rise and shine

ddmmyyyy

Member
Hi all,

first off, thanks to everyone who contributes to this forum. I've been coming back to the site for the last 2 years and the profound information about porn addiction and it's effects as well as the journals have been a tremendous help!

I'm a 35 year old single man and I've been struggling with porn for over 20 years.
I was a happy fine looking kid with a great childhood for the first decade of my life. But when puberty hit and the hormones did their work, transforming my body from child to man, my appearance as well as my mood changed a lot - and not exactly to the better. Afflicted with heavy acne and my facial features being a mess for quite a while I was all but a confident teenager. Add to that my complete lack of style, my inability to interact with girls and my desire to still be friends with the cool guys and you can imagine how I had to deal with some nasty bullying during that time. Now I know, that this was the perfect mix to start my porn-career.

After two or three years of having a hard time, things changed back to normal. My face kind of grew together again and my social life improved. But I was still very insecure about myself. And already conditioned to use porn and masturbation to cope with feelings of sadness, anger and frustration. With my first computer at the age of fifteen and the arrival of the internet, things got worse of course. I was also a pathological collector. At times I had amassed about 2 terabytes of porn. Neatly indexed and stored - usually to be never watched again. I would search for new exciting stuff next time anyway. For the next 10-15 years I had absolutely no clue how bad this affected me. I remember being proud of myself one time, not being prone to any kind of addiction at all. I had no trouble to quit smoking, after being a casual smoker for some years. While moderately experimenting with different drugs, I never felt any danger of loosing control. In retrospect, I have no clue how I could not see at the time, that (considering porn) I was the worst addict of all!

So I spent most of my 20s struggling with the basic challenges of life. A lot of times, all of my energy went into maintaining the facade of being a content grownup while I was heavily depressed. I would not rate my 20s as completely lost though. I've always had a set of close friends and, despite my struggles, I was part of great work projects in the creative field, sometimes in leading positions. So I had good times as well. But they were usually followed by long periods of depression and moments of near panicking. Having my only real relationship - for about 3 years - also helped to keep me going. Especially during the first year it brightened my mood. But in the long run, it made holding up the facade even more difficult and, still not realizing that PMO is the main culprit, I tried to hide my problems from her just hoping she would not leave me and that I would miraculously get better and happier one day. By the time she broke up with me, I was a completely empty shell of a person. My character had eroded and I had no drive to achieve anything in life, no real interests and no goals. I would say, that this was my emotional low point, with my financial low point following about a year later. Still heavily depending on financial support of my parents (being well over 30 allready!!) my bank account was dried up and I had to borrow some money from a good friend.

At that time I deleted all my porn, and promised myself, to finally grow up and get my life under control. Of course I failed at first, not being equipped with the right tools for such a challenge. But eventually I stumbled upon "Your Brain on Porn" and other PMO addiction sites. I remember the first time I realized that I am an addict and that I would have to live a life completely without porn in order to avoid these downward spirals into PMO and depression. I was horrified. I just could not imagine it. But once the truth started to sink in, I felt like on a road with no turning back. It's a steep, bumpy and curvy road with a lot of reflective work and mental setbacks. In the 2 years that have passed now, I actually never made it beyond being PMO free for more than 20 days. But usually not PMOing for 4-8 days in a row, with regualar relapses in between already made a huge difference compared to the almost daily sessions of PMOing before. Often for 4 hours or more in a row. One of the most difficult things for me was, to not only abandon porn, but also my habit of frequent fantasizing about sex and porn related scenarios, which always paved the way for relapse.

Right now, I am feeling a lot more confident about myself in general. My ability to cope with stress and pressure has improved. And, despite being more of an introvert and a bit shy, I feel confident with women most of the time. Still, I am far from where I want to be. One of the problems my long time porn abuse has caused is my inability to really connect and fall in love with women. Apart from my one and only long term relationship, I only had one night stands and more or less meaningless affairs. I always thought porn doesn't interfere with my sexuality, because I never tried to introduce porn fantasies into my real sex life. But thinking about women, I have this complete separation in my mind about girls I want to have sex with and the type of girls I would want to have a relationship with.

Anyways, this post is already far too long and the sun has just came out after a long period of meteorological dullness. So it's definitely time to abandon the computer screen and get outside...

I am on day 15 of my current reboot attempt right now. Optimistic about making the next step. I will start my actual day-to-day journal this evening.

Good luck everyone!
 

ddmmyyyy

Member
DAY 01 - DAY 14

The first 8 days have been quite easy. No real urges and no noticeable withdrawal symptoms. That's no surprise, since I was already used to go 4-8 days without PMO. Felt more uneasy from day 9 on, with some flashes of temptation to check my favorite porn sites. I'm still not sure how to deal with masturbation. My main goal is to avoid P and PMO at any cost. During previous attempts I often relapsed, because I was unable to maintain the complete elimination of sexual release. So when I succumbed to masturbation I felt like I fucked up already and usually lost my control over not watching Porn as well.

Had a problem with blue balls on day 11. Had a date with a nice girl before. We also kissed and I got quite aroused. When I walked home, I had a hard time walking straight, cause I felt such intense pain in my balls. So I masturbated - quick and without porn fantasy - for relief. Afterwards I read in some thread, that ice cold water might help. I'll try that next time... (If anyone has more experience or insight on how to handle or avoid such intense ball pain, please let me know!)

On day 14 I got as close to relapsing as I possibly can. I decided to uninstall the porn-blocker on my computer. I had installed it about half a year ago - with a random password I threw away afterwords. Problem was, it blocked way to many other (non porn related) sites as well, because it's settings were to strict. After I had to figure out how to get a new temporary password (matter of less than a minute) it was useless anyways and didn't keep me from relapsing anymore. So when I had it removed, my brain caught me off guard and tricked my to check the removal by loading one of my old favorite porn sites... very smart move, I know...
Had I gone any further, to watch a clip or something, I would have reset my counter by now. But since I just observed the images on the site for 10 seconds or something, I will let that go as an almost slip. I might be involuntary exposed to pornographic images anyway sooner or late. Guess you can't avoid that using the internet with all its pop-ups and pitfalls.

All in all I am satisfied with the first to weeks. Not easy, but not too hard as well. I was not really successful considering other aspects of my life - like reducing computer time in general (big problem!), getting up early, meditating daily and socializing more. But I also learned from my failed attempts, that I shouldn't be to hard on myself. Trying to improve all aspects of life at once will ultimately lead to failure. One step at a time!
 

ddmmyyyy

Member
DAY 15

The previous two days were a bit hard. Felt low on energy and a bit depressed. Today was much better again. Actually I dreamed that I had relapsed, watching strange porn that I didn't even like getting myself off several times. I will spare you the details...
I was REALLY relieved when I woke up and realized it was just a dream. Got up early then, started the day with a 10 min meditation. Went for a 10K run in the afternoon and cooked myself some healthy food. And finally started my journal on Reboot Nation  :)

Failed on doing any social activity (other then running through a park filled with people). But I'll change that tomorrow...
Began to read a new book yesterday. Going to be my evening activity today as well.

So far so good. Lets go for another day!

 

ddmmyyyy

Member
DAY 16

Got up early. Did my meditation. Easy day at work. Not much to report...
Felt positive and in control though, all the time. Watched football with some friends in the evening and had a few beers.
 

ddmmyyyy

Member
DAY 17

Busy day. Good day. Kept up my morning routine - getting up early, followed by 10 min meditation.
Actually had 2 setbacks during the day, with stuff that needs to be taken care of, but is mostly out of my control. Still this did not interfere with my positive mood.
When I walked around the city running errands I noticed three beautiful girls passing by and obviously checking me out. I think its just the little things things that come naturally. Walking upright, with more energy and a positive look on your face. As there is the downward spiral of porn and masturbation, there definitely is the upward spiral as well. No PMO, more confidence and energy, positive feedback for even more confidence and so on.

But I won't get ahead of myself. Been there before. Feeling too good and in control of everything and letting my guard down. The moments of temptation lurk behind the next corner. I'll stay focused. One day after the other.

Good night and good luck.
 

ddmmyyyy

Member
DAY 18

Today was tough. Some stressful decisions to make and preparations for a new project. Energy was low from morning on and my mood and motivation got constantly worse. Had to fight strong urges to fantasize and watch porn during a long inefficient afternoon. Read a lot on RN and YBOP to refract myself.

Can't stress the importance of daily journaling too much. When I reflected yesterday about my great mood and energy I already prepared myself, to stay alert. Otherwise I might have slipped today. In the end the mood swings and my brain screaming for a dopamine fix are good signs. Something's about to change...
I will be quite busy and mostly around people for the next 3 days. This should help!
 

ddmmyyyy

Member
DAY 19 - DAY 21

Wow. Those last three days were super intense. Work, work, work. Extremely exhausting, but for a great project and as far as I can tell by now, it paid off. No time at all for any cravings or temptations. But I failed to maintain my morning routine to meditate 10min because I didn't get too much sleep. Hopefully I'll pick it up tomorrow again.

Time to relax today. The accomplishment feels good, but I need to stay alert. Coming down after a project was usually a time for almost inevitable relapse. The next two days might get challenging considering cravings. But I feel determined to continue my streak.
 

ddmmyyyy

Member
DAY 22

Had the afternoon off and went for a long walk in the park with a friend, enjoying spring. Then to the cinema with another close friend. Felt good to spend most of my free time NOT in front of the computer screen. Now I gotta get some more sleep... still have quite a deficit from last week.

This is actually new ground for me. Never made it beyond 3 weeks. Lets go for another day!
 

JasonGuitar

Active Member
Nice journal, keep the updates coming. It sounds like you are a pretty busy guy, which definitely helps. I'm a little over a month in and am just now experiencing some urges to go back to old ways and I am fighting them off. I hope it is temporary.

Like you, this is the farthest I've ever gone. I usually relapsed within 2 weeks before. I have sworn off porn for good this time.
 

ddmmyyyy

Member
Thanks Jason! True, right now I am pretty busy. But this will change again sooner or later. My work is project based, so I will have times again with little work and lot's of free time on my hands. In the past I usually ended up in the PMO downward spiral. I hope this changes now through this reboot.

DAY 23 - DAY 24

Had some more hours to relax yesterday. Went out in the evening and had quite a few drinks. So I ended up going to bed at 4:30 in the morning. Spent today in bed until 2pm with a bad hangover. Had some urges after getting up (being exhausted, bored and a bit of depressed). But I recovered pretty quickly and spent the evening with a friend.
I know, that I have emotional hangovers from (too much) alcohol and I cut back on it a lot in the past 5 years. But I still like an occasional party night out once in a while. I'm happy I was able to recover so quickly form my hangover listlessness. With PMO it often took me two full days or more to find my motivation again. 
 

ddmmyyyy

Member
DAY 25 - Day 26

Had some more free time, with 2 half days of work. The urges got a bit stronger especially today. It's quite hard with spring arriving... and I just couldn't help looking after every second girl when outside. And that triggered porn fantasy scenarios which I had to fight of. But ok... I fed my mind with porn for 20 years. No surprise I can't get rid of it in three and a half weeks. I actually MOed in the afternoon, so this feels a bit like a setback. But as I said before, avoiding porn is my main goal. It was the second time I MOed now in 26 days. If I can keep it like that, to just use it as a tool when my body tells me I need to, I'm fine with it. Though I strictly need to stick to this strategy without lying to myself.

Staying focused. Day by day.
 

JedClampett

Active Member
Maybe this post might help someone:

Thank you for explaining all that.  You are right in saying PMO is not an option.
We do not have to be taught how to have sex!  I think that it is a natural thing to do.

I am on Day 8 now and what I appreciate most about it is my productivity rate has gone
way up.  The trick is to appreciate the productivity rate and keep increasing it.

Before about 2010 I put so much into my days it amazes me now to think about it.
I did do some IP before that but it took some time before that nasty thing took a lot
of time out of my life.

It's been very easy to give up PMO to this point.  Hopefully I will continue to realize what
I gain by avoiding it.

1.  Maximum sexual health
2.  Maximum physical health
3.  High productivity rate
4.  Clearer thinking
5.  Less guilt
6.  More hours to learn important things
7.  The increased ability to think and do things for others
8.  The ability to do the little things that make people happy
9.  Better computer health and knowledge that it was not P that caused the problem!
10.  Better moods
11. The opportunity to be a model for avoiding PMO.  This is what Reboot Nation is all about!!!
 

ddmmyyyy

Member
DAY 27 - 32

Okay... haven't been here for some time. Will be trying to make more regular updates again! I have had a few really hard days, when I felt really depressed and couldn't find any motivation. At some point I felt like I would hit the ominous flatline. But than again, my dick was not completely dead and I had to fight constant urges to fantasize about women/sex. The good thing, I stayed far away from porn.
I head an intense moment 2 days ago while watching the news - something about abandoned syrian children of women who were raped by IS guys - that got me so emotional, I couldn't help but cry. I felt an intense sadness. But at the same time I felt kind of happy/relieved, to be able to feel emotions like this again...
Can't remember a single occasion when I was crying in the last 10 years while my high porn use, apart from the one time my girlfriend left.

Whatever my current mood is right now - happy, relaxed, sad, anxious, depressed - everything seems clearer to me. When I feel down or depressed, I realize it as it is and kind of accept it, while still trying and reflecting where it came from and how I might improve my emotional state. During constant porn use, everything was like a clouded monotone blur.

So, I finally made it past the 1 month mark for the 1st time ever! This is a great achievement. I failed to maintain my daily morning meditation allthough, especially on days when I don't feel well. For the next month this will be my main goal, apart from staying pornfree.

Onwards for another month! Day by day...
 

ddmmyyyy

Member
DAY 33

Was a good day. Took care of some minor tasks and some planning for the next days. Had some chill-time in the park in the afternoon with a good book. Mostly a relaxed day. No urges. Positive feelings. Picked up meditation again... finally. Hope I can sustain it longer this time. Gonna read two more chapters of my book and will go to bed early. Looking forward to a nice Saturday with some activities with good friends.

One step after the other.
 

ddmmyyyy

Member
Hi Emmy, glad you're reaching out! I saw, you already created your own journal. So I answered there!

DAY 34

Another positive day. Had a schedule for most activities today. Nothing stressful. Cleaning the apartment, running some errands, getting together with friends for different activities. Going to bed early again today, continuing reading my book. No urges for PMO. Low libido. But I'm fine with that at the moment - it's more liberating than frightening.

Looking forward to a great Sunday!
 

ddmmyyyy

Member
DAY 35 - DAY 36

Sunday was great as anticipated. Monday was quite ok to. Not super productive, but I'm fine with my output. A bit bored in the evening, thinking I should have arranged something with a friend to not spend the evening alone. But I'll have plenty of social activity in the evenings for the rest of the week.
After reaching a milestone with a project, I had some unexpected urges to just type in the address of my former favorite porn site. These seem to be the most dangerous moments for me - when I'm feeling good / successful  / strong / invincible but have nothing on my schedule. When I achieved something and feel like I deserve a treat. When I am feeling down or depressed, I have my guards up usually. Maybe I should think of a new treat I can grant to myself when I feel like I deserve a reward...
 

ddmmyyyy

Member
DAY 37 - DAY 38

All good. Not super energized these days but in a "normal" emotional and physical mood. Taking care of different personal matters, so I don't get much work done at the moment. But everything goes more or less like planned. Once I'm done with this stuff, I need to dive into work and make some more money.

Day by day approaching half time of the 90 day challenge!
 

ddmmyyyy

Member
DAY 39 - DAY 45

Wow, another week has passed by. Been out of town for a few days. Half of the week busy with organizational stuff, other half busy spending time with friends and some partying. Recovered pretty fast from my hangover (emotionally). Seems to be an improvement. On hangover days although, I still need to be especially alert.

Tired right now, but content and relaxed. Already made it half way to the 90 days mark. My general mood has improved a lot. Sure, I still have days when its really hard to get out of bed and be motivated and productive. But most of the time, I feel like I want to do something. Solve problems, do work, achieve things. That used to be very different in the past. I only got my ass up when time was running out already looking forward to being lazy and without tasks and challenges again.

Got a tight schedule for tomorrow. Let's see how much I can work off my list.
Good night and good luck!
 

ddmmyyyy

Member
Didn't check in for a couple of days again. I had a pretty bad week emotionally and I'm not sure about the reason. Lost a bit of focus on my reboot being sluggish with journal updates which led to being less conscious about potential triggers and risky behavior. I can't say if I got depressed because I indulged more in sexual fantasy again - what I tried to avoid completely before - or if it was the other way around. Anyways, I have to acknowledge I had a relapse today.
Doesn't feel good, but I'm not totally devastated as well, even though I hoped to go all the way without relapsing. It may be a setback, but I'm sure not all progress is lost. Made it to DAY 55 for the first time. That's some huge steps forward. Now I have to make sure I'm not gonna make more than this one step backward.

DAY 00

Feeling a bit like a zombie right now. But I got my ass up already starting with some things I procrastinated for about a week now.
 
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