Seeking Clarity

Brad1971

Member
I'm new to the topic of pornography addiction/compulsive masturbation and I'm frankly still a little overwhelmed. I am on day 5 of no P, M, or O and have been reading articles on RN and YBOP. I have been experiencing a growing list of sexual dysfunctions (which may or may not be porn/masturbation related, which I'll discuss below), and since I am a daily consumer of various types of pornographic content a reboot seemed like the best place to start on my path to clarity.

A bit about me: I am 48, soon to be 49, gay and in a monogamous (though sexless) marriage since 2006. I began using porn videos and magazines throughout my teens, 20s, and 30s. I didn't find high-speed streaming porn until my late thirties, and it wasn't until I got a smart phone in my mid-40s that things started to get out of hand because of the ability to access porn during any free moment of the day. I may be a bit unusual in that I don't always masturbate while I watch porn (although I will sometimes). I have used porn to keep myself in an unnatural state of continual arousal throughout the day and then use porn memory/fantasy when I am ready to masturbate before bed.

I came of age in the 80s when constant news reports about AIDS in the gay community created the equation in my mind that sex=death, so for me porn was a way to safely explore my sexuality - we were always told that porn and masturbation was a 100% healthy and safe option. Porn became my sexual liberation, and the thought of giving it up is causing a feeling of profound grief. I have been a "serial monogamist" throughout my adult life, and if I wasn't in a relationship I used porn as what I perceived to be a safe alternative to the more usual approach of gay men to seek out multiple anonymous partners.

My husband and I have not had sex for about 5 years. He has had some health issues that have affected his libido, but I think the issue is deeper than that. I suspect he may actually be asexual (which is another rabbit hole I have fallen into over the last few months), but is not ready to identify as such. Regardless, the mounting sexual frustration has driven me to more porn usage, and thoughts of pursuing sex outside the marriage (whether openly or secretly) have certainly been weighing on my mind. I mention this because I have no data to report on whether I can currently perform with a partner or not.

Over the last year I have also been dealing with a diagnosis of autoimmune disease. I have been working with a really good doctor who has helped me immensely, and I am noticing improvement with each passing month. However, this is a source of confusion since I am left wondering to what extent my autoimmunity is contributing to my sexual dysfunction. So, here are the list of symptoms I have:
1. Inconsistent erection (both in duration and firmness)
2. Occasional loss of erection just before orgasm (as soon as my heart rate increases)
3. Delayed ejaculation (this has been an issue as long as I have been sexually active)
4. Incomplete ejaculation (a feeling that my orgasm fizzles out before it has run its course)
5. Anorgasmia: this is the worst and most confusing one. I ejaculate, but with almost no pleasurable sensations of orgasm

The symptoms are intermittent, but have become more prevalent over the last 6 months or so. Since all of my symptoms from the autoimmune disease have been getting consistently better with treatment but my sexual symptoms have not, I am hopeful that this means they are the result of something else (i.e. porn) and may resolve with a reboot.

So my plan: begin the 90 day no PMO reboot. My partner and I are trying to rekindle a sexual relationship, so I will have sex if the opportunity arises, but otherwise I'll be avoiding porn and masturbation. I have the following positive behaviors in my life to focus on instead:
1. I'm starting a small business which I hope to launch in March
2. I'm starting an exercise program, which is new for me.
3. I'm learning German on Duolingo. Since I can access the program on my phone, it is a good alternative to turn to when I reach for my phone for porn
4. I am also refreshing my wardrobe and updating my personal style which has been a lot of fun
In addition to the other suggested approaches such as installing porn blockers, journaling, etc, I am hoping I am on the right path.

If you have read this far, thank you. I am open to talking to other men (gay or straight) so that we can support each other on the path to change.
 
Hello and welcome.  Great job on your 5 days clean,  I am also 5 days no PMO.  Let's keep it going and see what else our sexuality can be.

I told my best friend earlier this week that I wanted to quit P completely.  He reacted in a threatened and apprehensive manner, questioning my decision and even defending P as being a helpful tool in life.  That was the nail in the coffin.  I knew I had to quit.  Why would my best friend not immediately say, "Good for you!" ?  Why would he stick up for P like that?  It's because he has been abusing it for many years as well and he is also trapped by it.  He even suggested that I wouldn't be able to quit P.  :( Neither of us have had healthy sex in many years, if ever.  This is the same way many of my "drinking buddies" had reacted when I quit alcohol.  I realized it's virtually the same illness.  I'm tired of being tired.  I'm tired of suffering, sounds like you are too.

Thanks for your post!
 

joepanic

Respected Member
Hery Brad

    welcome to the party  I too have been addicted to porn(35 years)  and have been fighting seriously fighting it for 2 years now  I think with all ive learned I am finally winning.  The questions you have may ponly be answered with time.  The way I look at it is  do the reboot  and see if your  life improves  its 90 days  what do you have to lose .  Its most important though that your thoughts be on the reboot  just putting porn out of your life 1st  than worrying about everything else  Read all you can and educate yourself with the tools to be successfull

    Cheers

      Post often it helps me it helps you
 

Brad1971

Member
Thank you both for replying. It is good to know I'm not facing this alone.

@HopeReaper: I think your experience with your friend shows how profoundly regular porn use has been normalized in society, especially in the 21st century. It is hard for me to remember a time (before the last 6 days) where porn was not a part of my daily life. I read your journal entry and I am so sorry to hear that you are dealing with a physical illness at the same time that you started this journey. I hope you are feeling better soon! Also, my partner dealt with alcohol addiction and has been sober for over 10 years, and I know that he still has days where he struggles. It is inspiring to see someone overcome that, and I know you'll be able to draw on your experience to help you in your current struggle. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

@Joepanic: I am glad to hear that you are making progress on your journey as well. I know that this is going to be a challenging time, since overcoming a problem like this involves so much more than simple avoidance. It really is a process of self discovery and understanding what brings one to a point where they have come to rely so heavily on a crutch to get through the day. I have a lot of soul searching to do in the days ahead, and I'm a bit apprehensive about what is going to surface (although I have a pretty good idea about what is lurking in my subconscious).

Thank you both. Stay strong!
 

Brad1971

Member
Day 6! I have been having some physical symptoms that may be withdrawal? Not sure, but they include insomnia, headaches, anxiety, and some emotional outbursts over little things.

Anxiety has been a constant issue for me, and I am certain that my porn use and masturbation was a way to self medicate my anxiety. I think porn probably made my anxiety worse, though, by messing with my neurotransmitters, so I'm not sure what is ahead as I try too rebalance everything. I am sure it will get worse before it gets better and will probably be a non-linear process. Sigh.

 
Hey Brad, Let's go day 6!  The physical symptoms of PMO are real.  My primary physical symptoms have been:
- Insomnia (sleep has been really really difficult, when I wake up I feel like I have a hangover)
- Brain Fog (extremely hard to focus my attention on anything, been trying to just not do much)
- Muscle aches (basically aching all over for most of the day)
- Back pain (partially due to lack of sleep I imagine)
- Very little energy (I feel lethargic)
- Severe headaches (it hurts, and tylenol doesn't do much except upset my stomach)

Of course these are in addition to the mental symptoms:
- High anxiety level (elevated blood pressure)
- Despair and hopelessness
- Thoughts of self-hate, regret, sadness
- Depressed mood

That being said, I know that things will get better if I can give my brain time to heal.  I'd say the anxiety is a result of our bodies attempting to get back to our baseline.  My anxiety symptoms when I quit alcohol were very similar.  Let's stick with it... I know there's light on the other side.  I was reading a little about the benefits of semen retention today and I like what I read!  I suggest a search on the topic my friend.

I also was addicted to cigarettes for most of my life and I quit a few years ago.  When I quit, I was shocked at how much better I felt and how much the cigarettes were affecting my quality of life.  I also laugh at the thought of smoking a cigarette now, like it's the stupidest thing I'd ever want to do... zero desire for it.  I don't miss them at all.  I am thinking PMO is a similar beast... once it's gone we will likely be amazed what a grip it had on us.  Let's get to that point, let's stop this lie.

Hang in there, it's going to get better.
 

Brad1971

Member
It's day 7, and I think this has been the hardest day so far. I had a doctors appointment this morning and I tested positive for another set of autoantibodies. For those unfamiliar with autoimmunity, once the body starts producing antibodies against your own tissues, it is not uncommon to have more than one condition manifest over time. I suspected that I had Sjogren's syndrome as well and it was confirmed today. It wasn't a complete surprise, but the desire to reach for something that could distract me and provide some instant gratification (i.e. porn) was pretty strong. I resisted though, and I am happy for that. I am also having sexual dreams - sometimes I am watching porn and sometimes I am in a romantic situation with another person - and waking up with erections, which is drawing a lot of attention to the area I am trying to draw my focus away from. From what I have read, today was most likely the day when my testosterone spiked, so hopefully the next few days will be easier.

@HopeReaper: We are definitely kindred spirits my friend. I know very well the feelings of depression, despair, regret, etc etc. They have been constant companions for most of my adult life. I know that finally facing them head on is going to be a crucial part of this process. If I can find a way to get through this and love and forgive myself it will all be worth it. I have so much empathy and compassion when I read the stories from all the other men on here, but it is sometimes hard to give myself the same compassion. One day at a time. I am staying the course.
 

Brad1971

Member
Halfway through day 8 and this has been a tough one so far. My desire for P, M, and/or O is at the highest its been since I started the reboot last week.  I have a cautionary tale about what NOT to do when you find yourself in a similar situation.

I have a specific interest that I guess you could say rises to the level of a fetish, but it does not require nudity or overt sexual imagery (photos of fully clothed individuals can fulfill the interest as long as one very specific element is present). Anyway, I figured that looking at a few pictures on my favorite G-rated, absolutely porn-free Tumblr page would be a way to find some enjoyment without going off the deep end.

Within about one minute on the page,  I literally felt my thinking shift. It was like something turned off in my brain, and I went into seeking mode.  Because of the reading I have been doing on RN and YBOP i was able to step back and realize i was looking for a dopamine fix. It was a scary realization.  It was the first time I think I realized how automatic the search for sexual arousal had become,  and how quickly the brain could shift into an unhealthy behavior pattern. Anyway,  i quickly left the site.

Since then I have been crawling out of my skin... just that little peek at non-pornographic (but arousing to me) imagery and all i can focus on is how horny I am.  I'm breathing through it and doing everything I can to distract myself. I know il get through it,  but I a little peeved at myself because I needlessly made the afternoon more difficult for myself than it would have been otherwise.

Peeking at anything that could even remotely be sexually arousing is a bad idea early in a reboot (and maybe even later in a reboot,  although I can't speak to that yet).

Lesson learned and moving on. I hope everyone else is finding strength and continuing on the path to a better life.

 

BigMog

Active Member
Well done for stepping back from the edge Brad. That?s a good victory. Like you, I?ve found once I?ve got as far as just peeking at something mild it can  lead me down a very steep, slippery slope very quickly. If you can stay calm and keep yourself occupied for the next little while, the cravings should subside again.
Quietly cheering you on........
 
Brad I know where you're coming from...

Yesterday I was watching financial reports through a website and I felt a trigger while watching the presenter, the site has nothing to do with P and yet I immediately thought of P.  I turned it off, and stopped myself.  I felt better right away and the thoughts of P slowly dispersed.  It took about 5 minutes.  This is the type of vigilance I'm talking about.  Being mindful of triggers.  We can't control everything that we see but we CAN control if we allow ourselves to become focused on it.

Great job fighting off those urges my friend.  Keep walking the good path, I know our reward will be great. (already has been!)
 

Brad1971

Member
@BigMog and @HopeReaper, thank you both for the words of encouragement.  There are so many obstacles and pitfalls on the path,  and knowing that I'm not alone and can learn from others means so much to me.

Yesterday was an interesting mixed bag of emotions and experiences.  Things calmed down for me about an hour or so after my slip up.  I was able to focus on a work project,  and although I sometimes work alone,  my coworker was able to work alongside me yesterday and that helped distract me in a positive way.

Near the end of the work day I heard that my lease application for a small studio/office space was approved. Although I'll be keeping my 9 to 5 job I want to also start seeing private clients. This was really good news at the end of a rough day.  It will mean more stress,  but I'll also have a little extra money coming in (eventually). Also,  having more to do during the day could be a good thing.  Less free time to get into trouble lol.

Then last night at about 1:30 AM I had a nocturnal panic attack.  I get them every few months or so (it's one of the symptoms from my autoimmune conditions), so I knew what to do to bring myself down.  It was hard to get back to sleep though so I'm tired today and just taking things one step at a time. I have a dinner/movie night planned with my partner,  so that's something to look forward to.
 

Brad1971

Member
10 days porn free. It is amazing how one's perception of time can change under different circumstances.  90 days usually seems to pass by in the blink of an eye.  Now 90 days seems  like an endless expanse stretching out in front of me.

Slept better than usual but had a really hard time getting up... one of my "feels like I've been hit by a truck" mornings. Mentally though I am doing well.  I feel a bit clearer and a bit more able to organize my thoughts.  I have a lot to do still for my soon-to-be-opening business,  so this is good.

I have been having a fair amount of porn flashbacks,  as well as memories of some of my favorite internally- generated fantasies from the spank bank. There hasn't been much of a response from "downstairs" though,  which is fascinating.  I'm letting them pass by when they happen and not focusing on them.  All in all,  this continues to be an interesting learning process.
 
"10 days porn free. It is amazing how one's perception of time can change under different circumstances.  90 days usually seems to pass by in the blink of an eye.  Now 90 days seems  like an endless expanse stretching out in front of me. "

I can certainly relate to this... it's almost if time has slowed down in some way.  I experienced this each time I quit drinking as well... I felt like time was moving in slow motion for a few weeks after quitting and then eventually that feeling
faded.  It is an interesting parallel.

Adding more work sounds like a great idea.  I'm currently unemployed as I just finished a tech degree and looking for jobs gets so frustrating at times... all we hear about is record low unemployment but I wonder how the economic powers have
skewed that number into something that doesn't truly represent the amount of Americans without jobs... particularly older Americans who have simply given up on looking for work because of ever increasing age discrimination in the workplace? 
It makes my head spin.  Boredom is certainly something to be vigilant of so I think more work is the way to go for sure.

I had lots of "drinking" dreams when I quit drinking... some mornings even waking up in a panic that I had drank the night before and slowly realizing that it was in my head.  I haven't had much of that yet with P but I've read how many ppl go
through it so I will stay vigilant.  I remember how scary those dreams were, but also the feeling of relief in knowing that I didn't drink.

Downstairs has been very quiet here too with the exception of the morning.  I know it still works but I'm happy to not use it for awhile.  I've been talking to an ex of mine through text, mostly just friendly talk back and forth... I have thoughts of
hooking up with her but I'm afraid that would just be a P sub as we broke up for reasons that haven't changed.  I'll hopefully just keep it at texts... perhaps there's an order of monks in need of a new brother... I sort of feel like that would be a
good place for me... I don't feel like I am really in control of my sexuality... like the drink.  I feel that if I have a sexual encounter of any kind that I will be tossed back into the PMO trap... the same way I would be tossed into the alcohol hell again if I
was to take a drink.  It's frustrating... but this is better than what I had while I was using PMO, important to remember that for me.

Day 10 is pretty awesome.  If you asked me a month ago, "Do you think you could live without PMO?" my answer would have been, "Hell no."  BUT here I am.  Here WE are.  Let's keep it going and see how much better it can get.
 

Brad1971

Member
@HopeReaper: Good luck on your job search! The job market is a frustrating landscape after a certain age,  which is so ridiculous because the older we get the more we have to offer in terms of maturity,  knowledge, and experience. But employers love the younger candidates.  They are cheaper to hire and easier to take advantage of. I  think we are also in a time of underemployment.  Lots of people have jobs,  but they may only be part time,  or insufficient to truly sustain them.  It's a tumultuous time.

My partner is a recovering alcoholic and I know he is struggling lately.  He has some health issues,  I am dealing with my health issues, and his mom is having some issues as well (he is her primary caregiver). He has been sober over 10 years but has shared that lately the desire to drink has been coming up again.  I am helping him stay clean and trying to help him manage his stress as best I can.  But the possibility of slipping back into the addiction is always there.

I have been pondering porn addiction in relation to other substance abuse issues.  With substances,  often it is something external that has no biological necessity or benefit (drugs, alcohol,  cigarettes,  etc). But porn addiction involves sex,  which does have biological necessity - for some people - and definite physical, mental,  and emotional benefits. I agree that navigating how and when to reintroduce sex so that it doesn't cause a backslide to using porn is going to be a real challenge.  And the truth is we'll probably mess it up a few times. 

Now onto the day 11 update.  Today I am feeling a lot of shame and regret.  The feelings started last night and when I woke up I picked up right where I left off. Processing the emotions of the reboot is, in my mind, just as important as counting days and tracking penis changes,  so in the hopes that others can benefit from my process,  here comes the vulnerability.

I am feeling shame,  regret,  and depression that:
1. I never really came to terms with my identity as a gay man.  I have resisted and struggled against it my entire adult life. 
2. Because of cripplingly low self esteem,  I rejected the gay community before they could reject me. The irony is that the LGBTQ community tends to be very open and accepting,  so I have cut myself off from an important support  system.  I have never had long-term gay friends,  other than the man I happen to be dating at the time.
3. I am ashamed that I chose porn instead of a real life partner at so many critical times in my life.
4. I despair that now with my autoimmunity,  I may never have the chance to have a normal sexual response again.  The thought that "it's over for me" is unbearable to face.

Normally when feelings like this come up i push them back down... and i think we all know the most effective way to do that (porn does create that false sense of connection,  at least temporarily). Now I get to really feel them. I know that emotions are like storms, and the only past them is through them.

Good luck to all on the path.
 
I suggest that you ask your partner to strongly consider the reasons that he quit drinking 10 years ago.  It is so easy to forget the pain and suffering... filtering it out and romanticizing about drinking.  It's a trick and a trap.  Ask him to think hard about it.  That's what I do.  I remember being helpless and weak because of the alcohol.  That's usually enough to dissuade my thoughts of drinking again.

While it is true that in traditional substance abuse there is something external involved, but all the substance does is stimulate/depress particular neurotransmitter receptors in various ways.  When we use P we are doing the same thing except we are absorbing through our eyes.  The effect on the brain is very similar, according to many studies, and also in my own experience.  Similar to the gambling addict who doesn't put a substance in their body but still suffers as if they did.  Yes sex is natural, but P is not.  P is not something inherent to us, it is something manufactured and concentrated that we add to our bodies through our mind's eye, the retina.  P is also designed to addict us, the top players in the business know this well.  Like alcohol or other drugs, P is a dangerous product for many if not most people.

The shame game is a dangerous one to play.  Of course there is a space between genuine remorse and self-shame.  Find that space and start working towards being genuinely remorseful.  We should feel remorseful for our mistakes but unless we are CONTINUING to make them then we need to give ourselves a break.  I honestly didn't think that I could/would give up P, especially not now.  I am so grateful to see the light, grateful to see that life is just fine without PMO.  I am curious to see how much better I will feel down the road, I want to experience that. 

You're absolutely correct, feeling and dealing with emotions is a big part of why anyone becomes addicted to anything.  Emotions are 100% like a storm, and storms pass, and there's sunny days ahead.  Take it easy, you're doing something great for yourself and your loved ones.  You'll be stronger to face the challenges of life without the distraction of powerful P lurking in your thoughts.

I think we are on day 12 now?  Almost two weeks, awesome.  I told my best friend it's been nearly two weeks and he had nothing to say.  In his mind, I wouldn't be able to quit P.  F that, I learned why P is bad and now I'm living without it.  You are too.  *Golf Clap*


Take care and remain vigilant.
 
O

OwainOwen

Guest
Hey Brad and HopeReaper,

You're doing really well, congratulations on 11 days.

I'm a recovering alcoholic too and felt the need to jump in and send good wishes to your partner.

In fact, you're both doing great here. Thank you for sharing it.
 

Brad1971

Member
@HopeReaper and @OwainOwen: thank you both so much for your thoughtful comments.  It really does help to know you're not alone on the path. 

Yesterday was intense.  After my post I went on to have a tough day, probably the worst so far. I had a lot of anxiety and was on edge for almost the entire afternoon. Also super restless.  It was the first day I felt that I was having unmistakable withdrawal symptoms. That was pretty eye-opening to me. 

I'm making the decision to seek out some additional support for my process. I am making an appointment with a sexual health doctor to get a full evaluation of my sexual symptoms.  I am feeling more and more strongly that they are likely to be porn- related, but I want to rule out other causes as well.

I'm also looking for a therapist that can help me with some of the deeper issues coming up for me,  my partner,  and the issues in our marriage. I think it is good to process through these feelings because I know they fueled the porn usage. I was getting to the point where I was bored with porn but still couldn't pull myself away because it was how I was processing difficult emotions.  Even now, I feel the pull even though I know it is always the same types of situations and imagery over and over again.  Near the end I was watching compilation videos and realizing that after seeing 25-50 clips I might remember one or two guys or scenes.  The rest just became a blur.  Sad.

Relieved to almost be at the 2 week mark. I'll need to go back and watch the YBOP videos,  but I seem to remember two weeks being a milestone of some sort...is that when deltafosB levels start to decline? I'll go watch the video again.  Good to reinforce the information.

Stay strong, everyone,  and enjoy the rest of the weekend. 
 

Brad1971

Member
Day 13, porn free (13 is my favorite number). Just a short entry today.  Spent a lot of time with family today,  so plenty of pleasant diversions.  I haven't had any notable urges or cravings today. I've been really tired,  but nothing else really to report.

 

Brad1971

Member
I have a question for the community this morning.  One of the issues I'm working through is ejaculatory anhedonia (ejaculation without the sensation of orgasm). Dysfunctional dopamine signaling definitely seems to be a contributing factor to the condition,  but I was reading posts in a forum dedicated to the condition and many men there reported that they resolved it by releasing tight pelvic floor muscles.

I've read entries on RN, YBOP, and the NoFap Reddit and the issue of tight pelvic floor muscles comes up occasionally.  There seems to maybe be a link with PMO sometimes, especially tensing the pelvic floor muscles to force erection.

In addition to the ejaculatory anhedonia,  I have frequent and sudden urination,  anismus,  and pain in my hips,  sacroiliac joints,  and IT band which apparently can all be symptoms of a tight pelvic floor.

Has anyone explored exercises and therapies to release pelvic floor muscles,  and if so,  did you have positive outcomes? I ordered a device today that is used intrarectally to release hard to reach muscles.  It might not be everyone's cup of tea,  but im willing to try anything at this point.
 

Brad1971

Member
I've been taking a break from reading articles on the PA websites to dig a little deeper into pelvic floor dysfunction and I definitely feel that addressing pelvic floor dysfunction is going to help me with my sexual issues and may be a useful adjunct to the rebooting process.

From what I have read so far,  a lot of the behaviors that occur during standard PMO contribute to tight pelvic floor muscles as well as neuromuscular dysfunction in the pelvic floor. These behaviors include:
- masturbation in a seated or supine position with locked hips (normally the hips are rhythmically moved during sex)
- tensing the pelvic floor muscles to force or enhance erection
- tensing the pelvic floor muscles to delay ejaculation while edging
- forcing an orgasm without a complete erection
- disconnecting masturbation from physical sensation and relying on visual stimulation (draws attention away from tension and numbness in the early stage of pelvic floor dysfunction)

As I find useful information,  I'll post it here in case anyone else is curious about exploring this. I'll also keep a record of the changes I notice from doing the exercises and treatments.

Hope everyone is doing well as we head into the weekend.  I have been having some crazy porn dreams and flashbacks throughout the day,  but letting them just pass by. This is day 17 porn-free.
 
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