Corey_Balboa
Member
Hello all,
After some time reading your stories and discovering how you guys were handling this journey, I decided to give a try in a journal and join the fight into this battle against ourselves. So I'm 42 years-old, gay, not native English speaker (some of my sentences might seem odd), married for 4 years now with a wonderful man.
After years of PMO and PIED, I discovered YBOP and everything in my life appeared to me so clear for the first time in my life. I decided to accept the challenge and I am today Day 8 Nofap and Day 4 No P.
Looking backwards, the only word that pops in my mind when thinking to my sex life is "frustrating", and now it appears to be related to a PIED deeply rooted in me. My first P was on my dad's VHS when I was 10(daddies, throw away your P movies, your kids will find them sooner or later, it is a matter of time). Of course, I didn't had a clue of what this lady was doing with this banana, but I kept staring for 5 minutes before my dad caught me and sent me straight to my room. In the following months, I understood that there might be another video like this in the VHS huge collection, I started watching each of them and succeeded in finding one or two porns in there (straight porn of course). That was it, I started my membership to the Happy Wanking P Addiction Club.
Of course, little by little, I was discovering my sexual orientation. Even though I never blamed myself not being straight (one of the rare act of kindness I had towards myself) I must admit that when M I was trying to focus on the woman and not the man and see if things could change with time, but of course it was useless. But even if I didn't blame myself, my coming happened wayyy later, at the age of 21.
Even at that time, without high speed internet, it was pretty easy to grab some P material. premium channels, magazines, even some erotic video games, there was a lot out there that could fullfill your addiction. I even manage to sell some of these to other schoolmates at the age of 17, spreading the disease I guess.
At that time I had a gf, and even if we were shy and respectful, at some point she was expecting some action. We started cuddling but I didn't felt nothing but fear. My penis was dead and I was wondering "How the hell am I going to get out of here ?" As you can imagine, we broke up soon after this moment.
One thing important is that, at this age, P was filling several needs in me : first, of course, it was blowing my mind with dopamine, but second, it gave me this akward representation of what a real "man" should be, and in the same time how I should be and how is a man that deserves to be loved. It created this friendly demon in me, living in an incredible world of fantasies, feeding itself with my self esteem, showing me that reality is shit compared to what is happening in my mind. Honestly, the fantasy world I had in the head was so important, so great, so attractive, one of my biggest fear was to become schizophrenic and not being able to find out what reality is anymore (no offence to people who suffer this disease).
After the gf incident, I thought that things would probably get better with a guy. It took me a lot of time to accept to live as a gay man, tried to have two or three gfs before without success, before deciding to really meet a man.
My first time was with an average joe that didn't really turned me on, apart from the fact he was finally from the right gender for me. At that time, being a young guy seeking, you couldn't really see the difference what is to become a one night stand or a love affair. Of course this first love story didn't last long. This first time in bed was very interesting, it was a relief, I knew I was doing the right thing for me, but on the other hand it wasn't as incredible as I could have imagined, or as P and my fantasies told be it would be. Here started the frustration.
From what I remember, I always had some difficulties during sex. I have a very sensitive acorn, therefore I'm not fond of BJ especially with gentle bites, I always suffered of DE, rarely enjoyed penetrating my partner, and most of the time I have to finish with a long and boring M. On top of that, ED came before I was 30, didn't give much attention to it, but here it was. When making love, I spent all the time thinking first and foremost to the pleasure of my partner, it was a way to avoid the main problem of my ED, and sex was not natural, it was cerebral, I had to think a lot about it.
In a way, being gay was an chance as suffering of ED doesn't stop anything you can do with your partner (don't want to be crude, I'm sure you see what I mean). But this situation legitimized my frustration, meaning that I hardly would know an O during sex with my partner.
Of course, in another dimension, my demon was here, more powerful than ever. I gathered an incredible collection of P on hard drives, tried litterally any technology to find my something for PMO, from IRC to 3D glasses and discovering disgusting places on the internet. Lately, I noticed I had the same ritual : whenever I am left alone for some time (holidays, feeling sick...) I started with a crazy PMO marathon during a whole day, then, feeling down from under, I start cleaning the house before my husband get at home, and I try to keep good face even if I'm pretty anxious. Writing all this make me feel so pathetic. But at least I spit it all out.
I have a great husband, with no doubt the love of my life. Since we met, we learnt to build a great relationship. In bed, we discovered each other and we have a lot of pleasure, the best sex in my life, BUT it doesn't involve my ED, we do without. In some way, I have some good time with my partner, but after I need to get alone for a relief by PMO. This is an akward equilibrium I decided to stop a few days ago, with the help of this community.
After some time reading your stories and discovering how you guys were handling this journey, I decided to give a try in a journal and join the fight into this battle against ourselves. So I'm 42 years-old, gay, not native English speaker (some of my sentences might seem odd), married for 4 years now with a wonderful man.
After years of PMO and PIED, I discovered YBOP and everything in my life appeared to me so clear for the first time in my life. I decided to accept the challenge and I am today Day 8 Nofap and Day 4 No P.
Looking backwards, the only word that pops in my mind when thinking to my sex life is "frustrating", and now it appears to be related to a PIED deeply rooted in me. My first P was on my dad's VHS when I was 10(daddies, throw away your P movies, your kids will find them sooner or later, it is a matter of time). Of course, I didn't had a clue of what this lady was doing with this banana, but I kept staring for 5 minutes before my dad caught me and sent me straight to my room. In the following months, I understood that there might be another video like this in the VHS huge collection, I started watching each of them and succeeded in finding one or two porns in there (straight porn of course). That was it, I started my membership to the Happy Wanking P Addiction Club.
Of course, little by little, I was discovering my sexual orientation. Even though I never blamed myself not being straight (one of the rare act of kindness I had towards myself) I must admit that when M I was trying to focus on the woman and not the man and see if things could change with time, but of course it was useless. But even if I didn't blame myself, my coming happened wayyy later, at the age of 21.
Even at that time, without high speed internet, it was pretty easy to grab some P material. premium channels, magazines, even some erotic video games, there was a lot out there that could fullfill your addiction. I even manage to sell some of these to other schoolmates at the age of 17, spreading the disease I guess.
At that time I had a gf, and even if we were shy and respectful, at some point she was expecting some action. We started cuddling but I didn't felt nothing but fear. My penis was dead and I was wondering "How the hell am I going to get out of here ?" As you can imagine, we broke up soon after this moment.
One thing important is that, at this age, P was filling several needs in me : first, of course, it was blowing my mind with dopamine, but second, it gave me this akward representation of what a real "man" should be, and in the same time how I should be and how is a man that deserves to be loved. It created this friendly demon in me, living in an incredible world of fantasies, feeding itself with my self esteem, showing me that reality is shit compared to what is happening in my mind. Honestly, the fantasy world I had in the head was so important, so great, so attractive, one of my biggest fear was to become schizophrenic and not being able to find out what reality is anymore (no offence to people who suffer this disease).
After the gf incident, I thought that things would probably get better with a guy. It took me a lot of time to accept to live as a gay man, tried to have two or three gfs before without success, before deciding to really meet a man.
My first time was with an average joe that didn't really turned me on, apart from the fact he was finally from the right gender for me. At that time, being a young guy seeking, you couldn't really see the difference what is to become a one night stand or a love affair. Of course this first love story didn't last long. This first time in bed was very interesting, it was a relief, I knew I was doing the right thing for me, but on the other hand it wasn't as incredible as I could have imagined, or as P and my fantasies told be it would be. Here started the frustration.
From what I remember, I always had some difficulties during sex. I have a very sensitive acorn, therefore I'm not fond of BJ especially with gentle bites, I always suffered of DE, rarely enjoyed penetrating my partner, and most of the time I have to finish with a long and boring M. On top of that, ED came before I was 30, didn't give much attention to it, but here it was. When making love, I spent all the time thinking first and foremost to the pleasure of my partner, it was a way to avoid the main problem of my ED, and sex was not natural, it was cerebral, I had to think a lot about it.
In a way, being gay was an chance as suffering of ED doesn't stop anything you can do with your partner (don't want to be crude, I'm sure you see what I mean). But this situation legitimized my frustration, meaning that I hardly would know an O during sex with my partner.
Of course, in another dimension, my demon was here, more powerful than ever. I gathered an incredible collection of P on hard drives, tried litterally any technology to find my something for PMO, from IRC to 3D glasses and discovering disgusting places on the internet. Lately, I noticed I had the same ritual : whenever I am left alone for some time (holidays, feeling sick...) I started with a crazy PMO marathon during a whole day, then, feeling down from under, I start cleaning the house before my husband get at home, and I try to keep good face even if I'm pretty anxious. Writing all this make me feel so pathetic. But at least I spit it all out.
I have a great husband, with no doubt the love of my life. Since we met, we learnt to build a great relationship. In bed, we discovered each other and we have a lot of pleasure, the best sex in my life, BUT it doesn't involve my ED, we do without. In some way, I have some good time with my partner, but after I need to get alone for a relief by PMO. This is an akward equilibrium I decided to stop a few days ago, with the help of this community.