My Journal

miomio

Active Member
I have been around this forum since May 2014 and went through many rocky bits, but the significance of positive experiences have made me realize that reboot is the way to go.

Update 1:
Relapsed after 59 days.
Update 2:
No ED
Update 3:
First wet dream (ever)
Update 4:
Relapse after 74 days.
Update 5:
Going hard mode!
Update 6:
New thread.​

Looking back, there have been several issues that have made me relapse, but mainly a lack of goals. I am not rebooting to impress others, but to make a permanent change in my life. From now on I will try to observe my actions from a realistic point of view, no bullshit, no attention-seeking.

My sticking points:
a. Personal insecurities (the problem)
Namely,
- self-consciousness
--> how do I see myself and how do others see me?
- sexuality
--> at some point I decided to refrain from taking a realistic approach to sexuality and turn it into a taboo topic to avoid at all costs
- women
--> I grew up on very liberal terms, but always set up own barriers. I would reject girls approaching me, due to a lack of self-confidence and fearing conversation
--> I was always expected to just handle the situation with women, but I get anxious around them. Around my family and work it makes me uncomfortable to speak about women, even worse to look at them. But it's not a taboo, somehow I have created this barrier myself!
--> Every relapse was caused by the fact of me coming home alone, not having met a partner or feeling that I could not stand up to the expectations others have in me
- socializing
In rare cases I have felt that I could be myself. Often, I play(ed) roles to fit into situations. More importantly, I acted how I thought others expect me to be... life of the party, the fun guy, the story-teller, the drinker...
- alcohol
to be continued...

b. Alcohol (the tool)
So far, every relapse I went through was partially caused by alcohol. It is a powerful tool to get your mind of problems and relax for a short period of time, but it also destroys boundaries and only offers a quick, but damging fix. In combination with my reboot, I will refrain from alcohol.

I will use this journal to work on my sticking points. This Journals is intended to give me a better perspective on myself and help self-reflection.

Reboot Plan:
1. Go hard mode - No P, no M, no (intentional) O
If it get's serious with a girl, share my path and stay with it.
2. No drugs, absolutely no alcohol
3. Work out: Hiking, bicycle, maybe gym
!! Plan weekend trips to get my head clear
4. Eat healthy: No junk food
5. Sleep min. 8 hours per day, get up no later than 7
6. No TV series, only selected movies in cinema.
7. No lying, no showing off, no attention-seeking
 

miomio

Active Member
Self-consciousness

I have tried to look for a source of my self-consciousness and I feel that it is at least partially connected to the fact that I was always the tallest and oldest looking. In my opinion, my environment concluded that physical maturity must go hand in hand with emotional maturity.
However, this has never been the case.

I've never had a girlfriend, I'm an almost 27-year old virgin and I feel akward when it comes to social activities. I have been sick for the majority of my teenage years and perhaps this is the reason that I have a mixed up set of expectations and values every man my age should possess.

Now, back to the reboot:
I'm in Austria right now and have been skiing/hiking for approx. 8 hours today. Clearly working on your physical condition keeps your mind of pmo and helps to stay centered. I have totally underestimated this factor and will integrate it into my reboot.

 

miomio

Active Member
M and stress relief

I came upon some posts that dealt with stress relief. I remember exzessive stress leading to M. This ocurred when I was studying for exams.

I will try to find some short and long Term activities for stress relief.
 

miomio

Active Member
Hard Mode

I have come upon the problem of TV series before. Perhaps they are a small addiction or an outlet for non existent hobbies. But the real problem here, is the display of nudity.

It is insane how much sex and nudity is displayed in current TV series. I have come to the conclusion to cut this part too!
 

miomio

Active Member
Setting up and getting rid of barriers

Now, while being on vactaion, I can finally get my head clear. It is absurd ehat I have on my mind all day long and I see why I feel stressed out all the time. Clearly, I need more time outs:
- weekend trips
- outdoor activities
 

miomio

Active Member
Sexuality, the virgin issue and alcohol

Looking back on the time I was about to have sex, I was always drunk and witnessed ED. I suppose staying away from booze will just be part of the whole experiment.

Another thought came into my head. I'm curious how my years of abstinence from social life and teenage experiences, coupled with excessive pmo, have had an effect on my first sexual encounters. Perhaps it was already too late once I got sexually active, since my brain was wired on porn. This idea would put a totally new perspective on my struggles of being a virgin.

I think I may have become obsessed with the topic, because I felt that losing one's virginity is expected before 20 or so. I feel that lying about having had sex before was a step into the wrong direction and that this reboot will potentially make it possible for me to make amends with my virginity issue.
 

miomio

Active Member
Alcohol

In the past I used to binge drink a lot. At first because I didn't know any better, then to surpress my problems and finally, because I would lose my social anxiety.

Now back to reality: None of these aspects apply to me anymore! While I was planning on quitting alcohol until February, I am now contemplating becoming sober for good.

I must way however that I'm somewhat nervous about it. In my line of business alcohol and networking are very closely related. Ultimately, I will have to find natural days to go along with the crowd, without drinking.
 

Stiffy

Active Member
miomio said:
Alcohol

In the past I used to binge drink a lot. At first because I didn't know any better, then to surpress my problems and finally, because I would lose my social anxiety.

Now back to reality: None of these aspects apply to me anymore! While I was planning on quitting alcohol until February, I am now contemplating becoming sober for good.

I must way however that I'm somewhat nervous about it. In my line of business alcohol and networking are very closely related. Ultimately, I will have to find natural days to go along with the crowd, without drinking.

I've found that a lot of people actually gain a lot of respect for me being able to abstain. It is possible my friend!
 

miomio

Active Member
I do not doubt that it's possible, since I have been there before. However, I always had to put on some kind of mask to become the guy who can have fun without alcohol. We'll see how everything turns out, I'll keep this thread updated.
 

miomio

Active Member
Social Anxiety

I notice that I tend to be very hectic when first talking to people. It's not some hook to initiate conversation, but a result of missing rhythm. I will try to work in it and go more relaxed about meeting new people.

Also, I think this also applies well to the reboot. One we get weak and are about to relapse, it's the hectic respond to just do it and pmo. If one takes time to recapitulate, if it's really worth giving up weeks of struggle, the conclusion should be against die porn!
 

miomio

Active Member
Day 12

Everything has been going fine for the last two weeks. But tonight was the first time that I had cravings for porn, fantasies, images etc. Accompanied by some weird stomache ache and general restlessness, I'm not sure if I am just weak from the last days of excercise or if withdrawal is kicking in.
 

TP

Member
miomio said:
Alcohol

In the past I used to binge drink a lot. At first because I didn't know any better, then to surpress my problems and finally, because I would lose my social anxiety.

Now back to reality: None of these aspects apply to me anymore! While I was planning on quitting alcohol until February, I am now contemplating becoming sober for good.

I must way however that I'm somewhat nervous about it. In my line of business alcohol and networking are very closely related. Ultimately, I will have to find natural days to go along with the crowd, without drinking.


I am abstaining from alcohol as well. It is not easy because in professional environment it is considered to be very "unmanly" (If I am using a correct word) and my social status can be damaged among my colleges. Still it is worth it. I'd better change my work, when join the drinking team and break my principles.:)))
For me, abstaining from one thing helps to strengthen my will, that helps me fighting with the main addiction.

Thumbs and keep on going.
 

miomio

Active Member
Softcore to porn

Yesterday, another rebooter's journal reminded me of how everything started...

Before I got afflicted with porn, I would rush to the store, buy some magazine like fhm and get all obsessed over tits. The whole process would last anywhere between 0,5 and 3 hours. MagazineMO  :D

 

miomio

Active Member
Personal insecurities, self-consciousness

I have come across a facade of my life today that seems so dark that I was astonished because it does not fit my character at all.

Basically, I live a very minimalistic lifestyle at home. It is important to me that all my furniture is in perfect symmetry, there's nothing just laying around and everything has its place. Rather than buying decoration for my apartment, I tend to give items away. Somehow all this control over my environment creates order in my head. Thanks to another rebooters message today, I cam upon the reason for all this tidiness.

Yes, minimalism creates order in my head and I love how freely I can walk through my apartment, but the basis for all this is completely different. In my teens, I was sick for about nine years and suffered from something called SUNCT-syndrome (http://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/SUNCT-Syndrom). I would have these incredibly painful attacks in my facial area and told myself that at some point I will commit suicide. Life was just not liveable and as far as I recover, this disease appears to have one of the highest suicide rates, due to its intensity of pain and hopelessness to find proper therapy.

In any case. When I moved to my apartment, things got better physically, but every now and then, the pain would re-appear, even if only on a much smaller scale. At such moments I "realized" that I needed to plan ahead, find the perfect way to commit suicide and leave as little of work for my family behind as possible. So I started throwing out every thing that I didn't need in order to be able to move all my belongings in a matter of a few hours and get my life over with.

I realize that this is not really related to pmo, but I feel that all these things I realize somehow contribute to a bigger picture.
 

miomio

Active Member
I had a couple of drinks Friday and I have mixed feelings about it. It felt great to go drinking again, but in the end it wasn't very fulfilling. The next day I edged hard, but had myself under enough control not to go all the way!

I feel very self-centered when it comes to this reboot. However, alcohol is always luring around the corner.
 

miomio

Active Member
I see why my last reboot was destined to fail. Around three week I started loosening up my routines. M came into play again and finally made me go to mo.

Hard-mode is incredibly difficult, but with a daily routine and a lot on my mind, I feel confident to keep on going. 30 days without pmo is coming up and I am incredibly excited :D
 

TP

Member
For me, hard mode is the only true way as well. I've tried many times to stop watching P and keep on M, but it never worked. The only thing I am allowing for myself is sex with my wife without any fantasies. But I am trying to avoid even that.:)
I am not sure if it is true, but I have read, that at the beginning you should abstain from any intentional O for half an year.
 

Vargulf

Member
You seem well grounded on most of this miomio. We have some crazy similarities and I love your wording regarding the out of sync feeling in social situations which I have always over compensated with by being overly friendly and 'high wired'  but as a result makes me forget most of what people are talking about when we meet.

I have an eye disease which made my vision fluctuate to almost blindness and then back in my teens and made me housebound with very little confidence.  So maybe that isolation in the vital years of brain growth of our teens had some lasting negative effects..

Also like you I have put up ridiculous barriers about sex and have basically become a prude though no one I know is. I have been trying to tear those walls down during this reboot and it is liberating. But I still have a way to go. While trying to have sex with that girl for the first time I was amazed to notice that my legs and arms where trembling (I mean completely like if I was holding a soda I would spill it) so I too have built see up into this thing of perfection, this great act. Which definitely doesn't help in the moment. Changing my head is the issue I'm still facing now..  No easy task.

Btw I second no MO completely now. The hard reboot is the only way because I'm getting ltd results with my current reboot strategy.

GL.
 

miomio

Active Member
Lust came down on me and I m'ed some days ago. It wasn't a pressure or anxiety issue, I was just horny as hell and couldn't resist.

There goes hard-mode!

Edit: Fighting my second addicciton has become an issue. I have decided cutting down alcohol and making p(mo) my priority.

Edit 2: Reading all this, makes me upset. Okay, so here's the deal.
- Having booze on my mind and not trying to drink lasted approx. 18 days, but I was constantly thinking about it.
- Not thinking about booze with the eventuality of drinking one weekend - no problem. I have not been drinking for 1,5 weeks now and for that time it has not been on my mind.

Returning to M is not what I expected from my hard-mode. Still, it was great and I don't feel like I was beaten off the path. But man, I wish I could have resisted, I would love to know how it feels like to live on hard-mode for several months!
 

miomio

Active Member
Life goes on, even without hard-mode and M! I have set myself a limit for M once a week. Actually, I am surprised what an amazing effect it has on my personality. I feel that M before socializing is bringing me into a relaxed and communicative position that feels very natural to me!

Today is day 42 of my reboot. I have continually set my goals in a way that I calculate 14-day steps and at the moment I am here on a daily basis, just to check my progress! It feels great to see the days adding up to bigger and bigger numbers, but it's also kind of exhausting. In a way, it gives me a very realistic picture of where I am at the moment and makes me realize if I am still on track. However, it also reminds me that there is a long way to go and that I was similarly motivated the last reboot around.

For the last couple of weeks I have been feeling more centered. The reboot is always on my mind, but I often see myself drifting away to concentrate on the other parts of my life. I judge this to be a very positive thing, because I am able to stay on path, but take care of my personal and business life at the same time.

What has helped me a lot in the last 1,5 weeks was to take a minimalistic approach to my apartment. I know that many people love to have it cozy around their place, but a clean and very organized environment makes me calm. More so, I have reduced my furniture to a level that I actually use all of my rooms againg, instead of spending most of my free time in bed or at my desktop. It's strange, because we tend to save everything for another time "when we need it", but a huge portion of my life was just a bunch of trash waiting to be transported out of this place!! Furthermore, I am immensely happy that I have found this mentality on own and do not follow some trend or media phenomenon.

Next goal, 56 days!



 
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