Fixing my life before I get married

Could write forever, but I'll try to keep it short. I'm 24 and have struggled with porn addiction since I was 12. Started with straight but by the time I was in HS I was heavy into shemales, some gay, and even kiddie(very ashamed) . Had chances to sleep with over a dozen girls in HS and college but ED always got the best of me. It was horrible being with girls I really liked but not being able to get it up for them. After it happened a few times, I realized I had a real problem on my hands. I was masturbating 2-4 times a day. I had to settle for HJs and BJs from girls, almost every single time having to use my imagination rather than enjoying whats right in front of me.

I went on a reboot for about 35 days about 4 years ago, lost my virginity to a girl on a beach trip, then started relapsing. I am currently engaged, have been with her for 2 and a half years now. In between that first reboot attempt and us starting to date, I was successful with sex a couple of times with 1 other girl, but also failed with 4 other girls. My fianc? was the first one I was able to have sex with without much ED(1 in maybe 7 times I won't be able to, or we will start and I'll lose it halfway through).

My fiance knows I used to have a porn addiction, we talked about it and I told her I was over it. We have sex anywhere from twice a day to twice a week, and I can tell that when i masturbate more often, I don't enjoy sex as much and its harder for me to keep it up.

Due current jobs, we have to live apart for a few months. Perfect time for a no PMO reboot(well mostly no O we will still have sex when we see each other, a few Os a month). She knows I'm going to stop masturbating, but not Bc I'm back into porn again. I can't tell her I'm back into this shit... I actually stopped for 2 weeks June while we were apart, made a huge difference, but as soon as we had sex again I started to relapse. I love this girl for much more than my ability to have sex with her, she means the world to me and I can't let this go on.

Anyways, after telling myself "this is the last time" 6 times this week, I finally put my foot (well, hand) down. Today is Day 1. First obstacle last night was seeing a favorite TV character(Haley from MF) in a sexual position. I resisted and will call that victory number 1.

Success so far. I did see my fianc? this weekend, we couldn't have sex bc she was on her period but she did give me head once. It was great, but I had to use my imagination a little to cum. Great waitress wearing short shorts at the restaurant, so I had some material. Just typing that in makes me want to relapse, but I'm going to stay strong and say no. I wasn't sure if I should start over but I'm going to let it slip just this time.

Anyways, I won't see her again for 3 or 4 weeks so it'd be awesome if I could make it to day 30, and give her all she can handle when I see her again.

I'm kinda worried about cheating on her, I love her to death but I feel like I missed out so much on life because of this issue. I've had multiple openings to hook up with others during the time we've been together, but I haven't so far. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me, I treated her wrong the first semester we met in college, was hooking up with her but started hooking up with other girls too. We weren't "dating" but I was still way out of line. I started seeing this other girl over Christmas break, but when (my fianc?) came back in January we mended things up and started dating officially, and I haven't looked back. I've lusted over girls and have been hit on  by some, but haven't actually pursued further action. I can't afford to cheat on her and lose her now. Then I started thinking and maybe all this lust is just bc I've been addicted to porn.. My girlfriend is very attractive, has a nice body, and I enjoy having sex with her, but porn still turns me on more ATM. After 30 days I'm going to be dying to get laid by her multiple times for the few days we are together.. Then start back up without O again until the next time(probably another 30 days or so).

Hopefully some of you guys are in a similar position but have been successful can help me out. I know I can do this, I've done it before, I just have to make sure I don't relapse after I have sex with my fianc?. I could just really use some encouragement.

Keep it up man!  I totally understand the struggle.  I was in an LDR for a year before I got dumped this June. The temptation to find solace in another person's company can be really appealing at times.  But if you love her, she's not worth losing that way.  Staying away from P sounds like it will have the added benefit of making you stronger in the face of temptation, as long as you find something healthy to replace it with.

I look forward to hearing more about your progress!

-Daedalus

welp, I binged yesterday and seriously contemplated not coming back to this site.. but I've got to face the music.

Starting back on Day ONE

I'm NOT going to relapse again

Stay strong man. It sucks to reset to Day One but make a strong resolve to make it to the finish line [how many ever days that may be] with this attempt. I find that staying busy, always having something to do, and being more social definitely help. Remove yourself from situations that lead you to PMO'ing. Take up new hobbies - I guess I'm just reciting tricks that everyone else uses to avoid relapsing.

Most importantly, don't let the lure of P get in the way of the joy and freedom that awaits when you finally overcome this addiction. Keep your eyes on the prize at the end of the finish line, keep reminding yourself every time you're tempted that every little win adds up to a life time of freedom from porn. Every successful attempt at avoiding P will bring you closer to freedom. Stay focussed on the big picture.

Hope you make it to your goal..

GooseTrader -> it's brilliant that you decided to clear the house before inviting someone to it.

I very much relate to your story - my girlfriend, then fiancee and now wife was and is a great motivating factor in fighting with PMO addiction and its facets.

Write a bit more about the history of your addiction, yourself, your fiancee - the more you share about yourself and your problems, the more understanding and support you will find.

I don't want to scare you, but PMO and sex addictions really are serious obstacles in married life. Constant novelty rush is nothing that you kind find when deciding to spend your life with another person.

So this is very serious. Fight, read YBOP, get to know all the stuff about PMO. You are not alone - pop by every time you feel like it! We need each others help.

Hey goosetrader,

I noticed you haven't been on in a few days, and the last time you were pretty upset with relapsing.  I hope you're doing okay, and still planning to stay on here. Keep us updated--the good, the bad, and the ugly. It's all worthwhile, and it will all help. Until then, best of luck!

-Daedalus