My #ihateporn Journal

ajcoals

Active Member
Hey fellas,

I'm a grateful for your stories here, and hope that I can grow from your experiences.

**Disclaimer: I'm looking for a Forum accountability partner...if anyone is interested, I'd love some online encouragement from someone whose had more success than myself**

Here's the skinny on my story:

- Sexually Abused at 5, 6 and 11 from male family members
- Found masturbation at 11
- Found porn at 14, hardcore by 17. 
- Started becoming obsessed and sexting by 18-19
- Full-blown problem by 20
- Married at 21, entered intensive counseling for a few months that had incredible impact.
- My 20's have been on/off again with PMO.  I've committed numerous times to giving it the boot, without a full-blown success. I believe I'm moving in that direction, but am ready to really kill this thing.

Currently, I've given up my smart phone, have numerous software filters, and logistical things in our home that help me not give in to porn.  However, over the summer I've found a couple of times/opportunities to give in, which feel like a big setback.

Currently, I'm viewing porn and/or masturbating about once every 4-6 weeks, which I believe is keeping me from having more long-term success.  Those of you who have had 90-180 days of success...I'm encouraged and challenged! Keep it up1

Have great sex life with my wife, and I want to keep it that way.  We'v been through a lot together due to my story and struggles, and now I'm ready to give PMO the boot for good, so i can live in this freedom and begin to help other guys as well.

It's been 2 days since I've PMO'd...this is my journal.

ANY encouragement or advice I'd LOVE to hear.  Looking forward to this online community.
 

CrazyGopher

Active Member
Hey cknfella, welcome to RebootNation!

My timeline for porn/masturbation is pretty similar to yours. My memory's a bit foggy, but I remember being into it almost every day by middle school?

The filters/logistical stuff really helps. There are numerous times during the last 123 days when I would have given in and watched P if not for my filters. It's especially risky when I'm tired (not enough sleep) or stressed because something has gone wrong.

I think it works because my brain wants to watch P if it's easy. But when there's effort involved, it becomes much easier to say "nah, forget it," and get back to work. So we're making the technology work for us, instead of against us! Great. ;D

Anyway, glad you're here, and wishing you great success and happiness on your journey!

Best wishes,
-CG
 

ajcoals

Active Member
Hey CrazyGopher,

Thanks for the encouragement man!  Yeah, the tech barriers have been huge, I don't think I'd have made it this far with out them.  I know I haven't.

My struggle is when my wife may leave the house alone and accidentally leave the iPad behind.  Or if I have my iPhone with me for some reason (currently, it stays at home almost always, I'm using a dumb phone), i have a huge temptation to look at P when I'm out and about.  So frustrating.  I think one of the best things for me will be a reboot.
Grateful to have you chime in with some experience.

And dude, I would LOVE an accountability partner. Hook me up!
 

DarthVader

Member
Hey ajcoals,

You seem wholeheartedly committed to kicking this addiction for good. You'll go far my friend. Any way I can help, just give me a buzz.

You look like you've developed a routine of 4-6 weeks of no porn or masturbating. I suppose the motivation could be to think how mind-blowing the sex with your wife could potentially be without porn or masturbation. I know you said that you have a great sex life. I guess what I'm trying to say is that with all of your sexual energy stored up until you make love with your wife, the sensations could be, how can I say, transcendental?
 

ajcoals

Active Member
Struggling today. Feeling down and tired, but going to stay busy and active. Really want to look at something but won't do it.
 

ajcoals

Active Member
Hey guys,

So really excited I'm coming up on ONE WEEK no PMO!  Can't wait to reach my goal of 180 days.  Having some difficulty with thoughts.  What tools/ideas do you all have for battling fantasizing thoughts?
 

MrDude

Member
Hey cknfella,

btw thanks for your support on my journal. To answer your last post, I use a trick that I have read somewhere on this forum. I start to remember one of my most peaceful memories (for example, a sunset while been on the border of the river or me sipping a beer in the middle of a freshly cut field) and I say to my self aloud or in my head "Peaceeeeee" few times with deep breaths. I know this sound a little bit childish and pointless, but it's a form of meditation and I found it effective to temporally relief. The worst thing to do in that situation is to tell yourself to stop thinking about it. I mean, you will increase your stress level and the thoughts will become stronger.

Don't think about a sheep! ...  I think you just did ;) So instead of convincing yourself not to think about your fantasies, try to think about something else.   

Stay strong my friend, your doing well!
 

ajcoals

Active Member
Really battling depression over the past two days.  I feel a bit isolated in this, crazy thing is, I'm not. I know I have friends I can call and my wife is super supportive, I just tend to isolate myself, which is terrible.

I fear I'm always going to struggle with porn and fantasies but I know Christ is victorious, and I have freedom in Him.

MrDude - good advice. I'm trying to work on meditating, but am not a 'patient' or calm person, it seems to be an exercise on so many fronts to do this.

Hope you're doing well fellas!
 

MrDude

Member
Hey,

How are you doing?

I know how you feel while doing this battle. It seems that our wrong thoughts won't go away. But I know now that it's not true. I have changed a lot since I've started to fight my addiction. I still struggle sometimes (the reason why I'm on this forum) but it has nothing to do with how impossible it seemed to be at the beginning. Our brain change slowly. One example of that is that I don't see my progress in maturity on a daily or weekly scale. But if I look in the past, like 2 year ago, dam I was stupid. So there is progress.

On another note, try to find your stress sources in your daily life in order to reduce/eliminate them. I don't know for you, but my struggle  level is very proportional to my overall stress. You're probably tired of reading this but sport does help a lot. A good  friend of mine who knew about my problems proposed that we should get ourselves a subscription to the gym (a good way to commit). So we were training 4 times a week (I have never trained before). That really helped me a lot.

I hope that things are going well with your wife. I feel a little bit young to give you advice, but I just want to help.

Have a good day/night/morning! 
 

ajcoals

Active Member
Hey man,

Thanks for checking in.  I'm doing well, overall. Still struggling with the emotional effects of not having that stimulant in my life.  I'm thankful, but at the same time horny, frustrated and depressed, so idk, weird combination of emotions.

Good idea on the workouts. I've been running more, and working out at home and it's definitely relieved some stress. 

I feel like I could be hitting a flatline to a degree.  I'm also struggling with not edging.  Do you struggle here? How do you define edging?
 

ajcoals

Active Member
Fellas,

Came really close to falling into P&M today.  My biggest challenge is edging.  I've edged twice so far in 21 days, and i know my edge cycle is every 10 days or so, so I'm really trying to break that.

Didn't M and no P, but again close.  Any advice?
 

ajcoals

Active Member
Guys,

Struggling tonight.
I was reading YBOP, and googled the book. I clicked on images, subversively hoping to see something. Scrolled down, saw something and immediately closed the tab.  This sparked a huge sensitization scenario for me, with urges rushing off the charts.

I was tempted to reset my counter JUST to go back and have a full-blown binge.  I'm rejecting this. Just watched Gabe's video of withdrawal symptoms and he challenges us to be comfortable with being uncomfortable.

I'm really uncomfortable right now, but am pressing through!
 

ajcoals

Active Member
Guys,

Really REALLY struggling today and wanted to post. Lots of issues I had to deal with at work today.  Could use some encouragement.  Need to be reminded we're fighting together. Feel a little alone.
 

MrDude

Member
Hey. What's going on at your job if you don't mind? I hope you're ok. I'm sure your wife is proud of your efforts. It's partly for her that you're doing that. Are things going well with her lately?

Suffering is part of the recovery. We can't ignore it and just be happy. But it's by acknowledging this suffering that it will fade. Betters days are coming.

More concretely, it could be a good thing to focus also on other part of your life that aren't going well. Your addiction has come from other problems and has caused other problems. Leading to that vicious circle where everything is going bad. Now that you work on the P addiction, things are going better but aren't ideal yet and that's normal. But don't you feel that's it's breathing more easily now? Dealing with the other causes of suffering should be easier.

Don't stop your efforts man. We're both not done yet. It's going to be alright.
 

ajcoals

Active Member
Mr Dude,

Really means a lot you replied!  Work is going well, just takes a lot of my energy/focus.  It's a good thing overall, but can be stressful at times. 

Today, I have been struggling since I woke up.  Honestly, I'm about 4-5 weeks into my Reboot, and it doesn't seem like the withdrawals are getting better, and I'm getting discouraged.  I do think it's partly because I'm constantly thinking about porn. Not necessarily in a lustful way all the time, but just always realizing it's there, and the fact that I'm trying to beat it, by God's grace.  But nonetheless, it's always on my mind, which is constantly stressing me out. I need to focus more on viewing porn in my past, not my present, and building the life I want. I need to focus more on rerouting the emotions that typically lead me to porn, rather than just being discouraged that I want to look at it regularly. 

I really appreciate the encouragement.  I need help in not dwelling on the reality that I'm a struggling porn addict, trying to beat porn, trying to not watch porn, all the while still wanting to watch porn.  See what I mean?  I may not be looking at it, but it's reality still seems to have a hold. 

I need to let it go, and focus on the blessings in my life
 

MrDude

Member
Hey.

It's normal that you have flash backs of P. It will fade over time. I just want to mention that your stress increase your need for instant pleasure and by stressing out thinking of P, you're actually increasing your appeal to it. It a vicious cycle.

What I suggest is a slight modification in your way of talking to yourself. Instead of : "I shouldn't think about P". Take few deep breath and tell yourself to think about something else. Something better. It is less stressful that way.

I know that this is border line meditation stuff and that it's not your thing I think you have told me, but that's definitely helping me handling the daily stress. There are weird forms of meditation for which the practice is awkward. But their is also some very basic and discreet techniques that does a lot in my case. "The art of communicating" by Thich Nhat Hanh, is a very good book explaining how to meditate to improve your communication with yourself and then with others. I'm currently reading it and that's helping me. Very simple and effective.

You can tell me if you don't want to talk about it, but how are things with your wife ? 

I know that things aren't so easy for you these days, just to let you know that I here for you.

Wish you best luck!
 

ajcoals

Active Member
Guys,

I am ON FIRE today. I had an orgasm with my wife about 2 days ago, but right now I want to masturbate so bad I can't stand it. So I'm hopping in on a cold shower and posting on here.

I started to edge today, which really scares me.

NOT GIVING UP!!!
 

ajcoals

Active Member
Guys,

Unfortunately, I relapsed this weekend.
I'm so incredibly frustrated, but also grateful for the victory I experienced up to this point.

My biggest challenge over the past year has been my iPhone. I went to a number of locations and was able to jump on wifi and view porn, and I just didn't fight it.
I gave in and I failed.
I hate that, but I'm grateful for this community to continue to fight with.

I remember reading on here: "Every relapse is an opportunity to learn something about yourself and your addiction", so I'm trying to leverage this as an opportunity to learn and grow, and KEEP FIGHTING!

Here's what I'm committing to:
- Journaling on here every day.  I really want to rely more on our community here more.
- Working out regularly.  4-5x a week
- I have my iPhone to my wife, she's hiding it indefinitely
- 30 days, hard mode  - no orgasm, then 60 days soft-mode while re-wiring with my wife

Hold me accountable to this guys! I appreciate the support!
 
Top