Howdy, this is my first day journal report!
I started my reboot three days ago, and it's not my first attempt!
I already tried to reboot many times, even before knowing what a reboot is. I started this new reboot 'cause I want to get rid of PMO and bring health and joy to my life and to intimate life and moments with my g/f (even because I asked her to marry me, she accepted, and we're going on marriage probably about june of next year!).
PMO brought an earthquake in my psyche during the teenage and the following years, unfortunately it mixed with a big amount of hatred towards females and my mothers I have in me yet (in a small amount by now), for many unsolved problems. It has been like a TNT mixture bringing me to higher and higher level stimuli I needed to feel something. I started to watch very extrems P genres, and they went more and more extreme during time, until I found myself watching something I could call "necro-porn": the bottom of my personal pit....
With this kind of material I could see one of my greatest fantasy "realized": the total control over a fantasy dead woman and her naked body, entirely at my disposal, in order to avoid feeling my weakness in front of a real one. Fortunately I'm not a complete psycho : and I never ever tried to hurt a real woman 'cause I'm enough healthy to understand the difference between reality and fantasy!
I've been for a lot of time on the edge, with the doubt: I do it....I don't do it......I go all the way trought and realize my fantasy in the real world.....I don't do it......I was very afraid I could kill someone. Could you imagine such an infighting? It's been excruciating.
Many years ago, in a real dangerous moment for my life, I asked for help and I'm in analysis with a very good psychoterapist since about ten years, It's even his merit for me being alive now....his and mine. After years of hard work on myself I finally discovered that my hamlet doubts about committing homicide were only....a way to feel something and feel adrenaline rush.....because simple fantasies weren't enough at last!
In the deepest period I started to think at women like they were cattle, to kill and have sex with, meat pieces....a real hell to me.....
After many years efforts to find a solution and the peace inside of me, I totally transformed this bad situation, but PMO remained as a bad habit. Now it's like an empty, meaningless gesture, but I used to watch P many times in the last months, sometimes even the necro type...
What is bad is that my uncalibrated brain is still there, and I always need high level stimuli.
In the struggle to get totally rid of this crap, I decided to try another time, I want to live a happy life and feel the calm in me.
I started three days ago, but the first day I had a relapse, so it' like it's two days. I will do everything possible to clean me, I'm so tired....
I won't be satisfied until I won't be able to keep myself clean, at least for 365 days! But my goal is the cleaning for life!
Edit: I was about to forget it....I'm going to request my counter now!
I started my reboot three days ago, and it's not my first attempt!
I already tried to reboot many times, even before knowing what a reboot is. I started this new reboot 'cause I want to get rid of PMO and bring health and joy to my life and to intimate life and moments with my g/f (even because I asked her to marry me, she accepted, and we're going on marriage probably about june of next year!).
PMO brought an earthquake in my psyche during the teenage and the following years, unfortunately it mixed with a big amount of hatred towards females and my mothers I have in me yet (in a small amount by now), for many unsolved problems. It has been like a TNT mixture bringing me to higher and higher level stimuli I needed to feel something. I started to watch very extrems P genres, and they went more and more extreme during time, until I found myself watching something I could call "necro-porn": the bottom of my personal pit....
With this kind of material I could see one of my greatest fantasy "realized": the total control over a fantasy dead woman and her naked body, entirely at my disposal, in order to avoid feeling my weakness in front of a real one. Fortunately I'm not a complete psycho : and I never ever tried to hurt a real woman 'cause I'm enough healthy to understand the difference between reality and fantasy!
I've been for a lot of time on the edge, with the doubt: I do it....I don't do it......I go all the way trought and realize my fantasy in the real world.....I don't do it......I was very afraid I could kill someone. Could you imagine such an infighting? It's been excruciating.
Many years ago, in a real dangerous moment for my life, I asked for help and I'm in analysis with a very good psychoterapist since about ten years, It's even his merit for me being alive now....his and mine. After years of hard work on myself I finally discovered that my hamlet doubts about committing homicide were only....a way to feel something and feel adrenaline rush.....because simple fantasies weren't enough at last!
In the deepest period I started to think at women like they were cattle, to kill and have sex with, meat pieces....a real hell to me.....
After many years efforts to find a solution and the peace inside of me, I totally transformed this bad situation, but PMO remained as a bad habit. Now it's like an empty, meaningless gesture, but I used to watch P many times in the last months, sometimes even the necro type...
What is bad is that my uncalibrated brain is still there, and I always need high level stimuli.
In the struggle to get totally rid of this crap, I decided to try another time, I want to live a happy life and feel the calm in me.
I started three days ago, but the first day I had a relapse, so it' like it's two days. I will do everything possible to clean me, I'm so tired....
I won't be satisfied until I won't be able to keep myself clean, at least for 365 days! But my goal is the cleaning for life!
Edit: I was about to forget it....I'm going to request my counter now!