The Journey to take back my life

Day 0

Today is once again day 0. Not day 1 on the journey without porn but day 0, because I just PMO 3 times in the last 3 hours, all while my wife lays asleep in bed, innocently  clueless that I have been PMO on and off for the past 2 years and 3 months. I have tried to stop but I can't stop. It's horrible.

I started watching porn 13 years ago (when I was 12) and have been recklessly addicted ever since. In year 8 of my my addiction when I met my wife, I was able to stop for 1 year and 9 months. However I fell back into it and have been using porn on and off ever since (every 6 weeks or so) and I always end up falling back into it even though I try not to. The longest I have went free of porn during this period is about 135 days. I truly want to stop but I cant. My wife and I have great sex and I  have no issues with erections. But I want to have an open and honest marriage with my wife who is so loving and amazing but I can't because of this secret porn addiction in my life. I desire to have a normal life in which I never think about or desire porn. I want to stop but have continued to fail miserably.

Im just at a loss and can't see how everything can go back to the time in which I was free from porn for that 1 year and 8 month time and I had an open and honest relationship with my wife who knew everything that had happened in "the past" and genuinely believed porn in my life was over. But sadly porn is back in my life with a vengeance and she has no idea. I just want to go back in time and I regret ever using porn.

I can't change what has happened but I still have hope in my heart for the future and that's why I'm here. I hope that tracking my journey without porn starting today will be a great tool to break this addiction and I would appreciate any emotional support or advice that you could share with me. I am desperate.

Hello there. Since your wife already knows about your past issues with P use, maybe you can share with her (or with someone who has your back) and get that person to be a accountability partner to you. There is an app (EverAccountable) I found the other day which sends internet use reports to the person you have chosen. It is free for the first 2 weeks. Hope this helps.

tell your wife. being open and honest about it helps.

Day 19 #2

I failed and PMO several times on day 35. I am back again, now on day 19. I feel like I'm going to fall again. I keep having fantasizing thoughts enter my mind. I'm so stressed I don't know how I can keep this battle up. Like I forget why I'm even holding out anymore from PMO. I've become such a mean angry and miserable person ever since I started PMO again back in 2/2016. I guess because a. I've reconditioned myself to want the stimulation of porn and denying it makes my body physically angry and b. I am living this lie everyday with my wife who has no idea about this addiction. I am hoping I guess that by abstaining I'll become and feel good again. Is that even true? I am failing to find the motivation to fight anymore or even the motivation to exist every day. I literally feel like garbage in my mind and heart all day every day. I don't know what to do. Can someone please remind me why I should not PMO, I honestly can't even see it right now.

In response to the comments below. I feel like if I tell my wife while I'm still struggling it will be terrible and possibly ruin our marriage whereas if I tell her in like 5 years that I've been clean for 5 years then it will be so much better. Does that make sense of seem right? And I have nobody close enough to trust to tell them about this and a big issue of mine is that I'm too proud to talk to anyone I know about this. Thank you so much for the advice any additional advice is much appreciated.

right thing would be to tell your wife even if it ruins your marriage because lying or withholding truth is even worse.

feels good to know im not alone feeling like camel's shit in the desert every day. shitty and lonely. i lose motivation too but i relapsed so many times and i know relapse feels worse in long term so thats the reason behind rebooting. maybe no motivation is withdrawal symptom.

Thanks Nikola, like in my heart I know it's the right thing to do but I don't know when to do it and I do question often whether I ever should. Your definitely not alone in feeling like trash everyday. and I think you make a great point that the lack of motivation may be a withdrawal symptom and that my body is just like going to a state of depression because it wants porn and is making me feel like the only way to not feel like crap is to watch more porn which is a lie. I need to be patient with the process.

Day 36 #2

I feel so screwed. it's 36 days today without PMO. But I feel so obsessed in my mind like I want to PMO so bad and it's getting in the way of every area of my life. I'm so addicted I feel screwed with this battled . I an absolute vegetable the only thing on my mind is my balls and how they feel every given moment. It's a horrible obsession and addiction. God help me

Day 36 #2 Update,

Today was a terrible day mentally and physically like insane withdrawal symptoms. But even though the day started this way, me and my wife ended up having the most amazing hot sex and I felt so much better after. On top of that I spent some time researching biblical ways on how to be more humble and less prideful since I have become an angry prideful and selfish person ever since going back to PMO. I came across this quote by CS Lewis which is that true humility is not thinking less of yourself but thinking about yourself less. Between the sex, and spending the rest of my day focusing on others instead of myself, everything really turned around and I felt so much better mentally and physically. I can see from today how keys to this battle for me are having more sex with my wife and being a humble person who is focused on others rather than on myself. Today was definitely a real breakthrough! Thank you Jesus! I've been longing and waiting for a moment/day like this! What a relief. I can be an incredibly inconsistent person though , so I hope this lasts.

Day 43 #2

This journey really sucks. Like its terrible. I am a vegetable because my physical body and part of my heart and mind want PMO but I do not give it. I deprive my body of it. I am realizing that a lot o my difficulty in this journey has to do with this: my mind and body's withdrawal and my hearts unwillingness to say I am 100% done with PMO for life, it's not an option  and goodbye! I want to be at a place where I truly have no desire for it. Truly I don't want to do it, but there is this part inside of me that does and I need that part of me to die. Right now every day feels like an eternity. I want it to be day 357 already. Two things that motivate me to press on are that relapsing sucks so so bad and I don't want to experience the horribleness of relapsing and that the further away I am from Day 0, the more detached I feel from PMO which makes me want to go back to it less. But I need to find a way to be more motivated, present and alive through this. Each day feels like such a drag and it feels like watching grass grow as all I want is for it to be day 100000 of something so far from 0. I need big numbers. I need to be far away from this. Today is Day 43 and it feels like Day 0 was yesterday. 43 days is not enough time elapsed.

Day 43 #2 continued

I automatically sexualize everyone and everything. Realizing/acknowledging that I do this and when I am doing this helps.

Realizing that when I am stressed my body wants PMO has led me to realize that in my personal stress/response pathway PMO is an automatic response/coping mechanism. Realizing this helps.

Being aware of these things as 'automatic' things I do has helped me to detach myself from these behaviors when I am doing them and ultimately resist PMO

Day 83 #2

I am still in this without having PMO for 83 days. This is good but not enough for me. I want to feel different but I dont. I feel like my mind is still garbage. Like every single woman on the planet I sexualize. Like I cannot look at a woman without thinking something sexual about her. Like it is so automatic and I wish I didn't do this. I feel like if my mind were changed things would be beter. I want to just be able to look at woman and not think sexually. I don't know how to not think like this and to just think normal. Does anyone have advice on this?

I feel myself gravitating towards PMO in my mind and I'm getting nervous. These subtle thoughts come into my mind and elicit a response in my body which I know is a bad sign. I need to hold on and I hope this will pass.

Jesus Screaming Rat-Balls Christ! 83 days?!
Thats nearly 90 days, the accepted standard amount of time for a full reboot. Mmmmmm, you say you sexualize every woman you see? Can you narrow this down to any specific times or circumstances? There may be something else triggering it...

Day 0 #3

I PMO twice tonight. I wish I knew what was wrong with me. Literally I have failed in this journey after such long streaks (87 days, 135 days, 653 days) which gives me no hope that ill come to a place in which I never PMO again . It's so depressing to mess up. I'm never gonna get this. I thought I was doing good then bam it's over. I was at a party today and someone looked real hot and it really triggered me I couldn't get her out of my head and couldn't stop sexualizing her. This led to other sexual thoughts and eventually I PMO at 2am. This sucks. I really love my wife. She is sleeping I feel bad. I regret messing up.

Relapses happen to the best of us. dont dwell too much on it, just accept it and take note of the trigger. youve had some very impressive streaks, can you remember how you made it that far in the past?
you relapsed, but dont think of it as a full reset, just a slip.
now, get back into it!

Day 3 Again

Thank you guys for the support it means a lot it?s really motivation when you know that there are people who respond and care. It makes me feel like I?m not talking to air and that there?s actually someone on the other side.

From Tuesday 2am - Wednesday 7pm I must have PMO 10 times. It?s gotten really bad again for me. And between Tuesday and my last post, I PMO on several days for multiple times on those days. As I said it has gotten really bad for me again. I?m on day 3 now and the past 3 days have been the absolute most depressing days of my life and I?m saying that very literally. I am so down over this. I?m down that I?m still losing this battle and I?m down that my wife has no idea about this and it?s hurting our relationship in a bad way. I know why but she doesn?t. I have lost all motivation and my life is a complete lie.

I had a great streak at one point of 1 year and 9 months. Here?s the story of how that streak happened: When i met my wife (then gf) I struggled against but continued to PMO during the beginning of our relationship. I eventually became convicted and felt that she knows nothing about this struggle and doesn?t know other things about my past before I met her. In waves, I began to open up to her to a point where she knew absolutely everything about me. From then on, I became so scared to even think a sexual thought because in our relationship where there was utmost transparency, if I did anything sexual such as PMO or even look at something sexual, I would have to tell my wife. This was also all linked to ED because I struggled with porn induced ED and developed a fear of ED even after it worked fine and basically I developed a new anxiety which was that if there was not transparency in our relationship then I would not be able to perform. That motivated me for 1 year and 9 months to be free from PMO and not even think one thought of PMO it was absolutely amazing. Then, one day we got into a fight, and the thought of PMO came and I did not fight. Instead, I PMO 5 times that night. I made the decision to not tell my wife and would tell her once ive been free for a long time. It has now been three years since I?ve been clean. I?m at a loss. I only want to tell her if I?ve been sober for a while, maybe a long time, otherwise she won?t want to be with me, a guy who PMO behind her back for 3 years who is still struggling with PMO. The silver lining in my eyes would be telling her that for 3 years this happened and I?m sorry but just know that I?ve been clean for 5 years and doing the right thing. Currently however I?m only on 3 days. So I don?t even know what to say or do anymore.

What has made

Day 10 again

10 days clean thank God! Very relieving to be free for 10 days. I notice that one motivation for myself to be free from PMO is when there are events in the future such as an upcoming vacation or in this case, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Unfortunately though I have been prone to fall a few days after such events pass. I guess because what I was looking forward to and what was motivating me is now past.

Anyways, the struggle at this moment hasn?t been bad. One bad thing was that on day 4, I had a bout of PIED with my wife and it caused tension.... I know it?s jusy because of the heavy case of PMO a few days before that but it still sucked... it didn?t really shake me though in terms of where I am headed in this battle. In the first 5-6 days without PMO I was definitely like in a calm in my body and my balls weren?t on my mind. Now though I find my sexual drive raging up a bit which I?m glad about because I want that to be used to result in sex with my wife but I need to keep it under wraps. I do have porn thoughts in my head that send sensations to my body/balls and those more times then not when not checked lead to a PMO. I have somewhat of a relationship with Jesus and God and I know a lot of it is motivated by my life being f?ed up by porn. But one thing I?m doing that?s been helping me a lot is that when a pornographic or not good sexual thought comes to mind, I say the words and in effect say to myself ?Get thee behind me Satan?. Jesus had said this to Peter after Peter said something to Jesus that reflected Peters own worldly desires as opposed to what Gods will was. I think similarly when our own desires and will gets in the way which for me can be in the form of PMO, telling myself get thee behind me Satan is proving to be a powerful and effective tool.

Day 24 Again

Day 24 still clean. I can?t believe I forgot to post last week. Weird? Anyways, I?m clean for 24 days now. I feel a lot more sharp and focused which is great! I?m not just letting my mind run away on me to whatever thought it wants to think. I quickly tell myself ?Get thee behind me Satan? and it is effective at making the thoughts stop.

I?m going through a real stressful situation right now but interestingly it?s not really increasing my desire to PMO. Strange because I realize 2 triggers are emotional stress (especially when I have an argument or something with my wife and I know she?s mad at me) and dreams that are sexual in some sort of way. 2 very big triggers. But thank God I?m holding up. I do want to be more than just surviving though. I feel like I am moving in that direction but I?m not fully there yet. I guess in time it will come. I also don?t want to be so driven by sex in my thinking and actions. Something I need to pray about.

Day 31 Again

Today is one month anniversary of PMO free.

It?s a good thing to be clean... but I am struggling. There is a desire within me to PMO. Everyday the desire is there. I?ve been able to withstand it and not succumb but it?s been more of a struggle. I?ve learned a lot of lessons from my experience with trying to overcome this animal such as what my triggers are and knowing that certain stressors that would cause me to fall are typically temporary and not worth the enormous setback that comes with PMO. Having a consistent workout regimen is also helping I think because I feel good about the progress and gains I?m making.

So I?m gonna continue to stay clean. I hope I can get through this to the point that I feel really free. I don?t right now feel free. Freedom for me is within my heart having no desire or care for PMO. I don?t want it to have any grip on me or my life in any way.

You're doing great, man! That's what I'm talking about! The urges is how the brain wants to trick you into giving up a life of well being for 10 seconds of "rush" and 2 minutes of somehow "relaxation" and hours of despair and depression caused by relapsing. Everyday we have to remind ourselves what is the reason why we want to stay away from PMO. All the energy that you don't waste anymore with PMO, use it to do something: Workout, play and instrument, study some subject, play some sport, play some chess or whatever. And when the urges kick in, stop for a minute, don't act on impulse. Stop and think.

Day 38 Again

Thanks so much for the encouragement you have no idea how much your words have encouraged me.

It?s been 38 days thank God still going on. I really have my ups downs highs and lows on this journey. 3 straight nights of either a wet dream or porn dream really throw me off. It makes my body feel like I actually did PMO when in reality I didn?t. Attractive women on TV also throw me off and onset desires to PMO. I know I have to not let what my body feels dictate how I act. I remember reading something that these types of dreams are a sign of recovery because your body is trying to give itself what it?s not getting.

I  feel my focus and sense of self have definitely come back. My body desires PMO but my heart less so. Will keep on keeping on.