DGF Journal

Today was yet another relapse day, day 4 of my 6th attempt to reboot this year. I've been trying to stop PMO on and off for probably 2 years, though in the beginning my intention was just to use P less because I use it to procrastinate among other things. After experiencing some small benefits from using P less, I decided to dig deeper, read YBOP and went down a rabbit hole that's eventually led me to here today.

I'm 32, been using P for 15 years and I accept that it is a problem. This is the first time I have reached out to a community regarding my PMO problems, but all the habit change literature stresses the importance of being a part of a community. 

I plan to write an entry every 5 days. I seem to relapse on intervals of 5. My longest streak so far in 2019 was 19 days. Hopefully the journal will keep me motivated and help me work through the problem. Each entry will probably just be my experiences with each topic others have covered better than I likely will.

One thing that has amazed me during reading through the forum and YBOP is just how similar others experiences have been to mine. I'm constantly thinking, "yes, me too!", so although my story won't bring anything new to the community maybe someone will find comfort knowing they are not alone, get some motivation or find my perspective interesting. Maybe I'll just be yet another example for the people who are pushing the PMO problem into popular discourse. That's ok too.

A community made me feel like I wasn't alone. Because when some people have a problem, they tend to think they are all alone in this. Also, I could find advice that I wouldn't know by myself. And support from people. It's definitely the best thing to be here.

Welcome, DGF_AU086

Day 4-5 is usually very dangerous in my experience. Try to be productive, happy, and feel free to write here more often.

KittyHawk said:

Welcome, DGF_AU086

Day 4-5 is usually very dangerous in my experience. Try to be productive, happy, and feel free to write here more often.

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They are the days when I relapse (a.k.a binge)

DGF_AU086 said:

Today was yet another relapse day, day 4 of my 6th attempt to reboot this year. I've been trying to stop PMO on and off for probably 2 years, though in the beginning my intention was just to use P less because I use it to procrastinate among other things. After experiencing some small benefits from using P less, I decided to dig deeper, read YBOP and went down a rabbit hole that's eventually led me to here today.

Click to expand...

Glad I'm not the only one who has struggled some from trying to reboot. the ~1 week marker seems to be a really rough time, for me. Let's hope we can do better now!

The good old G.I. Joe always said, "Knowing is half the battle!"  Soooo, now that we have tools to assist us, we can only succeed!

10 days PMO free. I am pretty happy with this. For sure it's not a huge number, and I have been here before, but it feels good none the less.

How did I realise I have a problem?

This wasn't a single moment of realisation for me. It was actually a side affect of another problem. I have had many uses for PMO, but one of these was procrastinating. It was perfect, I could put off doing something I didn't like for something that felt good (at the time). Not only that but I could do it for extended periods of time, no problems, I wouldn't get bored and if I did, I could find something I hadn't seen before to capture my attention. But that's another topic.

So I want to stop procrastinating, easy, I'll PMO less. Notice in the beginning my goal was not to eradicate PMO, just to do it less. I went from every day, to once a week, perfect. Two weeks later I'm doing it once a day again. How did that happen. Try again, same thing. Again and again this happens. At first I thought "wow, this procrastinating thing has a hold of me".

But PMO wasn't the only thing I did to procrastinate, I had some other changes I wanted to make too. They stuck. I was starting to think this may not be a procrastination issue after all. So I started to look into the effects of P. I found Nofap on reddit, saw some stuff on youtube. I had a hard time relating to the reddit guys, possibly an age related thing. So I concluded, thankfully, I was different to all those guys. I could handle just doing PMO less, I didn't need to give up all together.

Over and over, less would become more again after a couple of weeks. I bought YBOP. Read that one pretty damn fast. I could relate to so much in that book. All of a sudden I could relate and it showed me two things
a) I have a problem
b) I'm pretty good at denying it

I read YBOP for the first time probably 9 months ago now. I decided to be the kind of guy that does not PMO. It's been a battle for sure, an up and down one. I've had some small wins though. All in all, even though I fail often after a week or two, sometimes longer, I have managed to PMO less. But my goal is now to not PMO at all so the fight goes on.

My experience is similar. I tend to do more PMO when I am stressed and/or have to much free time but I was feeding my habit even during better times, laying foundation for exhausting binge sessions in the future.

Reading YBOP helped me understand the biology/chemisty behind my addiction and make the final decision that I have to stop PMO for good.

Keep up the good work, friend.

15 days PMO free.

What is the goal?

The ultimate goal is to be the kind of guy who does not PMO. Once at a party my partner was telling a friend that "DGF doesn't watch P". She was really quite proud to say that. Unfortunately, I had to correct her. I didn't tell the whole truth, I said "I have watched P, of course I have, every guy has". It was a deceiving statement, for sure not a lie by definition, but deceiving because of the information not in that statement. It would have been a very different turn in the conversation if I had said "No dear, I watch P, lots of P, in fact I watch so much it's a problem habit that negatively affects my whole life".

That was a few months back now, but since then I have made it a mission to be the kind of guy that doesn't PMO so my partner can truly be proud and not naively proud. There of course is the concerning issue that my partner does not know of my issues with PMO. A topic for another day.

The intermediate goal is to do a 90 day reboot. This is based off the recommendations of this community. I use a printed counter to keep track. Its a LOTR themed counter, which I like because I love anything LOTR. I find the theme, combined with the reward of ticking off each day motivating. It also has some information on what to expect during certain parts of the 90 days which has been pretty accurate from my experience.

I've decided to reward myself at 30 days, 60 days and 90 days. The so-called super powers of Nofap are in themselves rewarding, but these extra rewards give me that extra little boost of motivation.

Also, every 5 days I'm trying to write something here and I find this rewarding. To be perfectly honest it is a little stroke of the ego to be able to post saying I have made it another 5 days.

So, the goal is to be the kind of guy who does not PMO, starting with the goal of a 90 day reboot, itself broken into smaller goals of 30 day intervals.

It is certainly a worthy goal, be the guy that doesn not do PMO. It is moving from unhealthy substitute to the real thing. I believe that eventually it will be a generally known health recommendation (like not smoking cigarettes nowadays) and we are just getting a huge head start that we will immensely benefit from.

20 days PMO free.

The experience so far?

Headaches are gone. I have never been one for having headaches, but about a week and a half ago I started to get daily headaches. They would usually come on after lunch and just pester for the rest of the day. They were not fierce but definitely uncomfortable. They seem to have gone now.

Energy levels are rising, and I am getting more done as a result.

I am having a lot of dreams lately. Not all, but many are sexual. The content is getting milder though. Like many, over the years my PMO habits created fetishes that are completely out of character. After the session I would hang my head in shame to think of what I was using to get pleasure. Many times this would create a spiral because my emotional state has always been a trigger for me. I would PMO for whatever reason, then feel horrible about it and PMO again to feel better. It's really quite crazy when you think about it. Medicating yourself with the very poison you need the medication for.

But the fetishes seem to be breaking down. It's almost like my brain is trying to convince me to not give up PMO completely, just don't go so far. Like the alcoholic who tries to convince themselves one beer will be fine. I take it as a positive sign I'm moving in the right direction, a rewinding if you will.

I'm not sure if anyone else has had this experience, but the flow of my urine seems to be stronger. Urinating was one of the flags for me that I may have some health problems from PMO. When I went to the toilet, I felt like an old man struggling to tinkle. Not only is this change another positive sign, but things like this are reinforcing in my mind that there are serious health issues that are associated with long term PMO abuse and that I am making the right decision to abstain.

There is something that is important to clarify in terms of these early changes. I don't believe these are the direct result of 20 days straight without PMO. I have been trying to kick the habit for a little while now, and I think these are the results of a bunch of smaller wins. A week here, 2 weeks there without PMO have had their contribution. Not every failure is a complete failure. I have PMO'd 5 times since the New Year. That's only 5 times in over 60 days. Sure my streak could be 60+, but there has been times in my life where PMO 5 times would be a day's worth, and a day that I wouldn't particularly think was absurd. I think we need to be aware not to confuse the absence of perfection with the absence of progress. Anything worthwhile doing is worthwhile doing poorly. A 20k run may be too much today, but don't let that keep you on the couch, go for a walk.

25 days PMO free.

These past 5 days have been the most testing so far. When I am alone and bored, and at my most vulnerable to triggers, I find myself thinking that I should just quickly take a peek. Nothing crazy, just a nude maybe, just one and no MO, what can be the harm. I have been able to see this for what it really is. I have been there before and it always escalates, maybe not the first time, but it makes it easier to do a second time and a third and then the momentum heads in only one direction. So far I have made it through the temptations and done something to take my mind off it.

There have been a few nights of poor sleep. Waking at 2am or 3am and lying for hours trying to fall asleep. I have read some people struggle with insomnia at some point during their reboot, though I am not sure this is what I am experiencing. The poor sleep does make things harder. PMO has been something I did when I was tired. The PMO process would wake me up, I could focus on something and begin to feel better. I haven't come up with a solution to this just yet, other than pure willpower. Weekends are not so bad as I can take a nap. Napping serves 2 purposes for me, it helps me catch up on sleep, but also, I can't PMO while sleeping. I need to find something to help me during the work week though. I try to avoid stimulants as much as possible as I believe they just create a tiredness debt. They make me feel better today at the expense of being even more tired tomorrow.

30 days is coming up. I'm not sure if this is the longest I have been without PMO for the last 10 years, but it must be close. For sure it is the longest I have kept an accurate record of achieving. I had planned on giving myself a reward at 30 days, but I'm not sure what it will be. Regardless I am looking forward to the milestone. On the counter I have been using, day 30 is the beginning of "Phase 2" of the reboot and it is now within reach.

30 days PMO free.

The first mini goal achieved. I have had a couple of P dreams over these 30 days, but they seem to be less frequent. It's a strange thing really to dream about. In the most memorable dream a couple of nights ago, I am M in front of a laptop and it seems like a great experience, then my perspective changes and I see myself from a third person view. What a sad sight it makes, hunched over in a dark room in front of a laptop. I have actually lost a lot of motivation to do general life things since that particular dream, it really did make me sad and its quite depressing to think just how much of my life has been spent in that manner. That made it a tough 5 days. That said, today has been a good day and my energy and zest for life seems to be coming back.

My partner and I have still been sexually active and I noticed for the first time something strange after one nights activities. The morning after I woke up with morning wood, something that is happening more often these days, and had a strong desire to PMO. The dreaded chaser affect I hear about. It was the most intense urge yet. I got up and got the day started though and it went away.

I also had one strong urge after someone at work stressed me out. This arrogant self righteous person does my head in on a regular basis and in the past I have PMO'd after similar instances to make myself feel better. I was able to notice the feelings and acknowledge them as a trigger. I also acknowledged that while PMO would make me feel better in the short term, the long term affects would rob me off more pleasure than I could have possibly gained. I would have felt horrible and while not undone my progress, I would have stalled it and felt horrible to boot. PMO steals your long term happiness to give you short term pleasure. It's not a good deal.

Other than that, there has been some small urges, though mostly at times of boredom. Nothing to do, why not look up naked women... but again I've been able to notice, acknowledge that boredom is a trigger and found something to do. 

Day 90

Today is the final days of the 90 day goal, and ironically it's started off the hardest. I woke up with strong urges to watch porn. Coming off a weekend I wasn't sure what day I was up to on my counter, but knew I was  close to 90 days completed. Truth be told, I made a deal with myself that got me out of bed. The deal was, if today was past 90 days I could PMO. There's no harm right? Once every 3 months wouldn't kill me. I just want to see what new content is available, what have I been missing out on?

Thankfully I still have this forum. I haven't posted in a long time, but I do occasionally come to browse. My ultimate goal is to be the kind of guy that doesn't watch porn, starting with progress goals of 30, 60 and 90 days. I almost stumbled at the final hurdle of the first step, the urge was very strong and it's probably only that I have this place to open my browser to instead that has got me through.

The world would not have ended if I PMO'd this morning. I have still made a lot of progress and I don't think that would have undone it, but it would have likely started a spiral of self loathing that would have impacted many areas of my life. I feel like I've made the right decision today which makes me proud because so many times before I have made the wrong one.

When I first started this journey, 90 days seemed so far away. I also thought it was the magic number. Get to 90 and I'll be cured, the urges will be gone completely, PMO will only be a habit others will struggle with. Today has shattered that illusion. I still have work to do.

Good job not doing it today, even if it was 90 days. Porn is never going to be something good to do. That will never change. You oughta put the idea of watching porn as a reward out of your head. But you've done a great job going 90 days! Better than I've done for sure.

You mentioned pee stream being better on NoFap. I concur. I have also noticed this strangely. I think it's that the pelvic muscles are stronger and tighter.