Turning it upside down

DayByDay

Active Member
Sorry ... I really should've started off with this first. I am 21 years old. Currently in 3rd year at University where I study Product Design. Part of my 3rd year involves a 6 month internship. Soooo I am working two jobs at the moment, one is in a kitchen place, Monday to Friday 9-5 where I design kitchens, the other is in a cinema over the weekends. I use the money from the cinema to pay bills and stuff like that. I spend what little free time I have either surfing the web, playing some video games on my pc, working on a motorcycle Im currently restoring with my dad ... Or worrying! Yeh I have a tendency to either worry a lot or just overthink things.

So ... To be honest I am not even sure where I should begin because the past few years have been way to much of a roller coaster for me. I am quiet, I keep to myself and well recently its felt like I keep to myself to much. My PMO habit isn't helping this either.

When I was younger and first being introduced into the world of women I was constantly looking around, thinking about them ... You know as you do. So when I first discovered Porn tubes at the age of 16 I thought that they were the greatest things in the world. No longer did I have to imagine anything, or watch some TV shows, I could simply click online, pick literally any girl I wanted and boom, 5 minutes later I was satisfied.

5 years down the line ... its even easier to access and I'm still hitting it up every day.

The first year or two I didn't think it was much of an issue. Actually probably the first three years. I had two steady girlfriends in this three year period and a number of flings. It was only at the last girlfriend that I noticed I had a problem. Well ... I think it was me, she was always too nice to say, but I could never do for her what she could do for me. Things went south with that relationship and I ended up single for about 10 months. During this time I PMO'ed a lot. Whenever it cropped up in my head I'd either pull out my phone and find a quiet place or if I was at home, lock my door and watch it on my TV instead. It normally only lasted 5 minutes but because it was so short and it felt good, I found myself doing it whenever I thought of it.

I met this guy around Christmas 2012 and he literally turned my life upside down in one night. I hooked up with him, fooled around with him and started to question my sexuality. It took my me three months of uncertainty to realise that maybe I was bi-sexual. Anyways further down the line we ended up dating. It was the happiest I had ever been in a relationship. He was like a best friend to me and because he was 3 or 4 years older I was doing social things I wouldn't normally have done (being the quiet guy I am).For the first few months I went without PMO but as time went on I started to do it more and more again. I was having the best of both worlds. An intimate relationship (with a guy who I found easier to talk to as opposed to any girl) and any girl I ever wanted in the form of PMO.

He caught me one day, not in the act, but a tab open on my browser. He questioned it and felt like crap about it but I told him I was just bored and was trying to keep myself busy.

So exactly one year after we had hooked up we were both out at a work Christmas party and long story short, I ended up in hospital and he ended up in a police station as he had assaulted me because of a girl I had been chatting to (nothing had happened between us he was just always very jealous of things like that, especially because I was BI so was attracted to both sexes). Things got really bad after that for me and I was so hurt because this was the person I had opened up most to and he had just turned on me in an instant. Even if it was a drunken mistake like he claimed it didn't make me feel much better.

Because we work together and because I truly believe he was sorry for what he had done i agreed we could still be friends and hang out but that was it. No more relationship. To this day we still hang out a bit but to be honest, it feels like we are still together emotionally just not physically. We hook up every now and then but I barley enjoy it ... I dont even know what I do it. Its not good because I dont enjoy it and its giving him some sort of hope that we may end up back dating.

Anyways that was a year ago and he was the last person Ive been with. The reason why Ive gone into detail so much about him is because well, all the PMO I ever watched was with women, never guys. I tried it a few times but It just didnt do it for me, yet when I was with him I could get hard no problem (at least at the start). So Its left me in a lot of uncertainty with regards to my sexuality. Is it just him  was attracted to, was he just a really good friend to me, was I curious ... I dunno ...

Since christmas 2013 Ive only really spoken to one girl intimatley since then. We would snapchat a lot, some photos here and there, no nudes but revealing shots. It was fun and i loved it but when it came to meeting up I just had no "drive" or "ambition" to go and meet up with her. I thought it was partly because of nerves and because its been so long since Ive been with a girl but after finding this sight I now think its mostly to do with PMO as I had hooked up with her frequently years ago so it shouldnt have felt new of awkward. It feels like PMO has destroyed my sex drive. Also in my mind why would I go through all those awkward feelings and nerves when I could open up my computer and resolve the issue in minutes. Because I had cancelled on her a few times we ended up falling out and now were not speaking.

So Ive been single and probably somewhat lonely, no scratch that really lonely the past year and well PMO seems like the perfect answer. Although its not. I know its not. I need a real person to share my life experiences with, not as you put it, pixels on a screen.

I found this website a few days ago and I have tried twice no to post my introduction. I didnt really know what to say in it and the above is a very brief and probably poorly explained summary of the last two years.

I want to stop with Porn.
I want to meet new people.
I want to go out and live my life.
I want to be confident and outgoing
I want to see loads of women and enjoy my 20s before I find the right girl for me.

I havnt PMOed since Easter Monday although I have used my imagination a few times since then, once this morning and once on Wednesday night. Is it okay to do this ? I understand that you shouldn't use any other forums of "inspiration" other than your own brain. Or should I try and go a week or two without any Masturbation ?

So since the last time was Monday, and its now Friday I guess Its ... Day 5 for me now. I feel fine, well fine as in I feel like I always have. So I guess Im just going to wait it out a bit more and see how Im feeling.

I will try and post daily but it might be tough with work commitments.

If anybody has any advice, inputs, tips, tricks or comments please feel free to post below.

As I said I am quiet guy but I am pretty easy to talk to once the ball gets rolling.

Thanks and hopefully Ill be hearing from yous soon.

A
 
M

mtaha2015

Guest
yes. please you come here and post daily, it will help you in reboot. I can't comment on your sexuality, because I have no experience in that stuff. but yes , PMO as usual is used by a addict to let go his pains, stress of life. so you are also using PMO habit to suppress your pains and stresses in your life. pains and stresses won't go away with PMO use. in fact it increases the pains and stresses in life. Life is hard, this is a reality and fact. you have to go through all the pains in your life. instead of using PMO to cure pains, just let the pains come and face them boldly. one day at a time , you will have to fight with this addiction of PMO.
 

DayByDay

Active Member
Thank you mtaha! Its nice to know people are there for me and are going through similar things. I don't or would'nt really talk to anybody about it to be honest in real life. Most people would either think I'm joking, think I'm overreacting or just be freaked out. You are right though, life is hard, and the only thing that will make it easier is the attitude you have with it. There is not one thing that you should abuse to face the pains and stresses in life.

Anyways yesterday after getting a PM from another member on this board, I decided to go with the Hard 90 challenge. I know its going to be a long 90 days but to be honest I feel that its the only way I can get away from PMO and fapping in general. So this is Day 1. Theres been no real cravings as of yet. I thought about it a bit this morning after I got home from a friends house, but instead I just kept going and showered and got ready for work. I think the first few days should'nt be so bad. Its the next few weeks that I am not really looking forward to. I know I can stressed and agitated fairly easily when I go without PMO for a few days. But .. like Churchil said (Yeh I did first see the quote on RN) "If you going through hell, Keep going".

 
M

mtaha2015

Guest
good one. if you are going through hell keep going. :) :)
through the flames you go. painful journey of reboot but it is 1000 times worth.you gotta be free from this plague of porn.
 

DayByDay

Active Member
Sooo Day 2.

I am writing this post from the comfort of my friends spare bed. Last night I had a few drinks and sat in with my x. Normally drinks plus me staying over would mean me staying in his bed but things between us seemed a bit tense last night.  am not sure if it's because of the no PMO. I didn't want anything to happy anyways because it's only the beginning and no point in falling at the first hurdle!

I feel good this morning again. Had a tiny bit of morning wood but I just left it alone and instead came onto RN and created a post. I also just remembered a really weird and horrible dream I had last night were I punched an old friend for betraying my trust. Is it A) normal to have this weird dreams ? (I did when I quit smoking) and B)does anybody know what the dream means ?

Once again the only thing in really feeling is the dread of the next few weeks. I really am going to be worried about my mood and stuff.

I think I will try when I have cravings to either come online and make a post or just find something else to do to occupy my mind. I used a similar technique when quitting smoking. Is it a similar addiction to people think ? IMO it's way worse, the negative affects PMO has on your brain far outweighs the health effects of snoking.
 

Jwayne10

Member
Hi bro.

Ive read your introduction.Im also a quiet guy and a 21 year old,third year student.Im a Maths and Economics Major. Keep going.Stay strong. We are all here to support each other. I hope you get some momentum going in beating PMO.Because once you have that you'll really start feeling good. Ive been PMO free for only 11 days.In the week that has past has been my first full week without PMO since last year when i went 21 days without PMO.
It feels really good. Try watching motivational videos in these early stages just to get some momentum going. Id recommend checking out Eric Thomas videos on youtube.

Have a PMO-Free day!
 

DayByDay

Active Member
Day 3

Hey Jwayne,

I checked out one of ETs videos last night. I am not really into that sort of stuff but even I found it motivational. Not only for PMO but even for stuff like college work. Defiantly gonna try listen a few more of his whenever I get the chance :) Yeh I am really looking forward to the future. Thats wha tyou have to do I guess to get you through times like these.

So .. work yesterday was pretty tough. I was working a 7 hour shift and towards the end I started to become really ehausted. I am not sure if this is from the lack of coffee on my lunch break or the lack of PMO. I was thinking about PMO a good bit last night. I never really had the urge to get up and do it but it was still on my mind. I just kept thinking to myself what is it going to be like in a few weeks time. I guess in my eyes this feels like the calm before the storm and I am just waiting for the worst to come. I am trying to think of it day by day. I read a quote yesterday from Ghandi and he said that each night we die and then each morning we are reborn a new person. Its a nice line in my eyes as we want to try and live every day to its fullest potential but I can do it with PMO in my life.

There is a positive though! I had a little bit of morning wood this morning. It wasnt anything to hang a flag from but I could feeel it there. Normally it would just be limp for me all day long until I looked at P so I am taking that as a huge stepping stone.
 

DayByDay

Active Member
Day 4

So Day 4 ... Not much is new today, I had some cravings a few times yesterday. I was very stressed out in work as well. A lot more than normal. But my workload has increased.

I find myself just not touching it anymore. Its not getting hard so its pretty easy at the moment to refrain from doing anything with it.

I've decided to starting growing a beard as well inline with my streak. Its been something I've always wanted to try so why not try it now ? I am also going to deidcate at least an hour a day to improving my skills for college. Things like sketching, photoshop and even illustrator! Hopefully that will keep me busy and keep me a bit more motivated to do well.

Better keep this short as I am running a bit late for work!

Also, might consider writing my logs in the evening when the day is fresh in my mind. 

Peace! And keep it a PMO free day!
 

DayByDay

Active Member
So like I said I am going to start writing my logs in the evening time as opposed to the mornings when the day is still fresh in my head (even though its actually past midnight here and I am pretty exhausted).

Today was pretty easy for me. I don't mean that in a boastful kind of way but I think I have just yet to hit any sort of flatline or serious craving. Maybe this is because my addiction wasn't all that intense to begin with or maybe thats just me playing it down and I don't want to make a fuss over it. However the more I read, the more I find that PMO was ruining my life and I didn't even know it. I am so happy to finally have a place and a method to get rid of it from my life. I had a few small cravings today. They mostly strike me when I'm bored at home with nothing to do, but I quickly try and shove the thought out of my brain and move on.

I went for a bit of a food shopping, noticed a few cute girls on the way there. I just looked. I didnt really fantasise, I just tried to admire their beauty if that makes any sort of sense. I am going to try and obstain from sex all together though until I feel a bit more comfortable around women.

My plan for next week is to try and get back into my gym routine. I am pretty light at around 76kg and my height is 6ft 3" so I could do with putting on some mass. No PMO would mean quite a lot more energy and another serious motivator to get back into shape if I want to start attracting people. I believe that with workouts, practicing relevant college skills and kicking my PMO habbit that I will be laying very strong foundations for a few happy years at least!

I am also trying to find any triggers or any P subs that I may use in my life without even realising it. I caught myself on FB today scrolling through my news feed and occasionally click on girls pictures (some I know and some just came up as friend suggestions). i close it down before I could even get any serious thoughts in which is good. I'm not going to be watching GoT for my Hard 90 as I know that show contains a lot of triggers. Is there any others I should be thinking of ? Common ones I might have missed!

Anyways Im gonna say good night now.

Day 5 come at me bro!
 

DayByDay

Active Member
Day 5

So its day 5 for me now on my Hard 90 reboot. I guess I should start off with a little bit about how I am feeling.

Honestly I am good. Great in fact. My sexual drive has never been at a lower level but to be honest I am enjoying it while it lasts because I know there are going to be times where all I want to do is PMO. I dont think what I am going through is a flatline, even though I am experience most of the symptoms I am still pretty happy with myself as a person. So for the moment I am trying not to think about any of it and just focus on the important things in my life. The real things so to speak like work and college and just general self improvement over all. I have found myself today noticing a few more girls here and there on my lunch breaks. Some are wearing really tight clothes but I generally just try to look away from these. I don't even want to give my brain the chance to fantasize about these women.

I am instead looking toward next Monday. Its then I plan on re-joining my local gym, changing up my diet (to include more food as I am pretty skinny) and just working from there. I only remembered today that I had tried no PMO before while I was into fitness a few years back but for different reasons. I heard it helped to increase testosterone levels if you didnt MO so I thought it would be a good advantage to have in bodybuilding. I do remember being a lot more dedicatted and a lot happier during these times so maybe PMO really has been a reason for my depression.

I find myself (when i have any spare time) browsing other peoples journals on RN. I generally keep it to my age group as I feel these are the most relevant to me even though I guess most people,no matter what the age,experience similar symptoms. I cannot believe how much it helps though to contribute to other peoples journals and to just read other peoples stories in general.

I don't really have that many interactions with that many people during the week as the place I am working only has a handful of staff and I commute directly to and from work on my bike so Im limited to pretty much talking to my father and one or two people at work. Dont get me wrong I dont mind this but well ... I get the feeling it kind of leads to boring entries ?

I am also determined to try and kick my weed habit at the moment and am pretty happy as today I was offered a blow off a pipe and managed to turn it down straight away. I think I need to try and stay away from it for a while at least until my head is clear and I am heading in the right direction.

If you have any comments or questions or simply want to know more about me please feel free to comment below.

Cya all on day 6.

-A
 

DayByDay

Active Member
So I've just had a few drinks tonight, on my own, trying to relax. Not many. Maybe like two cans of cider. And to be honest ... now all I want to do is PMO. So I decided to come on here and make a post in the hope that I would realise its not worth it and just stop those thoughts. I never even realise this could be a trigger for me but to be honest I always did it. I would have a few drinks at home, just chilling, get a bit of a drunk buzz going. It would be fun and then I could finish it all off upstairs in bed.

I am never doing this again.
 

DayByDay

Active Member
grayfoxxx said:
Yep, be careful with drinking...
Good job on resisting

Day 6

Thanks man.

I woke up this morning with a slight headache but that was from the alcohol last night. I was sooo happy with myself for not caving in last night. I think what helped keep me together was the amount of days I have already been PMO free (I know 6 isnt a lot but its a lot more than 0) and a bit of advice I read here. Somebody was saying that for the first maybe hour/two hours after you PMO you feel great, but then after that you realise what you have done and what you have thrown away. Before I went to bed a read one or two success stories. These helped to keep me motivated before I nodded off to sleep.

More from me later today!
 

mybestself

Active Member
Hey DayToDay. Best advice I can give is to turn up every day for your journal, through good times and bad. Also, I find that working towards one or more goals on a daily basis keeps me moving forward in my life which 1. Makes me feel good about myself. 2. Makes it less likely that I fall into an emotional gutter where I'm far more likely to seek out pornography. The key is consistency, one day at a time and eventually you'll get there.

Have a great day mate.
mybestself
 

DayByDay

Active Member
mybestself said:
Hey DayToDay. Best advice I can give is to turn up every day for your journal, through good times and bad. Also, I find that working towards one or more goals on a daily basis keeps me moving forward in my life which 1. Makes me feel good about myself. 2. Makes it less likely that I fall into an emotional gutter where I'm far more likely to seek out pornography. The key is consistency, one day at a time and eventually you'll get there.

Have a great day mate.
mybestself

Haha I literally just came online to post, was thinking about not doing it saying oh it could wait a day ... but whats 10 minutes at the end of the day ?

Yeh I agree with you man. Logging in here everyday and reading other peoples storys is a constant reminder as to why I am doing what I am doing. I still havnt been hit to hard from cravings. Tonight as I was coming in, I thought to myself ... yup Ill go upstairs and fap before bed, but no. I got rid of that thought nearly as soon as it entered my head. I dont need it. I know I just need time to break those routines and stop them from entering my head all together.

I have a few projects on the go at the moment so they will keep me busy with regards to goals and stuff like that. I do find I am a lot more productive (sorry I maybe repeating myself) but I have also stopped smoking weed and hash now for about 4 weeks. I wasnt a heavy smoker ... well I would smoke whenever I have weed but I could go without it, never going into work stoned or anything pretty much just one or two pipes at the evening times. But I am trying to stop that for a while to help this rebooting process.

Just a small note on self confidance. Today I had my second ever client in work (I work in a design agency as part of my intership). The first one I was so nervous going into the consultation despite all the prep work I had done previously. Today the nerves were there ... but nowhere near as bad as before and I would say I was nearly under-prepared for this one so maybe I am slowly but surely building up self confidence. I guess it could have something to do with the longevity of the reboot. I had never expected to make it this far so its a real confidence booster to know I can do it.

And on a final note, I get the feeling that my journal may not be the easiest read. So from tomorrow I am doing to start with a clear and easy layout, where people know exactly what each paragraph is about and what day I am on. Hopefully it will make it easier for people to read my journal. I was thinking something like the following:

Day 7 (Which it will be tomorrow I am so excited! My week milestone! I will have to celebrate ;D)

How I am feeling today (Both emotionally and sexually)

Any interesting interactions I had

Tools I have used or Goals I have achieved



What do you guys thing of the format ? Is there anything I am missing ? Want to keep it short and sweet if possible to make it A easier to write and B easier to read. Anyways its good night from me now ... finally!

Cya all later!

And thank you again mybestself for the comment!
 

DayByDay

Active Member
Day 7 (Morning)

1 Week Milestone:
So today is my 1 week milestone for kicking PMO out of my life. I think I will set my milestones for 7,30 and 90 days as these all seem to be big numbers to me. I think once I hit 90 ... 365 will be my next target  ;D. But lets stay with the here and now and focus on the present :) I can still remember my last MO before starting hard mode. It was before work early morning and I remember feeling disgusted with myself because I had to do it literally in the 30 minutes I have to get ready for work. But a week on I feel so much better. I know this is still the early stages so I am sure the hard times are yet to come, but right now I feel like I can do it.

I can see small gains in my confidence, my productivity and just my overall mood. I think these increases are all related to the fact that I have realised I have a problem and am now dealing with it successfully. The community on here has been such a help and I am so happy that I created my journal after some hesitation. For people who are nervous about sharing their story or perhaps even embarrassed, don't be. We have all been in the same deep dark pit you find yourself in right now, ashamed of things we have done and the person we have become. But you can change it. All you have to do is post here. Post your feelings, post your thoughts, post whatever you want. Not everybody may have the time to read it but some people will, and the people that do and respond are exactly the kind of people you need to get you through your hardship.

So I guess I just want to finish this milestone off by saying thank you. Thank you to everybody who has messaged me, replied to me and thank you to the people whos story's I have read so far. Even though we may not have talked reading your story has helped me realise that there are MANY people out there just like me. Peace and love but no PMO  :p

How I am feeling today (Both emotionally and sexually):
I woke up late for work this morning. Not too late, but late enough that I had to skip my shower. I am little bit annoyed over it because I used to be so so good for getting up on time every time, whereas now, as I slip further into my twentys I find myself unable to resist the temptation of the snooze button. Its annoying because I am going to have to face the discomfort of getting up anyways so why not do it on time as oppose to delaying the inevitable.Anybody got any tips for waking on time ? Anyways the reason why I am talking so much about me waking up is ... well I had some MW ... probably close to 80% if not 85% and I was holding it. I am pretty sure I was massaging it maybe once or twice before I realised what the hell was going on and I stopped. I am pretty happy that I was able to just shut myself down like that. At least I know I can do that much as long as it doesn't go to far.

Any interesting interactions I had:
None out of the ordinary. I have only talking with my dad and two colleagues since leaving the house and its been pretty standard conversation. Small talk the usual craic.

Tools I have used or Goals I have achieved:
I guess the one thing I want to do today is to enroll for an online course. I've been saying I would do it for quite some time and the time period that I can enroll is limited. The only bummer is is that if I enroll I will have to wait another week till I can afford my gym membership. But I know if I don't do it now I will regret it in a few weeks to come as I will feel like once again I am putting my career development on the back burner.
 

yoshi

Member
Hi daybyday ,

I can relate to your story , as the question of homosexuality as come trhough my mind as well .
i can also relate when your j/o every time you could with your cellphone when you had some time , i even did it in a plane for myself , i was so miserable but i think it's when your at the bottom of the pit
that you can fully understand the situation you're in .

I like your new format and your idea of coming to post here when you were a bit fuzzy was a good one , i may add it to my journal.

anyway , i will follow you and cheer you up from time to time.

Keep on going :)
 
M

mtaha2015

Guest
as you said, that this confidence is because I am dealing successfully with my problem. I agree. there might be some psychological effects too. but Masturbation and porn makes you weak physically and mentally, and this is a hardcore fact.
After masturbation just imagine how your joints and bone fell. your joints and bone become weak after masturbation and you fell dull too.
I even fell the blood loss due to ejaculation.
your sperm is made from best blood, and if some one says no its not made from blood. he/she is lying and might be a dumb sex lover.
sex is wonderful thing, but everything should be in balance, too much sex makes you weak and lazy.
sex and porn both are fantasies , and a kind of pain medicine.when you want to get out of the world, you get the injection through sex or porn.

its like a drug injection.that takes out of the world.

so do we have to stay in reality all the time ?
we if you can ! it would be amazing and wonderful.

but most of the humans are weak and they can't sustain without escaping from life.
we all need escapes. so this is like a season , it might come back, but you can increase the time interval between the seasons.

and it's all your mind , you can even turn your mind in just a one season state, like florida , hot all time.
stay in reality all time.
 

DayByDay

Active Member
Day 7 (Evening)

My first mood swing:
So its the first time I have noticed a massive jump in my mood. I literally went from happy as can be to .. "fuck this place, fuck everybody, I hate it all" and to be honest what is worrying me the most is that I don't know the cause of it. I was on my way home from work (I had stopped off at a local liqueur store to pick up a few beers as I was having a night in) and about halfway home I just got this huge feeling of guilt. Guilt for buying my beer. Guilt because I felt like It was a waste of money and I shouldn't be doing it. But its like if I didn't buy the beer, I would've definitely bought a bag of weed, and beer for me doesn't cause as much problems as say smoking weed would. It doesn't kill my productivity. I am just feeling like ... I am 21 ... why do I need to be so worried and so concerned about buying a few beers on a Friday night to chill out and home and play some video games ? Why cant I not just enjoy this ? I have worked hard all week, stayed away from PMO and yet still I feel guilty about rewarding myself ?

Is just this the PMO or is there something else to be worried about ?
 

mybestself

Active Member
Hey DayByDay,

First of all, I'm liking the new structure of your journal!

Second, totally relate to feeling guilty about rewarding yourself. Very recently I received a promotion at work which came with a bonus and pay rise. Prior to this promotion I contemplated buying myself a nice pair of headphones - The total cost being about 5% of my bonus so we're not talking massive amounts. The weird thing is, ever since receiving my promotion I've so far been unable to buy the damn things as I keep feeling guilty!

I'm unsure in my mind whether it's because I recognise that I don't *Need* these headphones (which isn't a bad thing) or whether it's because I somehow feel "un-deserving" of them. Hmmm. I'm tempted to buy them this weekend simply to show myself that I do see myself as deserving :)

Question to you - What is your inner dialogue for NOT buying a few beers? I don't think you have anything to worry about, but writing it down might help you to understand what's really going on under the surface...

mybestself
 
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