what goes around comes around, I don't watch porn except research purposes, it is not a relief :(
 
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eljoeyjojo

Member
Update:

I'm well over 4 months now and as I said before, I'm a stubborn SOB so have a very strong will power and in 4 months I only relapsed once and will probably never do it again. In the last 4 months though I have had one night stands and it may not be effective to the whole reboot but I figure, if I really want to release the tension then it might as well be with a real human being instead of a screen. I have noticed that sex IS MORE AMAZING than I had remembered it and now I look back at those days ad feel sorry for myself and anyone else who lives getting off like this. 2 women who I have had sex with before told me that my erection is actually way harder than they remember so the process is WORKING!

I find I'm not fantasizing about porn at all, perhaps once or twice in the last month I've kind of thought about some porn scenes I was really into but quickly "shattered those thoughts" in my mind (which is very effective for me). I don't miss porn at all and I don't have any urge or had any urges to watch it at all. I've actually been using that energy in working out and it's working exremely well. I think I can keep this up for the whole year and HOPEFULLY by then I will have a gf who I hope I have no problem with. \

I'm quite religious and therefore my lent sacrifice this year is to give up for 40 days all related physical contact with women. No kissing, no touching, no wanking of course, no watching porno obviously and no sex. Should be a breeze as unfortunately there are not too many women keen on having sex with me at the moment so I should be fine. I am also giving up alcohol for 40 days and have done it in the past so that should be easy as well but we'll see how this plays out as last year my way of releasing stress during lent was to wank it away or have sex. Since I started the reboot I've gone a few weeks without any action and alcohol has been my friend but now I'm on my own for 40 days so this should prove to be a good test for self control.

I wish everyone good luck and remember that this addiction CAN and WILL BE BEATEN!!! by any means necessary! Have faith and take it one week at a time
 
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