My journal to freedom

Day 19
Thank you all for the positive comments and suggestions on keeping one running thread instead of posting new everyday. This will be the running thread in which I will do all my posting from now on.

Weird day today, started out well, but not long after lunch the irritability set in once again. When I caught my self getting stupid and over reacting to little things that I would normally not even acknowledge I made myself stop and put myself in time out.

I took several deep breathes, and thought to myself, you know why this is happening, it is part of the withdrawal process. Be grateful it is happening, at this point I consider everything that is out of the ordinary withdrawal symptom related. For me I find that dealing with it immediately helps me diffuse it quickly.

I am grateful for this site and all who make it the healing place it is.

We can do this!

Withdrawal is tough, but awareness is key, and it sounds like you've tuned in to being aware of how you feel and when you're triggered.  Keep finding your breath in those moments.  It gives your mind somewhere to focus and slows down the perpetual tug of withdrawal.  Keep coming back, and so glad you're here!

Thank you Dharmbum, I appreciate your words. Like I said earlier, I am treating any feelings out of the ordinary as withdrawal symptoms. One of my goals is to stay focused on the outcome and not dwell on the past that brought me here. My journey is in its infancy, the learning curve is high and I keep myself open to all the experiences of members who are will to share with the forum. I am grateful for this site and the members who make this a healing place.

We can do this!

Day 20
Today has been a mixed bag of anxiety  and irritability. As soon as I felt them I took a few minutes to acknowledge them, then found a place where I could sit and relax and be quiet for 15 minutes. I start by closing my eyes, taking 3 deep breaths, then beginning at my head, I work my way through my body in sections, relaxing groups of muscles. I start on the outside of my body and imagine a warm soothing light penetrating my skin, moving through the muscles and ending up in my bone marrow. I see this light moving through each cell in my body, giving them soothing warmth and peace. By the time I am at my toes, I sometimes have a tingling sensation and have a feeling of being weightless. Once here, I focus on my breathing to maintain this state. I stay here for about 10 minutes. When I am through, I find what ever was making me uncomfortable has subsided. this may not work for everyone, however, I use it to stop the chaotic babbling in my head. Tomorrow is day 21. The longest i have gone without PMO. I look forward to posting knowing that I will move on past this milestone with confidence and that each day beyond will be a new record in my battle for freedom.

We can do this! 

Day 21
I have officially reached my previous record of 21 days. I didn't even think of it today until I sat down to write this entry. Had I approached rebooting in the past the way I have now, it would be 396 days. I am grateful for the 21 today and know my life and brain will continue to heal with time. Today was withdrawal free, probably because I was busy all day installing a sprinkling system in our yard. I spent the entire day with my wife at our house. We have been separated for the last 6 weeks because of the lying and deceitfulness trying to hide my porn usage. It finally got to a point where she said enough. I don't blame her since I have caused her so much pain by my actions surrounding my addiction. I will conquer my addiction but will always live with the thoughts of how much I hurt her. I am grateful for this site and the member that make it a welcome healing place for all who seek refuge and recovery here.

We can do this!

Day 22
Officially have set a record for no PMO. Thanks to all the members who post here and have replied to some of my posts. I am grateful for you all and this site. Tonight would be a typical setup for me to reward myself with P. I have been doing a lot of manual labor the last 2 days installing a sprinkler system in my yard. Right now I am dead tired and hurting a little. Prime triggers to make it ok to do PMO. To tell the truth, I am just not interested. I am sure I am in flat line but who cares. It helps me to stay focused on my goal of no PMO and letting my brain rewire itself from years of addiction. I did have a scare last night. After I posted here, I went on facebook to see what was new. I was looking through the list of people you may know when I came across a woman who I did not recognize but was friends with a person I know in Arizona. I clicked on her name and went to her FB page. Big Mistake. Come to find out she is a model for an ad agency. She had many many different pics of herself posted. Many were of a sexual nature. I found myself clicking on them and getting aroused. I was just about to the point of giving in and going to a P site when I caught myself, logged off and went to bed. It was close but I did it.

We can do this!

Day 23

Yes I said day 23, for me that is like WooHoo! Into uncharted territory, building on my new record which will only grow from here. When I started this journey, I gave my wife this website and told her if she was willing she could follow my journey through my daily posts if she liked.  In the beginning she let me know how upset and unhappy she was that I had posted some things about my online addiction that she did not know about.  As time went on when we would talk nothing was mentioned about the content of my posts.  Tonight when we spoke, she brought up the FB scare I had posted about last night. I explained exactly what happened and how I felt about it. It was one of the most liberating talks I have ever had with her about my PMO addiction. I didn't feel like i had to cover anything up, make up some kind of lie about what happened. It was all in the open and we discussed it with out judgement.  This is a huge step for us, and I thank this site and the members for giving me the education and support needed to make this happen. I am grateful for this site and the members here who are dedicated and willing to make this the healing site it is.

We can do this!

Robert, awesome that you are having talks with your wife about this.  I came clean with my gf this weekend about my ED causes, and feels like a weight lifted, as I'm sure it has for you.  My heart goes out to you on your separation from her.  Just be open with her as you are doing.  Huge step, isn't it?  It will take healing and trust from her side over time, as I'm sure you know.  We have damaged ourselves, and our relationships.  Time does heal though! 

Keep up the posts!  BB

Hey Robert,

Congrats on breaking a new record everyday with your recovery!

Great to read about your imporvement with your wife. It's a huge step in the right direction.

Day 24

Newstartbb and Harry,
Thank you both for the encouraging words. I will conquer my dopamine addiction. I will learn how to forgive myself for the hurtful things I have done to bring pain to my myself and my wife. I will offer support when I can to members of this site. I will endure whatever withdrawal symptoms I may encounter while rebooting. I will be vigilante in my daily activities so as not to encourage triggers that may lead to relapse. Mostly, I will be grateful for this opportunity to regain control of my life and to re-establish a strong and loving relationship with my wife.

We can do this!

Day 25
Today was stressful. In the past, it would have lead to seeking escape in the form of porn online. It was always my go to stress relief. I work in the oil industry. As you all know the drop in oil prices have affected oil industry companies in the US very hard. It is great at the pump but the loss of oil related jobs is staggering. The company I work for is international. But even the largest companies are undergoing very large cost reduction measures to make it through these difficult times. In our shop alone in the last year we have loss half of our work force. yesterday it was announced  that a company wide salary reduction was going into effect next month to the total of 9.23 %. 5 years ago I was given the opportunity to start a new service within our service area which I eagerly took on. In that time I have worked hard to build a service that has an outstanding reputation. Today I was notified that due to cost savings they were giving up the lease on the building I work out and and will have to move into as of yet, undetermined space in another building. it is like the things I have worked so hard for these last years is being dismantled before my eyes. Stressful yes, but not enough for me to go running to escape of online porn. In the past I assure you that would not have been the case. I am grateful I still have a job and grateful for the help I have received from this site to not go running to PMO for relief. There are still hard times ahead as there will always be in life. However, turning to porn in search for relief is not an option. Good night brothers.

We can do this!

Day 26

Isn't it funny how quickly things can change. Yesterday I was stressed over having my work space downsized because of the economy. Today I was informed that the move to a much smaller shop will probably not happen after all. The stress of what I perceived to be a difficult situation was all for nothing. In the past I would have wanted to ease that stress with PMO. Had I fallen into that trap, today I would starting over at day one for nothing. We perceive our own reality, we can make it a disaster or we can make it a windfall. If we dwell on the negative of a situation, we will manifest the negative. By focusing on the positive, no matter how hard it may be to see positive, we can make our mind believe it. The subconscious mind does not know if we are telling it the truth or a lie. It takes what we present to it at face value and goes to work on making it happen for us. Our conscious mind is what always screws everything up. It rationalizes, judges, analyzes everything to death and most of the time gets things wrong. I read that we on average use less than 10% of our brains ability. What a waste of what little brain function we use to pollute it with porn chasing a dopamine high for nothing more that a few moments pleasure. Good night brothers.

We can do this!

Day 27

Today experiencing a bout of depression. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed at work. The man that was working with me for the last year and a half was laid off yesterday. That leaves just me to do the work for 3 companies, and service approximately 100 oil well power units. No problem. Just lower my head and charge into the Twilight Zone. I am in flatline, slightly depressed, feeling very alone and quite unhappy. Monday is my 30 day mark. I am looking forward to so I can start on my next 30 days. I am grateful for this site and all who make it a healing place. Good night brothers.

We can do this!

Hey Robert

Welcome to this list.  We're glad you're here.  Hope all is going well, buddy.

Gabriel

day 28

Thanks Gabriel1960, always nice to hear from you. I woke up at 5:30am today. Thought about trying to sleep in since its saturday but went ahead and got up anyway. Spent a little time looking at posts on here then logged on to a website where I am going through a refresher course on re certifying my private pilots certificate. I have not flown in 40 years and have decided to take it up again. Amazing what you can come up with when not wasting time watching PMO. Spent 2 hours there studying. Then went to the house and continued working the rest of the day installing a sprinkling system in the front yard. Good free exercise. Earlier this week I spent time online studying for the commercial driver license written exam. Yesterday afternoon I went to the DMV took the test, passed and now have my learner's permit. In 30 days I will schedule appointment for driving test. A CDL is not required for my job but it is a way to make myself my valuable and less likely to get laid off. Again another benefit to not wasting time looking at PMO. I am regaining lost confidence and self respect in the process.  I am grateful this site and the members who are willing to share their experiences and make this a healing place. Good night brothers

We can do this!

Day 29

Today was a healing day. One of the things my wife has said to me about my addiction is how emotionally void I had become before I started my reboot. Today, 29 into my reboot, I finally understood what she meant. I spent the day at the house working on the sprinkler system. She was home while I was there. We got along good despite being separated because of my addiction. It was a beautiful day, we even took a drive and chatted. Later that day we were watching a show on TV that was pretty emotional, several times through the program I found myself weeping. I thought she didn't notice because I was trying not to let her see. After the show she said to me, I see you are getting your emotions back. I looked at her and began to cry openly. She reached out to me put her arms around me and I hugged her and cried uncontrollably for several minutes. It may not sound like much but for me it was the most important thing in the world. Besides getting my life back from the grips of PMO and dopamine addiction, reconnecting with my wife is the most important thing I am looking to achieve from rebooting. Today, crying while my wife held me her arms was the greatest gift I could receive from rebooting. I am grateful for this site and the members that make it the healing place it is. Good night brothers.

We can do this!

Day 30

Chip, Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I realize that we are all here for different reasons. It is nice to know there are others with similar goals as mine. Thanks again for responding and my prayers are with you.

We can do this!

Hello Robert,

You write, "It may no sound like much but for me it was the most important thing in the world." On the contrary, I doubt anyone could read this and think it didn't sound like much. What you wrote and experienced was very moving for me.

Thank you for sharing it.

Day 31

Harry, thank you for your response. I debated on whether or not to share it. However, it has been the most significant and important thing that has happened to me since I started my reboot.  I just had to share it. I hope it may give hope to others who are on our journey.

Today I begin my second 30 day journey to Freedom. I am, once again working away from home for the next 4 days. Like I mentioned in an earlier post, in the past this has been a challenging time for me. Staying in a hotel alone can be an ultimate test. But really, I feel totally confident that I can make the right decision and not fall into my old habit. I have gained strength in the last 30 days and continue to learn and benefit from the stories and posts by other members. Journal writing has never been something I was willing to keep up. However, here I look forward to writing something everyday. It is my wish that the people who read my posts can benefit in some small way and see that there is light at the end of the tunnel and it is not always a train coming. I am grateful for this site and all the members who make it the healing place it is. Good night brothers.

We can do this!

Hey Robert,

I'm also really glad you shared that experience. I found it really touching and moving.

Wishing you well on your 4 days away. If you need a supportive distraction, try a cold shower - they're awesome!