The summer of a dormouse

Moth-head

Member
Day 2:

I am 2 days in to my cold-turkey.

I have tried rebooting many times on my own, before I discovered this site (through Gary Wilson?s Your Brain on Porn, which I found to be a great resource). I am sure anyone reading this is familiar with the short paths to relapse: ?I have been so good for 2 weeks now, it won?t hurt to reward myself,? or, ?The wife/parents/roomate is out tonight, I can?t pass up a night alone,? and many more too numerous and pathetic to recount.

I have been a porn-addict since I was 12. It has filled my days and nights for most of my life now. It is terrifying to think, if someone from the outside was watching my life, what they would think of me. They would see all the things I think of as me, the things I do at my job, the time I spend with my family, but they would also see all the hours I spend on porn. If it were me looking down on another person like that I would judge them pretty harshly for not having the willpower to stop.

In my mind, however, that is a different person. I am a hard-working and productive member of society, he is the one who cannot resist the urge to fap as soon as he is left alone. I am a shy, polite person who respects women, he is the one who watches with pleasure as women get degraded for no logical reason. I have control over my life and my actions, he is the addict. I really don?t like him, and would happily get rid of him. But, sadly, he is me and I can only hope that I can find a way to quiet him such that the real me, or the me I aspire to be, is the dominant one in my life.

Where I stand at present:

I regard myself as pretty lucky, given what I have read about what others have suffered with Porn Addiction. I have a good job, a loving wife and kids. I am able to prioritise all of these things above porn, and have managed to keep my addiction a secret from everyone in my life for nearly 20 years. I suffer very limited ED, and only during times where I have completely over-indulged. I can usually avoid this by cutting back, which is usually possible. I have not binged in a very long time now, possibly 3 years or so.

DE is more of a concern for me, and it makes thing uncomfortable for my wife when it takes too long for me to climax. It is one of the things I would like to remedy by getting this particular gorilla off my back. I also want to see my wife?s beautiful face when I close my eyes during climax. Not some stranger who I would probably not respect in real life for choosing to work in the porn industry (Yes, I am aware of how deep my hypocrisy runs)

I have, through habit and necessity, managed to regulate my habit to a very regular hour to hour and a half session every night. It sounds pretty awful to put it like that, but I find it far more manageable than what it was 4 or 5 years ago, when sessions would last 3-4 hours and sometimes happen as many times per day.

Somehow, the routine, like an addict who can take a measured dose of their drug of choice comfortably for many years, is sadder. It is so much a part of my life I have it worked into my daily schedule. I also know that a backslide is possible, even likely, if my routine is altered, and I hate that it takes up so much of my time.

I have a number of projects that I would dearly love to finish. Ones I know I am capable of finishing, and which offer me opportunities to greatly improve my working life, but which I give up on when the inspiration runs dry and I have to do the really hard work. It is far easier to fap and enjoy the mindless passage of time that is like a sort of de-energising meditation.

While I feel, in my current state, I could potentially manage my life and Porn Addiction without too many problems (and I am well aware that those are probably the famous last words of every addict), I want to be done with porn now. I want the hours of my life I have spent hunched over in praise to the pixel gods back. It makes me furious to think the work I could have done, or the skills I could have learned in the countless hours I spent in self-pleasure. Hours which, even more regrettably, I have almost no memory of, or even any association of pleasure or enjoyment.

My hopes:

With the help of this journal my hope is to get clean of Porn Addiction. I am aware that I am addict, and have been aware for a long time. I want to spend my time on this Earth more productively, and leave behind something more of myself than a few soggy tissues at the bottom of a landfill somewhere.  Hope to be a better husband and lover to my wife, she certainly deserves that and more, and I hope that my children don?t have to find me one day, dead from a heart-attack or aneurysm, slumped over my PC, limp dick in hand and porn still playing on the screen. I want them to think better of me than that.

So this is the start of my new run at a clean lifestyle. I will try to post on here regularly. While I appreciate support, you do not need to feel the need to comment. This my way of screaming into the void, and, because I need two hands to type, at least one way of sitting in front of my PC without fapping.

Hopefully be back soon.
 

Moth-head

Member
Day 3

So far, so good, my resolve remains strong. I want to laugh at how much of a reflex this porn thing is in my life. As my wife was going to bed I immediately thought, ?Great, now I can check out my favourite porn sites and see what?s new.? I had to stop and remind myself that those day are done. I now have all this time that I can actually work on things that I want to work on. Obviously the danger is boredom, and the ease with which I can click over to some porn, but that is the fight we are all fighting.

Things I have noticed so far:

Porn is very much a part of my bedtime routine. Pretty much every night, before bed, I stay awake an hour or two after my wife goes to bed and look up some sites (She is into afternoon delight, so I know I very rarely have to perform after dark). I check out my favourites, looking to see if there are any new scenes from favourite porn stars, or any new starlets who catch my fancy. While I do this I edge, keeping myself stimulated as much as possible. Then I hit my favourite tube site and go through some vids that catch my fancy. Finally, when one has just the right finish (It has to be the right combo of attractive girl and large facial) I finish off as simultaneously as I can manage. This is the really hard part, because I can be quite picky, and often a porn session can spiral out of control if I can?t find just the right note to finish on. Anything less is a bitter disappointment. Then, after I finally reach my climax, I brush my teeth and go to bed.

My wife is always amazed by how I can just climb into bed and drop off to sleep. I have also trained myself to get by on very limited (5-6 hours) of unbroken sleep each night.

Since my reboot, however, sleep had been elusive. I have not had that blissful dive into the blackness of sleep I had when porn was acting like a kind of sleep trigger. I have been getting to bed earlier, now that I no longer have a reason to stay locked into my PC for hour after hour, but I have been far more restless in bed.

Previously, on the nights where I went to bed early with my wife, I would always solve this restlessness by getting up in the middle of the night and fapping to some porn. This usually worked like a charm. That option has to remain off the table though.

I am hoping this balances out as my reboot continues, at the moment that is my single biggest pressure point. It is pretty hard to lie there awake at night when I know sleep is just a few click and strokes away.

Wishing myself, and anyone that reads this, a peaceful night?s rest.
 

Moth-head

Member
Day 4

Still here and still porn free. That temptation is a mother-fucker. I am so adamant I am clean this time and yet I keep hearing this little voice telling me, ?Okay, you?re on your own now, its porn time.? It?s so entrenched my mind keeps reminding me like I have missed a major part of my daily routine, on a level with brushing my teeth or showering.

I am beginning to think that humans having their genitals within easy reaching distance is the best argument against intelligent design. Surely any deity that wanted productive creations would have planned better and put our fun bits somewhere we can?t get to them easily. In my wife?s purse, for example. It can?t be that bad, I already keep my balls there.

If things had gone differently millions of years ago and our ancestors were T-Rex?s I can?t help but feel like we would be a lot further ahead as a species. It would be a lot harder to get things done, but that would be more than compensated for by the incredible loss of man hours due to endless fapping.

Please excuse my rambling, I find the journal is really helping to keep my focus off porn at night, so I am writing really stupid stuff to keep me occupied.

Last night I slept a bit better, but I still feel more tired than usual. No other noticeable effects, but I have been on longer dry-spells, so that is no surprise.

Secretly wishing I had T-rex arms now? Goodnight.
 

Moth-head

Member
Day 5

The insomnia thing is killing me. Apparently I have wired my sleep patterns to fapping. I hope this fades soon, I am not a fan of lying awake in bed all night. That really gives the demons time to work on you.

Otherwise I would say, during this very brief spell so far, the outcomes have been positive. I feel like my moods have been better, despite my tiredness, and I have been making a more conscious effort to engage with people.

I have always regarded myself as pretty anti-social and happy to keep my own company. I was very lucky to meet my wife, she is pretty much the only long-term friendship I have ever maintained and I really struggle to engage with new people. But, in a small way, I made some strides to actually talk to people at work beyond just the daily pleasantries.

I don?t think porn was the sole reason behind my anti-social behaviour, but I am starting to think it really didn?t help. I know that when ever I got bored when I was out or felt self-conscious (which was often) I would retreat back to my fap lair, where I was safe and free from judgement. I have to admit, apart from my wife, I generally preferred the company of porn to real people.

I am going to try and introduce some small things into my daily routine: looking people in the eye and greeting them confidently. Using their names when I do this. Starting small conversations I would normally regard as pointless.
 

Moth-head

Member
Day 6

Today was a hard day. I got angry a lot. I don?t think this was anything to do with the no porn deal, it was just one of those days. I had a rough day at work, and to cap that off, I had to deal with a guy whose repairmen damaged car while they were supposed to be repairing it. We got into a big argument over the phone. There is no question that they damaged my car, but he was are trying to get out of paying for it on a technicality. I think I could handle someone trying to weasel out of their responsibility to save a few bucks, I can get that, but the sheer douchiness of the way he handled the situation and the outright lying made me madder than I have been in years. It?s times like these that porn would offer a nice out.

I know that tonight, when I climb into bed, I am probably going to waste hours lying awake thinking of all the things I should have said to the crooked asshole whose incompetent mechanics damaged my car. Whereas, porn would allow me to switch off my brain for a few hours and then, most likely, fall asleep pretty easily. It has always worked for me in the past.

The good news is I am not even considering it as an option. I am just annoyed that I have to have a restless night when sleep is already quite hard to come by.

I am doing this reboot in secret and alone. No one in my life knows about my porn fixation. I think most of them would be shocked and it would certainly do a lot of damage to my relationship with my wife. Still, it would be nice to tell people that I am in the middle of trying something that I have never been successful at and, despite how pathetic it might sound, it is a very hard thing to do.

The upside, I guess, is that I now have both the time and the bloody-mindedness that only someone in the early stages of a reboot has, to really go after that shitty repair shop.
 

Moth-head

Member
Day 7

A week in, that is a very satisfying milestone. Still a long way to go, but I am happy that I have been far more relaxed and felt less pressure from temptation that I have during previous periods of porn abstinence.

Boredom might be my biggest enemy. I hate being bored and, unfortunately, a lot of the goals I want achieve involve doing some form of drudge work first in order to achieve them. Whenever it seems insurmountable it is always easier to turn over to porn and switch off for a while, always with the promise that I will stop procrastinating as soon as I knock one out. Yeah, right.


Porn is like a sensory deprivation chamber. After I start I enter a sort of trance where I don?t really notice the passage of time. I can often go without eating, drinking or peeing for far longer than I would go otherwise, especially if I am edging.

It is probably the only activity I can do, unbroken and completely focused for hour upon hour without getting bored and needing a change. Worst of all, it is a complete time sink, those hours seemed to get pressed flat and I lose all perspective of the time that has passed. Too often I look at the time after a porn binge and see hours have passed and it is way later at night than I wanted to get to sleep.

I now fantasize about one day some magical being coming to me and offering me the chance to go back in time and get a do over on all those hours I spent watching porn. It would be incredible what I might have achieved or learned in that wasted time. Alas, all I can do now is hope I don?t repeat the same mistake.

I find I am looking forward to the end of each day now so that I can post about yet another small victory. It is really helping me to stay focused.
 

Moth-head

Member
Day 8

Still feeling good about this reboot, the temptation is there, but I am not feeling it to be overwhelming.

Things that have helped so far:

1. The book Your Brain on Porn by Gary Wilson (Introduced me to the idea of a reboot, this forum and really explained some things I did not know I needed to have explained to me)

2. Journalling. It is helping me to keep my mind on why I am doing this, and I have made it the first thing I do when I would normally start surfing porn. It reminds me what I am trying to achieve and keeps me occupied during the most dangerous times.

3. Reading journals. Seeing the similarities of what others have been going through makes me feel like less of a freak. It also helps to see that I have been lucky in a lot of areas and that I?m an idiot if I can?t shake this thing. There are people out there with a lot heavier shit going down in there life.

4. A full and busy life between my work and family. I know I have a lot to be thankful for and porn can only fuck that up. It is a great motivator to steer clear.

5. My desire to actually finish one of the thousand projects I have started and then put on the back burner. I just want to finish at least one so that I can say I tried. I can accept failure. Failure is an answer. It is the never knowing what might have been that will really weigh me down later on in life.

I hope anyone reading this finds their own motivation to keep going. This was always the area I struggled with most. I couldn?t see the point in quitting porn, despite the burden it put on me, it was too enjoyable. But I have plenty of reasons to quit now and a lot to gain by doing so.
 

Moth-head

Member
Day 9

I find the stacking up of days quite a strong motivator. I like the feeling of being on a streak and the longer it gets the  more I feel it would be tragic to break it. I feel like there should be a digital version of a AA sobriety chip to wear as a badge of honor. Maybe one for day 7, 30, 90 one year and then every year after that. I am proud of my effort so far, and I inspired by those who have gone even further down this path.

Although there has been plenty of shit to drag me down I have found myself generally to be in high spirits. I am smiling more and feel generally happier. This could be a result of the porn break, or it could just be from the fact that sometimes a change is as good as a holiday. I hope it continues, it is far easier to keep away from porn when I am feeling so positive about my progress.
 

Moth-head

Member
Day 12

I crossed over into double digits!

Truth be told, I felt little fan fair, I was away on a trip without any cell signal or Wifi. It was pretty easy to stay away from porn. A good recommendation there, If you are really struggling to get away from porn, get out into nature. It keeps you occupied and removes the temptation.

The challenge was being away from my wife, because being alone in bed can be a trigger for self-love, even when porn is not an option. But I stayed strong, and I am pleased that I did, it was pretty hard on the one rather sleepless night.

The wife had an operation recently and sex is not really an option just yet, so I am using this period for a complete reset. I want to see what sex is like after I have had a good long break from porn.

The good news is that there is no sign of the flatline, all seems to be going strong down below. From what I have read it doesn't affect everyone, so here?s hoping I continue to be in the lucky category.
 

Moth-head

Member
Day 13

Pushing through. I have to admit, the temptation  has been very strong today. One of the things I learned from reading about PA is that a big part of the temptation lies in the novelty. The idea that our primitive brains are constantly looking for novel partners to increase the spread of our DNA makes sense to me.

That certainly made even more sense in light of my experiences. I have found that ejactualtion is only a small part of my porn experience, I was mostly addicted to edging, with the climax just being a little bonus at the end. What really got my heart rate up was new girls and new scenes from my favourite porn stars. In short, I realise now that what I was really addicted to was novelty. Once I had watched a few scenes from a ponstar I quickly got bored and began looking for the next new thing.

The thrill of discovering a new porn star who ticks all my boxes in terms of beauty excited me like few things do. Equally, when a girl I really like was in a new scene or doing something different I would feel the same thrill.

Porn really got me into watching anal sex. The weird thing is I don?t really have a desire to try it in real life. I never have, and have never put pressure on a partner to try it. I have, in the past, found it impossible to climax when I know my partner is in physical pain. I know this from long love-making sessions where porn induced DE has reared its ugly head and my partner has eventually started to get friction burn. The more pain she felt the further my orgasm retreated.

So, it seems strange to me that something I know, despite the way porn portrays it, has to be uncomfortable. Also, considering what that orifice is designed for, I doubt it is as clean or as pleasant as it is portrayed.

I know all this, and yet I found it extremely arousing to watch. When a pornstarlet I had been tracking for a while announced a first anal scene I used to count down the hours to its release like a kid at Christmas.

I have been off the Porn for nearly 2 weeks now, and the urge to go back and look and see if anyone new and exciting has appeared or done a first anal scene is tugging at my mind. I will push through, but it is really fucking with my brain right now.

Curse you, porn.
 

Moth-head

Member
Day 15
I have discovered the ultimate cure for Porn Addiction. Have you laptop crash with all your important information on it at a time when you are working on a bunch of really important projects. The benefits are 2 fold. Firstly, no laptop means it is way harder to access porn sites (Porn on the phone was only ever for desperate times). Secondly, I am too busy trying to sort out the shit storm it has created in my life to have the time to get bored and start thinking about porn.


Halfway to my 30 day milestone now. Optimism still running high.
 

Moth-head

Member
Day 19

Finally back up and running on my new laptop. Going to try and keep this one porn free.

The good news is that the insomnia seems to have passed. It went a while ago, actually, and I hardly seemed to notice. Everything else seems to be good as well. No flat lining, and I think about porn a lot less. I do still think about it, and I am sorely tempted to check it out, just to see if I missed anything, but I have to keep reminding myself that is the very short and slippery slope before a big fall.

My biggest concern now relates to work. I am sort of an artist and one small, but regular, source of income is erotic art. I have a pretty loyal customer base, and it is really nice to have the extra cash (it paid for my new laptop, for one thing). I know I can easily make a bit of extra cash doing that sort of work, but it often requires that I use pictures of naked women as reference. It is a definite trigger because, when looking for ?reference? pics for a job I inevitably spend way longer than necessary doing it, and often end up finding my way onto the downward porn spiral.

I know I need to avoid this trigger, but it is hard to give it up. I actually really enjoy the work and it is great having the cash. I wish there was some way I could have both, or at least have the same kind online support I have for my nudes get transferred to more mainstream art.

That, more than anything else is tearing me up inside.
 

Moth-head

Member
Day 20

Gah! I really really want to check out some of my favorite porn sites. I have been doing so well on this reboot, but today it has begun to gnaw at me that I might be missing something amazing. Maybe there is some incredible new starlet who has just released her first scene. Maybe one of my all time favorite porn stars has just done something new and exciting.

Th porn devil on my shoulder is telling me just to have a little look. That can't hurt, right?

I need to stay strong thouh. I know, I KNOW that is always the first step down into a porn spiral.

I will post here again soon, but this probably the hardest time I have had on my reboot so far.

Wish me luck
 

Moth-head

Member
3 Weeks of no porn!

Hard to enjoy the achievement right now, I am sick as a dog and under a shitload of work pressure. I can hear the siren song of porn on loop in my brain. It would be so easy just to switch over to a porn site and shut my mind down for a while. It has been a shitty time to be off porn because I really wanted to see the impact it would have on my side project dreams if I took away the time I wasted on porn. My day job must have sensed this new gap in my schedule and immediately reacted to fill it up. I have to get through another week, with a major presentation on Friday to prepare for and then I can see what I an do without porn swallowing up so much of my free time.

That is my plan for now. Just get through this week.

I really thought the first couple of weeks would be the toughest, but the end of week 3 has been a bitch. I am guessing that porn binging is probably linked to stress in my brain, because the more stressed I get the more I want to look at porn. It makes sense, but it is really grating on me at the moment.

Hoping to stay strong.
 

mousemat1

Well-Known Member
Thanks for writing your journal Moth-head.

You're experiencing many of the same demons as me. Today is day 76 for me and things have started getting really difficult again. I cruised through a couple of weeks but now the porn worm is burrowing deep into my brain.

Three weeks is a real achievement. I'd love to tell you that it gets easier but from my experience there are good patches and bad patches. The good patches lull me into a false sense of achievement. I think I've finally broken porn's back, but then I wake up one morning and the temptation is back, burning away in my brain. Stay strong!

I rebooted a couple of years back before relapsing. I found I recovered from DE very well, too well in fact. Just remember to keep your hands off your penis and the sensitivity will come back. I thought I'd lost all sensitivity because of my age but after my first reboot I understood that just wasn't the case.

Your art related job is going to be a really difficult thing to juggle I think. Every time you are working on a piece of erotic are I suspect you are effectively firing up the porn pathways in your brain. Is there no way you can take a hiatus for 90 days? It's a bit like asking a former alcoholic to work in a bar. The smell and the environment will just trigger the same pathways. I'm sure you have the strength to resist but you could your reboot a little easier by taking away all temptation for a decent period of time. I suspect your DE is related to masturbation habits but the last thing you want is it to escalate and become PIED.

Good luck!
 

Moth-head

Member
Thanks for your response Mousemat1, and for your support. I appreciate the good understanding you have of my situation, it really helps me to stay strong knowing that you have already gone past this point.

Sadly, I think you are 100% right about the erotic art thing, and your analogy is spot on. I have made the decision to step away, even though I am about to take a holiday from my day job, and that is when I usually take on a lot of erotic art jobs. I am aware that is is a huge trigger, so I have to stay away from it. Probably forever, if I want this reboot to be permanent.

I am on day 22 now and have fought the temptation hard. I have gone from looking weeks ahead to my next milestone to just trying to get through one day at a time. I will have to redevelop a hobby or something because, for a very long time now, porn has been my hobby. When I worked from home it almost became my full time job.

I appreciate you taking the time to read my blog and offer support, it really helps keep me motivated.

Congrats on your 76 days that is a great achievement!
 

Moth-head

Member
Thanks Mousemat1, I certainly hope so.

Day 23.

The good news is I am super horny in a way I have not been (without porn to trigger me) since I was a teenager. I am having way more sexy dreams and sexual daytime fantasies. It is driving me a little crazy, and really ratcheting up my desire to look at porn. I like it, but I hope it subsides a little soon. It is killing me.

It may not be helping that I am listening to an audiobook with sexy parts to it. They are pretty tame (I used to listen to a lot of erotica, but have given that up), but stimulating all the same. I am enjoying the book though and do not want to stop, but it is making this pretty hard (Double meaning definitely intended). I am going to push through though. I am wresting the raging porn beast down almost constantly at the moment, but  I am determined to succeed.
 

JasonGuitar

Active Member
I'm only on day 11 or 12, but I hear you on the horny-ness. I am definitely noticing how much of this energy I was wasting before, and I am now able to use it to show my wife affection, even if non-sexual, in a much more genuine and heartfelt way.

I have had a few close to wet dreams, but I have woken up before climaxing and calmed myself down and went back to sleep.
 

Moth-head

Member
It's pretty crazy, JasonGuitar, I know. It is unnerving, but cool in some ways. It must be a bit like someone who quits smoking suddenly realizing all the tastes they were missing in food. I am starting to find all sorts of small things, that would not have even registered on the radar in porn times, a turn on. The only problem it is a bit of a sensory overload at the moment. My libido is way high and, in the past, I would always use porn to quiet it down so that I could get on with my life.

I am going to award myself 2 Attaboys today. The first is because I was left home alone with my new laptop and high speed internet connection for the first time in a long while (the wife and kids were out) and I resisted the urge to visit any porn sites. This is pretty big deal for me, not so long ago I would have had my pants around my ankles before my wife had started the car.

The second is for going into a separate room to do some work on my own, and actually doing the work! In the past I would have worked for about 5 minutes and then started surfing porn.

Small victories, but they are the best motivation I have to keep going right now.
 
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