Here goes everything...

Hi All,

First a bit of background... I am 51 years old and have been married to a wonderful woman for 30+ years.

Looking back I would have to say I have had some level of addiction to porn since I first laid eyes on a magazine at around 11 years of age.  Over the course of the last 40 years it has always been a part of my life to varying degrees.  As technology advanced, so did my addiction as it became easier and easier to feed.  The frequency of PMO increased most notably over the past 5 years to the point of either multiple sessions per day or an hour long session of edging daily for about the last year.  About 4 years ago I started to experience ED issues for the first time in my life.  I blamed it on high blood pressure or being overweight.  I talked to my doctor, tried Viagra, which basically did nothing but provide terrible side effects.  The ED progressively got worse and worse to the point where I was unable to maintain any level of erection during intercourse or to achieve O from intercourse over the past 6 months.

I started researching ED in earnest and came across the Reddit NoFap board and ultimately found YBOP and this forum as a result and I am so glad I did.  I started to read more and more information about the addiction and really began to understand what was actually happening to me.  I found over the past year that I required more extreme P to MO.  I started to question orientation as it had progressed to transsexual interest and beyond.  Until I started digging into the info on YBOP and this forum I did not realize how desensitized I had become.  I finally came to the realization that I had to push PMO out of my life or risk losing everything, my wife, my sanity, my life.

Anyway, I am super glad to have found all of this information and this forum.  I started my journey 11 days ago and in this short time have already begun to notice some positive changes.  At day 8 of no PMO I had sex with my wife and was able to O from VP alone for the first time in about six months!  I was able to maintain about 50% erection during as well.  Still a long way to go, but the new journey has begun and I can only look up from here.

I initially set my goal at no P or P sub and no MO for 30 days.  Once I have achieved this I will increase my goal going forward.  There is no place for P in my life!

again, doing the right thing. Glad you found your way here. You'll get a lot of answers to your questions on this forum.
It sure helped me a lot.
Wish you strength and courage.

Howdy buddy.

Good to have you here,  it's a struggle but the end is worth the journey.  Since  you are just starting it's a good idea start  debating deletion of what ever stash you might have around the old homestead, greatly reducing the chance of a relapse.  Don't give to much further thought to the odd stuff you watched which got you here, we all did it to some extent and in a few months you will forget. 

Look forward to reading and sharing this with you.

Welcome 64. Just a little tip, read other journals. It's surprising how similar everyone's stories are. Everyone's recovery process is a bit different but in general very similar. Learn from others what works what doesn't and what to expect in the long run. Being 11 days in is a significant accomplishment.  The first 2 weeks was really the toughest part for me. My cravings for p are gone and I'm not that far in front of you. Stay the course, journal your progress, and watch good things happen. Again...welcome. You are not alone.

Hello 64,
So glad you found this site: welcome!! Your story is almost the same as my husband's story. (and many others)
Just one question: does your wife know about your struggle? I know it's not easy to confess everything, but there's a big chance you won't have to fight this battle alone. Yes, there will be anger, shock, disappointment, etc, etc, but in the end it's worth it. No more secrets, as my husband said: a big weight was lifted off his shoulders. Maybe she already feels something's going on. When you're rebooting, you'll not always be the same man: angry, irritable, etc. All the withdrawal symptoms. When she doesn't know, she might think it's because of her.  We talk al lot and that helps us both during this process.
Hope to read about your progress; keep us posted....

Hey 64!

Welcome to the forum.

I definitely recommend telling your wife about your struggle, like hoopvol suggested. Every relationship has 'seasons', and summer is one of the 'seasons' we avoid in it, because we have to weed out things that are harming our relationships, while maintaining positive growth.

Telling your wife is a way to totally uproot and get rid of porn out of your life, for the very reasons hoopvol suggested.

Other than that, I recommend taking cold showers as part of replacement therapy. They release similar amounts of dopamine and endrophines, which your brain craves.

And taking time to meditate. I love getting on mine and my fiances balcony with my Bible, read it a little bit, and watching the clouds go by, contemplating what I just read - it is so relaxing, and that helps with hypofrontality.

@hopeful & @sodonewithit - Thank you for the words of encouragement!  I love the supportive nature of this forum.  Also, the stash is being deleted!

@L.T.D. - Thanks for the encouragement and tips.  I have read many of the journals here, including yours.  I love that you interject some levity in your journal.  All of the journals I have read thus far have been very encouraging and there is a lot of helpful information out here.

@hoopvol & @Kurall_Creator-  Thank you for the tips and encouragement as well.  My wife is aware of my past battles, but not the extent of my most recent descent.  She has experienced the net effect of it first hand.  That conversation is forthcoming very soon.  I know it will be very difficult, but I also know that it is absolutely necessary.  We are very open about everything else and I will be about this as well.

Thank you all so much for the support!!!

She doesn't need to know it all nor should it really be a topic but just that you know there is a issue, it's being delt with and you need her support.  No one wants to know what were looking at and most wouldn't understand the gradual nature of this. 

Exactly my thoughts, sodone.  She doesn't need the specific details and I know she will be supportive.  Deletion of the electronic stash is complete!

Still going strong and feeling more resolved each day!

You're right. I did see some of the stuff he used to watch and I wish
I hadn't. Very disturbing. And it's doesn't really matter. Easy to say now, but back then, I was devestated. Took me a long time to get it out of my head and that wasn't helping...
Being open and honest about your struggle is helpfull.
Keep it up, you're doing great!

PIED64,

as long as she understands that the addiction has nothing to do with her. When I was watching P, it didn't really matter hoe the "actors"
looked like on the screen. I was satisfied, when the actual "act", was shown. That , in retrospective, is ultimate sadness. It should have opened my eyes sooner, but my brian just didn't react. Only focussed on getting  the dopamine rush.
It makes me sad to see how so many men, and teenagers, sign up on this forum,every day, who have been lured into porn addiction.
It's global ,easy accessible , and a deathtrap. My heart breaks when I read stories from addicted kids at the age of 13 ! This taboo has to be broken, and politicians should fight against it the same way as some of them do against drugs or alcohol.
Had to get this off my chest.

Things are going well thus far, knock wood!  I wanted to take a moment to thank you all for the support thus far. 

2 weeks!  Before learning, researching and understanding this addiction better, I never would have imagined a time when I would not use P or P subs to MO for this length of time.  I know the road is long, but I believe for the first time in my life that I can actually do this, kick this addiction.  Gearing up for the talk with my wife this weekend and looking forward to it rather than dreading it.

Thanks again for all of the support!

Hi Pied64,

your wife probably will be shocked, angry, etc. Use this site to educate her.... watch the videos together, read all the info, read the posts by others. It really helps her to understand the nature of this addiction and most important: It's not her!!
Wish you all the strength you need! Keep us posted....

It was a horrible and wonderful weekend.  I had the difficult conversation with my wife about my failure and addiction.

We have had conversations in the past about my using porn and I always swore I would quit, but ultimately was not able to.  Over the course of time whenever she asked, I would deny, get defensive, all of the typical responses.  So I knew when I told her on Saturday, the pain and backlash would be horrible.  It was as bad or worse than I expected.  Saturday was a very tough day.  Lots of tears on both sides.  The reality of my betrayal of her trust and the pain I caused her once again was extremely difficult for both of us. 

Late Saturday night we both came to the conclusion that in spite of betrayal and hurt, we really did not want to separate and wanted to work on healing.  Sunday ended up being a very good day.  I was able to share more about the addiction itself and how it had affected me.  We were able to talk about the devastation she felt, the anger, betrayal, and started to discuss how we move forward from here.  I will be looking for a marital counselor that specializes in porn addiction, that we can both meet with to work through the recovery process.  I am so lucky to have this amazing woman in my life!

Things have continued to improve on the ED front.  Being able to engage and respond to/with my wife has been nothing short of amazing!  I still have a long way to go, but the improvement thus far is very encouraging.  Now with having my wife on my side in the battle, I know I can conquer this with her support.

The support of those on this site has proven to be very helpful.  Thanks again for your continued support!

Hello Pied64,

way to go!! Now you're a team.... Great job!!!
I know it must have been difficult, but you did it!!

I work in a very high stress industry and see a head doctor once a month to vent.  When I sheepishly brought this up he laughed when I mentioned that I felt like the only guy with this problem, goes to show.

Good thing to bring it up with your wife, it sucks but is the second best thing besides deciding to quit.  Rollercoasters will come from here in but stick to the end goal and the ride will be worth it.

Thanks hoop and sodone! Going strong with the best woman in the world by my side!

PMO is not an option!

Isn't the understanding of a good woman amazing! Sure makes the process smoother.

Hey they love us! Go figure.

Peace brother

Hey PIED64, glad you are doing well. I read you posts and it's great that you have support from your partner. I'm also encouraged that you have gotten some quality erection back so quickly. Perhaps your journey will not take quite as long. Stay strong and keep sharing!

@bob, it is amazing! @Phase2 Thank you, I will keep sharing!

21 days!  I have had ups and downs emotionally, but more ups than downs.  It does get easier with time to not think about P, the moments are fleeting at this point, I don't really dwell on it any more.  I am so glad for that.  The support of my wife has been a true blessing.  I still have a long way to go with the ED, but there is continued improvement there as well.  Still no MW, erectile quality is nowhere near 100%, but is improving.  I am in this for the long haul!

PMO is NOT an option!